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{12}

“I think I like Nichkhun.”

I knew my happiness, my embracement of love, wouldn’t last long but did it have to be so soon for her to look at her dance partner that way? I could see it days before now, I knew it would happen, but why does it feel worse than how I ever imagined it to be? It was like my heart was being thrown to the wolves, being torn apart and eaten alive, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I didn’t want to succumb to the pain but I didn’t want to stop loving Tiffany; mostly because I couldn’t stop. It hurt so badly, I couldn’t control it. When she told me that secret of hers, I wasn’t sure what to do. All I knew was that I had lost her. I regretted embracing my love; I regretted falling in love with my best friend. I couldn’t even understand anything; my mind was in a whirlwind. I was scared of losing myself to Tiffany. She was my everything, and I was losing my everything to some guy.

I’ve never met Nichkhun, I don’t know what he looks like, I’m not sure what kind of person he was, and Tiffany mistook my heartbreak for best friend protectiveness. Today she somehow managed to convince me to meet him for lunch, which was supposed to be our time. Stop it Taeyeon, it’s not like you own her or anything! But the dejection hurt nonetheless. “TaeTae, this is Nichkhun, Nichkhun this is my best friend Taeyeon.” To me, the guy wasn’t even good-looking, but then again I was bi and the girl I loved was crushing on him.

“Hey, do you guys wanna sit with us?” Including Nichkhun, other people from Tiffany’s alternative crowd sat there, like Bora. It wasn’t my kind of steam.

“I-I think I’ll just—.”

“Come on TaeTae! Sit with us, just this once!” Tiffany tugged on my arm and stared at me with those eyes of hers. I was torn. Usually, I wouldn’t deny Tiffany with that look on her face but these were the bad people. They smoked, occasionally did drugs, some of them even sold! She knew why I didn’t like them; she knew exactly why I didn’t want to be around them. I had lost family to the fumes and the number kept rising. I didn’t like these people one bit.

“Fine.” But I couldn’t just turn down Tiffany either. I confess, if I turned her down at times, I was afraid I would lose her. I didn’t want that, so I sat down with the kids I once told myself never to get involved with. They all grinned at me, excited that I was actually sitting with them, but I wasn’t quite sure why. I was still on the quieter and awkward side, no matter how much more comfortable I was getting it wasn’t enough just yet.

“I heard you’re really deep, Taeyeon. Especially in An’s class,” this girl I’ve never talked to, Jessica, caught my attention and I looked up. Do people actually talk about me?

“Um, I guess you could say that,” I shrugged awkwardly and everyone else chuckled. It was somewhat intimidating. I tried not to even breathe the same air as them.

“Tiffany always talks about how sweet and smart you are,” Bora added and I looked at my best friend, now blushing and turning away from me. My curiosity got the best of me.

“Really?” I turned back to Bora and she grinned at me.

“Oh yeah, dude, you have no idea. Twenty-four seven!” I found myself blushing heavily at Bora’s words. There are multiple occasions where I don’t think Tiff loves me anymore. I was insecure around a girl like her, even if she also had confidence issues, it was just hard not knowing how Tiffany thought of me anymore.

“Stop! You’re embarrassing me guys!” Tiffany hissed and I smiled.

“She’s always bragging about you and saying how cute you are—.”

“Yah! Shut the up do you wanna get ing beat up?!” I wasn’t used to hearing Tiffany swear so confidently but I couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t even start, Tae!”

“Sorry Hun,” I gasped after my little laughing montage and gently rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand. She calmed down a bit and I smiled.

“You’re cute when you smile, Taeyeon,” one guy named Donghae noted and I raised an eyebrow. He was the one that would date a different girl every two weeks. He wasn’t impressive to me one bit, no matter how many people said he was good looking.

“Yah, she’s mine,” Tiffany said possessively before I could even open my mouth and looped arms with me. Our hands brushing sent waves of goose bumps over my arms and I was glad I wore a jacket today. I tried not to divert my attention to our sudden skin contact.

“Hey, she’s a person, Tiff, she can make her own decisions,” Donghae insisted and I almost scoffed. I didn’t want anyone who was a player or who smoked, Tiffany was kind of the exception of the smoking part.

“I’m fine not dating anyone, thank you,” I said calmly but Tiffany still held onto my arm with hers. Not that I minded.

“Taeyeon, why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like really?” Nichkhun asked me and I shrugged. He didn’t bother me at that moment.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship, I think I give off that strong vibe,” I nodded. Plus I’m awkward as Hell, I only allow a handful of people to get arm’s distance of me, I’m either not talking or dorky, etc. Lunch was surprisingly comfortable and enjoyable. I thought I would be moping with Nichkhun right beside me but I paid barely any attention to him. I was glad.

