Brace yourselves

Chapter 55 – Miss You

Once we got home I practically tackled Shownu to the ground with relief flooding my mind. It was wonderful to see him back in our house and he seemed to feel the same, his gaze softening upon seeing me. I noticed the bruises on his knuckles and narrowed my eyes. “You're hurt?”

“The idiot kept punching walls in his cell, he said”, Jooheon chimed in from the living room before going back to doing his homework for university as though we hadn't just set a police station on fire.

I glanced back at Hyungwon who just took off that black helmet I had stolen from an unconscious officer, nodded at Shownu to welcome him back and went to join Jooheon. I still couldn't believe he had gotten this hurt when even our one thug seemed to be rather fine. It made me mad to see him hurt but he didn't seem to mind half as much. He was just glad we had all made it.

I glanced at the helmet once more, then let Shownu stand up still holding on to his tanned arms. “You won't leave again, will you?”

He clenched his hand, then unclenched it again with a little smile. “I...No, I don't think so.”

I felt Hyungwon's gaze on me for some reason but every time I glanced at him he would look at Jooheon and say something in English in a hurry. “That's good”, I just whispered, tightening my grip around Shownu's arms when I got a little dizzy. He frowned.

“Minhyuk, are you alright? Your hands are all cold.” I ducked away when he reached out for my forehead but of course Hyungwon had to say something.

“Go to bed, Minhyuk. Don't get sick and go.”

I scrunched up my nose and finally met his eyes with a pout. “But Shownu has just-”

“Listen to Hyungwon”, Wonho shouted from the kitchen as he was making himself some coffee, “he knows what's best for you.”

Silence filled the room for a while and my wide eyes darted from Hyungwon to every corner in the room and back at him again. He swallowed but kept his eyes on me with a nod. “You heard him. Go.”

Shownu was visibly confused but spun me around and softly pushed me up the stairs with another smile. “Looks like you need to listen. I'm not going anywhere so rest up.”

“O-okay”, I mumbled, my lips when a thought crossed my mind. “Ah, Hyungwon is grounded for the next two days, don't let him go out...Just...Just don't ask.”

“You won't really do this to me, right?”, Hyungwon retorted from the living room and I raised a brow.

“Oh yes, I will.”

________________

“You've been sneaking glances at him for a little bit too long for comfort”, Jooheon muttered coldly and I snapped out of my trance, tearing my gaze away from the empty staircase with a swallow.

“Have I?” I started fidgeting around, playing with my fingers when Shownu sat down at the table with us.

“What's up with Minhyuk? He's neither smiley nor pretentious anymore. Did I miss something?”

Jooheon glanced at the stairs, then at me again with a raised brow. “He's dealing with withdrawal symptoms.”

“What, you mean he skipped completely? Jooheon, we agreed that we would never-”

“I know but it was too late by the time Hyungwon allowed us to go near him!”

My eyes widened and I raised my hands as if to surrender when Shownu's expression darkened in a second. “You let him dry out? Hyungwon, I know you can't imagine what he will become but-”

“Actually, I can”, I interrupted him while now calmly retorting his gaze and Jooheon swallowed.

“Shownu, he's right. Minhyuk had his break down four days ago already.”

“Four-” He stopped, blinking rapidly as though he couldn't quite grasp the situation. “And he's still... He looks alright.”

“Well he certainly didn't four days ago”, I shot back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “I wanted to drug him but I had been high myself and by the time I came to my senses it would probably have been too late anyway. All we can do is hope that he makes it, his fever has gone down but it's still there.”

Shownu nodded deep in thought, helpless sighs escaping his lips every now and then. “I suppose you know about what happened-”

“-to his mother? Yeah. He was brave back then. Still is. I believe in his tenacity, he'll be fine.” I my lips and averted my gaze. Why did this feel like some sort of open school day and why did I defend Minhyuk this much? “I managed to get him going again but his body still needs to catch up. Make sure that he rests at all times.”

“But how did you do that?”

“He's a miracle, don't know but it doesn't matter anymore. As long as it helps Minhyuk I wouldn't care if he called on demons, to be very honest.” Jooheon stretched his back, glancing at Shownu's bruised fists. “You should go take a shower and clean up that mess. I need this homework tomorrow so could you just get moving? I already skipped class to prepare for your prison break today.”

“I- Yeah, I mean...I'll just come back later. It's...It just doesn't make sense to me”, Shownu mumbled, drawing himself up and leaving for the bathroom.

