Thank you for subscribing: n0nam123, Locktaeny, kpopping24-7, TaihChan, taenychu, adriane29, taeny2012, CzartheRussian, Dandyujjang, goldenn, & dancingpasta! I'll still be using Nichkhun (no matter how awkward it is) because he fits the character in the best sense for me; don't be upset, it takes some time getting used to the news but we can manage :)

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{13}

I felt so guilty, I wanted Tiffany for myself. All I wanted to do was keep her by my side and never let her leave. I couldn’t stand it, I was so close to breaking and I didn’t want to suddenly explode during an inopportune moment. All she ever talked about was Nichkhun now. I was scared that I would lose her entirely to Nichkhun, so I’ve been taking time away from my studies to do whatever she wanted with her. My grades weren’t suffering that much so no one particularly noticed besides Tiffany, who was more than happy with me being with her. So when she wasn’t practicing her dance routine she was with me. Today, I waited outside Nichkhun’s house for my best friend after she had texted me to pick her up there. From the outside, his house was really impressive, I had to admit. It looked double storied but if I gazed down the side of his house I couldn’t tell where the structure ended. The weather was quite nice since it was spring so I didn’t mind waiting outside. For some reason, Tiffany wanted to get some fresh air; not that I didn’t mind, but she usually stayed inside. “TaeTae!” I looked back and barely had time to register a body jumping into my arms.

“Woah! Hey,” I reflexively wrapped my arms around her waist and she smiled down at me. Luckily, that eye smile hasn’t changed one bit. “Watch it, I could’ve dropped you.”

“But you didn’t, I know you’re the one that always lifts the heavy stuff in Band despite all of the guys,” she smirked and squeezed my arm as I set her down. I blushed a bit as I removed my arms from her waist. “I don’t get why you still put up with it after picking up heavy things for so many years.”

“The guys are lazy and besides, I’m stronger than any of them,” I said and she laughed while taking my hand.

“I wanna go to the park,” she tugged on my hand and I raised an eyebrow.

“The park? What’s up with you and wanting to hang outside?” I asked her but began walking her towards the park nonetheless.

“Mm, thanks to you, the park is a nice place for me now,” she said with a bright smile and I nodded as I remembered that one day we cleaned up our friendship. When the roles were switched, I wish I would’ve given you a chance. I wish I could just come out and say it. But that’s so selfish of me, you like Nichkhun. I enjoyed feeling her hand in mine, especially since she was tired and lazily leaning on me.

“Yeah, true. Plus, you’re such a kid, so you’ll have fun there,” I sighed and she punched my shoulder.

“Yah! You may seem mature on the outside, but on the inside you’re more of a child than I am!” she scoffed and I smirked. Luckily, no one we knew was walking around to hear her outburst.

“Ai, people will look at you if you talk too loudly,” I hissed and she grinned. I couldn’t help my thoughts as they ran wild; I wanted to kiss her so badly. Dear lord Taeyeon! Kiss her and you can say goodbye to everything! Hold yourself together, you have to be strong.

“Well then, they should know that Kim Taeyeon is a DORK! SHE’S A TOTAL DORK!” Tiffany shouted and I clamped my hand over while dragging her to a nearby tree, noticing we were in the park already. God, sometimes I think that she enjoys embarrassing me just because she knows I get easily uncomfortable in unexpected situations.

“Yah! I am not! Stop yelling out lies!” I whispered and she laughed, shaking her head before dragging me to a familiar swing and forcing me to sit down. There weren’t many people at the park, which surprised me, but then again this week was filled with testing for the younger grades so small kids would be cooped up studying. She settled herself down on my lap, making me hold her waist and rest my head against her back. I gently rocked the swing back and forth and closed my eyes as I relished the peace we were given. I took a deep breath; if I died right now I’d be okay with that. Everything felt so perfect, so right. I love these moments with you so much, almost as much as I love you.

“This feels nice, doesn’t it? I like being with you, TaeTae,” she mumbled and I smiled against her back. Before I could stop myself I gently pecked her shoulder blades but I was thrilled when I felt her shiver for a moment.

“Mm, I like being with you too. And I enjoy not throwing myself into homework,” I admitted and she sighed, leaning against my chest.

“Who doesn’t? What made you stop being so uptight? Not that I’m complaining,” she wondered and I hummed gently.

“I wanted to spend more time with you, I’ve been missing you a lot,” I admitted and she giggled, taking my fingers into her hand to play with them.

“I missed you too, but usually that wouldn’t stop you from studying,” she said and I took deep breaths as I felt her interlock our fingers together. My body never stopped reacting to her touches or her words. Is this punishment for kissing her back?

“I’ve been stressed lately, and talking to you makes me not stressed,” I said softly and she sighed with contentment.

“Don’t be stressed, TaeTae, we still have our adult lives to be stressed out,” she reminded me and I hummed again. My explanation was only part of the reason, but I was in fact stressed out. My grandparents haven’t stopped talking about college since two days ago when I said I wanted to go out of state for school. I didn’t want to think about my future, I wanted to be with Tiffany.

