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{23}

I looked from my book to the clock and noticed that it had finally been 15 minutes since class started. My fingers wriggled on their own and as I stood my legs felt like jelly, about to collapse on me at any second. I was so nervous. Jessica, a girl I’ve barely talked to, probably understood and knew Yuri, my own cousin, better than anyone else on the face of the planet. She was probably the last person to see Yuri alive, that is, if they actually met up. After getting the pass from my teacher I quickly went out into the hall, looking around as I walked to the bathroom. I pushed open the door and was immediately yanked inside. “Woah!”

“Be quiet, we don’t want anyone else to hear,” Jessica reminded me and I felt my jaw harden in order to be quiet. The latter leaned against the door and took a big breath. “How do you know Yuri?” she asked softly and I sensed a bit of vulnerability in her voice.

“I’m her cousin,” I replied and the blonde closed her eyes. She leaned her head back and took another deep breath. The actions were familiar to me; it’s what I do when I really don’t want to cry.

“I never meant, to fall in love with your cousin,” she began, her voice slightly shaking in the process. If I ever talked about loving Tiffany, would I sound that hurt and that afraid? “Our families are Catholic, there was no way they’d accept us, but it just happened. And now, she’s not even here because of it.”

“So you do know she’s dead,” I noted and she gave a slight nod.

“How could I not know? Even states apart I always felt like she was here and I was there, but to witness it all in person, is something else,” she kicked the tiles and I felt my heart beating faster.

“You saw her get hit by the train?” I asked and Jessica gulped, let one tear drop, and nodded again. To hear that Yuri died was completely different than seeing Yuri die. What if I saw Tiffany getting hit by a train? The pain she must’ve felt, the thought made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Not only did I witness Yuri’s death…but I was the cause of it,” she was crying and yet made no sound. What if I end up like Yuri? What if I end up dying because I can’t be with who I want to be with? I gently put my hand on her shoulder.

“You know it’s not your fault she died,” I insisted and she shook her head.

“It is my fault she’s gone. I’m the one that pushed her onto the tracks.”

I popped my eyes open so wide they dried up. My bones felt brittle and I took a step away. Jessica killed my cousin. Jessica killed Yuri?! It didn’t make sense. They were in love, they loved each other, and she pushed her into the train? I opened my mouth to yell, to scream, to cry but I couldn’t even form any words. “I really did love her, I still do. When I finally met Yuri in person I thought it would be the best day of my life. When we met each other we had been long distance dating for 7 months and knew each other for a little over a year. It’s a long time for teenagers; I don’t want you to think I don’t care about your cousin, because she means the world to me,” she muttered and I held back what I had to say by clenching my fist. She actually cares.

“You killed my cousin?” Okay I can’t really hold back. But I wish I just kept quiet because then Jessica started to sob. Immediately panic flew through my veins. Yuri wasn’t with us, but she wouldn’t like me making the girl she loved and trusted with all her heart cry would she? Out of pure confusion and impulse I pulled her away from the door and placed my arms around her. I didn’t like hugs, but sometimes people just need one. With the person you loved dead, a hug was desperately needed. I was glad when Jessica hugged back, burying her head in my shoulder, I liked feeling needed, until Tiffany magically stepped in and stared at me straight in the eyes. Are you flipping kidding me, out of all times, she has to use the bathroom now?! Avoiding Tiffany never felt good, especially with that death glare she gave me. If eyes could shoot lasers I would be joining Yuri. I focused my gaze on the ground and tried my best to hide Jessica’s identity from Tiffany. It felt like eternity, the amount of time the latter took to go from the door to one of the stalls. The thick air was so uncomfortable, until she finally stepped into a stall. I was slightly shocked that Tiffany didn’t shove me or something. Jessica pulled back from my arms and looked nervous again.

“Tiffany?” she mouthed and I nodded stiffly. She then gestured with her head towards the door and we slipped out of the bathroom. Obviously, no one else knows about her online romance. Coming out from the bathroom made me feel less suffocated. “Can I, explain everything after school? Our teachers will get suspicious if we stay out too long,” Jessica said to me and I nodded. Oh damn, but Tiffany might recognize her clothes since they hang out more nowadays! I didn’t want it to be totally awkward when I was suddenly hanging out with Jessica and ignoring Tiffany. I slipped off my jacket and handed it to her.

“Wear it, so I can recognize you easier,” I reasoned but she didn’t argue and just slipped it on. Without another word we separated ways and went back to class.

After Mr. An’s English class I purposely packed my backpack slower so Tiffany would leave without me. I glanced over out the window and saw her talking with Jessica. It felt like I was having an affair or something, the way I felt nervous when two friends were only having a normal conversation. The next time I glanced out the window I saw Tiffany had finally left and I quickly made my way out to see Jessica. She stood straighter when I approached her; I’ve never seen so many people looking in my direction before. Everyone seemed so awestruck that we were even looking at each other. “Uh, wanna go somewhere else? We don’t have to talk for long,” Jessica said and I looked around.

