Chapter 41 - Nobody

We walked in silence for a few minutes during which I could not suppress my delight. What more could I have wished for? In just two days my future prospects had made a U-turn and even though we were heading towards war, I felt good because we could finally do something. Change everything about how Korea was viewed. We would no longer be weaklings oppressed by China but rebels with a pride of their own. And maybe we could be free again. I never supported having dreams but suddenly everything seemed possible, at least for the moment.

But then, Minhyuk stopped in his tracks and when I turned to look at him my smile wavered.

“Are you happy now?”

Something was off about his tone of voice and I removed his hand from my arm. “It's all just the way I planned it to be. Why? You're still going to tell me how I shouldn't edge others on? Come on, you've seen them, I merely gave them a push and-”

“I-I didn't mean to think about it too much and that it would be okay but-”, he interrupted me with a groan, chewing on his bottom lip before walking into the light of a street lamp. He then held on to the cold lamp post as though he needed support. “There's that one thing I remember about my past. Something I don't talk about often, because...why should I?” I cocked my ears. Hadn't he said he didn't remember a thing?

“I really know nothing about my mother's whereabouts, that's no lie-” Because you forgot about that part. “-but my father left us when I was maybe fourteen years old. He left to fight back then, that's all I remember. It's...I don't know what happened but he certainly didn't come back or else I wouldn't be here, right?”

I nodded in understanding and he inhaled again. “I'm happy things worked out well for you, but after your speech down there everybody kept talking about causing havoc and rebelling. I feel like it's all going to repeat. I know it's not very optimistic but I can't stop thinking about it.” Minhyuk stared at me with pain sparking in his eyes and I felt goosebumps appear on my skin. “Everybody is going to fight and I'll be left behind when nobody comes back. I will be on my own again and I'm scared.”

“Scared”, I whispered when realization hit me. So that was it. That weird tone to his voice. The unease on his face. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being afraid of war. I should have paid attention to what he thought of my idea but that was exactly what I had been trained to be oblivious to before.

I was used to giving and receiving orders without questions, I couldn't change the fact that the military had made me lose my fear of death. It was the one thing I wasn't afraid of anymore. And now I was watching someone almost have a breakdown due to the mere idea of fighting, reminding me of the fact that I was nothing but a war machine.

Minhyuk grabbed my jacket with a bitter expression. “It's cowardly of me, right? Standing by and watching from the outside is easy, yes, but I don't want this war. I don't know about you but I don't want to see people die. Soonyoung, Taehyung, Minjae...I don't want any of them to risk their lives.”

“I didn't even think about it that way”, I muttered, trying to distract myself from how my heart clenched – at least I knew I still had one. “I-I didn't want this either but it's our only chance now. War doesn't mean fighting at the frontline only. It's gonna be okay, no matter the outcome.”

“Did you have to fight for real before? What makes you so sure of this?”

I detached his hands from my jacket again and walked on. “I always had to fight and I know simply because I have never been at the frontline myself. There's a difference to storming towards the enemy and waiting for the right moment. But even those who belonged to the first category always came back to me. Besides-” I buried my hands in my pockets with a shrug, pushing the old memories of Yi-en away as always. “I don't want to keep living like a slave. I'd take anything to make it stop.” Since I'm a slave even now.

I listened closely until I could make out slow and quiet steps behind me. He was following me like a frightened puppy, it reminded me of Sangwon and an idea came to my mind. The idea of someone who would confuse a drug dealer with his brother and sometimes his ex-boyfriend. Someone who could show sincere emotions from time to time. “You won't be left behind”, I assured firmly as I stopped to glance back at him and extended my hand. “Whatever we do we'll do it together anyway. You know Monsta X, they wouldn't leave you. If it's us we can make it.”

Wait, what? If it's us we can make it? Was I mad? How did I dare abandon my defenses? The answer: I don't know. All I wanted at that very moment was to help Minhyuk calm down. He was shook by the thought of fighting, getting hurt, dying. It was unsettling to watch.

Minhyuk stared at my extended hand with a frown for several seconds as though he didn't know what to do with it before taking a deep and rattling breath. What's on his mind, how can I- “Can I hug you?”

