You might want to prepare yourselves. I promised some of you I'd warn them. This is your warning. Came faster than you expected, right? (don't worry, nothing M rated here)

Chapter 59 – Wrongs, Wishes and Chocolate

Delphinium. Delphinium as far as the eye could see. I was standing in the middle of a blue and violet field and let my fingers graze the tiny flower buds with a sigh. There had been hypnotizing dreams like that before but now the little things suddenly didn't faze me anymore. I could admire all of their beauty from their colors to the fine hair-like structures on the stems without wanting to dig my teeth into the petals like an animal. I felt free and inhaled the bittersweet scent when a gust of wind came and blew all the flowers away, leaving me behind on dark and cold ground.

A weird sadness filled my heart and I buried my hands in my pockets. A building erupted from the ground, a really tall one, and I watched it grow taller and taller until I couldn't make out the top anymore. It gave me goosebumps, fists clenching in my pockets to suppress the fear that made them tremble.

“You have forgotten about me”, a female voice spoke when suddenly I was on the rooftop, a familiar scene repeating itself. I turned towards the edge with wide eyes to find my mother and all of Monsta X standing opposite of me.

“No. I remembered”, I whispered through clattering teeth and my eyes wandered over to Hyungwon who was standing right beside her with a soft smile. “I got stronger. I did it for you, mom, I wanted to make you proud and-”

“I don't care whom you did this for. You didn't care whom I did everything for either, did you? You pushed me away. You didn't want me in your head anymore.” She followed my line of sight and grabbed Hyungwon by the collar while my other friends dissolved into black smoke. “So he is the one at fault? How about we send him flying and see how you react this time?”

My heart skipped a beat and I stepped closer. “You wouldn't do that.”

“Oh, should you be so sure about that?” She hauled him over the edge and I started running again. Started screaming again. Started tearing up again. But this time it wasn't for my mother. I shoved the woman aside and jumped without thinking twice.

“Fool”, I could hear her say just before I took off. We're up high, I reminded myself, maybe I'll be unconscious by the time we hit the ground anyway.

“Hyungwon!”, I screamed and he reached out for my hand with his slender fingers. I held onto them, pulled him closer while we were falling with wind tearing at our clothes and hair. I buried myself in his chest. “I didn't want this to happen, look, I never lost my trust in you”, I whispered as he tickled the back of my head with his fingertips. It felt so good it sent shivers down my spine. “I was just a little mad, okay? I'm sorry, yeah? And now you're in this mess and-”

“It's alright. It was inevitable anyway. Some just die sooner than others.”

The environment was unbelievably loud and yet I could hear Hyungwon loud and clear. “But the world has so much more to offer for you. How about America? You wanted to go to America, didn't you? Or...or...” His eyes were closed when I blinked at him through the strong wind and a smile was on his face. I knew this was a dream. There was no other way. But it felt too real to let it pass without trying to hold on. “Let's get out of here.”

“I would but my time has come. Yours hasn't.”

“What-” Before I could ask any further we were supposed to hit the ground but I felt five pairs of arms wrap around me, catch me, keep me alive. Hyungwon's arms on the other hand let go of me and it was as though he fell right through the ground into a never ending darkness. As though he had never existed. “No”, I whispered, scrambling to get out of the arms holding me back. I knelt down and stared at the darkness below with tears forming yet again. “No, please stay-”

I ripped my eyes open to be greeted with my room. Sweat had formed on my forehead and I was panting, heart hammering against my chest. The sun was about to rise, it had to be something like half past five. I spent a good minute calming my breath that was twice as fast just to find that I wasn't the only one breathing in the room.

I wiped the sweat from my face and glanced to my left. A hand. A familiar slender hand. I noticed I wasn't lying on my usual pillow but something thinner, something more solid. An arm. I turned my head to the other side where my right arm had been lying motionlessly and now I could tell why. Something was lying on top of it. A body. I inhaled and looked up at the face, the dark hair, the defined neck. His scent was familiar, strangely familiar, so I sighed with relief flooding my system.

Hyungwon. Alright and in one piece.

How often had I seen him die in my dreams now? Ever since he had left for the raid the other week it was a typical topic. Sometimes he was lying in a hospital bed. Sometimes he fell. Sometimes he was run over. Sometimes shot.

But there were similarities as well. Every time I was left behind. Every time I woke up I would go look for him. Sometimes he was there. Sometimes he wasn't. But I'd always go find him. I'd always find him.

And suddenly he was lying right next to me when I woke up. It made dreaming and worrying about him much easier. I couldn't take my eyes off his features that were relaxed and peaceful in his sleep. He's here and he's fine. We had fallen asleep with me clinging to him like a monkey baby it seemed. At least I didn't remember letting go after he said that I was allowed to hug him. Of course you can. Wasn't it strange that he was fine with all this? How often had he shied away from my touch?

I didn't know today would be the day I snapped. The day we both snapped. And it would only take one reckless thing to make that happen.

