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{8}

Oh dear lord what have I done? I laid, sweating profusely in bed as I gripped my blankets tightly. My eyes were fixated on the ceiling but everything was spinning and it was hard to know what was actually happening to me. My heart was beating significantly faster than usual and this time I could feel it pounding all the way to my toes. When I read those seven words, words I wrote on my own spur of feelings, everything clicked. Everything made complete sense, all of my cravings, all of my emotions, all of it made sense. I was in love with Tiffany. I slammed my fist down on the bed and clenched my teeth so hard I felt like they would crack. This can’t be happening, it cannot. I shouldn’t be doing this to us, not now, not ever! I sat up in bed, knowing I wouldn’t be going to sleep soon, and pulled out my iPod to look through the conversations Tiffany and I had over social media. As I read, I felt my heart struggling to breathe with the contents of both of our cheesiness. Dear lord this isn’t happening. I squeezed my eyes shut and tossed my iPod on the floor. Sleep on it, just sleep.

I needed more than sleep. I needed to get myself together! I was okay with approaching Tiffany and talking to her in school, but at home I felt so nervous. This was so unlike me. Usually it was the other way around, usually I didn’t even think of loving someone in this fashion. What’s happening to me?! Everything was calm. School wasn’t that hard as it was still the beginning of the year, my grandparents, parents, and uncle were busy working while my aunt took care of Youngbae in their room, my siblings were tolerable, Tiffany and I had no more problems to discuss, the one thing that usually was calm wasn’t. It was me. I was the only one making this Hell for me and I was so angry about it. What was worse was that I was confusing myself, even if it made sense at first.

No, no don’t start being all weird right now Taeyeon. I shut my eyes tightly as Tiffany held my waist and snuggled against my back. I could feel it now, the pounding sensation of my heart and the ache to become even closer to her. I was still skeptical about love, considering I had never loved anyone before, and since there was nothing to compare these feelings to I simply let it flourish. No matter how much it killed me. She continued to nuzzle herself into my back as I kept calm; moments later my mom entered the living room and stared at us. Please don’t think suspiciously of this. I had become significantly more paranoid. “Taeyeon, stop glaring at me,” I blinked in confusion.

“Mom…that’s just my face,” I told her.

“Why the Hell is your face like that?” and Tiffany burst out laughing from behind me, causing my already red cheeks to grow even darker.

“Mom!” I whined but she had already dashed off to avoid my wrath.

“Oh my God, that’s so cute TaeTae,” Tiffany pinched my cheek and I rolled in place so I could face her. Holy cow those eyes are amazing…no! Get a grip Taeyeon! She’s probably gotten over her feelings for you! The thought brought pain into my heart.

“They’re always making fun of my face!” I complained and she smiled, letting me catch a glimpse of that awesome eye smile.

“Babe, it’s your fault you don’t smile at home and that all of your relatives are afraid of you,” she stated with a bit of a giggle.

“But I smile more!” I insisted and she patted my cheek.

“I know you do, but come on, you can be kinda scary. Your parents are afraid of getting on your bad side and you’re the third youngest of the household,” she noted and I shrugged.

“Everyone’s afraid of me when I get angry…except you,” I said and she grinned.

“That’s because you can’t get mad at me, I’m like your soft spot,” Tiffany poked my chest and my heart skipped a beat.

“Who said you were my soft spot?” I frowned and she kissed the crease of my eyebrows.

“I did,” she mumbled happily and I sighed. I couldn’t argue with her, she was my soft spot, but I don’t think Tiffany understood why she was. I glanced at the clock and noticed it was rather late, 11:10. But I continued to stare at the digital numbers, waiting for the ten to change. I’ve been making wishes at 11:11 since I was young, it was an old superstition, but I stuck with it because Tiffany said it was cute and I saw no flaws in making wishes.

“It’s 11:11, make a wish,” I mumbled. Before I could even think of what I wanted, Tiffany pulled me closer and snuggled her head deeper into my neck.

“I wish we can love each other forever!” she squealed at the thought of her wish and I froze. Oh my God this is not happening. My cheeks flared in heat and she looked up at me with a teasing grin. I wish that I could just stop feeling so weird around you.

I feel strange in my own home. I feel strange at school. I feel strange with Tiffany. I’m really scared about being in love with Tiffany. Okay, yes, I finally told myself that I’m in love with her. She was right, the more I denied it the harder the emotions affected me. It’s incredible, how the body can love anything like this so passionately. I’ve never felt something like it; literally, every part of me aches and craves for her touch and her love. In a way love is just like how everyone says it would be. When our skin meets a jolt of adrenaline takes over my veins. When she kisses me my heart stops beating for a few seconds. I’m always thinking about her, whether she’s in front of me or not. My stomach flutters at the very sight of her. But love isn’t always pleasant. It wrecks me because Tiffany had done the same thing and I freaked out. I was being a hypocrite and I hated hypocrites. This could wreck our friendship and the last thing I wanted was to lose her again. I wasn’t even sure if she still liked me or not, but I wasn’t going to take my chances. I didn’t like the feeling, but at the same time I couldn’t help but want it.

