Chapter 53 - Unforgettable

What I wanted to say is that whenever there's a flashback in italic the character doesn't necessarily tell ALL of that to the other. I write it out in detail for you to grasp the whole picture, so...ah, whatever, you'll see for yourself, I guess.

It took me a moment to let his words sink in and I grabbed his arms on both sides in concern as he moved as if to hide from me. “I don't think I understand”, I whispered and my heart skipped a beat when he finally stopped fighting back and buried himself in my shoulder instead. I swallowed hard, my lips as my eyes darted around the room in helplessness. “I'll repeat myself. Talk to me, Minhyuk. Please, it will help.”

Why did I even want to help? The soft bundle sobbing in my arms had my heart clench every now and then and again I couldn't help seeing Sangwon in him, back when he had defended himself against a bigger guy.

“What if he's hurt? What if he died?”

I patted his back, unable to suppress a smile. He was so sensitive. “He won't die from a few bruises, you should actually have done more, you know?”

Minhyuk clawed at my shirt and tried to calm down by taking long and deep breaths. His voice was quiet, barely audible and pretty weak. “H-how did you do this?”

“Do what?”

“It's only one death for me. But you...you said you...” Minhyuk's voice trailed off again and I pressed my lips together before rubbing soothing circles on his back. I didn't believe he would harm, let alone kill anyone.

“Tell me what happened first.”

“I killed my mom”, he repeated through clattering teeth but I shook my head.

“I don't believe you, you wouldn't do that. What makes you think so?”

“I-I...” He swallowed hard, his nails digging into the skin beneath my shirt by then and I kept my eyes fixed on his white hair. “I was a horrible son.”

________________

Images were shooting through my brain. Images, sentences, sounds, smells. All of them clashed and created pure chaos. I had spent a day trying to put them in order, had cried and whined as soon as I was left alone. It wasn't even the impact of my mother's death that had me shut down completely, it was the knowledge of all the memories I had done without for years. All these things I had never really forgotten but never remembered either. All these things that made me...me.

I had built myself a new life through Monsta X and the Clan. Had created a cheerful and happy self because something inside of me told me I must never be sad. And suddenly I knew where that voice had come from. When Hyungwon talked about all these more or less random things – Shownu's condition, his own plans, Changkyun's damn eating habits – it all broke out of me.

I knew he had to be afraid of how I was clinging to him but I couldn't help it. I wanted to have something to hold on to, needed someone who would listen without judgment and Hyungwon was just...He was just perfect. I had listened to him, now it was time to switch roles. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into my memories before I could turn back.

My family was normal. I had a father, a mother, no siblings. My father went to fight alongside some colleagues, back when China's invasion had only just started six years ago. He fought bravely, defended himself against various soldiers and became a valuable ally. At least that's what he told us when he got home after a month, bruises all over his skin that was crusty with dried blood. He became some sort of an idol to me; an idol covered in dark red blood.

The next time he went to fight, he didn't come back. My mother asked around but nobody had seen him ever since he had been taken hostage. They all thought the same thing: He wouldn't survive. I couldn't believe what they said, didn't allow myself to think that I had lost my father without ever being able to say good-bye to him. My mother wanted me to keep going to school, tried to keep our life going, tried to pretend that she didn't spend sleepless nights crying over her husband's death.

But I couldn't do that. I rarely showed up for class, the other kids pitying me for the loss of my father. But he isn't dead, I repeated to myself every time they made a stupid remark. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and started to fight for my father and his honor. He was more than a lame victim of the invasion. He was a hero that could come back at any time. He was my ing father after all. He isn't dead. He isn't dead.

I didn't go home very often. Didn't want to watch my mother shed tears over someone who wasn't dead. She didn't do anything to keep me there either so I only went there to eat, couldn't stand my mother's worrying glances. I was not interested in how she managed to keep us going or how she earned money. It was one of the worries only adults have. All I did was wait for my father's return in anticipation.

Then one day, a classmate started picking on me because my mother was said to have become a . “What's it like to have a new man in your house every day?”, some of them sneered but I didn't understand. I got mad and started more fights but the rumors didn't subside. It was infuriating. My mother would never do that. I would prove them wrong.

I decided to spy on my mother for one day, pretending to go to school when actually I was crouching behind the trash cans on the opposite side of our house. All of this just to prove some rumors wrong. I waited for two hours when suddenly a man I had never seen before rang our doorbell and was let in in an instant. My mother never opened the door when I was home and she had always told me not to open it either. It was more than suspicious though I couldn't quite believe it.

One hour. Then the man left. It wasn't until shortly before I'd usually come home that a second man appeared.

One hour. Then he left.