“I know, I’ll try and stop,” I offered and took my arms back as Tiffany turned around on my lap so now she was able to rest her head on my shoulder. My hands found their place and folded together on the small of her back. I wanted her as close to me as possible.

“Please do, I hate seeing you being unhealthy just because your grandparents don’t know that they can’t control your life,” she grumbled and I shushed her lightly. Politeness was a habit of mine; I tried to be respectful no matter what. “Sorry, but it’s true. They should know it’s not their life, it’s yours.”

“Fany-ah, they just want the best for me, it’s not their fault they don’t know,” I insisted and she scoffed.

“How can you even…?” she didn’t finish her question. “Seriously! You’re too passive, too obedient, you should at least say that you’re not sure about what you want as a career,” she insisted and I shrugged.

“It’s not that simple, just saying the truth,” I mumbled.

“How can it not be?” There are so many factors to telling the truth. With my grandparents, they’re the ones who provide me with everything. They give me money, they give me food, they give me praise, and they give me everything I can to survive.

“Let’s just say I can forget about going to school period if I’m not a doctor,” I said and she gripped my collar.

“Are they seriously threatening you now?” she growled and I kissed her head, finding that it relieved some of the tension.

“They said if I went to school out of state, or if I didn’t become a doctor, they wouldn’t pay for my expenses…” I confessed but I didn’t want the atmosphere to be so hot and I brushed her arm. It still didn’t help, Tiffany’s grip on my collar tightened and she sat straight up.

“Are you serious?! They said that to you?!” she shouted and I sighed, holding her arms. I felt her blood pumping throughout her body, she was so angry. Honestly I was too, I was furious with my grandparents. All they ever talk about was me going to college and that they would pay for everything I needed to be paid. Now that I knew what university wanted they won’t send me there? But if I didn’t believe I couldn’t get into college without them, how could I ever do anything without my grandparents?

“Fany-ah, it’s fine! I’ll come up with something for college; okay, I’ll work something out,” I told her calmly but that look on her face wouldn’t go away.

“It’s not fine, Tae. I know how much you hate being overworked by them; I know how much you want to make your own decisions! Now your grandparents won’t even pay for your expenses just because you want to go to California?!” she yelled and I gently rubbed her arms. I was glad there was no one else in the park; she would’ve caused a scene. “Oh my God! I need to talk to them!”          

“What?! No, no, I don’t want you to get involved with this. They already like you leave it as it is,” I insisted. If my relatives found anything to take me away from Tiffany then I would be left with no one to trust. I didn’t want them to get mad at her, they already didn’t know about her curiosity of cigarettes, I didn’t want to hide Tiffany from my otherwise overprotective family.

“Well if you’re not gonna stick up for yourself then someone has to do it,” she frowned and I laid her head back on my shoulder.

“Don’t worry, please, I’ll take care of it. They’d rather let me go out of state to college than not go to college at all. Trust me, school is for them they won’t hold me back,” I rubbed her back and she breathed hotly on my neck, sending involuntary shivers down my spine. There we go, so calm, so nice.

“How can you love them?” she mumbled into my chest and I took a deep breath.

“Easy, I don’t.”

I feel guilty for loving Tiffany when I don’t love my own family members. I am grateful for my parents and grandparents, they raised me and whatnot, but that’s different than love. That’s more of a responsibility and they kind of had to raise me. Other than that, I don’t have a reason to love them. They never gave me a reason to love them, they assumed I did and didn’t bother. But everyone has to earn their right to be loved. Since a lot of my family members don’t care to make an effort I don’t love many of them. I love my cousins and my siblings, but that was about it. It sounds bad, not loving people like my parents, but I really don’t. I don’t want to force myself to love people who don’t try to love me the way I see it.

Every time I kissed Tiffany or held her or touched her I felt guilty. I felt guilty for all of the goose bumps and shivers and soft breaths I made her have. But the urge to love her was so strong, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but enjoy knowing that she might be confused, that she might still love me, but she likes Nichkhun. The realization always hits me hard in the stomach, it aches terribly. Being flirty with Tiffany eases the pain, but then again it might add on to hers. I’m such a bad person. I knew she was still awake in my arms; she wasn’t pulling on the blanket to her side. Oh my God Taeyeon don’t do this. Spooning her wasn’t a habit, I could consciously stop myself but I didn’t. I planted soft butterfly kisses on the base of her neck and smirked at her attempt to take a calm breath. You’re an inner heart breaker aren’t you? Look at you; you’re such a bad person. My lips rested against her neck and she squirmed slightly, trying to act as if it were part of her sleeping habits. I tightened my hold around her waist a little bit, but it was enough for her to stop moving. “Good night my dear Fany-ah,” I breathed and she lazily turned over so I could see her face. It wasn’t as peaceful as when she was actually sleeping; as I was staring at her face I didn’t notice how her lips where ghostly resting on mine. They weren’t touching yet, but they were so close. As everything was swept off my mind, I laid there frozen with my eyes wide open. Who’s the heart breaker here, you or me? I felt guilty for scooting away and messing with her feelings even more than I already was.