Chapter 19 – Of trust and traumas

“Don't leave me too.” What is he thinking, talking about nothing but weird stuff? I was frozen with Hyungwon's head resting on my shoulder as he kept mumbling the same sentence against my neck. I thought we were done with that topic.

My eyes examined his hair, his nape and then his back before I glanced up for a second to see that nobody was paying attention to us. Jooheon would probably go nuts if he saw the 'intruder' this close to me, it wouldn't be the first time, but thankfully he was immersed in a conversation with Shownu. Don't leave me too. Hyungwon was most likely talking about those he had trusted before and who had left him. His crush, maybe? Or whatever that other person had been to him.

“You won't ever be okay if you don't face your problem”, I stated, suddenly feeling suffocated by him, but he just tightened his grasp on my shirt and stopped talking. My heart kept thumping and I carefully put a hand on his head, his hair and trying not to think too much of his current behavior. He was on drugs after all. He wasn't in control of his actions. I decided to think about the past week instead. How he had ignored me. How he had distanced himself from everybody and everything. “You're not”, I started carefully to grab his attention. “You're not mad at me or anything? I didn't do anything wrong?”

Hyungwon broke away with a pair of giant dark orbs staring at me and I tried to avert my eyes when suddenly his hands took my face and made me look at him. “How can you think that?”

I froze, still not able to react in a proper way. “I-I, well...You were- I mean, you didn't really talk to anybody until- Well, you know...” Stop stuttering. Breathe. In. Out. Okay. “I just can't understand why you would shut me out. If it's due to something from the past leave it there and face forward.”

He remained quiet and released my face to rearrange my fringe until he was satisfied before answering. His eyes were so dark, was that even normal? I just couldn't stop looking at him. “I don't know, it seemed to be the best solution. And sadly it's not my past yet.” He shrugged. “But I'm not ignoring you anymore so you can stop thinking about it. It was a mistake.” His eyes fell on the basin that stood somewhere to my left. He took it and had another sip, just a tiny one, before offering it to me. His third sip.“And this stuff makes all of my mistakes be forgotten. Have some.”

I watched in dismay and grabbed his wrist as firm as I could – I could encircle it with only two fingers – while my other hand took the bowl from him and placed it on the ground. Helping this shattered guy was more important than my own needs. I could still help him get off that hellish ride. Three swigs in one day were too much. “A person who never makes a mistake will never try anything new. You don't have to forget about your failures but accept them to be able to move on. Things happened in the past and other things will happen in the future, it's life.”

He pressed his lips together until they turned pale, taking a deep breath. “I want to go to bed.”

I swallowed. “Hyungwon, I'm just saying-”

“I said I'm going to bed, Lee.” He rose to his feet and went for the tent's entrance, but he staggered around for a while, struggling to find his balance. I looked at the others again and Wonho finally caught my gaze, raising his eyebrow with a silent demand. What are you waiting for?

I sighed. “Wait, I'll accompany you.” I stood up and grabbed Hyungwon by the elbow in order to support him. “Sleep well, everyone. Don't stay outside tonight, it's too cold.”

“I don't need your help, Lee.”

“You'll get it anyway, so I advise you to cooperate a little here”, I retorted, leading him through the dark garden and into our house without exchanging another word.

I let go of him once he had sat down on his bed, taking a step back and turning away. “If you don't need anything else, I'll go now.”

“No.”

I looked back at him with a frown, but his eyes were lowered to the ground. “What do you mean, no? You need something?”

“No, you won't go. You will stay, right?” How bipolar could this guy be? And what was with all this talk about staying and leaving?

I searched my brain for an answer that would help me calm him down. “Look, I promise Wonho won't come in, so you can just sleep and dream about something good that will-”

“But I don't want to dream, Lee.” His frustration was audible and he stared at me, reaching out with one hand. “Every time I dream I meet all these people I never wanted to see again. Maybe I'll forget about today's dream but it will still hurt just as much.”

“People?” I let him take my hand and pull me closer until he could grab a handful of my shirt like a frightened child. “Are those the people you are trying to forget about?” He gave me a barely notable nod and again I his head, threading my fingers through his hair. “What am I going to do about them? If you can't fight them, I can't either. And Delphinium won't help you forget them it seems.”

He forced me to sit down next to him and let go of me to curl up on his bed. “I just don't want to be their property anymore.” His comment caught me off-guard and I was too quick to voice my question.

“Whose property are you?” He flinched and his breath got stuck in his throat as if that very phrase made him remember certain things. He can't stand being talked to in commanding tone, at least that's when he snaps the easiest, Wonho's words echoed in my head. I tried again with a more demanding tone of voice, using his surname on purpose. “Chae, whose property are you?” His eyes turned hollow and glazed as he covered his head with his arms as if to protect himself. Bingo. He ran out of breath and swallowed, tightening the grip on his head; it was horrible to watch. “Chae Hyungwon, I command you to tell me whose-”

“Yours.” It was barely audible and yet deafening, making me stop in confusion.

Yours.

“Repeat that.” He didn't move and just stared at the wall as if in shock. I grew anxious. Was he manoeuvering himself into another panic attack? “Chae?”

“Get out!” His voice was unexpectedly loud and I took a step back out of reflex, my mouth twisting in helplessness when he growled at me from his bed. “I will get revenge for everything you did, just you wait, dirty bastard”, Hyungwon hissed before I managed to gather my courage, grabbed both of his wrists and forced him to look at me by rolling him onto his back. “Let go or I-”

“Get a hang of yourself! What are you saying? Who are you talking to? Chae, your body is here with me. Where is your ing mind!?” His eyes stayed hazy for a few more seconds and his muscles tensed as if to counterattack, but then his body relaxed a little and he just stared at me with big and surprised eyes, his voice merely a whisper accompanied by quiet whimpers.

“Lee?”

“Yeah that's me. Talk to me.”

“Th-they are waiting for me to go back. They are waiting.”

I didn't let go and kept glaring him down. Who were they? And why? “Is it the person that broke your heart?”

His teeth chattered and he vigorously shook his head. “He'd never wait for me.”

I took a deep breath, softening by the fright audible in his voice. So I had been right, he had been in love with some guy and had his heart broken. But if this wasn't about him, who was waiting for him? “Will you go back?”

“No! No, I'm done with the torture.” What torture?

“Good to hear that.” I had him stand up for a second to fold back the blanket. He had way too many things on his mind and it was killing him on the inside. He had to break out somehow, he wouldn't stay sane if he kept bottling things up. “Now I want you to sleep. Got that?” He desperately needed someone he could trust. Someone he could talk to. “Nothing will happen to you as long as you are here and I'm around, okay? Nobody, neither those waiting for you nor Wonho nor anyone else will even lay a finger on you if I'm not okay with that, so you can just go to sleep without any worries.” My voice was harsh and warm at the same time, like a scolding mother's, and he narrowed his eyes while taking a stuttering breath.

“W-what if I dream of them? Will you come and save me like yesterday?”, he asked.

I hesitated for a moment. Had I saved him from Wonho, was that what he thought? Like some kind of super hero? I smiled at him and saw a child. A child that didn't want to go down the corridor to its room because it was afraid of the darkness ahead. “Then it's just a dream.”

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