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{20}

Everyone grieves in their own ways. I preferred one out of two things: to either think it out, or to talk to Tiffany. When I think about things I can figure out solutions or become even more confused, it’s always something along those lines and it’s not like Tiffany can’t help me, but she gets tongue-tied when it comes to comforting people. She’s not used to having to deal with those kinds of people, so we just end up talking about whatever. I don’t mind, in fact, just talking to her makes me feel better, but I wanted to linger around my cousin a little bit. Yuri deserved to be talked about and besides, Tiffany once met Yuri, so she should know what happened to her as well. “Why did you leave for three days?” Tiffany asked me and I felt a sharp pang in my chest. I only just came home; the wound was still fresh and stung violently. Take it easy.

“Funeral…” I muttered and she moved closer to me. I wasn’t used to being sensitive, but I leaned my head onto Tiffany’s shoulder and took a deep, shaky breath.

“Is that why your eyes are red?” she whispered and I nodded, fighting the urge to cry even more. I know crying with Tiffany is fine, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. Who likes to cry? I sure didn’t, but there was no other way for me to release my feelings.

“Yuri got hit by a train,” I finally gulped and I felt her slender arms wrapping around my waist. My breath gently hitched as she pulled me flush against her side and her lips pressed against my head. She was hiding her initial shock by doing this. Tears dripped from my eyes but there was no force in them, I let it fall but I held myself back. I didn’t want to break.

“You have to learn to open up about this kind of stuff,” she muttered and my body shook deeper into her arms. I forced my sadness to exit my body, I didn’t want any of it left in me, I exploded frustration and exhaustion onto her shoulder as she held me tightly. All of it, Yuri, Tiffany, Nichkhun, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma, I didn’t want to think of anyone who caused me pain anymore. I needed to release it all through bitter tears and strangled cries. I hate it all. After I quieted down I pulled away from Tiffany and she handed me a box of tissues. I stared at the bed and used the tissues to wipe the remainders of my tears. It was embarrassing to cry in front of anyone, even Tiffany. “Stay here for a second,” she kissed my forehead and left me in her room. I groaned and placed the heel of my hand against my throbbing temple. The dehydration effects after a sobbing incident was something most people wouldn’t have to deal with.

“Why did you cry so much?” I asked myself. My head was hurting with the release of so many tears and I was afraid of what Tiffany was thinking. It probably didn’t matter to her it still worried me.

“Yah, sit up, you’re gonna have to,” Tiffany ordered me once she came back in and I sat up, eyeing the big brown bag she had in her hands. Oh no, she has a bag hiding what she’s holding.

“What’s in the bag?” I wondered with a hoarse voice and she grinned sheepishly.

“Look, I know this isn’t your steam, but…” she carefully pulled out a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and I felt my shoulders sag in disappointment. Alcohol isn’t the answer to everything, Tiffany.

“Fany-ah—.”

“I know! I know you hate breaking the law as the obedient little kid you are, but I’m not asking you to drink it constantly, it’ll help for now,” she insisted and handed me a green apple flavored drink. I took it and stared at the cold bottle, I glanced up at her when she sat beside me with a raspberry version of the alcohol already going down . I’ve never seen Tiffany drink before, she always talked about drinking with her sister, but it was a whole different thing seeing it in person. I grasped the bottle and took it away from her confused face.

“Don’t do this to me,” I whispered and she softened her gaze. “I can’t stand to look at you when you drink,” I told her and she smiled gently, placing one hand on her respective drink and the other wove into my hair. I enjoyed the feeling of her fingers on mine and her hand lightly massaging my scalp but I didn’t break eye contact with her. It was worrying, in the least.

“I love it when you worry about me, but I will be fine, TaeTae. I have strong alcoholic tolerance and besides I only wanted a few drinks tonight. It’s not like I’m gonna die or anything, I’m at home and I’m with you. It doesn’t hurt to just let loose for a little bit,” she assured me while somehow taking her bottle back and leaning my own drink up to my lips. It doesn’t hurt to just let loose for a bit? The alcohol content in Smirnoff Ice wasn’t that bad, about 5%, and it’s not like we were outside, in public. I was upset, I felt depressed, and was stressed out so much that my heart felt like it was being pulled tight over a drum. What the Hell. I brought the cold bottle lips up to my mouth and looked at Tiffany who was watching me, as if curious to see if I actually would drink. “You’ll be okay, trust me,” she insisted and with that I leaned my head back and took a large gulp.

The cold drink was like crisp green apples in liquid form with a bitter after taste that left a stinging sensation on my tongue. It tasted good, actually, which made it hard to feel any remorse. To be honest a lot of teenagers in my family drink at functions, the adults don’t necessarily care as long as it’s a controlled environment, but it was my choice not to drink. It’s not that bad…I had to admit it. I shouldn’t have felt so excited, but I was starting to feel a bit hyped since I was only a teen and began drinking a little bit more. I didn’t seem to be allergic to alcohol like my mom’s side of the family, including Jiwoong, so I continued to sip away my sorrows. “It’s good right?” Tiffany grinned and I nodded wordlessly. “Switch, Tae,” she said and we switched glasses. I think I was a bit too eager, but I was not expecting the taste of the raspberry flavor.

