Chapter 63 – I can't be the only one

“Is he still not letting go?”, Kihyun asked with a slightly amused tone to his voice and I made a face at him just when the fingers tightened around my bare wrist yet again. Shownu was lying to my right, an interested glint to his eyes when I craned my head to look at him. A quiet groan had my gaze dart towards Hyungwon again in an instant though.

Yeah, so, about Hyungwon...

“I don't remember but has he always been this...clingy?”, our handicapped friend asked with a snort and I shrugged, as far as it was possible with Hyungwon's arm thrown over me in his sleep.

“Only when we slept tog- when I helped him with his nightmares.”

“I know exactly what you were going to say, are you blushing?”

“I know you know and that's why I stopped before I could say it out loud”, I snapped in repose, patting Hyungwon's hair with my free hand. It had only been twenty minutes since he had fallen asleep and I would do anything so that he didn't wake up in a drugged state as long as the others were around. I didn't want them to see his insecure and kind of cute side, it was the little secret we shared only between ourselves, the one thing that I thought made me special. You are special to him, the voice in my head said, just quietly but loud enough for me to smile at the taller male lying to my left and sleeping soundly.

I hadn't really noticed but the others had taken their doses on Tuesday, while I was out sulking over the fact that Hyungwon had been taken away from us. Everybody was perfectly fine, only Hyungwon had forgotten about his own dose, having to deal with heavy repercussions.

“Lee, I need to tell you something”, Hyungwon mumbled with his fingers never letting go of the fabric of my sweater; a grip made of iron. “You know I'm, like, super insecure and stuff?”

I glanced at Kihyun as he left the tent to give us some space to talk. (Of course he hadn't said it that way but the way he smirked at me made clear that he wasn't oblivious to the bright pink of my ears.) “I do. What about it?”

“Well”, he began and pulled me to the ground next to him, staring at me from eyes with dilated pupils, “you're the only one who knows it all. There's no one else who knows as much about me as you. Weird, isn't it? We've only known each other for, I don't know, four months? Five?”

The only one who knows it all. “That's...well, you can trust me and you finally know that now, don't you?”

“I trust you more than you might think”, he replied right away, his hand slipping from the fabric of my t-shirt to grab my hand. As always, I couldn't believe this was actually Chae Hyungwon. “It's scaring me. I'm afraid you'll leave and I'll have no trust left anymore.”

My expression softened as I squeezed his hand for a second. “Trust once and you'll learn to trust more and more. You've been so scared but you took the first step already. It will only get better now because I'm not going to leave.”

“Just promise me this one thing-”

“I promised you a lot of things already.”

“This one's super duper important though.” I had to chuckle for a moment before managing to get myself together and look at the dark-haired whose face was barely fifteen centimeters away from mine. His eyes were so dark, so mysterious and...troubled. “Don't forget me. Ever.”

“I-” The words got stuck in my throat upon hearing him sounding choked up and all. “Why would I forget you? I got away from the drugs. I'm fine, I won't forget a thing about you or anything ever again.”

“But will you really?”

“Hey, Kihyun said you were- oh.” Shownu stopped himself when he walked into the spacious tent, his usually blank expression turning into one of surprise. I shot him a short glance but concentrated on Hyungwon again a moment later.

“You're special, Hyungwon. No one's going to forget you. I could never. I swear.”

“You know everything.” He looked up at me with a vulnerability I had only seen about twice. His eyes would shake, teeth clenched and hands cold as he weighed his options until he simply huddled up against my chest. “You'd better keep that.”

“I know everything”, I mumbled so quietly only the tiniest whisper would reach Kihyun's ears and I didn't repeat myself when he asked what I had said anymore. It was my personal secret. I pretended to have fallen asleep before I could answer and soon enough I felt my eyelids grow heavy for real while staring at Hyungwon's head of hair below my chin. I know everything. He flinched in his sleep, his arm pulling me closer as if to hide himself from the world. I'd gladly offer myself as a hideout any time. If I know it all, how come I still can't tell you so many things?

I woke up just a few minutes before Hyungwon started moving, stretching his limbs and letting out tiny groans like a cat would after a long and deep sleep. I considered moving away from him to give him space but everything shut off when I saw his sleepy eyes blink up at me. I could wake up to this every day, I thought in surprise and confusion at the same time. I wanted this to be my reality so bad all of a sudden I had to resist the urge to hug him tightly and never let go.

