Namjoo’s apartment was very quiet afterward. For a very long time she lay on her bed sobbing on and off. When the sun rose up she still hadn’t been able to fall asleep and she didn’t get up.

Kai would be at the airport by now, but wouldn’t go see him off. She couldn’t see him off with the very same smile as she had four years ago.

Nothing was the same anymore.

She had lost her life line.

A weak cry left her before she curled up to cry into her pillow again.

Namjoo had never hurt this much before. The weight in her heart just got heavier and heavier, the pain, like claws gnawing at her heart.

Her phone started ringing, but Namjoo didn’t care anymore.

As the day droned on Namjoo twisted and turned in bed when hunger ate at her stomach. For a long while in the evening she successfully fell asleep before waking up to that depressing wallow in her heart.

Weakly rising from bed she walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on intending to jump in for a wash. Instead she stood there watching the droplets hit the ground, its every death reminding her of how Kai had come by to quietly say farewell, and how part of her had died.

She hadn’t been ready for it. She hadn’t been ready…

In the end she hugged herself and just cried some more, welting out some loud childish sobs before sitting on the ground.

She missed him already.

Why wasn’t he calling?

As night came around Namjoo resorted to sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. As the dark liquid warmed her body up Namjoo suddenly found herself normally breathing again. Pressing a hand to her forehead she inhaled and exhaled calmly before walking into her room to sit down on her bed.

Kai always said she was smart and capable; that she always made the best decisions and he was proud of her for that. And she thought she could hear his voice in her head. It was perhaps her biggest encouragement.

She couldn’t cry, she wouldn’t cry anymore. There was a chance Kai wasn’t crying either. He would try to be his best over there and she would have no choice, but to do what she’d always been doing. So during the time he would work hard over there, she would work hard too and when he returned…whenever he returned…he’d look at her proudly and she’d smile at him proudly too.

As long as he would be proud of her, she would die of happiness, so until then…she just had to keep going.

Grabbing her phone she glanced at all the missed calls to find that they were from work.

Setting her phone down she stripped out of her clothes and into her uniform before driving off to work in the middle of the night. And all she could recall later was reporting to duty and bowing her head in immediate apology for skipping her hours.

“Do you know if I can have some more hours?” Namjoo asked one of the head supervisors when the sun came around again. “I think I have more time now, so if there’s any; give them to me.”

“Namjoo, you’re already working 40 hours a week. What do you want to do? Work yourself to death?”

Smiling, she just said, “It’s the money that counts, doesn’t it?”

The supervisor shot her a frown before she laughed awkwardly and walked away. She didn’t think she’d ever be any happier if she couldn’t keep her mind off Kai leaving.

On her days off she’d take to lying around the house staring at the TV without paying attention to what was on or sometimes she’d just stare at nothing at all. Namjoo didn’t think she had the energy to run around as she had before anymore. In the end, what was the point anyway?

That weekend when Bo Young was told to take her shift so that she could rest at home, Namjoo found herself diligently cleaning her home even though she’d cleaned just the day before. Anyhow, she took to reorganizing her closet and throwing everything out again only to reorganize everything once more. By the time she finished the moon was already high in the sky and she was recalling the night Kai had talked about the moon and going to Japan.

Depressed, she flopped onto the bed laying around, tossing and turning before her eyes landed on the box she’d intended to give Kai, but had been unable to.

That hand squeezed her heart again before she reached for the box and snapped it open. The silver bracelet that Kai would have adorned perfectly shone into her eyes so prettily. It hurt to look at it, but to know that he would probably never wear it now was even more painful.

Pulling the bracelet out of the box Namjoo slid it onto her wrist. It barely went all the way up to her elbow because it was so big, but she decided she’d wear it anyway. There wasn’t any memory or thought of Kai that she wanted to discard. All of it was a treasure to her and this fine jewelry was part of it.

Tears sparkled in her eyes again before she turned over to close them.

“=====”

Luhan was bored. Almost four weeks had passed by without hearing from Namjoo. As busy as she would she would have least called to stop by or something, but he hadn’t heard from her. Or was she busy with her lovely brother who was soon to head off to Japan? Even so, she should have remembered him at least.

That weekend when he finally cleaned up his place, vacuumed, and mopped he made a trip to the mart to stock up his fridge. On the way back home he grabbed his phone wondering if Namjoo was out or at work. They should at least catch up, he thought.

She picked up after a few rings; her voice was dry as if she’d just woken up, but it was already evening…and she was still sleeping?

“What are you doing?” Luhan asked.

“Sorry, I’ll be right there.”