“Oh my God!” I coughed and heard the latter laughing. It was beyond sweet, I swear it wasn’t even alcohol but more like juice, except it was sweeter and thicker than juice. What the heck is she drinking?! “Give me the green apple back, I don’t like sweet things, how can you knowingly give this to me?!” I accused as she handed my original drink back.

“Well your reaction was funny, mind you,” she chuckled and downed the drink as I stared at her with a slack jaw. How can she even stand that?!

“You’re crazy,” I sighed and drank the last of the apple flavored vodka, finding it was quite refreshing. Don’t drink too much; a buzz is good enough Taeyeon. “Fany-ah, give me another one,” I set my empty glass on her desk and took the ice cold bottle Tiffany handed to me.

“Those ones are a little stronger, Michelle got it when she went to Canada last week so they’re like 7% with real vodka,” she advised and I tested a gulp. The numbing sensation became a slight sting of alcohol and it tasted as if it were lemonade mixed with soda. I saw how some people could become alcoholics now. With tasty drinks or hard hammering drinks your mind was cleared except for that mind wandering sensation. It was almost relaxing.

“Hey, I know why I’m drinking, but why are you drinking? And you better not say for fun either,” I pointed at her and she smiled a little. It was a sad smile and I found myself taking another swig of Smirnoff to ease my nerves.

“It’s just…Nichkhun.” With the mention of the Thai boy my blood suddenly bubbled in unexpected anger. Dammit, him again?! Even after a couple drinks I was doing things impulsively.

“Let’s not talk or even think about other people, okay? Let’s just drink and pretend that I won’t get drunk any time soon,” I suggested from the first idea off the top of my head which earned a laugh from Tiffany. Her laugh was loud, clapping-filled, and over dramatic but it was contagious. I couldn’t help but grin even if a little green monster was quickly eating me away.

“God, you’re so funny when you drink! Alright, let’s drink some more then, let me just grab a couple more glasses,” she patted my shoulder and left me alone in the brightening room with quite the supply of flavored alcohol and beer.

Only for tonight, I swear to You, this is the only night I’ll drink like this. I had closed my eyes and clasped my hands in order to pray properly towards the cross Tiffany had hung up on the other side of her bedroom. I was not an insanely religious person, I admit I went to church very few times, but I knew my sins and I needed forgiveness from someone who couldn’t judge me up front. I just had to confide in someone, anyone, and right now God was the only person I could talk to. I miss Yuri and my heart has been hurting for so long let me just forget it all tonight. The rush that pounded in my veins from drinking alcohol was one that I wanted to keep. When Tiffany came back I had been going on drink after drink, I was legitimately afraid that she had woken up a hidden alcoholic, but I began to slow to a stop as my brain pounded against my skull and my limbs felt like jelly. The latter hadn’t drunk as much as I had, but then again, I had stopped paying attention to how many drinks I even drank. “Yah, Tae, you’re done right? I don’t want you getting sick,” Tiffany mumbled in my ear. When did we lie down?

“Mm, done…yeah, thanks Fany-ah, you know what to do,” I lazily smiled and she grinned right back at me. Through tired eyes you still are gorgeous, Tiffany. My fingers gently caressed the outline of her face until she caught my wrist in her palm.

“What are you doing?” she asked but I didn’t really pay attention to her question. I just gazed at her pretty face and continued to run my fingertips along her jaw. You’re so beautiful, my best friend, why is it you? I sighed deeply and I felt Tiffany’s hand run across my neck to rest on my nape. “Are you okay?”

“No, not really,” I stated bluntly and she arched her eyebrows. They say a drunken man never lies, I just hope he doesn’t say everything on his mind.

“What’s wrong?” she asked and I closed my eyes. It was tiring to even keep them open. “Yah, don’t sleep yet,” she patted my cheek and I fluttered them open, smiling again once I saw her face. I want to wake up like this every day.

“School is hard, losing is hard, coping is hard,” I breathed exhaustedly and Tiffany’s fingers tangled themselves in my hair. It hurt a bit when she pulled but I found it affectionate. “Nothing seems to work, I wish I knew what to do…”

“TaeTae, you know I’ll always be here for you if you need to talk. When you’re sober, when you’re drunk, angry, sad, enlightened, and whatever emotion or condition I find you in—.” My drunken thoughts wandered away from her words; instead, they focused on the intense palpitating of my heart and the dreamy imagination of how Tiffany’s lips felt like. How can a few words from you have such an impact on me? You have no idea what you do to me, Tiffany. A sudden pain ripped through my chest as I remembered why she was drinking with me. Nichkhun. Why is it him? I tried not to get jealous, but it was hard to not scream. “Tae, what’s wrong? You’re not looking too good.” I was broken out of my thoughts and focused back on the beautiful face in front of me, which was coming closer. Why is she getting closer to me? “T-Tae…?” And then I realized I was the one leaning in.

I got so close that our foreheads bumped, our noses brushed, and I could feel the air around her lips retreat into . I got so close that my heart was practically beating against hers, and it was beating incredibly hard. I got so close, my brain was turned off and my body was doing things I wasn’t aware of. The gorgeous contours of her face were in full view. The ability to process words was lost. “I…” Don’t do it! Don’t say it Drunk Taeyeon! Don’t! Confessing to her while drunk wasn’t what I had in mind at all. Nope, I couldn’t do that, it was not a smart move. “I’m drunk.” ing great save, smartass. But to save me from my embarrassment, my drunken state decided to do something to tear our attention away. I closed the gap.