Luhan slept pretty well and woke up pretty early. He’d tossed and turned somewhat during the night, but by the time his eyes opened he felt really refreshed. Rubbing his eyes as he walked out of the room he started toward the couch to see Namjoo curled up on her side. Raising his head he stared at the shining sun trying to flow in through his curtains. At least it was still a tad bit dark in his home.

Turning away he pulled a carton of eggs out from the fridge and placed a pan onto the stove to start on breakfast. Once he had the stove heated up and poured the eggs he’d beat into the pan he jumped back with a loud shout when oil splattered out. Quickly turning to glance into the room to make sure he hadn’t woken Namjoo he shifted his attention back to the stove.

A second later he jumped when her phone started ringing and let out an exasperated breath. Namjoo immediately sat up and looked around for her phone before accidentally knocking it onto the ground. Bending forward fast she picked the phone up as if she’d been waiting for some kind of call all night.

“Me?” He heard her ask and turned to watch her. “Of course I’m awake. My feet? Mm…they feel better. Did you get home safe?”

Luhan listened to Namjoo lightly giggle as she lowered her head and bit onto her thumb. It really looked like she was talking to her boyfriend.

“Really? Where are you?” Namjoo questioned. “I’m not home right now. I’ll be there in an hour. Don’t go anywhere. Ok, I’ll see you then.”

Even when she hung up, a happy yet shy smile still lingered off her lips while staring down at her phone as if willing Kai to materialize. Luhan quickly turned away when Namjoo twisted her head in his direction. He let out a shout of surprise when he realized he’d burnt the omelet and reached forward to turn the stove off.

“What are you making?” Namjoo asked walking toward him while stretching her arms out.

“Nothing,” he replied and felt her peek over his shoulder on tippy toes, her chin slightly brushing his shoulder.

“That doesn’t look like nothing to me,” Namjoo commented. “Do I get to eat too?”

Luhan slightly twisted his head back to look at her and quickly turned back to the front, “I thought you were leaving?”

“Me?” Namjoo took a step back. “Why? A host should always feed his guest first thing in the morning. Don’t you know that?”

He peered at her curiously before turning away, “Then set the table.”

“Fine,” Namjoo gave in before walking toward the cupboard to look for his plates.

With her back turned to him Luhan hesitantly glanced her way, “Is your feet better?”

“All better,” Namjoo replied turning around, “I’m walking just fine, see?”

“There’s nothing to see,” he muttered underneath his breath as she walked by.

When they finally sat down to eat Namjoo flipped the omelet over repeatedly, “Why is it burnt?”

“It just is,” he told. “You eat it or you don’t.”

She frowned up at him and attacked the food with her spoon. As they finished up Namjoo joined him by the sink to wash the dishes.

“Isn’t it nice to receive help sometimes?” She asked chirpily.

Luhan peered down at her without offering an answer. Twisting her face up she turned away to continue rinsing the dishes and afterward took to cleaning up her sleeping area on the couch.

“It’s fine, just leave it,” Luhan ordered rummaging through his closet, but stubborn Namjoo didn’t quit.

Leaving her be he glanced through his disorganized closet with his coats and jackets hanging off the rack while a mess of books, an old phone, and magazines lay below that. He couldn’t really see what was beyond the dump. Turning back to make sure Namjoo wouldn’t see his disorderly closet he quickly dug around before discovering a sandal.

“I’m going to set these on your bed and you can just put them away later,” Namjoo explained from behind.

“Oh…yea sure,” he quickly replied without turning to her.

Namjoo would probably make him clean up his mess or talk to him into cleaning up the dump, which he didn’t need her to. Getting on his knees he leaned forward to quickly search for the other pair of sandal. Finally managing to pull it out from underneath an exotic magazine with a woman gazing out at him in revealing clothes he heaved a sigh of relief.

Luhan turned around just in time as Namjoo walked out from his room. Holding the sandals to her he offered, “You can wear these out.”

“Huh?” Namjoo asked merely confused for a second. “Ah…because I came in my heels? My feet aren’t that sore anymore; I think it’ll be fine.”

Luhan barely cleared his throat before reminding, “You’re going to wear your heels out in that?”

He watched her lower her head to look at the outfit she’d slept in as if she’d forgotten about it. In the end Namjoo laughed in embarrassment, suddenly warding off the awkwardness she’d felt yesterday in front of him.

“Maybe you’re right,” her brows slightly twisted together into short thought, then held out her hand for the sandals. “You know I’ll return your clothes washed, right?”

“I’ll charge you if you don’t,” Luhan joked.

Namjoo made a face at him as she started toward the door. Throwing the sandals down onto the floor she cozily slipped into them, “Thanks Luhan. I owe you.”

“Of course you do, don’t forget.”

