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{22}

I stared at the colorfully plaid, locked book in my hands. My father went back to Oregon and told me that Yuri left this booklet for me, apparently, she left one for each of the cousins: her diary. I never knew Yuri was the kind to write down her emotions or thoughts down on paper, and it hurt my heart knowing that even if we were comfortable with each other I didn’t know much about my cousin. I guess this makes up for all of those empty years, huh Yuri-ah? I contacted my other cousins and talked to my siblings; instead of copies each of us received a section of time of Yuri’s jotted down life. I had the latest version from New Year’s to the very night she disappeared. I was tempted to skip ahead and read from the most recent entry but I contained myself and read from the beginning.

I never knew that my tanned cousin was secretly studying music composition and lyric writing. If I had known that she was interested in music, I would’ve asked her about it since she was older than me. It would’ve made us closer if we knew about her passion. As I read further I saw how she had practically ripped through pages with her pencil, exclaiming how she had gotten accepted into a university in Hawaii where she wanted to study for years. Not even half way through the pages I set the book down and covered my eyes with my sleeve, refusing to let the tears drip down my cheeks. No, no, no not again. I had a long time until summer, which was usually the next time I would see my relatives, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get another glimpse of her ever again. That painful twist of regret was apparent in my stomach and I stood up, snatched the book, and went downstairs. “Hey Taeng,” Jiwoong mumbled without looking up from his own version of Yuri’s journaling. Hayeon was also looking through hers, and she never read! It must’ve been a good read.

“Did you know Yuri thought she was adopted when she was 12?” Hayeon smirked slightly and I sighed.

“Of course she did, we practically made fun of her different appearance till the day she died,” Jiwoong muttered and a light pause made me feel nervous.

“Did you know she was actually bothered by it…?” my little sister asked and I looked at her, feeling empty. Jiwoong set down the book and looked at her. He was already finished with it.

“Did you know Yuri forced herself to become popular in high school, because she thought if you weren’t popular, high school’s a ?” he said back and glanced in my direction.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I fought and he smiled a bit before I sat down next to him. Jiwoong and Hayeon were actually quite popular in their schools; they got along well with people and talked to others easier than I did. I never really talked to anyone other than Tiffany besides small conversations with classmates, but I think the fact I never really talked made me talked about.

“How far have you gotten, Taeng?” Jiwoong wondered, pointing to my book and I sighed. Is it my turn to involve myself in this conversation?

“Did you know Yuri got accepted into the University of Hawaii under a music composition major?” I asked and Jiwoong’s eyes popped out of their sockets.

“What?! That’s the best music college in Hawaii!” he shouted and I smiled proudly with a nod. He sighed deeply and rubbed his temples. “We really know nothing about each other…” he admitted regrettably and I nodded while continuing to read the entries.

“Sunny set up a cousin’s chat online, to make sure we don’t hide anything after Yuri,” Hayeon told us and showed me the Facebook group conversation on her iPod. Maybe I’ll reveal it all later, but I have to hide first. I’m sorry I have so many secrets, but I really can’t seem to trust anyone.

“She was really sad, if I wasn’t so exhausted I wouldn’t have fallen asleep with her crying,” Jiwoong added and I nodded, still feeling her tears soaking into my skin the night before the funeral.

“They’re closer over there, it’s understandable,” I mumbled and flipped my page.

“It’s so weird; usually it’s one of the uncles…” Jiwoong muttered and I nodded. Losing someone close to your heart can’t be explained in words; it feels like you’re empty. It’s almost like you’re being exposed.

“Guess it was just her time, things happen for a reason, you know,” I sighed deeply, feeling the worry of my problems shake my heart.

“Yeah, I guess—wait! Taeyeon did you read that?!” I jumped as Hayeon screamed into my ear, making me fumble with the book in my hands and nearly dropped it.

“What?! Read what?!” I shouted in alertness and she grabbed the journal from my shaking hands, flipping the pages feverously. For some reason the sense of urgency she had frightened me; even if Hayeon freaked out over the littlest things, this felt different with Yuri’s diary.

“Here! Ji, Taeng, two words! Read that!” she pointed at a short sentence on the back of one page, written close to the bottom in small print.

“You have good eyes, what the heck,” Jiwoong stared at her and she jabbed angrily at the page.

“Read it! Read the frigging page!” she demanded and I turned my attention back to the words. I’m gay.

“What?!” I was so shocked that I threw the book into the air once Jiwoong and I screamed out loud. It clattered to the carpeted floor but my nerves wouldn’t settle down, I swung my arm out at Jiwoong who easily caught it. For a literal moment everything was quiet as I didn’t dare to breathe and felt my pulse from my wrist pounding against Jiwoong’s palm.