“How about the bleachers?” No one besides the track team went there this time of year and they’d be practicing. It was the perfect place to talk about something no one else should hear.

“Sure,” she nodded and the two of us dragged our tired selves towards the field and climbed up the steel steps, resting close to the top. Because our backpacks were heavy we set them down and I sighed deeply.

“I can only stay for twenty minutes, I take the bus,” I added.

“Fine, I can tell you anything you want to know about Yuri,” she stated confidently and I quirked an eyebrow. The content of their conversations must’ve been very detailed, there’s no one I can say that about anyone, even Tiffany. I thought for a minute, Jessica said that she was the reason Yuri was dead, but did I really want to know her ending right now?

“Do you know how Yuri ended up, falling for you?” I wondered and she grinned sheepishly. I watched her expressions, noticing the pink cheeks and shuffling hands. Just thinking about my cousin makes her giddy. I couldn’t help but feel envious of the love they had.

“Well, we talked a lot about serious stuff in the beginning. We got to know the deep stuff and at the same time we were just natural talking to each other, it was the connection we’ve never had with anyone else. I knew I loved your cousin, at that moment I thought it was only as a friend, but she’s kind of a flirt and she kept on teasing me…even if she was a girl I felt like she wanted me. Being popular made it hard to tell if others liked me and not my image, you know? So, neither of us stopped fueling the fire, and as it became bigger we just ended up falling in love. I don’t think she really cared about uality, I thought I cared, and then she just tore down that wall separating genders. I can’t tell you why or how she fell in love with me, it’s like I tricked her into it, but I know that the feeling was mutual,” she told me. Her whole expression brightened up when she talked about Yuri, it was inspiring. Do people in love look like that? Do I look like that when I talk about Tiffany?

“Was Yuri good to you?” I wondered with my head on my palms and Jessica grinned even more.

“Maybe it was because we were already apart, but there was something that made our relationship strong. She always thought of me, sent me pictures, helped me with my problems, and was probably ten times better than any guy I could’ve dated. Your cousin was just the best partner anyone could’ve had. It’s like…I tricked her or something, I still can’t figure out why she loved me so much. I don’t know why she was so caring…” Jessica sighed and curled her knees up to her face. Her eyes brimmed with tears and I stared.

“What happened, the day Yuri passed?” I questioned and the latter took a shaky breath. She didn’t respond immediately, she continued to breathe deeply, until she seemed to pull herself together.

“We met in downtown, where the hotel I was staying at was close to. And for the first five minutes of seeing each other in person for the first time we hugged. Coming out is hard, it’s really hard, and she just experienced what no person in the closet wants to go through. So I understood when she asked me if she could walk around for a minute. Ten minutes later she came running back with a bottle of 100-proof vodka.” I widened my eyes; that was a big load of alcohol. Like…50% alcohol per volume! “I thought she was flipping crazy but we ended up sneaking off and drinking that stupid bottle together. We drank a lot, talking about whatever…and they say a drunk man never lies. I don’t remember how we got to that point but Y-Yuri said she was lonely, scared, and because we were apart and so afraid she became…unfaithful.”

“Unfaithful? Like she was cheating on you?” I clarified and Jessica nodded slightly against her knees. My knees shook involuntarily. Does anyone really get you Yuri? Why would you cheat on someone you loved? Was that the girl who was crying so hard on my shoulder at your funeral? Pieces began falling abruptly into place.

“Yuri was a great girlfriend, but I never said that she was the most faithful. She had begun seeing another girl that went to a school near hers 2 months before her death. A-and I got so angry at her, I couldn’t think clearly and my heart hurt. But she kept saying it was a mistake, that she only loved me and she would break up with the other girl, I couldn’t understand. I just…I didn’t know we were next to the tracks and I pushed her, right onto them,” Jessica buried her head deeper into her curled up legs and I leaned over, putting my hand on her back. I didn’t know anything, I didn’t know Yuri was passionate about music, I didn’t know she was gay, I didn’t know her girlfriend was someone I met. There was nothing I could tell Jessica to make her feel better about Yuri dating another girl.

“You know it wasn’t your fault she died, you guys got drunk, you weren’t aware of your surroundings,” I whispered and rubbed her back.

“But I didn’t stop her from drinking, I didn’t stop myself, I pushed her. I pushed the girl I love in front of an oncoming train!” she yelled into her lap to muffle out the noise and finally lifted her head. I didn’t like seeing people sad, oddly enough Jessica only had a few tears, but you could tell by the look in her eyes it wasn’t something she would get over soon. “I wanted to marry Yuri.”

“What?” the word suddenly came out of my mouth but I was that shocked. The blonde sighed and nodded regretfully.

“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Yuri, I love her that much. Now that she’s gone, I want to get over her but at the same time I don’t think I want to,” she muttered. Those two feelings were hard to deal with, I felt that way with Tiffany, and so the empathy was there. I hugged Jessica again, squeezing her tightly, and took a deep breath. It’s official: none of us truly knew Yuri.