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{41}

I glared at my iPod, inwardly screaming at it. Why isn’t she messaging me? I didn’t even confess, why is she not talking to me?! I scratched my scalp with my nails in frustration and rolled in bed. What is she doing right now? I buried my face in my hands with a groan. Obsessed. That is what you are: obsessed. I couldn’t even tell if what I felt for Tiffany was love, this was the first time my heart wavered so much. This was the first time I thought long and hard about why I loved Tiffany. I remember when my heart used to beat at the very thought of her, when it raced with her touch. I didn’t feel that anymore. I frowned and sat up against my headboard. Did I get caught up in someone who I don’t even love? I remember when that was my first worry when I realized I had feelings for my best friend, I didn’t want to get absorbed in something that wasn’t love. Did I do just that? The feelings were running away from me, what if I don’t love Tiffany in that sense?

Without talking to Tiffany, I zoned out a lot at home. I woke up at five in the morning and went out with my grandparents to go swimming. After an hour or so I would come home and simply lay in bed all day, listening to music, playing games, going online, and checking to see if Tiffany had messaged me yet. When the time came, I would go downstairs to eat dinner, and then a couple hours later I’d go to sleep to restart my cycle. Summer was quite boring without anything to do.

I walked down the stairs with a tired expression and fell on the couch. My siblings both occupied their own seats. “Hey, you’re getting up Taeng,” Jiwoong noticed and I groaned in response. I should talk to them about being in love with Tiffany…but then again am I in love with Tiffany? I felt so ready to confess everything too, now that I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t say anything! What if I wasn’t in love?! Would I just give everyone a heart attack for the fun of it?! I wanted to pound my head against the wall. Why couldn’t I make up my mind?

“I’ll be in the garage with my punching bag if you need me later, I’ll probably take a nap later and won’t come back up until dinner,” I said simply and he hummed.

“I’m leaving for college soon,” he confessed and I looked up, feeling slightly burdened at the mention of school since it had been a topic he avoided. “I’ll be gone next week…”

“You’re actually leaving me here with that beast?” I wondered, referring to our younger sister and he smiled, putting a finger to his lips. I raised an eyebrow.

“I’m heading to Berklee College of Music, you know? In Boston, a double major in contemporary writing and production as well as management or business,” he whispered and I let my jaw drop. He was actually going to go study music. This kid is crazy if he thinks he can just slip away like that.

“Weren’t you signed up for Berkeley Haas School of Business, in California?” I wondered and he smiled a little curved up smile, the tired kind of smile and I regretted asking.

“I said I was accepted to Haas, I never said I would go there. Music isn’t a stable career and it’s hard to make money off of it, but it’s my passion. I thought it’d be a phase of mine to like music this much…but that was when I was 12,” my brother leaned on his hands and his eyes looked up at the ceiling as he spoke. Can’t he look at me in the eyes when talking about something so serious? “I love our family, but I love my passion even more. I have to live without our parents and grandparents sometime, but I can’t live one day without music. I’m still going into business as well, but a more refined and specific type of business,” he grinned. Jiwoong never looked happier. I felt happy for him, but something lurked. “I’ve been quiet, finding a place to stay, money to save, things like that. I’m sharing an apartment with Hunter.”

“You’re giving our family a big test, are you sure they’ll pass?” I asked him and he chuckled softly. His gaze was in another world, he was excited.

“I honestly don’t care if they fail. Just make sure to call me.”

I laid face up on the couch in the garage, staring at the gray and cracked ceiling. My brother was a wild one. I didn’t expect him to actually go through with his path towards music, but now that I really thought about it, nothing seemed to suit him better. I wasn’t quite sure if I had a passion for music; I certainly enjoyed it much better than studying, but not enough to defy all of my elders. I didn’t hate the idea of becoming a doctor; I would still help people, but the idea wasn’t necessarily that appealing either. I’m suddenly not in the mood for some punching. I unwrapped my hands without sitting up and dumped the bandages on the floor. It was cool downstairs, but for some reason I felt the heat getting to me. My fingers and neck felt warm but I drank water to ignore it. Let’s go to sleep. I haven’t gotten much in school; it’s time to catch up. And like that I passed out.

I blinked and stretched my arms, extending my limbs over the armrests. I felt relaxed; I hadn’t had a nice nap in a very long time. I heard the door open and I glanced up, seeing my mother. “Get up, Taeyeon, Hayeon wants to go to the festival now,” she told me and I groaned. The last time I went to a festival was when I was 7 years old. I was watching one of those races where you squirt water into a hole and it moves your horse. By the time the race finished my family was gone. I can’t say how uncomfortable and intimidating it was to have strangers pushing you to the side when you didn’t even know where your family was. Five minutes later Jiwoong came running to get me and I was a bawling mess. I don’t like festivals.

“I’ll be right there.” But I had no choice but to go. I stood up and noticed I was laying on my iPod. I wanted to listen to music but I never found it. I picked it up and turned it on, seeing a message from Facebook, from Tiffany. My heart suddenly raced as I read it.

Fany: omg taetae my family suddenly decided to leave for korea i’m soo sorry i forgot and didn’t tell you L

I don’t understand why I was smiling so much, I was just simply glad she wasn’t ignoring me on purpose. Weren’t you just doubting your feelings for her now? Why are you so giddy? I typed a reply despite my doubtful heart.