The first time I cried in Mr. An’s English class was around the beginning of second semester. He had us write down our thoughts about our choices in life for five minutes and told us to get into groups of 3-4 so we could share what we read. I was the only one who had a problem. I didn’t trust anyone in my English class, no matter how much fun I had with them, but I talked with Mr. An as an alternative. I trusted my teacher with my thoughts, though, as I started reading it out loud my eyes became watery and I couldn’t even see the page anymore. I was so different. I was not your average teenager in any way. I didn’t want what my parents or grandparents wanted. I couldn’t love who I wanted to love. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do. I wasn’t in control of anything. I cried so hard I couldn’t even speak. My peers had already left, patting my shoulder and telling me it was fine, but no one helped. It was just me and Mr. An now. “Taeyeon, you feel strongly about this topic,” Mr. An tapped his chin and I could only nod. I wiped away my eyes to see him open his mouth but the door was thrown open and we both turned.

“TaeTae! What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!” Tiffany ran over but only made it halfway across the room when Mr. An held up his hand.

“Now’s not the time, please wait outside,” he stated calmly and my best friend was too shocked to say anything. I sniffed heavily.

“F-Fany-ah, it’s fine,” I dried my eyes with the heel of my hand and she finally backed out, right outside the door. We stayed silent for a few moments.

“Taeyeon, does something related to this topic bother you?” he wondered and I nodded. “What is it?” he asked. Mr. An was patient, he let me breathe and calm down my jittery jaw so I could actually form words. I was most upset about not being able to live my life as me, but I still couldn’t say anything. “You’re not like any other teenager I’ve ever met. You…think a lot deeper than most kids your age,” he noticed and I nodded. I knew that, I’ve always known that. “I understand that your grandparents control many aspects of your life, but I want you to remember it is yours. No one can make you change that, okay?” I nodded. “Tiffany looks really worried about you, so I’ll hand you off to her. I’ll see you tomorrow, Taeyeon,” I nodded once more before grabbing my backpack and walked out of the classroom into Tiffany’s warm embrace.

“TaeTae, what happened? Oh my God, Babe, please don’t cry!” she told me and rubbed away my tears, hugging me tightly. My heart slammed against my chest, threatening to let her know, but I calmed it down and wrapped my arms around her.

“Just talking about…my personal freedom,” I mumbled into her shoulder and she sighed while rubbing my back.

“Should we go to my house then?” she wondered.

“Would that be okay…?” I asked wearily and she nodded.

“Dad’s not home today and Michelle is back at school so it’ll just be my mom bothering us,” she told me and I managed to crack a smile. “Let’s go before we miss the bus,” she smiled encouragingly and I allowed her to drag me through the halls and towards the bus stop. Tiffany knew all about my life’s hardships. She knew that I’ve been having college talks since I was in the 2^nd grade. She knew that was all they cared about, the top notch grades. She knew that I didn’t want anything they wanted, but she didn’t know all of what I wanted.

Tiffany and I stayed in her room; my eyes were now dry yet red and puffy as I laid on her bed. Her fingers gently combed through my hair, holding me against her. I wanted to avoid the topic, but Tiffany insisted on talking about it again. I’ve been silent for ten minutes. “TaeTae, we have to talk this out. You can’t cry every time you hear about it,” she reminded me and I sighed with a slight nod. “Tell me what hurts you.” Most people would just stare at the person requesting of that. Lots of people would lie or just flat out refuse to say anything. But Tiffany and I weren’t like that. We honestly exposed ourselves; we were vulnerable to each other.

“No one trusts me,” I breathed.

“I trust you,” she whispered and I shook my head.

“Not like that, I mean they don’t trust me,” I clarified and she rested her palm on my cheek. “They raised me so I wouldn’t have an opinion.”

“TaeTae, you do have an opinion. Why else would you feel this way?” she asked softly.

“And yet I can’t disobey them no matter how much I want to. I have to do what they want even when I don’t want to! They make me hate myself,” I confessed and she gripped my jaw with her fingers.

“And yet there’s nothing about you to hate,” she forced me to look into her eyes. My heart raced and right now was not the greatest time to be thinking of how much I loved Tiffany with her beautiful eyes.

“There’s a lot of things wrong with me. I can’t even be happy properly,” I muttered sadly.

“There is nothing wrong with you, and I want you to be happy; I want you to be proud of yourself like I’m proud of you. Obey them, don’t obey them, I don’t want you to regret anything. But just know I love you for you, maybe they don’t trust you, but know that I trust you, okay? Know that all it takes is one person; all you need is one person to love you, trust you, want you. So if it’s not your family, it’ll always be me,” she smiled stunningly at me and my breath nearly choked me up. I wanted to cry, but I’ve already cried a lot today.

“Only if you’ll let me love you forever, Tiffany,” I said, rather seriously, but she still beamed at me without noticing my tone of voice.

“Of course, TaeTae, I wouldn’t let you stop anyway.” Oh, you should not have said that.