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{26}

I didn’t like going on vacation during school days for two reasons: I had to make up for homework and I could only do so much to keep talking to Tiffany. Jiwoong had a phone since he was leaving the house soon so I was using it to call my best friend since I was too lazy to reach my laptop. I preferred hearing someone’s voice when we talked anyway. I wanted to talk to Tiffany all of the time, and besides, something was wrong. She’s been acting strangely, quiet and gloomy, it worried me a lot. As her best friend and someone who was in love with her I didn’t like seeing her be down. She didn’t say anything about her behavior and I was afraid that she was in one of her depressed bouts again. So I called her and was greeted with another day of moping Fany. I tried to strike up a lighter conversation, but there was no doubt that she wasn’t in the mood. Gosh I’m tired of hearing you be sad. “Tell me what’s up, and don’t tell me that “I’m fine” bull, I know something has been wrong with you these past few days,” I said sternly and she sighed deeply. Knew it.

“I hate how you can always tell,” she grumbled and I smiled, holding the phone in my hand as I plopped down in a bed in one of my aunt’s rooms. Everyone else was already asleep, the only light provided was by the lamp on the nightstand. I didn’t really want this room, but I took it so Hayeon didn’t have to. She took a deep breath before continuing.

“I think I’m done with Nichkhun,” she told me and I sat up straight. Done with Nichkhun? It’s been about a half a year since she befriended, fell for, drifted from, and had determinate feelings to get back the Thai boy. Is she already giving up on him? With what he’s done so far I can’t wait to hear how she finally realized keeping him was bad news.

“Why?” I asked her and she sighed.

“Because we’ve been going through a really rough time; we haven’t talked in three days and the last time we talked he was being an so I said I was done with him and he told his friend that he didn’t care if we never talked again,” she mumbled and I sat in the chair, rubbing my forehead. This guy, seriously. Whenever I heard of Nichkhun’s name it was always for the wrong reasons. Of course, I love Tiffany, and so hearing this news was not all that bad but I’m not saying it was good either. I didn’t want her to be miserable, but then again the smartass in me knew that I was right about Nichkhun being a bad decision. I bit my tongue though.

“So, you’re just not gonna try with him anymore?” I raised an eyebrow even if she couldn’t see it.

“Nope, I’m done with him,” she said stiffly and I exhaled out of my mouth. I fell silent for a while, trying to come up with a way to respond without sounding too incredibly glad or upset.

“And you’re okay with that?” I decided on saying.

“Not really, but you know, what can I do? If he doesn’t want to talk to me then I won’t talk to him,” she stated rather calmly. Since we were only conversing through the phone I couldn’t see her face, I couldn’t tell what kind of expression she might have. I only knew the sound of her voice and it bothered me a little. I don’t get how other teenagers can handle no face to face contact when having a conversation with someone. “I just don’t want to deal with him anymore; he makes me more unhappy than happy now.” When I heard her tell me that my heart panged agonizingly inside of my chest. I let her be with him because being with Nichkhun made her happy; I never knew he was secretly hurting her for such a long time. I felt like crying, but if Tiffany wasn’t, why should I? I quickly dabbed my burning eyes.

“I thought he was a nice guy at first…” I muttered and she scoffed.

“Yeah same, apparently I annoyed him too because I kept messaging him every day,” she continued and I tightened my empty hand into a fist. This kid doesn’t even understand! God, why is he making me so angry?! Tiffany only worried about the guy, she only cared and wanted to help him, she shouldn’t be treated in such a way! She didn’t deserve to be ignored and hurt when she only had good intentions. I took a few minutes to silently calm myself down before opening my mouth.

“I don’t even know what to say about this guy anymore,” I confessed.

“Me neither, but to be honest, I’m in a way relieved.” It must’ve been a little weird for her to say that because she laughed a bit. I smiled gratefully at her surprisingly light attitude.

“Technically it’s kind of like getting rid of baggage,” I said and she hummed.

“Yeah, he may never talk to me again, but oddly I’m okay with that. He made me pretty miserable,” she sighed and that previous heartache returned.

“I’m sorry he made you feel that way,” I apologized sincerely.

“It’s not your fault, don’t worry,” she insisted and I could imagine that tiny sad-like smile on her pretty face.

“But still, I care about you; I don’t want you to feel that way,” I said softly, feeling, for some reason, insecure for saying it out loud. I think she noticed it too because she started giggling again. Don’t worry Tiffany; I’ll try my best to make sure that you don’t have to feel that way about anyone ever again.

“I know you do, and I love you, ‘kay?” she said confidently and I smiled to myself. If only you knew.

 “I love you too, I’m sorry I can’t be there with you right now,” I apologized again.

“It’s okay; I know you’re with family,” she sighed and I glanced at the clock. It was almost 11, I still had church tomorrow morning.

“I’m glad you’re not in like some sort of depressed mode right now,” I admitted and she snorted.

“Same, it kinda surprises me too, but I feel like it’s better to let him loose,” she mumbled and I nervously glanced at the clock again.