A sense of déjà vu washed over me hearing him ask this. I had declined the previous week, perplexed and confused because of how random his request had been. But now that things were getting seriously dangerous, now that I needed my allies to be calm and composed, now that he was obviously troubled, how could I have said no?

You simply say no, where's the problem? I wanted to say it at first, inhaling and slightly parting my lips but nothing came out, so I sighed and let him step closer to wrap his arms around my waist. His face was pressed against my shoulder and I stood frozen, not knowing how to react. The few warm and soft memories I still had came back, one after the other: Yi-en comforting me, twice. Little Sangwon and I on our sofa at home, watching a movie. Yi-en coming back after a long day of work. Sangwon clinging to me after our missions.

A heavy feeling reawoke in me and I put an arm around his shoulders without giving it a second thought, patting his snow-white hair with the other one. It would have been better for me to reject him – but I couldn't. For some reason, I just couldn't.

“No need to get this sentimental”, I only mumbled to myself.

________________

Yes, I was scared to death. Literally.

I had tried not to let it get to me when Hyungwon started on the topic, pushed it to the very back of my mind to discuss it 'later' – whenever that would have been if things had gone my way. Watching my father leave one morning was one of the few memories I had kept from my teenage years. I didn't know about his looks, his name, nothing – but I knew that he had left to fight.

Then at Seventeen's place things got impossible to ignore. Everybody approved of Hyungwon's opinion, underlined by Namjoon's short speech that had seemingly come out of nowhere. It was inevitable and I knew it: We were going to war soon and it didn't matter if we had America's support like Hyungwon had said or not. The Clan would take a step it would regret soon, I was sure of it.

I couldn't bear hearing them go on and on about it, so I asked Hyungwon if we could leave, but I kept thinking about it on our way home, couldn't get my mind off it until it just broke out of me. I knew he had been oblivious to my uncertainty, had only seen his plan work out with glee for once and I hated myself for being anxious about the one thing that seemed to cheer him up.

But for some reason Hyungwon had mercy on me. I was clinging to him, his unfamiliar yet homely scent surrounding me. I felt myself calm down with every breath I took but felt even worse for him at the same time. I felt bad for how uncertain I had become just because of a damn memory because that was all it was: a memory.

Hyungwon cleared his throat, his chest vibrating when his soft voice reached my ears. “Nothing has happened to us yet, okay? Cheer up.”

Why did he even allow this much physical contact? I pushed myself away from him with a bad conscience. Me being weak for once caused us to switch roles all of a sudden. My father leaving was long in the past and I wished I wouldn't care half as much. I remembered why forgetting things could be a blessing. At the same time, Hyungwon seemed to be worried about me. Or he just wanted me to stop whining because I was getting on his nerves, who knew?

Hyungwon's fingers brushed my arm and I buried my hands in my pockets, wondering of what use that weirdly soft moment was. It didn't help me with sorting out what we were. Didn't help me much with understanding him. I had hugged Hyungwon, he had tried to comfort me and for some reason we were both okay with that. Would you believe that? Don't worry, me neither.

I kept thinking of it as my imagination playing tricks on me. I was most likely hallucinating because Hyungwon had started warming up to me for the past weeks. I had probably just stood there staring into the void, it couldn't have been real. So I spent the rest of our walk in silence, kicking pebbles down the street every now and then.

Hyungwon seemed to be lost in his own thoughts as well, his eyes emotionless and distant as neither of us knowing what more to say. I couldn't tell whether he was annoyed or concerned and kept over-thinking every bit from our interaction. No need to get this sentimental, he had said, at least I had understood it that way. Yes, he's most definitely annoyed, I concluded, curling my hands into fists. The more this thought established itself in my mind the darker my mood got.

What was worse was that once we got home Hyungwon didn't show any intention of telling the others about what he knew. I told myself he had a reason to do so, that he didn't want them to know just yet, but why would he tell me then? And why would he scatter anger amongst the gangs with such confidence?

Shownu and Wonho remained gone of course and I was beginning to worry about our leader not eating enough while the latter deserved a beating for staying away again