“=====”

Kai didn’t come back the next day or the day after that. Namjoo was left wondering if that day had been some kind of gift from him to her.

Honestly she was glad Kai was taking the chance to gain firsthand experience in his field, she was very proud of him. So as she worked she reminded herself to continue working just as hard as he.

Kai was her role model after all; her greatest person and she would make him proud to.

One time after returning from her late night shift she’d find food prepped up and ready for her to eat on her table. She thought that those kinds of nights were what made her happiest even if she didn’t see Kai in person.

Simple happiness was the biggest happiness.

This time she wanted to send Kai off with a smile on her face again. Letting him go happily and welcoming him back with full arms and a smile was what she wanted to do. In case Kai was nervous and afraid he wouldn’t do well abroad Namjoo wanted to do something small for him. After a long night of thinking she realized she didn’t know what exactly to get Kai that he wouldn’t already have.

Early that next morning she waited in front of a department store with a thinning crowd going to and fro in front and behind her. Glass displays of jewelry of all sorts beamed in front of her, its surface reflecting the bright lights above. The service cloaks standing behind each counter waited patiently with painted smiles.

Raising her wrist to look at the time she tapped her foot against the tiles wondering why Luhan wasn’t showing. Another thinning crowd passed by before she eventually spotted him walking toward her. With a smile she quickly waved him over.

“What are we doing here?” Luhan asked as Namjoo wheeled him toward one of the displays.

“There,” Namjoo pointed at one of the silver Tiffany bracelets. “Does it look nice?”

He nodded quietly. “Why? Who are you getting it for?”

“Kai,” Namjoo answered as her eyes droned in on the bracelet. “I want to give him something before he leaves. He’ll like it, won’t he?”

“He’s leaving?”

Namjoo nodded then as if to assure herself told, “But he’ll be back. I just want to give him some kind of good luck charm.”

Then pointing to the bracelet asked to look at it. The image of giving the gift to Kai made her happy. As long as he would have something to remember her by she would be content enough. Although she dreaded being apart from him again for some time, she was certain he would return after he fulfilled her mother’s wishes. Kai was always a filial son, he was even better than her.

Tucking the box with the bracelet safely hidden inside into her purse they finally headed out.

“Do you want to eat something special today?” Namjoo asked. “I’ll make anything you want today.”

“Really?”

“I owe you, remember?” Namjoo reminded.

They shopped fairly quickly because Luhan slapped a few items away from her hands a few times. Shortly after they went back to her place to start on lunch and in just a few minutes her kitchen was full of life.

“Why are you wearing a long sleeve on such a long day?” Namjoo wondered, pulling his sleeve up for the sake of not getting them wet. “If your sweat makes my kitchen smell you’re the one deodorizing it.”

When she pulled the sleeve on his left arm up the bandage around his wrist came into immediate view. Namjoo’s eyes lay on the white bandage for a few seconds, the sound of the sizzling meat on the pan quiet in her ears. As a soft silence breezed over them she looked up at him realizing he’d had it hidden all this time and she’d forgotten all about it.

Shifting his eyes away from her he pulled his arm out of her hands. Pulling a smile on she grabbed his arm again to roll his sleeve up.

“Stop. Just leave it,” he started.

“Is it embarrassing? Are you ashamed of it?” Namjoo asked working on his sleeve. “Why does it matter? It should have closed up by now so you can probably stop wearing the bandage soon.”

Even if Luhan felt embarrassed about it, she didn’t want to put him on the spot. In front of her, he didn’t have to hide. She wanted him to be comfortable even if he may not be in front of others.

“Can you check to see if the rice is ready?” Namjoo asked turning to flip the meat over.

Luhan glanced at her before turning toward the rice cooker and slowly wrapped his hand around his wrist.

“When are you going to see him again?” Luhan started.

“Who?”

“Your brother,” Luhan said, “Kai.”

“Ah…I don’t know. He hasn’t called lately.”

“Why don’t you call him?” He suggested.

Namjoo turned around to look at Luhan’s back and turned toward the stove again. “Should I? I don’t want to bother him if he’s at work with mom. I rather want him to learn a lot so he can be one of the best, you know?”

A shy smile escaped onto her face, but the moment was quickly ruined when the grease popped out at her. Letting out a shriek she shook her hand to ward the sting off.

“What? Are you ok?” Luhan asked.

She felt him push her back before reaching over to turn the stove off and replace the pan onto an unused burner.

“Is it bad?” He asked turning around. “That’s why you shouldn’t be dozing off at the stove.”

