Our Love Will Never Die
A New Kind of LoveDo I love Yuri? Or do I just think of her kindly? How am I supposed to think only of mine betrothed with my first true love sheltered in the depths of my mind? My heart once resided with Kibum and only Kim Kibum. My soul was conjoined with his and our hearts beat as one. Whether that undeniable truth remains is a mystery.
Why is it that sometimes the mind and heart are legible to the simple layman and other times even the strongest spectacles cannot decipher them? It seems during the stagnant times in our lives where one simply allows their life to proceed without disruption. It appears to be during times of scandal or bitter conflict where the soul desperately searches within to unravel its true desires.
But where does my heart lie now? Am I going through crisis? Is that why I can't decode its yearning?
It's been frustrating me ever since I've started chatting with Kibum again. We've met on many occasions since he returned. Neither of us has made an official pass yet. So far we've just been catching up. Just talking. He seems to have moved on, which, although I didn't expect anything different, still surprised me. He wasn't all bouncy and constantly hugging my neck and kissing my cheeks anymore. He was just talking. And I didn't know how to react.
He says he's not dating anyone. I haven't told him about my wife and kids yet. What would he think if I told him about them? He might be hurt that I even got married, which isn't too far-fetched a reaction. How on Earth would he understand that I never wanted to get married? Even if I'm married to her now, how would he be able to understand that I never wanted to sign my future to anyone else but him?
He's gonna think of me as weak. He's gonna say that if I really didn't want to get married, I would have rebeled. And he's not gonna believe that I did. I tried to see him but my dad stopped me. I should have done more...
Still, it warms my heart knowing that he has changed very little, if at all. I knew I wanted something from him, but I didn't know what.
I couldn't decide what to do. I spilled all my problems out loud one night with Taemin.
"Key's actually back??"
"Yup. He's been around for some time now. We've been talking a lot too."
"Why haven't you told me!? How is he? Does Yuri know?"
"I just told her he's a school friend. She doesn't know about our history. And he's doing well. He's an executive at KKB."
"Woah~ Seriously man! Why haven't you told me he was here?"
"Taemin, forget about that. Tell me what to do! I can't stop thinking about him but I'm afraid to make a move!"
"Look, hate to break it to you, but you know my marriage is practically in shambles. You've come to the wrong guy for marriage advice."
I sighed in frustration. "Right, I'm sorry. I haven't asked about you and Soo Jung."
"I think she's having an affair or something. I mean... I don't know. She's not talking to me. I think I'm being too cold toward her, but I don't know what to do."
"Do you still love her?"
He paused to think. "Of course I love her."
"Then shouldn't that be enough?"
"That's what I figured. But I guess you gotta do more."
"Sorry man, I don't know what else to tell you. I've got my own problems." I took another sip of my beer and looked down to the ground.
"Do you really love Key?"
I looked at him but couldn't formulate an answer to the question. "Come again?"
"I'm just thinking, what if you're just in love with the idea of being in love with Key? What you had almost a decade ago surely was love, but what if you're trying to rebuild that? What if it can't be rebuilt?"
I leaned toward him. "I suppose that could be true. But then what do I do?"
"Then again, it is possible that you are actually in love with him, even now. But we don't know how he feels about you. I'd say just move on and focus on you're wife. If you can't handle being friends with him then stay away from Key. But if you really think you could work something out... then try it. But don't cheat on Yuri. You know how fragile she is. That's the best I got."
I looked off into the distance and finished my beer. "I should get going."
Taemin gripped my arm before I could get away. "Oh no, there is no way I am letting you drive home like this. Here, I'll drive you."
I pondered over Taemin's words for about a week or two. Kibum and I were still chatting on friendly terms. But things started changing when he finally asked me during one of our walks on the beach.
"Minho, I want to ask you something personal."
"What is it?"
"Are you married?"
My mouth froze, trying desperately to hold back the correct answer. "Why do you ask?"
"We reunited weeks ago, and ever since then, you haven't told me a thing about your life now, except for your job. I told you about my entire past, even all the one night stands I've had! And you haven't told me a thing!"
"Kibum I can explain-"
"And I want you to be honest. I don't want to have to deduce for myself from your wedding ring that you're married.
I looked down at the little diamond object on my ring finger. "You caught that?"
"Answer me. Why wouldn't you at least tell me that you're married?
I looked toward the sand. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make the situation awkward. I just... enjoyed seeing you again. I thought you wouldn't see me again if you knew."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because of our past-"
"Is just that. The past. What happened then doesn't affect us now. I'm still happy that I got to meet you again and stand here next to you. And I'm happy that you're married." You're happy? How can you be happy? Have you seriously moved on? Should I do so as well?
"I'm curious. What's she like?" He asked, still smiling brightly.
My lips quivered. "Uh- I have a picture in my wallet." I fumbled to get it out, and opened up to the photo.
He widened his eyes. "Yaa~ She's gorgeous. And are those you're kids?" He pointed to the other photo.
I cracked a small smile. "Yea. This one's my first, Yoogeun. He just turned seven. And here's Sooyoung. She's four years old."
He gasped. "They're so precious! You lucky bastard."
I chuckled. "Yea. They're the best." But I wish you were by my side. "It's getting late. We should head back. You have a ride?"
"I took the bus. I'll take it to go back home."
"Don't do that. Give me your address. I'll drop you off."
He seemed to hesitate. "Are you sure? That's really not necessary-"
"I insist." I asserted gently.
We got into my car and drove off to his place. We didn't talk at all on the way. We didn't really have anything to talk about until we pulled up in front of his apartment, which looked awfully familiar.
"...You live here?"
