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{17}

I don’t really understand Tiffany and Nichkhun’s relationship. When it was convenient to meet up, like during their dance practices, they got along well and talked to each other a lot. They talked so often that I nearly blew up when I visited his house to pick up Tiffany. Now that she wasn’t going to his house anymore and they only had 1 class together, Tiffany said they were drifting. He was a weird guy. When Tiffany was telling me about her moments with him he sounded so funny and outgoing, honestly, I thought I could never learn to hate him. But now all he would do was ignore and avoid talking to her. I didn’t know much about him, but with all of these things Tiffany tells me I feel like he’s somewhat like me. He becomes awkward easily, he has difficulties starting conversations, and he has problems expressing his true emotions. I always consoled Tiffany by saying that he was a weird guy, that he was trouble, but I couldn’t help but feel that maybe Nichkhun and I were a little bit alike. It bothered me a bit, but I felt like I could relate to how he responded to Tiffany at times.

There were few days where Tiffany didn’t have her phone logged on to some site. As we talked I knew her mind was set on Nichkhun’s profile icon, hoping that he’d talk to her. It saddened me so much, as her best friend and as someone who loved her. She liked Nichkhun, it was evident and unavoidable, but it was so hard to watch her be rejected from just being friends with him. I don’t understand why he won’t talk to her anymore, when she’s sad it makes me sad. That’s one of the worse things about her liking him. “Fany-ah, tell me again why you like this guy…” I mumbled, watching her look back at me after staring at her phone for the past ten minutes. She sighed and set her phone down. I hate that look on your face.

“He’s funny, and he’s entertaining, and he’s cute…don’t ask me questions right now, I’m tired!” she scoffed and I rolled my eyes. Do you even like him that much? But I knew she wanted him as a friend, at least. Nichkhun was just stubborn. It made my blood boil, the way he treated her. “Even I don’t understand why it’s him.”

“You can’t control who you fall for,” I said. If I could I wouldn’t have fallen for you.

“I guess,” she mumbled and I laid beside her. I noticed how our hearts thumped that same, heart wrenching beat. “I just want to fix things between us,” she confessed.

“I know, I hope you do.” I didn’t lie, at the moment; all she wanted to do was be friends with him again. My jealousy can come after her contentment. “Has it been that long since you actually talked to him in person?” I wondered and she nodded while resting her head in my shoulder. If we weren’t talking about Nichkhun I would’ve smiled a little.

“It’s been so long, it’s so weird now. We used to talk whenever we were around each other, we used to hold hands and he used to give me piggy back rides,” she pouted and I sighed. She’s so disappointed in you, flipping Nichkhun. I wasn’t sure why he was so different now, but I understood some things about him that Tiffany couldn’t understand. I just wish I knew exactly what he wanted from her so I could give it to her. I felt our hands touch and I rubbed her palm with my thumb in order to comfort her.

“Sometimes some things just change, it’s common in any kind of relationship,” I explained and she buried her face further into my neck.

“I hate this!” she yelled but luckily it was muffled in my hair. I felt my heart ache as I listened to and felt her pain. I had a bond with Tiffany that was unlike any other bond I’ve ever had between me and another human being. It scared me but at the same time I enjoyed the feeling of understanding why she did and felt certain things.

“But you still choose to be in pain, no matter if you like him or just want to be friends with him, it’s hard to do much with a guy like Nichkhun. I’m not saying your persistence is a bad thing, I think it’s great how want to fix your relationship with him, but I don’t want you to suffer because of him,” I said and felt her lips curve upwards against my neck.

“I’ll be fine,” she mumbled. I want to believe you.

“Okay, I just worry about you sometimes,” I insisted and she giggled a little, her depressed mood washed away. I hope it’s because of my words but I never really know when it comes to your smiles.

“You don’t have to, I just want things to be normal between us again,” she squeezed my hand and I wondered who exactly she was talking about. She and I weren’t normal, at least to me, but I knew that Tiffany was focused on her relationship with Nichkhun. It hurt to acknowledge her feelings sometimes but the truth is truth.

“Just remember you can’t force people to stay in your life, staying is a choice, be thankful for the people who choose you,” I quoted from something I saw on the Internet and she grinned happily at me. She leaned her face close to mine and I ended up smiling like a dork.

“Did you choose me, TaeTae?” she wondered cutely and I pretended to think.

“Nah, I think I’ll look for someone else,” I joked and she punched my arm as I grinned back at her.

“Frigging rude,” she huffed and I stared at her cheek. To kiss or not to kiss? That is the one question that is blaring in my ears. Before things dragged out for too long I blinked, smirked, and quickly pecked her cheek. The rush was short lived but it nearly killed me. I liked the rush.