Namjoo glanced up at him and let out an exasperated breath, “Look at you trying to teach me.”

Grabbing the pan she started toward the table to slide the meat off onto their plates.

“Lets eat.” She called.

After eating and clearing up the table Namjoo left Luhan to grab the bag of his clothes from her room. He was still diligently working on the dishes when she walked into the kitchen. From the first time she met him she didn’t think he was such a person to clean up after himself, she guessed she was wrong about that. Perhaps he’d been somewhat of a neat freak before the incident with his girlfriend.

That was an amusing thought, she realized.

Walking over to turn the faucet off she grabbed his arm to pull him toward the door, “Just leave those. I’ll do them later.”

Luhan silently allowed her to drag him toward the door and letting go of him picked up his sandals to hand them to him.

“I washed your clothes,” she explained, “so don’t worry about them being dirty.”

He slightly snorted, “Good.”

When he finally left Namjoo took to finishing up the rest of the dishes before sitting down. She hadn’t taken to calling Kai because she feared she would bother him. Since Luhan had suggested it she might just do so. Anyway, she missed Kai and hearing his voice would put everything in her heart at ease. As long as he was doing well she was happy.

Kai didn’t pick up even on her second, third, and fourth try.

Perhaps he was really busy after all. The new branch in Japan would require a lot of work and Kai might have to learn a lot. Perhaps…just one more try. If he heard his phone going off he’d answer, so just one more time.

Pressing her lips together she dialed and held the phone to her ear.

Kai didn’t pick up even as she waited desperately.

“=====”

Kai opened his eyes as an open breeze swept in from through the open windows in his room. The phone was ringing again, but he couldn’t pick it up.

His body felt heavier the longer he lay on his bed, like one person without a soul. He hadn’t slept all night and hadn’t eaten all morning. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights, allowing the high sun to penetrate whatever light it could into his room. The view of the yard didn’t seem so beautiful to him anymore. The view that Namjoo had always been jealous of was just a dull scenery now.

A breath eased out of him before he closed his eyes and to his side to bury his head under a pillow.  

If he answered he’d just give Namjoo more hope. He couldn’t let them go on like this anymore.

The phone was ringing again.

It was calling out to his heavy heart, but he couldn’t find the strength to pick it up. Very soon he would be out of here and Namjoo would have to resume her life, she would have to find herself and eventually walk away from him. When he was certain she was down the road; that was when he’d turn away too. 

Pulling his arm up to block his ears he wished that Namjoo was stop calling.

And at last, everything went silent.

“=====”

Namjoo wasn’t sure how many nights she spent opening and closing the box to Kai’s gift. She hadn’t heard from him for well over two weeks now. She hadn’t expected them to be apart for this long since he was back in town. They were supposed to be spending time together, horsing around, and laughing. They were supposed to be eating together, not spending time apart like this.

On late nights when she returned from work anticipating seeing dishes prepared and set out for her, she’d hurry in from the door without taking her shoes off. To her very great disappointment, Kai hadn’t stopped by. He hadn’t come by for what felt like a while now and for once Namjoo no longer wanted to go out. She wanted to stay in her apartment and wait in case Kai might decide to surprise her.

Finally one late night evening her doorbell rang. Sitting up from where she’d been laying down on the couch in absolute silence she got to her feet. Maybe it was just Chae Yoon visiting or Aunt Jin. Calmly opening the door she felt her eyes move up before suddenly smiling so broadly she could feel her teeth popping out.

“Kai!” She exclaimed. “Why didn’t you just come in?”

“Can I….come in?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Namjoo stepped back for him, her heart drumming like crazy.

She wanted to jump into his arms as she had the first time he’d appeared to her. She’d missed the sight of him so much that she was so unexplainably happy.

Kai went no further than her living room and turned to look at her, “What were you doing?”

Letting out a shameful laugh she reached up to scratch the back of her head, “Just lazing around. Are you hungry? I’ll get you something.”

Namjoo turned to start toward the kitchen, but Kai grabbed her arm to stop her.

“I’m not hungry,” his voice was soft, coaxing.

Namjoo barely melted from the gentleness vibrating there. He was her perfection.

“Then,” she started, “do you want something to drink?”

With a short smile he shook his head, his eyes glittering with little stars.

“Oh! I have something…” Namjoo started taking a step aside, but Kai kept his grip on her arm to stop her from moving.

“It’s fine,” he assured, his warm fingers dug into her arm.