“Should I just cook you something nice instead?” Namjoo turned around to look at him, wiggling her toes against the border of his sandals.

“Really? Ok,” Luhan nodded.

Giving him a smile Namjoo turned to pull the door open, “Later then.”

Luhan watched her head down the hall and closed the door. Retuning in he flopped down onto his couch feeling somewhat restless.

His full morning had quickly ended.

“=====”

Kai was chopping away at some vegetables for his little mix that morning. He was touched and felt special that Namjoo’s door code was his birthday. Thinking about it made him smile.

Today he just wanted to spend the day with her, all else would come after.

When the door opened he stepped out of the kitchen, but his anticipation when he saw that Namjoo was in someone else’s clothes. She though, smiled very broadly and quickly walked over.

“What this? You said you weren’t going to be here any time soon, liar,” Namjoo said and walked into the kitchen to see that he was starting on breakfast. “You’re cooking? It smells nice.”

“I think even Luhan likes her. He bought her a really expensive shirt. She’s even gone to his place more than just a few times. Namjoo says it’s because she’s teaching him how to cook, but who knows what they really do there.”

Little assumptions scourged his mind making him feel uncomfortable.

This wasn’t right, he realized, but the thoughts were there. He shouldn’t feel jealous, but the feelings were coming on strong and he hated himself so much for it. Kai didn’t want to control Namjoo. He just wanted her to be free and happy, but here he was…sunken…

“Where’d you come from?” He asked even though he probably knew the answer very well.

“I was at Luhan’s,” Namjoo explained pointing her thumb back as if he’d come with her. “He told me to rest up for the night before driving back. See?” She lifted her foot up, “He even massaged and bandaged my feet. Isn’t he a good guy like I told you?”

Kai stared at the bandages on her feet and offered her a slight smile, not well formed.

“Then,” he started, “did you already eat?”

Namjoo pressed her lips together and held her thumb and forefinger up together, “A little, but I want to eat yours too.”

“Brat.”

He listened to Namjoo laugh before heading toward her room to change and when the door to her room closed, he realized he didn’t feel very well.

Trudging back into the kitchen he picked up the knife and resumed to what he’d been doing earlier. Kai didn’t want these ill thoughts protruding in his mind. Namjoo was her own person; she was smart, an adult, and an independent. What she chose to do and what choices she made was all up to her. He had no jurisdiction to make them for her.

He was just…her brother.  

Kai couldn’t be her half…

“But that would be a pretty big embarrassment for your popular family,” Chae Yoon added very coolly as if she hadn’t meant to trigger any harm and smiled away. “Your family’s carrying so much pride; it’d really destroy all the networks you’ve built if the one person Namjoo likes is her own brother. Imagine it, even the business; friends; and partners would flock to leave you. I’m not saying she’s into you, but you know.”

He wanted to love her...he couldn’t love her…but he loved her…and that was still wrong.

Gripping onto the knife he shut his eyes for a moment of peace. Namjoo’s mother had been inviting and kind to him. How could he betray her after all these years if he just declared his feelings for Namjoo? How could he break apart two families that became one? He’d ruin what they worked to become…he’d be a criminal…

The thoughts burned…like whiskey shots spinning inside his stomach. It was like a tornado plunging through his whole, as if he was being pulled back and forth in a tug of war game.

Kai was only coming to terms with how deep he was in already. Losing Namjoo was like letting go of his life line…it was painful and he didn’t think he was ready to do it. He still wanted to be with her even if he couldn’t hold her hand or kiss her. Being around her, watching her smile and seeing her eyes twitch upon her laughs was all he lived on.

But there was so much out there for Namjoo to live on…how could he be selfish enough to take it from her? What if there was someone else who could love her more than he ever could? All he could ever do was stand some distance from her and smile for someone else.

That was all…he could ever do…

“What are you doing?!” Namjoo ran into his back playfully.

Kai felt himself jolt forward, the knife sliding into his finger. The quick sting made him open his eyes and all he felt for a moment were her hands on his arms. The fast warmth that traveled from her body to his made his heart thud a little faster.

He wanted to be with her…

Even if Namjoo was near, her voice was far away. Kai could hear apologizing and screaming about the blood before running around for a clean towel to compress the cut. When she wrapped her hand tightly around his finger he thought of how much he’d always wanted to hold her hand. The thought of how he’d been unable to made his heart yearn for it even more…and he could feel his heart rolling into the mud. It hurt and it depressed him with how he never could.

“Does it hurt? Sorry,” Namjoo apologized and lifted the towel up to make sure the blood was receding. “I’ll get some bandaid. Wait here ok?”

In his mind’s eye he could see himself wrapping an arm around her, pulling her close to his chest so that he could feel her heartbeat. And he would know how their hearts were beating as one just as it had all along. He’d known then that she was his and he was hers. Her soft hair would romantically brush his neckline as the silence closed in on them and he’d lean into her.

