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200% & Baby I Love You

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{14}

With all of my thinking about Tiffany I’ve neglected my own siblings. I haven’t told them anything that’s on my mind; they just know that Tiffany’s who I think about. I don’t think they know that I’m biual, but who knows? Sometimes I feel like my siblings have me totally figured out. A long time ago, when Tiffany still loved me more than a best friend, I told them about her feelings. The first thing they said was, “I knew it!” My siblings said they could “see it” when Tiffany was around but they never mentioned it to me. I wish they would’ve told me before then I would’ve had a heads up when we fought that one night which lead her to screaming at me. I learned that my siblings caught onto things a lot faster than anyone else really did. “Taeng, you’re just staring at your computer now…” Jiwoong shook my shoulder and I abruptly jumped, almost dropping my laptop.

“Oh…right,” I mumbled and turned back to my laptop. What was I even thinking about doing? I lost my train of thought.

“Oh dam-dang,” Jiwoong caught himself and I looked up. “Hope you got straight A’s Taeng, I have 2 B’s,” he mumbled and I bit my lips.

“I haven’t checked my grades in a long time, Bro, but two B’s? You know everyone’s gonna blow up,” I told him and he rubbed his forehead.

“I know, I know, and I have a playing test in Orchestra I haven’t prepared for,” he groaned and I couldn’t help but feel bad for my brother. He was stressed out, we were both stressed out; the only one who didn’t really care was Hayeon. She was the youngest and thus the one who didn’t have many expectations for her from our relatives. She was educationally free.

“Don’t worry, you’ve played for years, you’ll do just fine,” I assured him.

“Our new teacher is hardcore; the music doesn’t even make sense,” he moaned and laid across his portion of the couch.

“This is why I chose percussion, I just hit stuff, no note reading,” I smirked.

“And yet you guys have xylophones and bells,” he added and I scoffed.

“Like I’m the one that has those parts,” I mumbled and he chuckled. “I don’t read music well, you know, and since I’m the girl I choose my parts first.”

“Mm, first chair right now,” he said and I sighed. “I never wanted to play the violin.”

“I know, Mom made us learn how to play an instrument, Hayeon is an exception because she’s in choir,” I mumbled and began typing away at my forgotten lab report.

“I don’t want to be a businessman,” he added.

“And I don’t want to be a doctor, but I cannot pay for college by myself if Grandpa and Grandma don’t pay for me,” I sighed. I still hadn’t talked to my grandparents about it; honestly, they scare me. They scare me a lot because I’ve been so dependent on them to lead my life and now I can’t even fight for what I want to do.

“I don’t even know what I want, we know Hayeon isn’t going to college, we know you’re going to college, but I still don’t know what I want,” he breathed and sat up. Jiwoong is stressed out about things, especially since he was so close to graduating. It must be rough for him. “No, I don’t wanna think about it, you! You haven’t been studying as much,” he suddenly said and I smiled a little. “You’ve been hanging out with Tiffany a lot nowadays.”

“Yeah, I found out what was important to me…” I stated simply and he frowned.

“You’re not dating are you?” he asked and I laughed. If only, Jiwoong.

“No, it’s just Tiffany,” I told him but my heart was screaming to tell him the truth. It’s so hard to hide it from everyone, the fact that I’m biual and in love with my best friend. How can I say that to them? I was close with my siblings, but at the same time there were lots of things we never really understood about each other.

“I’m glad everything worked themselves out, there has to be someone that you can be who you are with,” he sighed and I felt an enormous amount of guilt weighing on my shoulders. Even my own brother makes me feel guilty.

“Jiwoong…” I muttered, but I don’t think he heard me.

“You and Tiffany are so close; it’s almost unbelievable that you’ve only known each other for 2 years,” he continued and I bit my tongue. Oh my God I was about to blurt out all of my ing secrets. Pull yourself together Taeyeon! “It’s really weird.”

“Isn’t it? We’re like polar opposites,” I agreed and he nodded while standing up. Polar opposites, yet how did I end up having these feelings for you? How did any of this even happen? “But, I’m glad things turned out this way.” To anyone else our friendship looked perfect, simple and already passed our major fighting stage, but no one else knew about this internal battle I was having with myself. To me this relationship wasn’t perfect; I don’t think it ever really was. Someone was always hurting, always in pain.

“You’re a lot more social with Tiffany and whenever you’re together it’s like you can’t stop smiling, in a way, she’s such a good influence on you,” he commented and patted my head before walking over to get water. You don’t know half of it, Jiwoong. How would you react to me being biual? To me being in love with Tiffany? Would you hold up to your word about a “free ual identity” or judge me like everyone else would? My brother was like my role model, he knew so much about music and dealt with so much stress without talking much about it even as the eldest. His opinion meant a lot to me.

“Yeah, I don’t know what I would do without her…” I said honestly and grabbed his cup to take a long drink of water. My hands and face were getting hot.

“Yah, get your own water,” he frowned and set the glass on the table. It’s hard to stop thinking about Tiffany right now, talking with Jiwoong. Heavy footsteps pounded on the ground and I looked back to see Hayeon walking into the living room.

