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{15}

It takes a long time to get over something that seriously affects you. It takes a lot of work and resistance to try and get over something. Tiffany talking about Nichkhun and how she liked him was going to take a very, very long time to accept. I might never accept it, and I know that as well. But I want to keep my best friend in my life for a longer time so I was trying my best to keep my emotions under control. I knew even after their dance performance there was a strong possibility Tiff would still think about Nichkhun, and I was right. Even after the practices and dance was over she still talked about him, about not letting him go and making him her first priority. I would listen to her talking about her day, about Nichkhun and his odd behavior. I was the person who comforted her when he was being a jerk. But I released my anger at home. I was even more irritable and distant from my family than ever. I spent a lot of time outside where I could still use my laptop or in my room where no one else bothered me. If I was ever out of these two areas then I was in the garage where an old punching bag and drum kit were finally put to use.

I spent lots of time with Tiffany at one of our houses nowadays. When she was at my place I tried to act as if nothing was wrong with me and my family but at her place I tried to put a bottle cap on my feelings. I still had to live up to Mrs. Hwang’s expectations and I didn’t want to flip a table in their apartment. Right now, I was lying down on the pink sheets with my legs over Tiffany’s thighs. Pay attention to her words, Taeyeon. You can get through this conversation. “I don’t understand why I like him either, like, why does it have to be him of all people?” she sighed deeply and I gulped. It’s okay, you’ll be okay. Think for Tiffany, not about her, but for her. 

“You shouldn’t ask me that, Fany-ah, I don’t know much about liking people,” I reminded her solemnly. I only love you.

“I confuse myself, TaeTae,” she sighed deeply once more. You’re not the only one.

“You of all people should understand how you feel,” I scoffed and she played with my sweats. My chest thumped, I could see the gentle rise of my heartbeat but luckily Tiffany was always too preoccupied with other things to notice.

“But I don’t! That’s the problem!” she groaned and I let out a soft smile. Sometimes I saw Tiffany and I were more alike than I thought. “I haven’t even told anybody about it, you’re the only one. Not even Bora knows.” Somehow I felt a little better about that.

“Just talk to me about anything you want, I don’t mind.” I kind of lied about that part, but I was willing to help her if she was troubled by him again.

“I know, but I don’t want to just rant to you…” she muttered and I raised my arm while taking her hand. Her fingers felt warm on mine, for a moment it felt good.

“Ranting is good, it releases the emotions. And I like hearing your rants, it makes me a better person if I can help you,” I said softly and she smiled, a little sadder than usual, but nonetheless it was special. That somewhat stupid special eye smile, dammit, Tiffany. I had to tighten the cap on my bottle of feelings.

“I feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship at all you know?” she breathed and air caught in my throat. There are still days where I think Tiffany doesn’t care about me; where we end up not talking some days or even up to weeks. I beat myself up over it so much, only to run back to her so easily. The roles in this relationship are so messed up.

“Some people have trouble expressing their feelings, especially in person. Everything can get awkward and it just ends up looking like you don’t care,” I insisted, speaking from personal experience. I wish I knew how you truly felt about our relationship.

“I don’t know, if he cared I feel like he would make an effort to talk to me rather than just me starting our conversations you know?” I know all too well. Lately I’ve been the one starting our conversations and feeling like Tiffany doesn’t care if we ever had one or not. You’re really racking my brains here, Tiff.

“There are lots of reasons people don’t start conversations, Fany-ah.” I’m so nervous in upsetting you or stepping into your boundaries. I’m so scared, but I know I have to pluck up some courage and help you out, no matter how I feel inside. “And you know, there are a lot of factors to life. It’s hard to keep things under control, especially if you’re not stable already.”

“Nichkhun has a lot of issues too. Let’s see, he’s sensitive about his weight, he’s ADHD, he’s bipolar, and he has communication issues. I also think there are some troubles in his family…” I wanted to hate Nichkhun, but knowing that anger can’t solve my problems and hearing about things he has to deal with made me sympathize with him. It was hard with mental disorders and I’m sure Nichkhun had a lot on his plate right now. He’s kind of aloof at school.

“Not to mention the things that no one else really knows about you,” I said, thinking about my emotions and hidden uality. My heart pounded with a resounding ache. I closed my eyes and took a couple easy breaths to ease the pain.

“Yeah, I think he has a lot of things going on but he doesn’t tell anyone,” she nodded and I sat up, releasing her hand from mine only to find her head on my shoulder.

“There are some shells that are just really tough to crack open,” I said as calmly as possible while Tiffany’s arms rested on my other shoulder.