Tae: It’s fine, you’re with family and stuff you don’t have to apologize xP

I sighed and rubbed my face. You little indecisive thing. Why can’t you come clean about how you feel?! Why don’t you know how you feel?! It’s been damn long enough! I walked out of the garage when my hand vibrated. I’ve never checked a message so fast in my life. Maybe my generation does rely a little too much on technology. My throat went dry as I read the contents.

Fany: my cousin’s here and I’m really scared

Fany: i feel like i’m going to pass out                

My protective nature kicked into overdrive when I saw she was scared of her cousin. What cousin could it be? What cousin? I thought back to our conversations and then remembered. About a year ago she had said something about one of her cousins in South Korea and her having a bad history. She never really told me the details but I knew it really messed with her. I know whatever he did was bad. My pulse picked up speed. God I can’t be with her when she’s so vulnerable. Dammit! “Taeyeon, let’s go!” Hayeon called excitedly but I was so not in the mood for a festival. I wanted to stay home and talk with my Tiffany but I knew that was out of the question. Dammit this stupid festival!

Tae: What why

Tae: I’m going out right now and I don’t know when I’ll be back but please just stay calm or awake or something and I’ll try and come back here as fast as I can.

I anxiously set down my device with a nervous heart and walked over to the door where the rest of my family waited. I glanced at my iPod, wondering what my best friend would say and how long I’d be gone. “Taeyeon!”

“I’m coming!” I replied a little too rudely but simply walked out of the door and slipped into the car with the rest of my family members. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t function properly when I was thinking about Tiffany. Despite her messages being conveyed over the internet I knew she was honestly afraid and with her being afraid I became afraid. I’ve had the beautiful habit of worrying lately; Tiffany just needed to add to it!  I was really afraid, so afraid for Tiffany. My mind was floating in her worries, her burdens became my burdens. I hated that about me and Tiffany. There were too many worries, too much stress. It was supposed to be summer right now; I wasn’t supposed to be hurting like this.

“Taeyeon, are you okay?” I looked up as Jiwoong put his hand on my shoulder. I could already smell the popcorn and smoke from the festival grounds as I shrugged him off.

“I’m fine.” Jiwoong was leaving for college soon; I shouldn’t surprise him with my uality or who I was in love with. I simply jumped out of the car and the minute I left I was shoved by the shoulder. Oh dear, this is why I hate festivals. I cringed and brushed off my shoulder. I literally hated being touched by so many different people, my siblings couldn’t touch me without me feeling cramped. That was one reason why Tiffany was so special to me. My father led the way through the crowd of people, pushing and invading my personal space. I felt claustrophobic all of a sudden.

“Taeyeon!” my mother shouted at me and I realized I had fallen back in the crowd, too busy being uncomfortable. I managed to push my way ahead despite that irritating shiver up my spine. I trudged behind my family, not feeling in the mood to play games or go on any rides. My parents called me a downer but I called myself a busy mind. I needed to stop thinking about Tiffany, but at the same time, she really seemed to want my help now. It only worried me more, how I couldn’t be there for her when she wanted me. I felt bad for all of the times I had to wait for Tiffany when I needed her.

“Taeng…are you that uncomfortable?” Hayeon asked me and I nodded quickly. I was lying, of course the people were too rude and close, but I just wanted to get home and check the messages on my iPod.

“Mom and Dad want to watch a concert, we have to stay here for a little more,” Jiwoong said and I groaned audibly. I would’ve dealt with it any other day but not the day where Tiffany was freaking out about her cousin. So the three of us sat in a chair and waited, staring at the empty stage where some Korean singer was supposed to perform. All I could think about was Tiffany, like my heart was playing a trick on how I couldn’t decide on how I felt. I knew I loved her but how could I waver like that? I wanted to face-palm myself so hard. I wasn’t even sure how I could think at the moment. Luckily, the singer’s stage got cancelled, and we were able to go home so I could check on my Tiffany.

I think I love you and dear God it really hurts.

To be so far away from you and yet so close.

It’s like you’re my tail.

I can chase you around all day, but I can never seem to catch you.

Even if all I want is to hold you.

I’m afraid you won’t be able to handle the truth.

Maybe you’ll be shocked.

Maybe you’ll hate me.

Maybe if I open my box, you’ll just close it without a second thought.

Maybe you don’t want my treasures.

Maybe you do accept me, for all I am.

Maybe it won’t matter.

Maybe you just might feel something similar.

My mind fills with a flood of “maybe” and I want to smash myself against a wall in pure anguish.

I feel that I can move on, I don’t have to be tied to you.

But I also feel my head spin when I think that I don’t love you, because I really do.

When you willingly start the conversation,

I’m swept into a blue of relieving sensations.

And when you comfort me as I struggle,

Some sort of security comes over me.

And when you say you cry,

I can’t hold back because it’s all for some guy.

The guy that makes my own heart burn so much.

He’s not good enough for you.

I feel that I can’t be settled unless it’s me you’re with.

That’s bad.

I’m a er for your touch but why won’t you reach out for me?

I’m clingy, aren’t I?

Have I already burdened you without even uttering a word?

I’m sorry; I’ll give you some space.