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{16}

Insecure is an understatement, I tremble with the thoughts of Tiffany not really caring about me. I don’t want my world to revolve around her and I try to put my mind on other things but it hurts to think about it even for a second. It’s not even about Nichkhun down to the root of it; it’s if she even wants me around anymore. I know she’s tired and stressed out with Nichkhun but it’s hard to see whether she still wants me in her life or not. My stomach hurts from all of the stress and my brain is racking for answers of questions I’m too scared to ask. I wish I didn’t have any emotions whatsoever. It would be so much easier if I was just a robot. I don’t want to care so much about Tiffany; I sometimes wish that I didn’t care for her as much as I do. I want to just blurt it out and unleash all of these feelings I feel because of her, but I can’t. I love her too freaking much to do that to her. I hate the way our hearts and brains function. Why do things have to be so flipping complicated? Why am I so insecure if Tiffany tells me she loves me?

I didn’t expect Tiffany to come over to my house during the night time. That was when I was in the garage, taking my frustrations out on the leather sand bag. She wasn’t supposed to know that I was hitting a punching bag in my spare time nowadays. “Since when did you get into boxing?” Tiffany asked me after getting comfortable on the spare couch. I plopped beside her after wiping away my sweat with a towel, but I still felt hot and uncomfortable.

“I’m not boxing,” I corrected and she rolled her eyes.

“Okay, when did you get into punching then?” she rephrased her question and I chewed on my lip.

“A while now, about a month or so,” I answered and she frowned.

“How come I didn’t know about this? You shouldn’t even be overexerting yourself, no wonder you always say your body hurts!” she immediately scolded and turned me so my back faced her. I didn’t say anything when she began to massage my aching muscles.

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be upset,” I told her as she pulled me down onto her lap and had me flip over onto my stomach.

“Well of course I’m upset, your body isn’t in its greatest condition and you won’t ask your mom to take you to the doctor! No one as of now knows what’s wrong with you!” she growled in frustration before rubbing my shoulders. I haven’t been feeling well, so her massage felt good and I couldn’t help but smile a little. It also felt good since Tiffany was the one rubbing my back, it’s been a while since she’s been worried for me, but then again I usually don’t have things to worry about. “How are you today?”

“My shoulders really hurt this morning, and now I can barely move my arms,” I frowned and she sighed while massaging my shoulders a little harder. I closed my eyes and let my head rest on her legs comfortably. Maybe I should be in pain more often…

“Please go see a doctor, Tae,” she mumbled and I could imagine her pouting face in my mind. No matter how cute it looked, I knew she only made such a face and used such a voice when she was really desperate.

“I asked my mom today, she thinks it’s because of my backpack,” I responded.

“But this has been going on for weeks! If it was your backpack then wouldn’t Jiwoong and Hayeon also have pains? Something’s wrong with you, hurry up and visit a doctor!” she whined and let her hands lower themselves to the muscles right beneath my shoulder blades. The pain from this morning was slowly disappearing with her treatment.

“My mom doesn’t think my aches are a big deal; she thinks it’s because I haven’t been exercising or that I’m overthinking things,” I said softly.

“Your mom gets on my nerves sometimes, seriously what is her deal?” Tiffany scoffed. My mom liked Tiffany, but then again, I hid a lot of stuff from my parents about her. If they knew everything they probably wouldn’t enjoy her in my company either.

“She thinks her kids are invincible at times,” I chuckled sarcastically. “I feel like she thinks we can get through anything without seeing any professional.”

“I wish we were old enough to get medical attention by ourselves,” she added and I nodded in agreement. “But, please, TaeTae, just ask her again.”

“Alright, alright, I will when I have a chance,” I gave in and she kissed the back of my head. I smiled into the couch.

“Good!” she suddenly chirped and I rolled around to look at her eye smiling face. Why do you have to be so beautiful? Especially with that heart snatching smile?

“Does that make you happy or something?” I wondered and she nodded. my heart swelled with joy from her response.

“Yes, I’d be even happier, you know, if you asked her right now,” the cute little Fany came bursting out, aware that I was weak against her attacks. I blushed and held my hands up to my face, groaning.

“Not now, she’s still kinda mad at me after I came down here without a word,” I admitted and swept my fingers through my hair. The very aura of my face felt steamy after my exercise. “I confess, me and my siblings have been picking on my mom lately.”

“Shouldn’t she still be worried about her daughter’s health? I mean come on, it’s important,” Tiffany gently rubbed my stiff arm and I sighed.