“I hate projects, my group-mates aren’t doing anything,” Hayeon complained and looked around in the fridge. Hayeon wasn’t smart but she did enough to get good grades, her year is particularly lazy though and she ends up doing lots of work in group assignments.

“Make them work; you’re the leader aren’t you?” Jiwoong asked her, forgetting our conversation earlier. It felt relieved to stop talking about Tiffany for a minute.

“Yeah, but like, it won’t even help. They’re so self-absorbed, frigging white girls,” Hayeon complained and I snorted at her racist remark.

“Don’t you have white friends?” I asked her.

“They’re annoying too, so clingy,” she complained and I smirked. “Plus there are lots of rumors about them I don’t like.”

“Such as?” Jiwoong asked.

“Apparently some of them are lesbians.” That threw me off guard. I nearly fell off of the couch.

“What?! You believe that sort of stuff?!” our older brother scoffed and sat down in a leather seat. So much for being relaxed…

“Well they like to be flirty with each other, and apparently some of them have kissed each other. That’s at least bi isn’t it?” my little sister wondered and sat beside me.

“What does being lesbian have to do with anything?” Jiwoong sighed.

“Nothing, but lesbians are kinda bratty,” she frowned and I bit my lip.

“You can’t base your thoughts off of just your friends,” I spoke up, feeling a bit hurt after hearing that was what my little sister thought of lesbians. I was bi, but still it just didn’t feel right to let it slide.

“Well until I meet a nice lesbian, that’s how it’ll go down,” Hayeon told me and I bit my lip harder.

I wasn’t necessarily afraid of what other people thought of me if I ever came out as a biual, but I was worried about my family. Sure, my cousins and siblings and stuff were open-minded but we had many older relatives who are much more conservative. I don’t want to tell Tiffany what I feel for her because I was afraid she’d get mad or she’d leave me. I was scared with telling the truth to my family, who could become people I’d always be around but would never want me, and I was scared to tell the truth to Tiffany. I had friends but none of them were as good as Tiffany was to me. She was special, she was everything to me. I loved her more than anything, and even if she didn’t love me like she did before, I don’t think this feeling will go away for a long time. I want her to be happy with whomever and with whatever she decides. I don’t want to lose her, so it’s a little okay for me to hurt. I’m the person she talks things out with me, the person who’ll always be there to comfort her, and I can’t let my own feelings get in the way of that. I realize now that love isn’t wanting the person all of the time, that’s only a part of it, but I want what she wants if it makes her happy. So…I’ll put aside my emotions as much as I can, in order to be beside Tiffany as long as I possibly can.

“Aren’t you ever scared of losing each other?” Jiwoong asked and I looked up from my computer, blinking. “Like you and Tiffany?” he clarified and I shrugged, but honestly I was screaming a big fat “YES” in my mind. I’ve thought about losing my best friend so many times I feel like it’s taking over my memories and manipulating them. I didn’t like to think that way but I couldn’t help it.

“Sometimes,” I said simply and he sighed.

“Why do you get scared if you’re so close?” he wondered and I tilted my laptop screen. When will I ever not think about losing someone?

“There are a lot of factors in a relationship, and you know me…when I get close to someone they end up leaving…” I mumbled and cleared my throat. “So, it’s kind of natural that I worry, even with Tiffany and I.”

“I guess you’re right, but do you think you’d really drift apart from her?” he quirked an eyebrow. I looked down and stared at my feet, thinking deeply. It’s possible to drift from her, but we try to avoid that as much as possible by talking nearly every day. But now that she’s focusing on Nichkhun things might be different. Plus, if I ever become stupid and tell her I love her, there’s a possibility she’d leave.

“Under certain circumstances, we might,” I confessed and he let out a teasing grin.

“Like if she falls for you again?” my heart palpitated when he said that but I managed a weak look of disapproval. If only, but even then it’s not that simple.

“That’s not funny, Jiwoong. She’s over me now, I bet she can’t even remember what she found appealing about me,” I stood up and to fill my own glass of water, that was desperately needed. It’s probably true, what about me is there to love? Especially with a girl like Tiffany?

“To be honest you have factors that make you attractive to both guys and girls,” Hayeon interjected and my throat burned uncomfortably as I choked on my sip of water. What is she talking about?

“Yeah, it’s kind of understandable, especially if Tiffany’s so close with you. She knows everything about you,” Jiwoong added and I shook my head.

“No, she probably just…” I couldn’t find any reasons to why Tiffany liked me in that way for so long. “I don’t wanna talk about it now, why are you bringing up Tiffany anyway? You’ll see her tomorrow, ask her this stuff,” I insisted and sat back down in my grooved seat. I didn’t want to sound defensive but I’m afraid it came off that way.

“I was just wondering about how you’d be when you’ll have to stay here and Tiffany will move to Cali,” Jiwoong liked to press buttons sometimes. But this time he just slammed down on the giant red “DO NOT PUSH” one. I pressed my lips together and pulled my laptop back onto my lap.

“I’m moving to California when I’m able to, Grandpa is just talking bull,” I hissed and plugged in my headphones. Time to check out colleges; I am not giving up on Tiffany this easily.