I held back and waited, eyes on his while he stared back at me and he was...calm. At least for the moment. Not the usual panic in his eyes, just the same vulnerability as the night before. “Good morning”, he mumbled with a yawn crinkling his nose and almost making his eyes disappear.

“Good morning”, I whispered back with the hint of a smile, “Feeling better?”

His eyes fell on our linked hands, Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed. “Not sure. Probably.” His thumb started drawing little circles on the back of my hand and I watched as he stared at it in concentration as though it was the only thing that mattered at that moment. “Sorry for shutting off all of a sudden yesterday, I...The realization just kicked in and I couldn't- couldn't think of anything else.”

He sounded genuinely sorry and my smile widened. “It's alright, you were right, you needed that dose.”

“But you-” He looked up with his eyes shaking as though he was only realizing how close we were now. His hand started trembling and he shuffled away with something I would classify as an actual whimper. “Yeah, I'm...I'm good now.”

He rose to his feet before I could comment on anything and Shownu shoved me, half-asleep and voice just a groan. “Be quiet I'm trying to sleep here.”

“Sorry.” I met gazes with Hyungwon once more before he scratched the back of his neck and walked out 'to get some fresh air.' I let out a sigh before falling back onto my makeshift pillow consisting of my sweater and trying to sleep for a little longer. But of course I couldn't.

We were asked to leave about an hour later, everybody got up, took a brisk shower in the nearest public bath and assembled near the tent again where the soldier motioned us towards a bigger van. A van. I stopped in front of the vehicle, just like Shownu, Kihyun and Changkyun, to swallow and my lips in nervousness.

Hyungwon seemed to notice, elbowing Wonho and putting a hand on Changkyun's neck with a knowing look. “It's not that hard”, he assured and I jerked in surprise when his fingers curled around the fabric of my sweater I had pulled over my shirt again. I glanced up at him but his eyes were focused on Changkyun and Kihyun further to the right, his hand being the only thing indicating that he knew I was there.

“Come on in, we don't have all day”, Wonho chimed in, pushing Shownu forward as Jooheon extended his hand to help them into the van and we slowly started moving. Hyungwon patted Changkyun's neck again and pulled me into the car – still without looking at me.

Our ride was spent in tense silence, Hyungwon's fingers curled around the fabric covering my wrist as the others talked amongst themselves with hushed voices. The soldier aside there were two other people sitting in the vehicle with us but they fell asleep five minutes into the ride. Hyungwon's warmth radiating to my left was reassuring, his hand telling me we'd be fine without him having to tell me explicitly. We drove for about half an hour until we reached our goal already. So this was where the border lay at the moment.

We were instructed to go here and there, give our names, sign up for this and that special training in the afternoon and greet our new superiors. All I could do was follow Hyungwon's lead as to him this whole military reality was the most present. He'd tense up from time to time, his eyes would turn cold or his speech would get a weird note to it but I made myself believe that he relaxed a little when his gaze strayed towards me. He stood close rather often but wouldn't really talk to me or initiate any form of contact. It was always just him, his past and our eyes.

We were assigned to various types of training depending on which strengths we had shown the day before and I found out that the Americans had some sort of faith in my shooting skills – well, my hand to hand combat must have looked awful judging by the bruises decorating my upper body. So I spent the rest of the day shooting with Jooheon while the others received a briefing in attack and defense in combat at some other training hall of the same building.

I didn't have time to talk to Hyungwon. Didn't have time to look at him for much longer than a couple of seconds. Every time I tried to go and find him my instructor, one who could actually speak some sort of Korean, would give me a new task or a new target to shoot with growing precision. It was far from perfect but by the end of the day I could proudly say that my stance had gotten a lot more stable, Kihyun had seen it as well when passing by our room and complimented me for it. We had only stopped for about ten minutes in between to shove some food into our mouths and I was so glad to finally be released early in the evening.

It was all quite surreal. One day we were casually joking around, two days later we were training to become soldiers. What a life. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me things would end up like this.

Jooheon came to complain about his hurting fingers or something but I could only peek into every corridor hoping to catch a glimpse of the others. A familiar broad back had me smile and run up to the bright haired man, Jooheon and the pain in our fingers forgotten in an instant. “Wonho! Doing good?”

He turned with a warm smile while simultaneously massaging his shoulder with one hand. “It's hell but I think it's good for all of us. I threw Kihyun to the