“I have mass at 7:30, Fany-ah, as much as I hate to I have to go to sleep now but I’ll talk to you when I’m free,” I told her and she huffed playfully while I smiled.

“It’s fine, good night Babe, I love you,” she cooed and I grinned even harder.

“Night Hun, love you too,” I chuckled and hung up. But I was still wide awake, I was overcome with something. I hated to say it was joy but it was. The relief of hearing that Nichkhun was out of the picture was taking over my whole body, it was the best news I could ever hear! I hopped off of the bed and took a seat at the desk that reached up to my stomach. I through the diary and stared at the panorama picture of nearly every member of our interlocked family. I smiled at the many faces and my eyes lingered on a certain girl, sticking up than the average height of our family. I smiled a bit and took a deep breath. “What do I do with her, Yuri?” I wondered and flipped open to a random page. My eyes locked on a certain sentence and the pounding in my heart increased.

I mulled over my emotions for weeks until I confessed to her.

I didn’t hate going to church, but I didn’t love it either. It was just something I kinda had to do, I had no say, and it’s not like I’m gonna change my religion or anything. I stood in between Sunny and Hyoyeon; their families had also met up for morning mass. The sky was bright out since it was nearing summer and it cast a warm glow inside of the beautiful church. I thought it was going to be another service, when my eyes latched onto these two girls that ran inside and sat in front of us. Their arms were looped and the shorter girl rested her head on the other’s shoulder. I raised my eyebrow. It’s all fun and games until one of them falls for the other…how am I going to go along with what Yuri wants me to do? I had to stare at the pair even more because they were right in front of me. I felt bad for the two of them, friends until something complicated happens. All of a sudden before I could even understand what was happening the two of them moved closer and then they just kissed. They. Kissed. My jaw dropped a little in shock when I saw how they smiled at each other. The two of them couldn’t be much older than us, probably still in high school even. I’ve never actually seen a same couple in person before, oddly. It surprised me a little. “Hey, it’s rude to stare,” Sunny whispered and I turned to her.

“Did you see that?!” I hissed and she shook her head slowly. I gestured to the two of them in front of me and then I realized how awkward it would be to show kissing with my hands. I waited until everyone was allowed to stand and talk amongst each other to drag out my two cousins into the hallway.

“What’s your deal?” Hyoyeon asked and straightened out her jacket.

“The girls in front of us were kissing! Didn’t you see that?!” I looked at them and they just stared at me blankly.

“Wow, Taeyeon, I thought you were already a ert, this is a whole other level—.”

“Oh my God Sunny no! I’ve just never seen a homoual couple in real life before…” I told them and they tilted their heads.

“Really? Jessica isn’t in another relationship yet?” Jiwoong told them about Yuri and I added in the details of her girlfriend. I felt kind of offended that my cousins would even think Jessica would get over our cousin so easily. Don’t you think love lasts longer than that?

“No, she’s not. I always hear these things about same- couples, but it’s different to see one in person,” I tilted my head. I was just so shocked. I’ve never been so thrown off before, it was really weird.

“It’s not that bad, actually it’s really refreshing. Plus they were both cute and they’re a good looking couple,” Sunny shrugged and for some reason I felt my heart grow.

“Mm, let’s head back to the pew. We can’t miss too much,” Hyoyeon reminded and the three of us turned back. If those two can show up together as lovers, why can’t I do that with Tiffany? I smiled to myself.

I sat down in the green grass, in a circle with my cousins and siblings around Yuri’s grave. The sun beat down on my back, burning the fabric and my skin as I leaned back onto my palms. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. It was a beautiful day, it couldn’t get any better. “Feels nice, Yuri would’ve liked the sun,” Hyukjun mumbled, in his husky-like voice similar to his sister’s. I didn’t really know what he was thinking, but he must’ve missed his sister. The rest of us hummed in agreement with his statement.

“She liked warm weather, but then again we all do,” Hyoyeon sighed.

“Mm, Yuri also liked rainbows,” Eunkyu stated not-so discreetly and we all chortled. I couldn’t help but grin a little bit.

“Rainbows are nice,” Sunny chuckled and I shook my head with a sigh. Maybe it was a little funny…

“How much time do we have left?” Mingu wondered and I checked my iPod.

“Five minutes, the adults can’t handle it any more than that,” I replied and we all breathed in sync.

“They shouldn’t be sad anymore; Yuri did everything she needed to achieve a full life,” Jiwoong mumbled.

“But then again what makes life full?” Jinkyu inquired and I lay on my back. The grass wasn’t wet, but it wasn’t extremely dry. I liked lying on grass at this time.

“She had everything she could’ve wanted, education, music, popularity, sports, a happy relationship. Yuri was on top of her game,” Hayeon noted. There was no doubt, out of all the cousins, Yuri was the best all-rounder. She could try anything one time and be great at it. It’s kind of weird, how her parents were so proud, and yet when they found out she was lesbian they turned their backs. There’s always a price to pay when you like rainbows.