I shot Jooheon a thankful look but he shrugged it off. “I would hate being asked the same questions over and over again. Help me get this done and we're even.”

Wonho entered the room with his coffee mug in hand and opened his mouth to say something but decided against it upon receiving Jooheon's glare, sitting down on the sofa to read the newspaper in silence. They were good at dealing with the fact that we had stood up against the government, it felt as though they had never done anything else. Well, it wasn't that big of an action for seven people but I couldn't deny that I was somewhat proud. If it's the seven of us we can make it, I thought in satisfaction, listening to Jooheon's quiet curses whenever he didn't get a thing. I could really get used to this.

Once we were done with the tasks I decided to head upstairs to check on Minhyuk before going to bed. He was asleep and snoring quietly which for some reason caused a smile to appear on my lips. I crouched down without my consent, putting my hand on his forehead. Fever, just like before. “I hope you'll get better soon”, I whispered, running my hand through his hair to let it rest by his neck. “You're doing great. Keep going.”

The corners of his mouth curled into a tiny smile that had me clear my throat and withdraw my hand. He was a sick puppy I wanted to care about and it just didn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense to you, Shownu? Don't worry, I don't get it either. Nothing made sense anymore.

I swallowed hard, shifting to lean my back against his bed, head resting next to his hand. Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I hadn't met you, I thought with my eyes closed and listening to his even breathing. And I don't think I'd like it. I couldn't say it often enough but it couldn't hurt to do it anyway. It couldn't hurt if it was Minhyuk. Things will never be alright. But with six other people around me it feels a little less ty.

“Thank you. I only brought you bad luck but you...You're still here”, I whispered quietly. It was true, the Clan would still be up and running if I hadn't tattled to Yi-en. Everything would be fine if I hadn't come into Monsta X' lives. It's selfish of me to stay only because I will get better. The realization hit me hard and I swallowed. My hand hovered above his head for a moment, wanting to his hair but I couldn't. What good could my touch do? I didn't deserve to feel better so I withdrew my hand, stood up and left the room without saying anything else. He wouldn't have heard me anyway.

I'm sorry for everything.

I hated myself for these kinds of mood drops. But that's what happens when you start thinking about things. Or start feeling happy.

________________

Hyungwon was grounded for two days but to be very honest that didn't make much of a difference in our daily lives. He had been home all day before anyway doing nothing but listening to the radio. One day passed during which he shot me looks I couldn't classify. It seemed as though he wanted to say something but didn't dare voicing it.

The orphans were home a lot after Hyungwon forbade them to stray through the streets. They could have been conscripted after all, he was worried. Wonho was the same as always – rarely home, often gone off to wherever he was passing his days and clingy as soon as he spotted me. Shownu was told everything about the most recent happenings and stayed at home to wait for something to happen while Jooheon went to university as always.

The time we spent as seven was mostly spent in tense silence and I didn't know how to help the others relax as my fever didn't go down and I felt dizzy every now and then. Whenever I started joking around they would cast me worried glances and I decided to just keep quiet at some point. Yet, even though it was a twisted image with everyone waiting for that damn war to kick in, I was so happy to be together with the other six guys at once.

Shownu, Jooheon, Wonho, Changkyun, Kihyun and now Hyungwon. It wasn't a common thing, all of them assembled in the living room, but it looked so right. It looked like something I could have stared at for the rest of my life. Everyone had their place and it wasn't just the one they had at our campfire in the garden. We were more than a community of convenience to do drugs. We were Monsta X. We were friends. Not even Hyungwon could deny that anymore though of course he didn't say it.

I was lying in my bed that night thinking about all kinds of stuff but one thing was bothering me on another level. Our newbie would ask me several times whether I was fine, offering to go get some medicine or anything to lower my temperature or lessen the pain. Everyone did that but it was just so much more important to me that Hyungwon asked. His worried eyes, his hands supporting me whenever I stumbled due to a fit of dizziness, his assurances that I'd be fine soon and the way he got close to me on his own. It was all so new and strange.

And it made me wonder why I was so affected and paid so much attention to him. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive. It was so easy to trust him after all he had done for us but that didn't explain why my breath hitched every time we touched. He knows about your past. What you've done, my brain tried to argue but I could only shake my head.

“Shownu and Jooheon know as well. Wonho might too. It's still different”, I mumbled quietly, hugging myself under the blanket when a shiver rushed down my spine.

He accepted everything. The others didn't. Then again it might be because you know about