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{10}

“Taeyeon, do you have a boyfriend yet?” At first, when my relatives asked these questions I would laugh it off and say no, but now I flat out didn’t enjoy hearing that question. I really didn’t. Why did they have to assume I was heteroual? Why did they expect me to bring home a boyfriend or get married and have a husband? What if I just wanted a girlfriend, or even, a wife? The thought chilled my bones; it really scared me. What would my relatives think of me if I came out and became the only biual family member?

“Ah, no I don’t have one.” I didn’t dare say “not yet” because I wasn’t even sure if I would ever get one. Avoiding the truth was becoming my thing nowadays.

“So then is it a girlfriend?!” my older cousin, Dongwan, jumped over with a playful grin. I felt my heart stop, in fear he might actually see right through me, that I wasn’t straight, but I calmed myself down. He can’t possibly know, I haven’t told anyone and I don’t even give off that vibe!

“Of course not! Don’t joke like that,” I scoffed and hoped that no one noticed how red my cheeks were. It’s hot in this house, everyone’s cheeks are red! I moved away from my aunt and cousin to go upstairs where other cousins my age lounged around the tan leather couches. Christmas was a bittersweet holiday for my family. For the longest while it was when everyone gathered and partied and gambled until 3 in the morning. Presents and laughter was what we all looked forward to. When I was 12 years old one of my uncles passed away around Christmas time, which caused the family to wear black on Christmas Eve. Ever since, I’ve never looked at the holiday the same way. “Hey guys,” I greeted and Sunny jumped up from the couch.

“Taeng!” she grinned and hugged me tightly as I laughed.

“Yah, you didn’t bring Tiffany?” Yuri waved me over and I shook my head. They all seemed to really like her, it gave me a little peace knowing she was at least welcome.

“She has her own family to worry about, bothering her with mine wouldn’t be fair,” I joked and the tanned cousin of mine slapped my leg as I laid across her lap. To be honest I debated on bringing Tiffany along but I was afraid of how people would think and of how much more intimidating my (nearly) entire family could be. She was freaking out about Sunny’s and Yuri’s families, all of these people would cause a panic attack.

“She was cool, so unlike you too,” Sunny added and prepared to pop in our annual Christmas movie, A Cinderella Story, starring Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray. They were in their younger, fresher days during this film.

“Why?! No Sunny no!” Hyoyeon begged, causing a cousin bickering to surface. I wasn’t sure why Sunny was so attached to that movie but we haven’t spent a year without watching it on Christmas Eve. It was the cousins’ tradition and even if the majority of us hated it we still went along with Sunny. I secretly enjoyed our tradition. It unconsciously brought us together.

“Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with this family,” Yuri confessed and I chuckled.

“Same here,” I nodded and diverted my attention to the movie…as if I didn’t know it forwards and backwards.

“I feel sorry for our future spouses.” I caught noticed of Yuri’s use of a uni pronoun and looked back at my cousin. It was different when my aunts asked about boyfriends; it was like leaving a door open.

“Why? We’re amazing,” Hyoyeon rolled over into our conversation and I smirked.

“We’re all so crazy and our family’s so crazy, might as well just give up now,” Yuri sighed and turned up the volume on the TV. Giving up on Tiffany sounds so hard to do right now.

“You guys are crazy, I’m the black sheep,” I scoffed and rested my chin on my knees as I pulled them up.

“Nah, that just makes you the craziest out of all of us,” Sunny grinned and I tossed a couch pillow in her direction.

I hadn’t been online all winter break. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my feelings for Tiffany. I was young, I’ve never experienced love before, how would I suddenly know this is it? When I was smaller I used to believe that when I fall in love I’ll know that its love, but I couldn’t help but doubt my emotions. What I felt for Tiffany, what if it wasn’t love? I wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to touch her but that was just lust wasn’t it? But then if that was lust…what was love? “Taeng, are you okay?” I looked up at Sunny and nodded once.

“Just zoning out a little bit,” I mumbled.

“Don’t tell me you’re ready to pass out yet; it’s not even present time!” Yes, we still got excited for our presents as teenagers, that was something I enjoyed. My cousins may age but they never change.

“No, it’s not that, it’s just I’m doing some thinking,” I shrugged.

“Don’t think too much, you’re gonna get that frowning concentration face you always get,” Hyoyeon advised and I smiled a little while nodding. I glanced at my cousin’s phone, fighting the urge to steal it and go online. No, think this through, don’t be weak.

“What do you even think about? You space out so much now,” Yuri commented while glancing at the still resuming movie. We were about midway through it, when Sam, Hilary’s character’s, identity to be diner girl/Cinderella was revealed. I got secondhand embarrassment every time I watched it.

“Nothing important…” I told them hesitantly. They didn’t ask any more about it. For a while the movie progressed, somewhere along the lines the word “love” was used in the movie, and Hayeon appeared.