He frowned, “Are you sleep talking?”

“I just woke up,” Namjoo clarified and cleared , “who’s this?”

Luhan almost rolled his eyes at Namjoo’s absurd behavior, “Me, Luhan.”

There was a moment of silence before she laughed, “Oh. Yea? Do you need something?”

He thought she was a bit strange. Namjoo always had an organized, respectful manner but she sounded…what would he call it…somewhat reckless, careless.

“Have you eaten? If not, do you want to eat?” Luhan asked.

There was a longer moment of silence this time as if Namjoo had gone back to sleep. What was up with her?

“Namjoo,” Luhan called into the phone.

“Yea,” was all she said before the phone suddenly hung up.

“What the hell…” he muttered pulling the phone away from his ear.

Grabbing the grocery bags from the back he headed up to his apartment and started prepping for dinner. He was in the middle of putting rice into the rice cooker when there was a knock on his door. Dropping the little bowl in he turned around to open the door. Compared to her disoriented manner earlier, she at least looked groomed. Namjoo first poked her head in to look around and held up a bag of some canned food.    

“Hi!” She greeted cheerily.

He took note of the bags underneath her eyes as she walked in and looked around.

“You really just woke up?” Luhan asked closing the door and turned to peer at her. “Have you been working late?”

“Nah,” she replied taking the cans out of the bag and setting them somewhere onto his counter. “Just been sleeping a lot.”

Namjoo just didn’t choose to sleep. Even though she did like sleeping, she always made use of her time.

As she continued to move around he quickly caught sight of the silver bracelet sliding to and fro on her arm. It looked familiar.

“So what are you making?” Namjoo asked staring into the pan on the stove.

“Instant curry.”

“Oh really?” Namjoo asked. “Are you going to cook meat with it?”

“Oh…yea.” He replied looking from her to the bracelet on her wrist. It was barely dangling off her hand, but for some reason it didn’t fall off.

There was something about Namjoo that was amiss, but he couldn’t quite catch onto what it was. Turning away he headed to the stove to turn it on and heard Namjoo moving the cutting board from the counter to the table. She did it all so quietly when he thought she’d be the one yapping.

Pouring the meat into the pan and he stirred it slightly. There was something itching the back of his mind, but he couldn’t tell what it was. The meat was quick to turn to a light brown color and by then Namjoo still hadn’t said anything. Luhan couldn’t hear her chopping the veggies up either. When he turned he realized she hadn’t started doing anything.

In front of him was his friend frozen in spot, the knife in hand, and her eyes elsewhere. This dead expression sat on her face. It suddenly clicked in his head that the bracelet was what she’d intended to give Kai before he left. Then why…why was she wearing it?

Luhan eyed the bracelet before raising his eyes up to look at Namjoo again. There was no shine in her eyes, no glow around her as should be. He glanced toward the bracelet again and saw the knife in her hand sliding forward before he abandoned the pan.

“Namjoo!” He screamed grabbing the knife from her.

Her eyes immediately widened as if he’d shocked her and she turned to look at him.

“What?”

Clamping his eyes shut, he let out a heavy sigh, “Just leave it. I’ll do it ok?”

“No, I was just going to get started,” Namjoo denied reaching out for the knife, which he quickly held above his head to keep from her reach.

“Forget it, just go watch the meat,” Luhan ordered.

Without fighting Namjoo did as told and walked away.

What was wrong with her?

For probably the first time Luhan ended up doing everything as Namjoo blankly stood by. He was profusely sweating by the time he finally finished cooking the curry and pouring it out evenly onto their plates. However, as they sat at the table Namjoo barely touched her food.

Glancing up from his plate he watched her stare into the curry mixed over the rice, the spoon in her hand, unmoved.

“What?” Luhan asked. “Why aren’t you eating?”

“I am,” Namjoo stated, finally stabbing the spoon into her plate and took a bite but didn’t proceed any further.

She was bad, Luhan realized, at hiding her feelings.

There was something about seeing her this way that didn’t make him feel content. Namjoo should be talking, asking him questions, and be the one initiating conversation.

“Did something happen?” Luhan worried.

In the end Namjoo just smiled and set her spoon down, “Sorry, I don’t think I have much of an appetite tonight.”

And he understood that something was wrong.

“You better eat half of that by the time I’m done with mine,” Luhan bargained.

“I’m really not hungry.”

“I mean it,” Luhan emphasized the tone of his threat. “Do you want me to stuff the food down your throat?”

Namjoo just stared at him unable to glare or frown at him. Getting up from his seat he walked over and grabbed her spoon, not really intending to feed her. Luhan just wanted to urge her on a little.

