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{34}

With school ending in a few weeks we were showered with final’s prep, being told that we had to finish our review worksheets, turn in our textbooks, and study. I knew it wasn’t much, but it scared me, the amount of work that easily accumulated. As one year ends another starts just as easily, it was stressful to think I was a year closer to graduating, to leaving. But I had to get through it, school was ending soon, I just had to endure it for a little longer. Honestly, ever since I got the Maestro’s Award, my band mates have been thinking very highly of me. It was as if I could look at any piece of music and be able to play it. Instead of being flattering I found it to be burdening. The award was nice, but at the same time I didn’t want it. So, for an entire week I blocked everything out and finished all of my final reviews so I didn’t have to deal with them. Most of my time was spent during at home or even during Band class. “Tae, wasn’t Tiffany wearing this same shirt?” Seunghyun tugged on my red sleeve and I looked up. Oh? Is Tiffany actually wearing it today? We hadn’t even discussed when we would wear it, she just so happened to correlate with me.

“I bought one for her, this is Mickey and hers is Minnie,” I said, tugging at my Mickey logo for him to see.

“That’s adorable, Mama Tae,” Jonghyun noted beside me and I rolled my eyes. “Does that count as couple clothes?” my heart pounded. Does it?

“Wouldn’t it?” Wooyoung asked as he and Baekhyun played chopsticks with their fingers. I could feel the burn of embarrassment crawl up my neck. Anyone could think what they wanted to think, but it was still a little nerve racking.

“But you slept with Jung, remember?” Jiyong smirked and I kicked the stool out from under him for his choice of words.

“Let’s keep this PG, Yong,” I crossed my arms as the others laughed at the latter on the floor. I called my brother Ji, so I decided Jiyong would have to be the end of the name like Tiffany and Jessica.

“What are we talking about?” Taecyeon sat down and we opened up our circle. I didn’t mind having Taecyeon around, he was funny and we got along ever since the trip.

“Couple shirts? Tae and Tiffany?” Jonghyun pointed and Taecyeon raised an eyebrow.

“Isn’t that the same shirt?” the saxophonist asked and I shook my head.

“Mine’s Mickey and hers is Minnie,” I replied while the latter smirked.

“It’s totally a couple shirt,” he declared and I sighed, pretending to be frustrated, but I was glad they thought of it that way.

Tiffany and I laid outside during lunch, not talking about our matching sweaters, even if that was why people continuously talked to us. It was kind of awkward to say in the least, but at the same time I was comfortable being with her. I didn’t tell Tiffany I had slept beside Jessica or about the things we had accidentally done. I was afraid of her reaction, but I knew hiding it from her would not be good either. “TaeTae…” I shifted my head so I looked at Tiffany and she held up her left wrist, brandishing a new bracelet with the envelope token attached to it. I grinned.

“You put it on a bracelet?” I clarified and she nodded while I gently took her arm to gaze at it. My heart swelled with joy. She must really like it.

“I want to think of it as good luck for final’s week,” she smiled and I stopped playing with it.

“Do you think you’ll do well?” I wondered and she bit her lip, either thinking or figuring out how to avoid the obvious.

“I think I’ll pass,” she said and I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “Okay! Okay I know I’ll pass!”

“That’s not much of a difference, Hun,” I told her.

“Yes it is!” she insisted and I rolled my eyes. “Yah, I can do this, don’t worry I can graduate with you guys.”

“Alright, alright I have faith in you,” I sighed, but I was still uneasy.

“I will be okay,” she repeated and I nodded, getting that worried stomachache again. I couldn’t help it. I took her wrist and gently placed a kiss on her bracelet. What did you just do? “What was that for?”

“Luck.”

I wasn’t sure when I was going to tell Tiffany, or if I would say anything about my feelings for her. I didn’t want to be sudden, nor angry at her when I finally said something, but then again that was what she did. I didn’t want our history to be repeated. I couldn’t honestly say I was perfectly content with our relationship; it bothered me to do these things and to feel these things without knowing for sure what we were. She seems to be over Nichkhun, and I’m glad she isn’t sad about losing him. I guess that’s a good sign. I don’t think she was willing to go back and start looking at guys too soon either, which was also a window that could be closing anytime. I wanted to take that chance, but I didn’t know how.

After Xiumin and I got an A on our presentation we considered ourselves a pretty good duo in English. Mr. An even chose us to be the two lone survivors if our 6^th period class were to be stuck on a deserted island. I liked to think that we were good friends now. “Taeyeon, let me read your poem,” the latter reached over my shoulder to grab my paper but I held it just out of his reach.

“No way, it’s not even that good,” I shrugged. For our final in English we had to write a poem, with an unknown prompt, and we had some activities before we began working on that specific assignment. Right now we had to write a love poem between two inanimate objects, mine was a picture frame to a mirror.

“Mr. An says not to preface,” he told me and I rolled my eyes, turning to look at him.

“Whatever, I bet yours is exactly how you talk though,” I smirked at his paper and he rested his arm over the writing.

“How else would it sound like?” he raised an eyebrow and I shrugged.

“Mine sounds nothing like me,” I said and he held out his hand until I slipped the piece of paper over to him. I confess, I thought of Tiffany while writing it. I realized that she really is my muse; I can write pretty exceptional stuff when I pour my feelings out to her on a piece of paper. I watched Xiumin’s expression as he read the poem. He ended with a deep sigh and handed it back to me.