But whenever we came back home I was down in the dumps again. At school without Tiffany by my side for most of the day I wasn’t bothered with the presence of Nichkhun. At home, where it was just Tiffany and I, she couldn’t stop talking about him. How much of a dork he was, how funny he was, how cute he was. I was used to Tiffany going gaga over boy groups or even girl groups but when she was crushing over an actual guy who went to our school and actually knew she existed, it drove me insane. I was on an edge but I was desperately holding onto it. I didn’t want to fall off and destroy everything. “He was being really…touchy and sweet yesterday night when we were all practicing and I got home and told Bora but she was convinced he likes me so she was texting him and trying to force it out of him. He got really pissed though and like flat out ignored me for the entire day today and I don’t even know what’s wrong because he’s not replying to any of my texts and just being cold to me!” My head throbbed angrily. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I felt guilty when I wasn’t. I was her friend, she divulged secrets to me, I was meant to listen to her.

“Fany-ah, can you stop talking for a moment? I need to focus on my studying,” I mumbled tiredly, blinking away so the pages of my Spanish textbook looked clearer. My head throbbed terribly.

“Sorry, sleep TaeTae. I can tell you’re about to pass out on your book,” Tiffany wrapped her arms around my neck and I leaned my head back onto her shoulder. I couldn’t go to sleep though, not when my grade was a B-. My parents and grandparents would kill me if they checked my grades.

“Five more minutes, the unit test is tomorrow and I’m like way behind,” I muttered, leaning forward until Tiffany roughly pulled me back against my chair.

“Get some freaking sleep, you look dead,” she rolled my chair back beside my bed and slapped it. “Get on.” I groaned in defiance. “Come on, let’s cuddle, you need it.” And with that I rolled myself onto the bed as Tiffany put away my chair. I laid on my stomach, feeling my bones ache with fatigue. Lately my body hasn’t been in the best condition. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, it could’ve been something physical or mental, but something was definitely wrong. Another reason for me to be stressed out. The bed shifted in weight as Tiffany came beside me and she gently rubbed my back. I didn’t realize how good it felt to have your back rubbed, especially when everything hurt. “Tae, can I ask you something?”

“Spill,” I mumbled into my pillow and she sighed.

“Should liking someone feel this bad?” No, it never should. We were suddenly back on the topic of Nichkhun. “Like…I don’t even know, it’s confusing.” It always is, Tiffany, it’s so confusing and painful. But shouldn’t you already know that?

“You just like him, it’s not that confusing,” I mindlessly said and she sighed.

“I just confuse myself then…” she told me and gently moved her hand across my back.

“Liking someone can be hard; there are too many factors that play into this kind of field…no solid definition. Just personal experience,” I told her with what strength my voice had. I closed my eyes as she massaged my right shoulder, squeezing tighter at the firmness of the muscle. I groaned slightly, my body really was hurting.

“You said you liked someone before…what was that like?” she wondered. “Since you said it was different for everyone…”

“Fany-ah, that was so long ago, I can’t even remember the guy’s name,” I confessed and she let out a soft chuckle. It was true, who was the last person I liked? Certainly, they can’t compare to the way Tiffany makes me feel. I love Tiffany, and she makes me feel all of these feelings.

“Are you aual, TaeTae? I swear, is liking someone even in your capacity?” she asked and I chuckled lowly. Trust me, I’m biual. And if I can love you this much, I’m sure I’m more than capable of liking a person. I just don’t know if I’ll ever get over you…

“I don’t have time to like someone; I’d rather just fall straight into love,” I pressed my left cheek to my pillow, so now I was facing Tiffany, but looking into her eyes made this conversation hurt a lot more than it should’ve.

 “But what if that love is unrequited?” she asked once more.

“Like what we have?” I joked and she shook my arm lazily. I pretended to smile, but it was true. I had a desperate, painful one-sided love for my best friend.

“Seriously,” she insisted and I blinked.

“I can’t take back love,” I answered and she nodded once, understanding. “I should just deal with it.” I turned my head so I wasn’t looking at her when a tear slid down my cheek. Ugh, you weakling.

“Your view of love is a little strange,” Tiffany mentioned and slid her arms around my waist. I simply shrugged. “TaeTae?”

“Hm?” I mumbled.

“Happy anniversary,” she smiled against my neck and I felt my body go rigid. Damn, I didn’t think she would remember. Yes, another year has gone by since Tiffany and I became best friends. It felt like yesterday when we randomly started talking to each other. It felt like yesterday when we said our first “I love you’s” to each other. It felt like yesterday when I noticed something was wrong with her. Wasn’t it yesterday when she said she loved me more than a friend? Or was that when I realized I was actually in love with her as well? Our best friend relationship was flashing before my very eyes.  Of course, that was all we were, but now that I felt this way about her it was difficult to say those two words. It hurt.

“Happy anniversary, Fany-ah,” I said back and she held me tighter. Whatever, love is meant to hurt. And for you, Tiffany, the pain is somewhat worth it. Thank you for staying with me these past rough two years.

*It’s been one Hell of a year with you, “Tiffany”, thank you for coming into my life. There are no words to describe how grateful I am to have you as my best friend.*