The tone of his voice was too gentle; maybe….a bit sad. Namjoo stared up at her ideal person, her insides and outside gushing in vain for him.

She wanted to hug him and hold him close.

“I’m leaving,” he quietly broke the news to her, “tomorrow.”

Namjoo felt the silence quickly kicking in. It wasn’t normal silence, but as if the pressure around her had been into some kind of vacuum leaving her with empty air. It was deathly silent and it had come too soon.

“Tomorrow?” Namjoo repeated. “So soon?”

Though she was sad, she was proud of him for coming so far; for always doing as their mother wished; for always trying to make the best of everything; and for always trying to make everyone happy.

And she always wanted to be like him for him.

She was glad…

“But it’ll be good for you,” Namjoo cheered him on. “You’ll get a lot of experience and mom and dad will be so proud of you.”

His eyes suddenly became glossy and he lowered his head to smile sadly. Namjoo stared up at him lovingly unable to catch on just yet.

He knew…he knew he was her dream, right?

She felt his hand release her arm and the pressured silence disappeared. Instead she heard the melody of their hearts pounding the air very sullenly. They were saying goodbye to each other again, but why…didn’t it feel as happy as when she’d watched him go four years ago?

Freezing in spot she stared at his dark button up that made him so handsome; her breathing evening out.

What was this feeling?

Very suddenly she felt him comb his fingers through her hair in a way he’d never done so before. They wove themselves into her hair so gently the way male leads often did to the female leads in romantic films. He’d tilt her head back very slightly and kiss her.

Namjoo felt her heart climb up to and drum against her esophagus. Its echoes filled her body up and she gulped, but her head never tilted back.

Kai’s hands rested on either side of her head, cradling her gently against his palms as if she was the most fragile thing on earth. Namjoo wanted to jump in joy, die in happiness, and swim in clouds but she remained there frozen at the new form of intimacy.

Something was pouring out of him she had yet to understand.

She felt him lean forward, pressing those pretty lips of his against her forehead ever so softly. Namjoo was enchanted. They felt like petals touching her skin and for a moment Namjoo closed her eyes to remember the way they felt.

So lovely, so endearing, so perfectly.

This was the biggest form of love she’d yearned from him.

Even if her heart drummed for her to be happy Namjoo felt something else from the touch of his lips. They’d spoken to her something he couldn’t say aloud. When he released her and dropped his hands from her head Namjoo felt the bits and pieces of their memories that made up her heart cracking.

Her heart was ripping in the slowest, most torturous way.

Afraid that he’d step away, Namjoo grasped his arm to pull him toward her, a short gasp or sob escaping her as her face brushed his shoulder. This sudden feeling of despair suddenly overcame her and she knew…she knew he was leaving without the intention of returning.

She could feel it even if he didn’t say anything.

Kai wasn’t planning to come back and this…this was goodbye.

Her stomach twisted and her heart lurched up to again. This time her esophagus felt sore from the quick pain and she gripped onto his arm even tighter, desperately. Namjoo felt her lips quiver and wanted him to kiss her head again to tell her he didn’t mean it.

Squeezing her face into contortion she felt the tears fall out.

“Don’t go,” her voice immediately cracked as she cried in an anguished manner. “Don’t go…”

Gripping even harder onto his arm, disregarding the pain she might be giving him, she dug her face into his shoulder, sobbing hysterically at once. She was losing him and she didn’t know how to plead him to stay.

Namjoo wasn’t ready for this.

Her love, her hope, her dream, her knight in shining armor, and her heart was leaving her.

All she’d had during this period of growing up, during her time in that house…all she’d lived for had been Kai alone. He was her reason for everything. He was her motivation, her drive. Without him she didn’t know what she could do. Without him by her side, without his voice, without his presence how would she be happy in times of stress?

Who would cheer her on? Who would be her pillar?

When she had to do everything on her own and when she had no one to lean on, who was she supposed to go to?

Without his supporting arms behind her, how was she supposed to make it? When all the reasons behind her smile was him alone?

“D…d…do…don’t leave,” she sobbed in agony into his shirt, her despair echoing throughout her apartment, maybe even out to the twinkling stars watching through her window.

As tears soaked his shirt she felt him wrap his arms around her, his hand at the back of her head to comfort her.

Perhaps for the very first time they were finally relaying to each other the love they couldn’t talk about; the very words never said aloud; the little things they’d always wanted to do like others; perhaps for the very first time, in that silence as she cried against him; perhaps for the very first time, they were listening to all they ever wanted to say but never could.

And their hearts broke again and again.