“That was really good, Taeyeon,” he nodded and I smiled. “Like, wow, do you like someone?” he joked and I blushed a bit. Don’t look through me, don’t look through me.

“No, I just thought about it,” I insisted and placed the paper on my desk.

“You should read it for the class,” Xiumin suggested but I shook my head. It was kind of hard to come up with such a poem; I didn’t feel comfortable with telling anymore people about how I felt even if no one knew anything about its truth.

“I’ll read another one,” I said and stuffed away my paper when the bell rang. Again the two of us packed slowly, except this time we just packed in comfortable silence. The class emptied and Mr. An tossed Xiumin his room keys.

“Lock up when you’re out, I have a meeting so put those in my office,” Mr. An stated and the latter nodded. Our English teacher was cool like that, he trusted us.

“Sure thing,” Xiumin waved and the two of us were left alone. I glanced out the window and noticed Tiffany and Jessica talking to each other. My nervousness shot up another level. Please don’t say anything about the trip, Sica. “You know, you should really make it more discreet.” I jumped at Xiumin’s words. Suddenly my anxiety escalated once more. Oh what does this guy know?!

“Wh-what do you mean?” I wondered and he scoffed, shouldering his backpack while keeping his eyes on me. They didn’t look hostile, but slightly tired.

“I’m not like other people, Taeyeon. I’m like you, I notice things, I notice others,” he stated confidently and he gestured outside, to where Tiffany was now waiting by herself. I gulped. He knows. My heart stopped as fear took over my limbs. I had to grip the desk in order to stabilize myself. Someone else knows. “Hey! Hey, it’s fine. I’m totally cool with it!” he set a hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him, feeling my whole body shake. It was scary.

“Are you really?” I mumbled and he nodded vigorously. There was only sincerity in his eyes, I believed him. I tried to breathe but it was hard.

“I’d really like it if you told her actually,” he confessed and I couldn’t help but smile a little bit. There was something about sharing such a huge secret with another; it was relieving to talk it out with someone. “If I’m as good as I am with you, then I can assure you everything will be okay.”

I zoned out on Xiumin’s words the whole walk home; I couldn’t concentrate on anything else besides what he said. I can assure you everything will be okay. He spoke so clearly, so confidently. I wanted the same thing. I realized I did in fact care about how certain people reacted to my uality; I did care about how I would be treated if more people knew. It was a scary feeling, I finally understood why people preferred to be stuck in a closet rather than step out. I glanced at Tiffany, walking on the inner path of the sidewalk and listening to music. Do I really have nothing to worry about? Xiumin gave me confidence, something that I was always lacking in. Before I knew it, we were inside. “You okay, Tae? You seem kind of out of it,” Tiffany noticed and I nodded, in reflex to her questions.

“Y-yeah, just thinking about something Xiumin said earlier,” I shrugged, trying to act normal, and I fell on the couch while Tiffany dropped herself on top of me. I let out a fake groan in pain and she slapped my stomach.

“What did you guys talk about?” she wondered as I gently combed through her hair. Nope, you have to lie. I hated lying to Tiffany.

“Finals, kinda stresses me out,” I sighed.

“We have another week until they start, and then, it’ll be three more days until summer vacation,” she grinned and kissed my nose. A loud thud was heard in my chest. “We’ll spend it like last year, right?”

“Sure thing, if that’s what you want, but remember I have a family reunion in late August. It’s really needed this year around so it might be a little longer than last year’s,” I mumbled, not daring to speak about Yuri’s death, but Tiffany nodded in understanding. For some reason my mind thought back to Jessica and Yuri.

“Of course, I know,” she kissed my chin and I smiled. “Do you have to study for any specific finals?”

“Um, science and math are a pain. I can’t get B’s in those subjects,” I mumbled, rubbing my forehead. I was on the border of having an A; any tampering could easily tip it to the dark side.

“Ew, I hate those subjects,” she frowned and I smirked.

“I know, why don’t you just sleep while I study for a bit then?” I offered and she got off of me, lying down on the other side of the couch.

“It’s okay, right?” she asked and I nodded.

“Go ahead,” I insisted, pulling out my notebooks while throwing a blanket over her body. She snuggled deeper into the couch and closed her eyes, for a moment, I thought of how Jessica looked like when she slept. I pulled out my love poem and took a deep breath. What to do with you, Tiffany.

Day by day, hour by hour, five thousand people pass by me.

But once they get to you, no one turns away so easily.

I am but a happy memory, meant for a few moments of fulfilling relief.

You, on the other hand, provide a hearty belief, that, people can change!

Yet my love for you remains.

Why is it that whoever you put on looks outstanding?

I am all but bored of your gorgeous outlining.

Why do you let them put cracks in your frame?

Why do you let them treat you that way?

The shards of glass torture me, so to say.

Those ones who put you away, only to fish you out when wanting to shame.

The hate in these veins, in all four corners of my brain.

Why can’t you see, that the one who keeps that smile on your face is me? But I can wait, I can clean the slate, if I am the only one to remember your face.

As day by day, hour by hour, five thousand people pass by me.