“What is love?” my younger sibling asked and all eyes fell on her. She looked up from her iPod and raised an eyebrow. “What? I don’t know, enlighten me,” she simply said and my mouth dropped. Hayeon was never one to get deep; she was usually spontaneous and funny, never serious. I don’t remember a moment where she was honestly angry at someone.

“Love…is different,” Sunny began after a moment of silence. Agreeable. “It’s different for everyone.”

“There’s no concrete definition of love because it varies between people,” Hyoyeon added. “Lots of people would describe it as sweet and fluffy.” That’s…also agreeable. Tiffany was a sweet and fluffy girl; she enjoyed skin ship and being cute. It made me feel fluffy.

“But it could also be painful as eff,” Yuri contributed and I placed a hand over my heart. “Hey, Taeng, what’s love? You’re good at this kinda stuff,” the taller cousin kicked my thigh and I furrowed my eyebrows. What is love?

“Love is like math…” I muttered.

“Ew, don’t continue,” Hayeon scrunched up her face and I flicked her head.

“Listen, I think I got it,” I told her, making sense of what I just said in my own mind. “Some people find it easy, others find it hard, and some take one look at it and decide it’s too confusing to even try. But in the end everyone needs to figure out the problem and figuring it out is where you get to test it. Of course, no one knows the answer straight away, love and math are things that we’re taught. It doesn’t come naturally. If there’s someone that can come by and have it all make sense…then you should hold onto them,” I smiled gently and felt my heart soar as Tiffany came to mind. Okay, maybe this is love…

“Woah, snaps for Taeng,” Hyoyeon grinned and I rolled my eyes.

“Getting all deep now, can’t wait until you fall in love,” Yuri chuckled and I blushed. Too late Yul.

“Oh my God! Shut up you guys she’s ranting to him!” Sunny threw her arms in the air and stared at the screen as if her neck was hardwired to face that direction.

“Why do we watch this movie every year? Or better yet, why do you force us to watch this movie every year?” Hyoyeon wondered, poking away at her phone.

“Because have you seen them now? Duff is like 26, married, and has a child while Murray’s 32, has been engaged, married, divorced, engaged, and broken up again! This movie was before their present, it was when they were pure and unattached form gossip. If anything this was the time where they could play any role they wanted and have anyone believe it was true. Didn’t we believe they were a couple at a young age?” Sunny suddenly questioned and leaned back on her palms.

“Yeah, true,” I agreed.

“Exactly, I like this movie because it reminds us of when we were little,” she grinned happily. “I miss the simplicity.” We all watched the movie without anther word.

Before opening presents my family never failed to pray for at least a half hour. My mom never even met my dad’s parents; they passed away when he was young. There were also two uncles as well as an aunt who died in their youth. Thus, we took a little bit of our time to pray for them. Usually I was absorbed in prayers, but tonight I was guilty for missing Tiffany. For the first five minutes only my mouth was focused on my dead relatives. I felt my heart ache as I couldn’t stop thinking about Tiffany, whom I loved with everything I had. I bent my head so I faced the floor and noticed a lone tear drop. Grandma, Grandpa, please forgive me and my selfish wishes. I hope you don’t hate me for being a biual, but you have dozens of other grandchildren to live up to your expectations. I’m not the only one that has to be a mold am I? I shook my head and continued with our prayers. I can’t stop myself, no matter how hard I try, it’s Tiffany. I am a bad person for feeling this way about my best friend who I rejected months ago…I’m a hypocrite. Please forgive me. I wasn’t that religious, but I believed my grandparents could hear me. I needed forgiveness from someone and I couldn’t tell anyone around me my dark secret. Please make this love go easy on me. It hurts.

I never really disliked presents nor loved them. Since we’re getting older I was just thankful, but I didn’t necessarily care if I even got any or not. My cousins, siblings, nephews, and nieces all liked presents though. Everyone else enjoyed receiving gifts, whereas I would prefer to give one. I always thought of other people’s happiness before mine. I believed it to be fine, but some people would call me a pushover. I ignored the nickname and just enjoyed seeing everyone get so excited over their boxes. Once gift opening was done the teenagers dragged our bags upstairs and set them along the wall or couch. It was a minute to midnight; I had to stay awake a little longer. I noticed Hyoyeon had left her phone alone and I bit my lip. Oh it. “Hyo! Can I go on your phone for a sec?” I asked and she popped out from a room.

“Go ahead, but don’t take forever like Sunny does,” she advised and I snatched her phone. I’m so weak. I hurriedly logged into my account at 12:01, Christmas morning, and noticed Tiffany had already been offline since midnight. ! Missed her by a minute! But I noticed her message that she sent before getting offline. I clicked on my inbox and felt my heart flutter.

“I miss you TaeTae…merry Christmas and I love you <3” I mindlessly typed a reply.

“Miss you too, merry Christmas Hun, and I love you too :) <3” I didn’t hesitate to log out and stand up to greet everyone a merry Christmas. Aish, coming first before my family who’s right beside me? Tiffany, the things you make me feel.