Ɖяɛαм Δи∂ Ғαтɛ

​Author: greyrani

Reviewer: pikakaehimesama

Grammar & Spelling : 13.5/20

“[H]e must see the tears that flowed on my cheeks...” (Chp. 1) This is a common mistake, I admit I do it myself, but be careful of verb tense switching. As you can see in this example, “He must see” and “tears that flowed” are two different tenses. Also the first is grammatically incorrect. 

“‘[N]e, Yuto-kun,’ Ryousuke said playfully” (Chp. 2) Please, please, please do not mix Korean language with the Japanese language. In olden times, Korea and Japan did not have that solid of a relationship. If you are going to say “yes” in Japanese, please use the Japanese way of saying it. I assume it is supposed to be informal because it’s between friends, so the informal way would be “うん” or if you wanted to make it formal use, “はい” 

“[H]e went silent” (Chp. 2) This is a mistake many authors make and unfortunately it is a common mistake to make. Using third person pronouns are okay once you clarify who is speaking. Judging from their conversation, it is hard to tell if Ryousuke or if Yuto speaking this line. 

Something else I noticed was how the way you address your characters when you name them. Traditionally in Asian names the Last name comes first then the first name. Many people tend to switch it around during the story, and that is something you do too, so just watch out for that. 

This is another common mistake especially on stories in AFF, not just yours which is the use of the other language. There is no problem for me reading words like, “いもうと” or something like “おにちゃん” but there are other readers who do not know these Japanese terminology. They don’t know that “いもうと” means little sister, or how “おにちゃん” is a casual and more improper form which translates to older brother.

Character Development: 7/10

From what I have read in the first 10 chapters, you introduced a lot of characters. That is a common problem authors have (I do it too so don’t worry) but when you introduce TOO many characters, a reader cannot keep up with every single character. You introduced over 20 characters within the first 10 chapters but only went over about five of them. As an author, you know every character because you developed them, as a reader, I don’t know any of these people at all. Think of it like, if you first started to learn about ballet, you had to know all the terminology, what everything means, and how to perform it, and you just started to learn about it today.

Plot: 15/20

Your plot is all over the place. It’s hard to define what is part of the story, what is a quote, what’s a flashback etc. Work on developing the plot. It’s completely fine to write out the plot, create a diagram, use post-its, whatever works for you to make sure your plot is consistent within the story. 
You have way too many flashbacks. Flashbacks are used to understand something in a story that we do not know. You already went over the facts earlier but you still choose to use flashbacks to explain things that could have been written in the chapter they were done. 
You however do a good job at visualization of places, meaning how you are descriptive with writing the setting, which is a good thing, so keep up that good work.

Other Notes
(These comments of course is just my personal opinion, and you do not have to change it if you are satisfied with it. These comments do not affect your score in any way, but they are my tips on how to make your story amazeballs.) 

This is something I’m recommending not just to you, but everyone who is a here, is a website that ALL my English teachers have told me to reference if you need help, and it’s an extremely useful site: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ This website has saved me from making so many grammatical errors in my sentences and helped me fix my writing a lot. It teaches you almost everything you need to know about English writing. 

Be EXTREMELY careful with long stories. I have friends who are avid fanfic readers and CANNOT stand reading a fanfic that is over 30 chapters long. Your story, is almost triple that amount, and it’s not even completed. There are hardly any fanfic readers, especially avid ones who have the time to read 30+ chapters. Your chapters are not even long, and that’s just even a bigger turn off. This is just an overall guideline, but if your story is over 30 chapters with short chapters, you need to compress your chapters. No one likes reading a billion chapters (i’m exaggerating but that’s besides the point), but they like reading long chapters. I am not marking you down on that at all, because I’m all about the story, but this is just a heads-up to you and any other fanfic writer who is about to write a 30+ chapter fanfic. If exceeds the 30 cap amount, you chapters for the story should be long and filled with details because it is possible to combine a bunch of your chapters together.

This is layout issue, but it does not count towards your deduction as I have stated before. When you italicize something, keep it consistent with one type of styling. If you’re going to add quotes or lines from songs (which I assume is the “The breeze blows through fate” (Chp.1) ) line, it’s makes it easier for a reader to read if you put it in a different font, or you can just lighten the color to a light gray. You already began the story with the Italicized words, which I assume are the character’s thoughts, so to see the other italicized words, it’s confusing to tell what’s supposed to be a character’s thoughts and what is not.

Overall: 

Honestly, I’m happy I can read a Japanese fanfic because I have NOT read one in an extremely long time. I also found a new group to listen to :) I enjoy J-Rock, and I haven’t found a good J-Pop group in an extremely long time so I’m happy there are Japanese fans on here and it’s not all K-pop :)

To sum up my review, the main mistakes in your story deal with consistency. A story should be consistent with their style throughout the book, and try not to change it up too much throughout the story. 

FINAL SCORE : 35.5/50
[71/100]

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