“My mother’s health is more important,” I insisted and she threw her hands up in defeat. I smiled a little at her angrily flushed cheeks and exhausted expression; then even more as she let out a spur of random syllables flow from . When Tiffany got angry she often burst into unknowledgeable words until she could calm down enough to form sentences. God if you weren’t so mad at me I’d be a laughing mess right now.

“I give up! You’re too much, TaeTae!” she slapped my arm and I let out a chuckle.

“Yah! I said I’d talk to her didn’t I? Isn’t that enough?!” my voice got unknowingly louder as each fist came down. I mean, Tiffany wasn’t stronger than me on a normal day, but she wasn’t exactly weak either. “Yah, Fany-ah! Stop hitting sick people!”

“It’s your fault you get these punches! Making me worry about you, little prick,” she grumbled and folded her arms. I replayed her words in my mind and smiled widely. So you do care…A weight fell from my shoulders and my body felt a little better.

“So you’re worrying about me nowadays?” I sat up and gently poked her shoulder.

“Of course! I may not be as smooth as you are with words, but I still love you all the same! Yah, you know that right?” she nudged her elbow into my stomach and I grinned at her. It’s been such a long time since I’ve smiled so naturally and continuously with my best friend around; it felt really good.

“Of course I know.” I had to lie. I wanted to tell Tiff that I was insecure about our relationship, but that could take a bad turn and I didn’t want to risk it. At least now I know you still worry and care for me. “And you know I love you, right?” I wish I could tell you just how much I love you, but that’s going to be a talk for a day in our future. Let’s hope that I can stop being such a coward and that we last that long so I can confess to you.

“Well you better love me,” she grinned playfully and I laughed a little bit. I once told Tiffany that I didn’t really love my family as much as I loved her, she took the news happily, but she got cocky about it sometimes. Will I ever love someone else as much as I love you?

 “Wow, this is what I get for loving you huh?” I joked and she placed her hand on my shoulder, giving me that sweet fluffy feeling in my heart.

“Yup, you get my love! Which is a lot, mind you,” she wagged her finger in front of my face sassily and I childishly bit it, just because I was acting before I thought. “Yah!” she slapped my back but the pain didn’t register as I laughed out loud. I missed these moments so much. When was the last time we were just being kids with each other? Too long ago, that’s for sure. “Oh my jeez, stop laughing, you look like you’re gonna pass out!” Tiffany chortled and fell against the couch, clapping to her heart’s content. I swear I get that habit from you.

“Psh! Like you’re any better!” I fought back after regaining my breath. My chest hurt from my near death but it was a good kind of pain; it was relieving. “You’re such a weird person.”

“Hush, I know,” she grinned.

“But that’s okay, because I like weird people,” I added and she cutely pushed me over. I fell against the arm of the couch, but I didn’t mind the numb pain rushing through my back.

“There needs to be more people like you, seriously, everyone at school is so frustrating,” she frowned and I smiled a little at her cute frown. “I bet if people talked to you more often you’d have a ton of admirers.”

“Why admirers?” I raised an eyebrow and she smirked.

“Because you don’t want to be in a relationship…and both guys and girls would like you as a girlfriend,” she teased and I rolled my eyes, blushing still. I only want you, Tiffany.

“Not every girl is biual or gay, you know, Fany-ah,” I reminded her and she moved to a spot closer to me.

“I know, but you can bend just about any girl you look at,” she stated and my lips curled upward.

“You have a lot of confidence in a girl who’s not even interested in any kind of relationship,” I sighed, not feeling confident in saying that I wasn’t interested in girls…because I was, in a way.

“I’m just saying, you’re one of a kind, TaeTae,” she slipped her hand in mine and I smiled. My mind was void of all obstacles in my path; even my insecurity was taking a seat. All I knew was that right now, everything felt really good with Tiffany. Her fingers interlocked with mine and I took a deep, calming breath while my heart continued to hammer.

“I love you Tiffany,” I said with a straight face, using her given name, but she only smiled. I can’t go into details, just take this as my confession to you. I bent forward and kissed her temple softly.

“I love you too, Tae, and this is exactly why you’d be the best girlfriend in the whole world! Whatever guy that ends up with you is lucky,” she laid in between my body and the couch, resting her head on my chest so my hand could just barely pet her head. That “guy” could be you, Fany-ah. No matter how much Tiffany tells me she loves me I don’t think I’ll be at peace just yet. I know she doesn’t think like I do, but I would like to know just how much she really did love me. I know I should trust her words and accept that she does love me but I can’t. I can’t help but have a doubt.

“I’m glad you think that way, Fany-ah,” I sighed and let my hand rest on her back. I felt one of her hands settle on my right shoulder, but what surprised me was that she resumed from the massage we had stopped a while ago. Maybe she does care…