“That only makes me want to get to know him better, so he can trust me as much as I trust him,” she mumbled against my neck and I stiffened. Do you really trust him? But I didn’t ask.

“Well, just remember, there are those pesky shells that will never crack open no matter how hard you try and anyone can be those shells,” I warned and she nodded while affectionately holding me. I hated it and at the same time loved it.

“He confuses me so much,” she sighed exasperatedly and I gently rubbed her back. This is going to take a long time to get over…or to at least accept your feelings for him. I wish I could tell you, I really wish I could, but I’m so afraid. I wish you would see that I love you more than a best friend.

“People are confusing they don’t come with instructions or rules, you have to make them yourself,” I said softly and her back, making her hum in contentment. I smiled a little until there was a knock on the door. I was about to pull away but Tiffany wrapped her arms around my neck and kept me close. Oh dear lord.

“Come in!” she responded as I was still blushing. Her mom opened up the door and smiled at us, not suspecting anything even after Michelle mentioned the homoual relationship we should consider months ago. Maybe she doesn’t remember since it was so long ago, or maybe she doesn’t care because we’re both girls and she can’t see it happening…

“Dinner’s ready, Taeyeon, are you staying the night?” her mother wondered but before I could answer Tiffany already spoke for me.

“She’s staying! It’s Friday and we don’t have homework,” she told her mother, even if I wasn’t planning to, I didn’t mind staying the night. I enjoyed sleeping with Tiffany in my arms anyway.

I was glad I wore sweats, so now I could just collapse on the bed and sleep after brushing my teeth. Dinner was quiet, which I liked since there were no screams over who ate what, and soon I was already laying down in bed. I was facing the wall while Tiffany changed into her pajamas. Looking at her while she changed would be just too much for me. While I was telling myself not to look behind me, a body suddenly rolled onto mine and the room got twice as hot. “TaeTae why are you in bed already?” she asked in my ear and I felt shivers run down my back. Pull yourself together, tighten the cap. You’re trying to accept Tiffany and Nichkhun remember?!

“You know I sleep early,” I mumbled and she rolled over me so now instead of the wall her face was in front of mine. She smiled and I couldn’t help but grin a little bit. Too bad your smile is contagious.

“Too early, especially on a weekend,” she poked my cheek and I scoffed, feeling somewhat comfortable with my best friend for the first time in weeks.

“I’m not used to staying up late like you are, no matter what day it is,” I shrugged slightly and she slid her arms around my shoulders. I wish I knew what you thought about and what you think I feel. Do you know I love you this much? I mindlessly pulled her closer by the hips and kissed her head. I held myself back from pouring my words out and bit my lips. There was still a part of me that wanted her to continue falling for me. I admit I didn’t want to lose to Nichkhun just yet. I mean, you can’t get over your first love easily; it’s the one that sticks with you. But of course, there’s also the probability that Tiffany never even loved me in that way, it might’ve just been a phase. No, she did love me. Tiffany doesn’t toss around that word. “I wish I could sleep beside you every night…” I said without thought which caused Tiffany to bury her face against my chest. She’s too cute!

“Don’t say things like that, it’s embarrassing,” she whined and I smiled. You say you like Nichkhun but my words still have an effect on you. I was somewhat proud of that. I guess it takes a while to get over someone, even me. It worried me a lot, because then what chance would I have in getting over Tiffany? “Hey TaeTae…”

“Mm?” I hummed and she adjusted her arms so they loosely hung on my nape. She didn’t speak for a while but instead pressed her ear against my heart. My body warmed up but I didn’t mind the heat for some reason.

“Why does your heart beat so fast?” Because it’s too hard to get over you and your infatuation with Nichkhun when you’re this close to me.

“You know me, high blood pressure,” I replied. It wasn’t a lie though; I did have high blood pressure.

“You should see a doctor, I feel like your body’s hurting a lot more than you let on,” she muttered and I nodded once. My body has been giving me a lot of grief, when I wake up it hurts when I move it hurts. Something is always in pain nowadays. It’s hurting so badly, if only someone knew just how much my body agonized over everything, over you.

“I can get over it, don’t worry, Fany-ah,” I assured and continued to caress her back until I let my hands rest on the middle of her back, where it was safe to leave my hands. Tiffany then abruptly pressed her hands on mine and slid them lower to her waist before looking up innocently at me.

“I feel more comfortable this way,” she explained simply and I felt her tug my neck forward so my forehead pressed against hers. Can I really get over you, Tiffany?