“You know I love you,” I insisted and she smiled shyly. Oh my God I just kissed her cheek! What the Hell were you thinking?! The forehead and hair were normal things I kissed on an almost daily basis; I don’t usually kiss anywhere else let alone her cheeks! My heart was racing excitedly. Oh God this rush.

“Mm, you’re still rude,” she wrapped her arms around my neck and her body touched my left side, sending goose bumps throughout my torso. “But I love you too…” she admitted and I brushed her hair back, admiring her beautiful face. I know my words don’t mean as much to you as Nichkhun’s, but I love you so much more than he does. I know you don’t like to get serious or show weakness, but I know that there is more than enough of that inside of you. I care about you and if the only way you’ll notice that is if I have to lay here and listen to how stupid this prick is, then I’ll stay.

“I’m always here for you, whenever you need me,” I said sincerely. I don’t think Tiffany gets how much I mean it when I say things like that. She doesn’t understand a lot of things, but I really will always be here for her. That’s the thing when you really love someone, romantically or friendly, you just want to do everything you can to make them happy.

“I know, and I’m always here for you when you need me,” she added and I smiled softly. I didn’t answer, but on the inside I was still flipping for joy over the fact I kissed her cheek. God they’re even softer on my lips than I imagined. Wait, what I don’t imagine this kinda stuff! I blushed a little bit. “I love him.” Oh my God what. I turned over and stared directly at her. My mind was blank but my heart was reacting, crumbling into pieces.

“In what way…?” I wanted to keep myself calm but that just shocked me. Love was a strong word, it wasn’t meant to be thrown around with. Does she already love the guy, what the Hell is happening right now?! Everyone deserves to be loved, but Nichkhun didn’t deserve to be loved by Tiffany! He’s a total with the way he’s treating her!

“As a friend, TaeTae!” she slapped my arm and I took a deep, obvious breath. My nervous heart nearly stopped beating. I didn’t realize how scared I really was for those words to come out of until I almost had a heart attack over them. But why would you even love him when all he’s done is ignore you…?

“I was just making sure! Love is a strong word!” I insisted and she smiled.

“I only like him as a guy, I love him the way I love you, as a best friend,” she explained and I know I shouldn’t have felt it, but my heart sunk. This emotional rollercoaster of a night…I had to remind myself who I was to her, I wasn’t her girlfriend, I wasn’t courting her, I was her best friend. It was almost like she was telling me to back off a little. Does she suspect? Does she know? Should I even stop this? She liked Nichkhun a lot, even if he was a jerk and wimp at heart, but it was hard to accept the fact even more so.

“I know,” I simply said. If I said any more I was afraid that all of my emotions would just pour out. This night was just wrecking my heart in all kinds of ways. Tearing it down and then taping it back up again. I thought I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore but then Hayeon knocked and called us down for dinner.

In Tiffany’s mind, is there only Nichkhun? Is there only room for one guy now? I didn’t enjoy the fact that I was on the same scale with him, no, he was even more important to her than I was. Nichkhun is the guy that she considers as a best friend with a bit of romantic feelings added in. On the other hand I was also a best friend who managed to make her fall out of love with me. I was questioning Tiffany’s use of the word “love”, how could she love Nichkhun as a friend in this fashion?! It frustrated me so much, he’s shown his true colors, but she still loves the memories they had. My jaw had locked itself as I laid in bed and Tiffany koala hugged me. I would’ve liked it if I wasn’t in such a sour mood. Luckily the lights were out. “Are you okay, TaeTae?” she whispered and I huffed in response. “You seemed happier when you kissed my cheek,” she suddenly noted and I felt my cheeks flare. Oh God don’t do this to me right now.

“Whatever, I’m just tired, let me sleep,” I turned over which made her let go of me.

“Come on, TaeTae! You can’t be mad at me; I’m your soft spot!” she whined but I did my best job in ignoring her. I didn’t look when she peered over me, I didn’t answer when she spoke, and I refused to turn as she pulled my arms. I heard my love sigh and her back pressed against mine, causing the warm feelings to flush throughout my body. “Please don’t shut me out…don’t be like him, please,” she muttered and I found myself gripping her arm without turning back. Why do you have to be so helpless all the time?

“I will never be like Nichkhun,” I managed through gritted teeth and she wrapped her arms around my waist tightly, as if I were her life line. I didn’t push her away, but I couldn’t bring myself to hold her either.

“You’re all I have, TaeTae.” Then stop making it seem like Nichkhun is.