"Yea, why?" He looked at me in curiosity, and within a split second of realization, he quickly looked away.
"That night when I was drunk-"
"Minho-"
"You took me-"
"I can explain-"
"And you were acting as if you didn't know I was here-"
"Minho! It's not what you think it might be!"
"Kibum what's going on!"
"Nothing! I just happened to go to the bar the same time you were there. You were drinking heavily and you passed out. I would have felt guilty for leaving you there and getting a cab so I took you to my place. Just so you wouldn't drive home drunk. That's all."
I didn't know how to reply. He had a plausible reason. But for some reason, I wanted to hear something more.
Kibum and I were silently staring at each other before he quickly looked away. "I should leave now. Good night."
I gripped his wrist before he could open the door. "Do you still love me?"
He wrestled to escape my grip. "Do I what!?"
"Why did you take me to your place that night? Why are you totally okay with me being someone else's husband? Why did you agree to even chat with me?"
He breathed deeply and softly countered, "What about you? You're married and you still have our ring."
I widened my eyes. He saw through everything. How do I explain to him? More importantly, how do I explain to myself why I have both rings?
I released his wrist and looked toward the windshield. I rested my elbows on the steering wheel and dropped my head into my hands. Closing my eyes, I sighed in frustration. "I'm sorry, I... I just... couldn't throw it away." I left it at that.
After a long moment of silence, I felt his hand rubbing my shoulder. "I still have it, too."
I didn't look up, but I heard him fiddle with a necklace. It was probably around his neck.
"Hey," He whispered. "It's ok. I don't blame you for having this dilemma. But look, you do have a wife-"
"I didn't ask for one!" I looked him square in the face. "Literally, my dad arranged for this marriage for business purposes. And look what's come of that!"
He placed his hand on my cheek, which calmed me down. "I'm sorry you feel this way. Look, I will always love you." A smile spread across his face." And I'm always here if you need a shoulder to lean on. But I didn't come back to Korea to pursue you." His smile faded. "I'm here to rebuild my life. And I'd love for you to be a part of that. And if having you as a friend is the best I can get, then so be it. But Minho, although I love you, I don't have the guts to steal you for myself. Trust me, I know how it feels to be cheated on, and I do not want your wife to go through that." His hand slid to my neck. "Regardless of what happens now, just know that I will always be here for you."
He opened the car door. "I'll see you next time." I didn't respond to say goodbye. Instead, I sat there in, pondering over his words.
Four days later.
I anxiously paced back and forth in the living room. After countless hours of planning, I had some idea of what I was going to do. It may hurt people, and there is a level of uncertainty present, but it's the right thing to do. I can't live any longer with such a big secret. I felt an immense amount of guilt for keeping it, and I couldn't stand it.
Alas, Yuri entered through the front door. "Hey sweetie. Sorry I'm late."
I walked over to her to take her bag. She pecked me on the cheek. "Don't worry. You're not late. Have a seat."
I nervously placed her bag to the side and we sat on the couch, facing each other. I took a deep breath, still not fully ready to spill everything.
Yuri's jovial smile disappeared. "What is it?"
I held both of her hands in mine. "I-I've been meaning to tell you. I don't know how to start."
She sat up and leaned closer to me. "Honey what's wrong?"
As much as I resented this moment, I knew I had to do it. A part of me wanted nothing more than to clear it from my chest. I breathed deeply one more time before speaking a word.
"I really do care for you. I think that you are a great mother and a warm hearted person. And I'm very thankful that I've been able to have kids with you. And I like that I can talk to you about almost anything. You're a great friend. But..." I looked away and released her hands. "I'm in love with someone else."
She didn't respond. I didn't see her response. I heard her quietly breathing. "You're having an affair?"
I looked back at her, eyes wide. "No. Not an affair. Nothing has happened. Just feelings." I paused. "I'm sorry. I thought I could get over it but I can't."
She looked like she was going to cry. Her lip quivered. "Who is it? Anyone I know?"
I shook my head. "It's someone I dated years ago. Long before I even met you. I was dating this person in high school, and my dad split us up. He came back recently from Pari-"
"Wait wait, wait... Came back? Where was he-" She leaned back, piecing everything together. "That friend of yours that you told me about. The one you've been seeing lately. It's him right?"
I nodded. "Yuri, please listen. Nothing has happened between us since he came back. These are just my feelings. That doesn't mean I don't care about you. In fact, the last thing I want to do is hurt you."
She stared at the coffee table. "A-Are you breaking up with me?"
Yea, I clearly didn't plan any of this. I didn't have intentions of divorcing Yuri because that would affect our kids greatly. But I couldn't stand hiding my feelings from her. I wanted to be with Key, but I can't leave her.
Then again, Why would I even tell her if we're not gonna split up? Now we're gonna continue living together, with her knowing that my heart is beating for someone else.
"No. I mean, yes but... I don't know. I felt guilty for not telling you sooner. I don't know what to do. I don't want to put any strain on you or the kids."
She slowly sat up. "Where are you going?"
She covered . "Just, excuse me for a sec." She mumbled, briskly walking out of the room. I exhaled loudly and sat back on the couch. None of us were happy. But at least it was out in the open. Still, I hung my head in my hands and closed my eyes, wishing for a less burdening life.
What the... has it really been THAT long since I last updated??? :OO hi guys! sry it's been so long. three weeks maybe? i think this is the longest i've gone without updating. ive been busy with a musical and junior year hw and all that (AND i STILL have to look at colleges -____-). while i cant promise regular updates, i can assure u guys this story will not die!
i apparently created this account 2 years ago today (and didnt use it til this year lol) so happy holidays everyone! and hope u guys liked this update :)
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