Chapter 65 - Good. We're good.

“Let me repeat this once more”, Hyungwon mumbled while pinching the bridge of his nose, pacing around the room. “You're telling me there were signs of a spy, so you had to go after that and your clues brought you to an underground carpark. You found a hideout and waited around for that guy to come home and that is why you had to break off all contact?” I nodded from my seat on the bed and he let out a sigh. “It could have been dangerous!”

“What was I supposed to do, it was an order and I can't go against that, can I?”, I justified myself with a slight pout, not letting his anger get to me. He wasn't angry at me but the fact that he had worried without a proper reason and I could see that so I just sat through it in resignation, trying not to freak out because of the damn kiss. “And in the end it was true, we found them. Well, after they put up quite some fight, it was two spies actually. Great, isn't it?”

Hyungwon stopped and dropped his hand to look at me with disbelief on his face. “Yes. Yes, that's great.” He sat down next to me on the bed and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, his anger subsiding slowly. “You're not hurt, right?” I shook my head. “Glad you're alright.”

There it was. That weird connotation to his voice that had me stop for a moment before I looked at him in uncertainty. “I told you not to say things you might regret later on.”

“I told you there's nothing to regret”, he whispered back when his eyes found mine again, their darkness causing me to press my lips together. “I had...had a lot of time to think about things. Felt stuff I didn't know I would allow myself to feel again.”

“You must be hurting from the memories I forced you to revive from time to time”, I uttered through slightly clenched teeth. I didn't know what he was thinking but him having to fend off nightmares every night was not exactly what I wanted for him. The imagination of that was already unbearable. I stood up and walked to the door. “I'm sorry for letting things get out of hand like this.”

I opened the door but before I could get out a slender hand pushed it shut again and I was spun around within the blink of an eye, back pressed against the wooden door while Hyungwon's face was right in front of mine. “That's not what I wanted to hear.”

I swallowed hard, trying to control my voice but how could I when his was this deep and dark? “There was something you wanted to hear?”, I whimpered and he closed his eyes, hand still resting against the door next to my head.

“What I'm trying to say is that I want to be close to you. Closer than...than you might...” His voice cracked. He grew anxious, his memories were suddenly kicking in and I knew he had reached that point of vulnerability he always tried to hide so bad. “Are you listening to what I'm saying?”, he asked with some sort of bitter undertone, “Do you actually hear it?”

“I-” No other words came out for a moment but then I regained my composure again and brought my hands up to push him away. “I can hear it but I don't know why you'd hurt yourself like that. Don't lie-”

“I'm not lying!”, he shouted, slamming his free hand against the wall to the other side of my head as well and I flinched in shock. “Don't keep blaming yourself for me drowning in my own mistakes. Don't do it...Just don't.” He chewed on his lower lip when he saw the confusion in my eyes and looked at my hands that were resting on his shoulders in a half-hearted attempt to push him away. “I would like it if you...if we- , I just can't- Come on, try to meet me halfway here. I'm not high, I know what I'm doing so saying things is thrice as hard, can't you just figure?”

He took a few steps back, avoiding all eye contact by turning towards the bed and desk on the opposite side of the room. I was left to stare at his slender and tensed-up back, his clenched fists, his lowered head. He looked annoyed but also somewhat devastated. Not in the way he'd usually look when breaking down, no, a more confident type of annoyed. It is hard to describe, was he...mad?

Can't you just figure? I had understood it from the moment he slammed the door shut again but my reaction was so slow, hell, I still didn't know how to deal with this. Was this really what he wanted? For himself? Could I step over the line I had drawn for myself? Would he be alright?

Seconds passed, seconds of silence and thoughts and unanswered questions. But I told you before, right? Questions don't always need to be answered, at least not directly. I reached out to him, fingers curling around the sides of his loose hoodie before I leaned my forehead against his neck, my nose slightly over his skin. It was a déjà vu, everything about my relationship with Hyungwon seemed to happen twice for some reason. This time, I was thrown back to when he had gone to the radio tower raid. “Is this what you mean?”

He was taking deep and controlled breaths, I didn't even have to look to know he had his eyes closed and I swallowed in nervousness, breathing in as well. If he pushed me away now I would forever miss that scent. If he pushed me away now I would have to give up, maybe leave. If he pushed me away now I was confusing him too much or maybe it was the absence of drugs messing with his mind. If he pushed me away now-

He grabbed my hands with his shaking ones, removing them from his hoodie and I thought that was it. Too much. Too close. Too-

“It is.”

He turned around, slowly but surely, and his eyes were focused on me in absolute concentration before he pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Exactly this.”

And for the first time I really, truly admitted to myself that it felt right. Not only good but the way it should be as well. I buried my face that was burning up in the crook of his neck and I could hear him take a sharp breath but his hold only tightened. Again, seconds passed during which I just savored the moment, absorbed every bit of it from Hyungwon's slender figure to his smell and the warmth of his neck and I don't know how long it really took until Hyungwon spoke up again. Seconds, minutes, I don't know.

But eventually, he let out a quiet sigh. “You're okay with this?”

“I should be the one asking you”, I replied with a whisper and pushed myself away a little to look at him. His eyes. There were little tears sparkling in them that had my stomach churn. “You're suffering again.”

“That's not it”, he said rubbing his sleeve across his eyes. “I just thought about many things at once. You know, letting you get this close, finally letting Yi-en go, maybe making Sangwon a bit happier. That kind of stuff. I just-” He trailed off and took another deep yet shaking breath that caused me to grab his hand and step closer again, face barely ten centimeters away from his when I managed to stop.

He looked at me, startled by the close proximity of my eyes staring back at his wide ones and again I took a moment to listen to his breathing before swallowing. “Can I kiss you?”

He stayed still for one more second. Two. Three. Six. Then he sighed. “What right do I have to say no?”

“Just a kiss”, I whispered as if to assure him I wouldn't do anything else, which was totally superfluous, and then, after a moment of consideration, I settled with a kiss on his cheek instead of his lips. I was afraid he wouldn't be ready for me doing any more and my choice proved to be the right one. His eyes closed and a relieved smile spread on his face. Finally I had gotten through to him.

I smiled as well and when I pulled away, we both looked at each other conveying so many things just through our eyes. “Hi”, I breathed and I could see him swallow as he tried to keep his composure. “I'm Lee Minhyuk.”

“Hey, Minhyuk. I'm...I'm Chae Hyungwon.”

“Chae Hyungwon the spy?”

He covered his mouth with one hand and shook his head, voice cracking slightly as tears started to fill his eyes again. “The resistance fighter.”

“Oh right, my mistake. Should have noticed from the start.” I squeezed his hand once more before letting go and burying mine in my pockets. “I like fighters more anyway.”

And then we kept standing there grinning at each other even though Hyungwon had tears streaming down his face.

________________

And again Minhyuk had changed everything. No matter what I thought would happen, he just threw it away and did everything his own way. But he would still be careful about how far he could go. What he could do without my consent. What would break me down. I couldn't thank him enough, it made the wish to hold on to him even stronger. I wouldn't let him go. I told myself that.

I was the first to turn away to get rid of the unnecessary tears I hadn't been able to stop but Minhyuk didn't say a word about them. They were tears of fear, of relief, of shock – everything at once. I had just done that! And Minhyuk had- he was- I mean, he seemed to understand!

For a moment it all seemed just the way I wanted it to be. No worries, no problems, no fear. Just the two of us.

After that outburst of emotions (and a couple hours of sleep) we went back to what we had been the day before, well, mostly. We would eat breakfast right next to each other and even though the other guys were sitting around the table, our fingers were intertwined underneath the tabletop, hidden fro