She saw him off at the door and I clenched my hands into fists, rising to my feet to walk up to our doorstep and stop a few meters away. My mother's expression changed upon seeing me, a hand coming up to in shock when I shook my dark hair out of my face. I didn't want to believe that her eyes were wide, her hair a mess and her lips slightly swollen. But I couldn't deny what I saw.

“You betrayed dad”, I whispered coldly, nails digging into the palms of my hands to leave crescent-shaped imprints behind.

“Minhyuk, dear, no, you don't understand. This must be a misunderstanding-”

“What the is there to misunderstand?!”, I yelled with my voice echoing from the tall buildings surrounding us. My face was burning, hell, my whole body was when I started shaking my head. “You gave yourself to other men because you couldn't wait for dad to come home. Is that it?”

“No, Minhyuk.” Her eyes were sad, slowly filling with tears when my glare kept piercing her. “I love your father”, she whispered but I was having none of that. I was mad, bullheaded and childish.

“You give yourself to other men and expect me to believe what you just said? Do you even know what you're saying?”

“How am I supposed to keep you alive then?”, she shouted back, the tears finally streaming down her face when she held on to the door with trembling hands. “There's nothing else I can do to take care of you. Why won't you understand, Minhyuk, that I'm doing this for you?”

“What did you ever do for me?!” I let out a huff, clenching my teeth. “Ever since dad went away you've done nothing but sit around and cry! Oh, and you obviously threw yourself into the arms of other men. When did you ever think about me? Talk to me about how ty school is going? Hear me defend you in front of my classmates?”

“I always thought about you, how could I have known-”

“You know what? I don't want to listen to this any longer. You betrayed me. Betrayed dad. And if you can't give your love to dad anymore then I'm no longer your son. Don't bother finding a way to 'take care' of me.”

“Don't say that, I told you I love-”

“Bull! My father will-”

“Your father is dead, Minhyuk!”

Silence spread during which I could only stare at the woman in front of me in disbelief. Excuses. Lies. I didn't want to believe her. I simply couldn't believe her. My father was a hero. He would come back soon but his wife would be a mere shadow of what she had been before. It was disappointing. I shook my head.

“Don't expect me to come back anymore, mother.” I my heels and dashed into the next street with her cries following me. Get away from that traitor, no matter where you land.

I slept over at Changjung's place. I knew Shownu from class and he was the closest I had to a friend. They tried to convince me of going back to my mother because I knew I had been wrong, knew I had no right to judge her, but I was too proud.

Two long weeks had to pass until Shownu's pleading finally got through to me. I grabbed my keys and made my way to our house that looked just like on the day I had left it behind. I was worried. How do you apologize to your mother after saying you would no longer be her son? Shownu had come along and we were supposed to meet up with his neighborhood friend Jooheon once I was done with this. I had to wrap this up quickly, didn't want him to wait.

I swallowed when I pushed the door open. “Mom?” No reply. I tried again but there was not a sound to be heard. I checked the kitchen seeing a pot of fried rice on the hearth with a note next to it. “Eat up, my son”, I read the words with a frown, finding the pot to be almost completely cold. Almost. Wherever my mother had gone off to it couldn't have been more than half an hour since she had left the house.

I went into the living room where a few pieces of paper were lying on the dining table. I stepped closer, finding one of them to be a photo of us. All three of us. Twelve-year-old me, my mother and my father smiling happily into the camera but my mother's face was scratched out with a pen. I then noticed the small piece of folded paper next to it and picked it up with a bad feeling in my gut. Another note.

Minhyuk, my dear.

You were all I had left.

If you happen to read this, please know that I really only did these things for you.

You'll be my son forever, no matter what you say.

Live well, my son. And do it without looking back.

I frowned at my mother's shaky handwriting before letting my eyes wander across the room. What did this mean? Shownu cocked his head to the side when I approached him with the note buried in my hoodie's pocket. “That was fast.”

“She wasn't there. Let's...let's just meet up with Jooheon.”

I couldn't stop myself from glancing back at the house a few more times, couldn't stop myself from feeling anxious for some reason. And I would soon find out why.

Jooheon ran towards us long before we could reach our meeting point, his face red from sprinting for a long time. “Minhyuk! , your mom! She-”

“What's with her?” The alarms went off in my head but Jooheon just grabbed my wrist and dragged me down the street, breaking out into another run though he must have been at his very limit already. “Jooheon...what's...wrong?”, I panted and his eyes were twice their usual size when he glanced back at me.

“She wants to jump.”

I stood at the foot of the tall building and couldn't believe what I saw. Jooheon had been right. “Mom!” The bystanders stopped their talks and shouts to look at me in shock – or was it pity? “Mom, wait!” I could barely make out her face from this far away but I knew she had to be crying and entered the building in a hurry, running up the stairs like my life depended on it – no, more like that of my mother.

I reached the roof with few to zero oxygen left in my lungs and fell to my knees when I saw her figure behind the banister. “Mom, no!”

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