When he grabbed the spoon Namjoo turned away and shot her hand out to push his hand away.

“Stop it! Luhan, stop!” Namjoo shouted continuing to push him away as he pushed against her.

In the end Namjoo let out a deafening shout irritated and they heard something clink against the floor. Their heads shot toward the ground to see the beloved bracelet sitting on the tiled floor. Luhan felt a strange sadness in the air and he was immediately sorry. When he glanced at Namjoo he saw that her eyes had hardened and the shine in them continued to die out until her orbs barely reflected anything.

“Sorry,” Luhan apologized picking the bracelet up and handed it back to her.

Without looking at him Namjoo retrieved it, immediately grasping it into her palm. Her jaw tightened as she gritted her teeth, but she said nothing. It was that moment when he realized that her brother had probably left, meaning she hadn’t been able to give him the gift in time…or something else had happened for her to be like this.

Luhan could only imagine how she was feeling. Kai, after all, had been one she loved most. She always spoke about him so highly as if no one could compare to him. When on the phone she’d turn into a little girl, shy with her first love; how she had confessed to him that she liked Kai; that whenever she saw him her eyes would become its shiniest and her smile the biggest. All of it revealed the depth of Kai’s importance in her heart.

His heart went out to her. They’d loved each other, but it was wrong.

Unable to say anything else he asked, “Do you want to have a few drinks with me?”

Without cleaning up they later sat on the floor against his couch with beer scattered in front of them. Luhan watched Namjoo quickly gulp one after another, her hand gripped into a little fist to bear the bitter going down . He realized she probably didn’t drink very much, but was suddenly doing so because she hurt and it was the only medicine to turn to.

By the time her can dropped to the ground Luhan had barely finished his first. Another can popped open and Namjoo had tilted her head back for more. For about an hour Namjoo never spoke to him and he decided it best to leave her be. After her third can hit the ground Namjoo finally gripped onto her fourth and exhaled; her breath coming out shakily.

“I think it was in high school,” Namjoo glanced up at the ceiling, “that I realized I liked him. Kai, the handsome boy all the girls liked.”

A smile stole her face as she lowered her head while she reminisced.

“He was the boy no other boy dared to touch,” she told. “I kissed him once when I was a child, I should have been happiest then. You know how your heart goes ba-dum-ba-dum after a first kiss. Mine was like that, a little crazily.” Namjoo’s voice underlay her loud breathing as she thought back to it, “I used to get angry on purpose so he would console me with sweets.” Then her voice broke a little, “I don’t think that will happen anymore.”

A tear quickly splattered down her face, but Namjoo quickly wiped it away as if ashamed.

“When girls teased me for being bought into a rich family, Kai would ward them away and pull me to sit with him and his friends. And even when I wasn’t hungry, he’d pull me out of class and slip snacks into my pocket. As my mother’s only child, everyone watched my every move to make sure I never messed up. When the pressure was too great, Kai was my only strength. He was the only one who took my burdens. That boy was my hero, but my hero has left his post.”

Setting her can down Namjoo buried her face into her hand and cried into it despairingly as if she’d lost her only hope.

“But it hurts, it hurts so much, right here,” Namjoo threw her hand against her chest as the tears streamed down. “It hurts and I can’t set him free. It’s so heavy right here. I can’t feel my heart in my chest, it’s so empty and it hurts.”

Luhan tightened his grip around the can in his hand as she quietly cried. The emptiness, he knew well.

Crying Namjoo wasn’t who he’d wanted to see tonight. He didn’t want to see her shattered. He’d rather see that smile she always gave him that could never compare to the one she gave Kai. He’d rather have her as he had the other night, shy and awkward than heartbroken.

He didn’t like the hole in her heart or the heavy weight she felt there. That bracelet shouldn’t be on her wrist. He wanted to tell her not to hold on if Kai had already released her, but he sat there without word.

When he turned to look at her he thought of the way she’d shyly looked as she talked to Kai that one morning. This person in front of him wasn’t the same person, but she was also the same person who’d worn his clothes to sleep and his shoes home.

He didn’t want to see her cry anymore, because…because…because it made him feel unwell too.

Leaning to the side he felt the side of their faces brush before pressing a hand against her tainted cheek, whispering, “It’s ok.”

Closing his eyes he gave her a slow peck and felt a flush of sensation unlike any other he’d experienced before. A stilled breath flocked from his lips before he pried his lips apart to taste her for the very first time. 

***From here on out it's gonna be some more of HanJoo before Chae Yoon enters the picture again