“Oh my God,” he breathed and a sudden wave of emotions enveloped me. We had too much in common Yuri-ah. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks and I buried my face in my hands, groaning.

“Dammit Yuri!” I barked and coughed into my palms. My heart was hammering against my chest, it was painful to breathe. I never knew…was this why you ran off Yuri? I admit myself to being very emotional, overly emotional. There are times where I end up crying and I can’t figure out why, like now. Yuri liked girls, I liked girls but why was I crying over it? But it was the second from the last, I wasn’t finished yet. I took a deep breath and pulled my hands away from my face, the wetness pooled in my hands and on the apples of my cheeks.

“The others would want to know,” Hayeon mumbled into the atmosphere and I nodded once.  

“Jiwoong, the chat,” I pointed to his laptop and he clumsily opened it up, typing away the information to be relayed to our cousins. They were going to blow up just as much, if not more, at this piece of information. I turned to the book and opened up to the final entry, two days before she was found dead.

I told myself that when I died I would give each of my cousins one of my journals. I have enough of them for each cousin, the rest will be extra. That is why, I’m only writing about this now. I fear I fell in love with someone who I’ve never even met, a girl. I don’t even know how it happened, I just started talking to her online, and then everything spiraled out of control. We’ve been talking for almost a year now, and at first I thought it was the kind of friendly love like Taeyeon had with Tiffany, but then it became obvious. This was months ago, when I found out I had romantic feelings for her. I mulled over my emotions for weeks until I confessed to her. My God, Taeng, it was better than getting accepted into UHM when she said she felt the same. All of those rainbows and unicorn feelings bubbled up and I can’t even explain to you how good it felt! I love her, Taeng, I really do. I’m sorry I haven’t told any of you guys about her, but she’s amazing. Actually, I know now what I did in hiding our relationship was the smart decision.

My immediate family should be the first to know if I feel like I’ve fallen in love with another girl. So that’s what I did. Over dinner I told them everything, from beginning to present. I knew that they would react the way they did, but a part of me hoped our family was lenient with uality. One second I was okay and the next I was so scared. I couldn’t handle the pressure to leave her or to change, I can’t do it, I can’t leave her, I can’t change. I’m sorry I can’t do it. Would you leave the person you loved with all of your heart alone? Not even romantically speaking, you care about that person, even if you know that it might be bad news, you can’t step away from them forever.

She messaged me minutes after I told her. She’s in town for a singing competition. This may be the only time we can meet in person for a long time. DEAR GOD WHAT DO I DO. OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MEETING HER AFTER A YEAR OF TALKING WITH HER. WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO. SAVE ME. And yeah. I don’t feel like dealing with my family’s . I’ll wait until it’s dark out so I can slip away.

Oh, she goes to your school Taeng. She’s in your grade and everything too. Maybe you know her. Jessica Jung?

I wasn’t talking with Tiffany, I needed my space and I’m sure she needed a break from me as well. But I had to talk to Jessica; she was possibly the last one who ever saw Yuri before she died. I bit my lips as my eyes darted towards the hallway. I felt like such a creep, watching the blonde while she moved from class to class. There’s no doubt it’s her, but she’s really lesbian?! Jessica was the last person you’d think would bend, she was that stereotypical popular girl who did everything yet was hard to touch. She didn’t date anyone, but you assumed she had all guys wrapped around her fingers. God, just go up to her and say Yuri’s name. If she’s the girl then she’ll understand, if not then you can just walk away. I looked up at the clock and saw I had 4 minutes until 5^th period. Now or never. I stood up and made my way out of the classroom, towards her locker. I felt so creepy I nearly backed out but I continued with my plan to confront the girl. As I stood behind her, I couldn’t help but feel my awkward side coming out, but I had a limited amount of time, I had to say something. “Jessica?” Oh my God I talked. She turned around and shut her locker.

“Oh, Taeyeon, need something?” she asked politely and I bit my bottom lip.

“Kwon Yuri,” I blurted out and squeezed my eyes shut. The hallway was quiet, but I heard no bell.

“What did you just say?” her voice became colder and it chilled my bones.

“Kwon Yuri,” I repeated, slower, and peered through one eye to see Jessica looking around. She put a firm hand on my shoulder and I shut my eyes again. Dear God I’m dead. At least I kissed Tiffany.

“Get a bathroom pass 15 minutes into class, we’ll talk then,” she mumbled and I opened my eyes once the force of her hand was gone. Jessica seemed different now, jittery almost. Seems like I have the right girl.