I was just a little mad, okay? I'm sorry, yeah? I was apologizing in my dreams but couldn't even talk about my outburst from two days ago when facing him in reality. It was frustrating to not find the right words in front of a very insecure and traumatized person. And still we were this close at that very moment.

I was afraid of moving, afraid of waking him up when his presence was this calming. I didn't want him to get up and leave and go about his day as usual. I just wanted to lie there forever, head resting on his arm while he was spread out like a starfish. I smiled and closed my eyes for some time, enjoying the silence, the homely smell and the feeling of the first sunlight on my face.

But it wouldn't last forever.

That thought was reason enough for me to open my eyes again after, what, half an hour? His expression was still the same, eyes closed and his lips slightly parted as though he wanted to say something in his sleep. His chest moving in a steady rhythm.

But how long would this even last?

Some just die sooner than others. Not only was there the possibility of him falling in war but him simply getting up and leaving would destroy this whole image of peace as well. “How can I-”, I breathed so quietly nobody could have heard it, not even he who lay right beside me. How can I keep you here? Why did I even want to keep him there? Why did his touch cause me to feel all weird and reckless?

He's a spy. Get yourself together. My mind had tried to tell me this for days but it had gotten quiet, so quiet.

He means no harm, I replied to myself like I always would. Over and over again. He knows how much he means to us and I know how much we mean to him. He wouldn't be lying to me anymore. It can't be a lie. Why did I defend him? Why did I abandon everything just to believe him?

But if you're so convinced, does he really know how serious you are? He might leave without ever knowing it all. He might be dead by the time you finally manage to express what he means to you. Let him go. It's the best for both of you. Would that voice never shut up? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I'm sure he'll find out. He's clever and-

You know, you always expect him to catch on or tell you things but you never really do something yourself. I say he'll never know.

I glanced at him again. His eyes, his hair, his lips. Everything about him was affecting me too much it drove me crazy. How could I ever put these things into words? He would bail long before I could get to the point. What had I become?

He'll never know.

I didn't know how long it would last. But he is here now.

Suddenly, I wanted him to know. Suddenly, talking to him, hugging him and making him laugh wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted to tell him but how on earth should I? He would grow cold, wouldn't he? What exactly did I have to confess in the first place? I grew restless and tried to remove my right arm from its position below Hyungwon's back as careful as possible. The process caused me to sit up half-way until my hand was finally free again, blood rushing in to make it wake up.

He was so different. I had hugged everyone in Monsta X, had talked to them, had laughed with them, had slept beside Wonho and had even been kissed by the blond. But none of these actions could compare to the feeling of watching Hyungwon, hearing him talk, just having him around. It wasn't normal. Was I even allowed to think about this kind of stuff? And how do you put it into words? Are words even enough?

I used my now free hand to support my body when I let my face hover above his to get a better look at him. What could I do to let him know about my thoughts? The ones I couldn't say? My eyes fell on his lips again. Don't push your luck, the weird voice warned me but what else could I have done? I didn't know for how much longer this moment would last, it was like some sort of trance. It could be perfect.

I couldn't stop it. I didn't want it to stop.

I my lips just when he woke up, his whole body twitching once and brows furrowing. I swallowed audibly, knowing that I wouldn't be able to move away before he could catch me, so I just stared back at him when he opened his dark eyes. They were hooded and glanced around lazily for a few seconds before he recognized me and stopped.

Hyungwon's breathing sped up, eye movements growing hectic and lips still slightly parted as though he was searching for words. I blinked slowly and leaned even closer until our noses were lightly touching each other. Why was I doing this? Why was I being like this? I was impossible, how did I dare coming this close? I looked at his eyes once more, seeing the reflection of my white hair in them as well as a mess of emotions. Fear, confusion, a hint of pain. His breath ghosted over my skin. Panic, chaos and then...resignation?

I forced myself to stop and distance myself just enough to grasp this reaction. Why did it look like he was giving up on something? Was it because of me? Did this remind him of the time with his general (that bastard of a cursed imbecile)? Had I crossed the line? Of course I had. Hugs were already the line and now I was even... I did wrong. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I told you not to push your luck, the voice said and I retreated back to the position I had woken up in. Curled up under the blanket, head resting on Hyungwon's arm. He stared at the ceiling for a while, then turned his head towards me with something like disbelief in his eyes. I swallowed hard, my bad conscience causing me to look away in shame. What was I thinking? How should I explain?

“I'm sorry”, I whispered, listening to his agitated breathing. It was all my fault. “I...I should have asked but...I knew you wouldn't...didn't know I would even- I-” A shiver ran down my spine when his fingers wrapped around my wrist. “Hyungwon, say something.”

I could hear him his lips, could hear him take slower breaths but never calm ones. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don't know”, I replied, the realization of what I had done finally sinking in. I had tried to kiss Hyungwon. Why? When had I begun to, you know, be like that? “Say that it's disgus