Instead Namjoo disappeared out of the kitchen and he felt his heart aching even more.

It would never happen; he could never be intimate with her. A part of him would forever be guilty toward their mother, their family. And he would hate himself. Even if he could love her, he’d still hate himself.

All of it hurt…it stung him.

“Does it hurt?” Namjoo asked after getting him to sit down quietly.

She was currently cleaning his cut before she would put a bandage on. The ways her eyes examined his wound, the way her brows connected together very slightly told him she was made to care for others. How lucky her boyfriend would be to have someone as amazing as this. Although Namjoo wasn’t a standout beauty, her heart was always at its greatest and she was even more beautiful because of that. How lucky her boyfriend would be to have her. And how envious he would be…

The few thoughts made him want to cry, but he only stared at her.

Namjoo…was so lovely.

“What?” Namjoo asked lifting her head up after noticing his stare. “Is there something on my face? Do I look funny?”

“No,” he softly smiled.

“Don’t lie. You’re just going to laugh at me,” Namjoo got up to walk away. “If there’s something on my face, when I come back you’re going to get it.”

He lightly chuckled and watched her disappear again.

Everything about love was on her face, but it wasn’t like he could tell her that.

After eating he went for a stroll around the street with her and they each bought a cup of coffee to sip. Along the way they even took to trying the other’s to see if it was good or not. No one paid them attention and Kai felt blessed at her side. They walked all the way underneath the warm sun to a movie rental and debated seriously about what movie to watch.

On the way back they decided to take a cab to head to the mart for some ingredients and snacks for dinner and the movie. Instead of pondering over how it would feel to be married to her like this he let himself drown into the present. Kai prayed that the night would come slowly so he could prolong his time in the day with her. The longer the day, the better it was for him.

For a while more he wanted to sink in this kind of joy. For a while more he wanted to remember how it felt walking beside Namjoo with their arms slightly brushing. He wanted to remember how it was standing beside her and seeing her laugh at their dumb jokes. He wanted to keep the picture of how her eyes flared up with stars upon her smiles. And he wanted to see her smiling inside his heart forever. He wanted to remember every part of her; the warmth she gave him even without touching him and how she made his heart throb without a slight effort, because she was that great.

Namjoo would always be his number one.     

Dinner slid by like the blink of an eye before they were on her couch watching the movie intensely. Before the movie hit its they’d already gulfed down all the snacks and Namjoo had dozed off by the end of the movie. The pillow she’d been hugging was still tightly clutched to her chest like a stuffed animal when he turned to look at her.

Kai saw the image of a child, an innocent child who had found recent happiness.

The sight made him smile before he reached out to pull the pillow from her arms. Placing it against the arm of the couch he got up to gently lay Namjoo down. Slightly bending down he brushed her hair further back behind her ear in order to get a good look at her face. His heart throbbed, but he was the happiest man alive right now.

His fingers slid down her soft cheeks and slightly brushed the corner of her lips. Withholding himself from further touching them he stood and walked over to her window to overlook the night sky. The moon was glaring in his direction as if to tell him to be careful, watch his actions. As if apologizing he stared right back at the white orb in the sky.

If the stars were listening, he wanted to tell them to help him protect his love; to make sure she was never hurt, would never be; to make sure she still smiled every single day; to make sure the right man would come along to sweep her off her feet and protect her; to make sure no one would wound her precious heart, his precious love. If the stars could hear him, he wanted to tell them to always be with her and guide her along, because she was still learning and to be patient with her. Namjoo was the kindest soul alive and if no one would protect her, at least one of the stars should hear her out when she felt she had no one left.

So please, he prayed, please bring someone along to protect her fragile heart.

“What are you looking at?” Namjoo’s sleepy voice appeared beside him.

He felt her wrap her hand over his shoulder and lean lazily against him for support.

“The moon is big tonight,” Kai commented.

“You think?” Namjoo wondered why he thought that.

Kai heard himself internally crying as he slowly realized how he should no longer let her lean on him. Namjoo had to really go down her designated path now. She couldn’t love him forever like this, because then…because then how would she ever get married and have her own family?

He couldn’t give her that.

There were consequences and neither of them would survive the weight of it. Namjoo, like him, would never harm their family. If she wouldn’t let go first, he’d have to cut their connection before it got any more serious.

Namjoo…needed her own future, not beside him but with someone else.

“Namjoo,” Kai spoke, his heart slowly shattering loudly, “I’m going to follow mom’s orders.”

He felt her head brush his arm when she turned to look up at him.

“I’m going to Japan.” 

***/crying/ It was so hard writing this chapter and the next one i~i I cried slighty writing the next chapter