Thank you for subscribing: sungim, greywind, zythum24, SHINeepanda25, & qqwatwatqq!

____

{18}

I always thought about my future. Some days I think about the near future, other days I think about when I’m much older. I get stressed out when I think of what’ll happen as I’m 18 to my late 20’s. It’s honestly worrying, I’m not ready to handle my future but it’s so close and at the same time so far away from now. I’m not ready to handle anything in my life; I can’t even handle my own emotions. I can’t handle anything that I engage myself in doing anymore. I’m such a sad excuse for a human being. I hated myself for so many reasons nowadays. How am I going to be able to survive long enough to make my decisions about my future if I can’t make any right now while I’m still in high school? I hate my feelings, my attitude.  I was raised to have no opinions, to obey what they told me to do, and I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted my life to be driven by me, not by my grandparents or my parents. I wanted to love Tiffany as much as I wanted to, I wanted to study what I wanted to study, and I wanted to live my life the way I know I would be happy. But that was not the deal.

I’ve been looking up colleges since I was 7; I still couldn’t decide which one was the best for me. At first I thought it was my home state college where all my friends were aiming for, but after meeting Tiffany, I realized that wasn’t what I really wanted. I learned that if I couldn’t do what I wanted to do, I would go where I wanted to go. And so I decided on University of San Diego as my dream college. It had a good medical program but best of all it was miles away from home and only minutes from where Tiffany planned on going. I was barely scraping by with high school, I hoped that when the time came to leave Tiffany and I would be going to California together. I know that my best friend has an effect on my decisions, but that doesn’t mean that I would regret these kinds of decisions if she ever left me. USD is after all far from here, it has a nice program, affordable tuition, etc. Besides, my grandparents can make me do a lot of things, but telling me where I would go after I became an adult was not going to happen.

“If I go to L.A, you’ll be there too, right?” Tiffany wondered, setting her phone aside while I walked over to the couch after a punching session. My clothes were sticking close to my body and my pulse was beating faster than usual but I knew it was only temporary. I raised an eyebrow at her, confused by the outburst of Los Angeles, but nonetheless glad when she put away her electronic. Now she wasn’t thinking about Nichkhun.

“Of course, San Diego’s only a couple hours away. And if I inherit my dad’s driving habits, only one hour,” I grinned and she smiled back at me. Aish that smile, so beautiful you don’t even know what it does to me. “Why?”

“I’m afraid that if we…go to other places after high school I’ll never see you again,” she confessed and handed me a clean towel to wipe my glistening skin. I chuckled a little bit and wiped down my face and neck with a sigh. The only way we’ll never see each other again, is if you’re the one that pushes us away.

“That won’t happen; I’ll only be a little busy with college. We’ll be freshmen all over again, I’ll always be there,” I assured her and she leaned against my side, unfazed by my sticky neck and shoulder where she laid her head. I resisted the urge to rub my thumb over her cheek. Enough of the cheeks, Taeyeon!

“Are you really going for a medical degree?” she asked and I nodded once.

“Ph.D. too,” I added and she sighed against my neck. It has to be at least 8 years before I can finally take a step away from school.

“I thought you wanted to become a psychologist or something along the lines of that,” she mumbled and I gently petted her hair. Psychology has always caught my eyes and interested me; I enjoyed solving other people’s problems or figuring out why someone acted a certain way. One of my uncles was a psychology major, but after he ended up not making much money he took up computer designing and now my family looks down upon the major.

“I was thinking, I would look into it, but I want to do a double major or something. If I can’t do that then I’d do what they wanted, earn some money and then go back and earn some sort of psychology degree,” I sighed as my head throbbed with the thought of college. I brought my hand up and massaged my temples.

“Sounds stressful,” she noted and I nodded. “Have you seen a doctor yet?”

“No, not yet…” I admitted and she breathed deeply. I’ve given up on my mom taking me to the doctor. When she started whining about her own wrists and back I practically told her to get used to it. There was no way I was getting to the doctor’s office now.

“Do you feel any better?” Only if you’re making me feel better.

“Yes,” I replied and she snuggled closer into my side.

“Good, you have that test in science, I don’t want you to be stressed out and not be able to concentrate,” she rubbed my head and I sighed happily. “I know how you’re scared of getting a B in that subject.”

“Mm, especially if I plan on going into medicine…” I mumbled and she gently kissed my cheek. I smiled widely as she continued to lean on me, my flushed cheeks have now disappeared whenever we showed each other common signs of affection, but that didn’t mean my feelings have calmed down at all. I find myself falling for you every time I wake up, no matter the day. Even if I wanted to get over Tiffany, I feel like it’ll be a long time until I stop thinking about her the minute I wake up.

“Well, it’ll be nice if I’m friends with a doctor, I know where I’m crashing at night,” she joked and we both laughed, rocking back and forth on the comfortably worn couch.

“Oh whatever, I probably won’t be home that often when I get a job,” I confessed and Tiffany tilted her head.

“Didn’t you use to say that you always wanted a family though? Don’t you think you would need some time for, I don’t know, dating?” she looked at me quizzically. I don’t really want to date anyone else; I can’t get over you just yet Tiffany. When I was younger I dreamed of having a family, but then again, don’t all young girls want a family at some point? But after I realized I was in love with Tiffany, I told myself that it was okay if I never got a family of my own. Even if through some miraculous event I ended up with Tiffany, there was no telling what could happen, and we couldn’t have any kids together. I decided that with my newfound preferences, it’d be best if I didn’t expect or hope to have kids that easily.

“To be honest, I don’t want to date anyone unless I feel like they have a possibility in getting married to me. I want to try and date one person,” I told her and she rose both of her eyebrows in surprise. When we were still getting to know each other better I told Tiffany many times I only wanted to date one guy, if that was possible. Well, now I don’t really care if it’s a guy or a girl, but I guess the concept is still weird for her.

“TaeTae, you know that it’s impossible, right?” she pointed out softly, as if to ease me, and my jaw dropped at her blunt words.

“What?! It’s totally possible! You don’t think that’s possible?!” I questioned and she apologetically shook her head. I found myself scooting back just a little bit to get a better look at her face. It was strange, for the person you were in love with was saying that you couldn’t date only one person for your whole life. But I wanted to at least try and accomplish that goal.

“How can you know what you want if you haven’t dated a few more people? How will you know what commitment is after being in a couple serious relationships? There are a lot of things that can go wrong in a relationship, especially if it’s your first,” she reasoned but I wasn’t going to back down from this fight.

“Then why would you date the person if you didn’t plan on them lasting? Isn’t it just a waste of time?” I asked her and she blinked blankly at me. I grinned as she came to her senses and punched me to use them.

“Yah! Why are you so smart?!” she growled and pushed me away from her while I laughed. Even angry, Tiffany looked beautiful. It’s strange looking at you and talking about this stuff. Should I just date someone else and break up with them before I start thinking about you again? No, that’s heartless.

“I’m not smart,” I insisted. I wasn’t book smart, just because I got good grades meant nothing, I paid attention in class. That’s what gave me answers and ways to figure out problems. There are no stupid people, no one is born more or less smart than the other, but as we grow the way we are taught and the way we receive information separates us.

“Yeah you are, stop lying,” she playfully pushed my arm and I smiled at her. “This is fun, I like it when we talk about this, just between us,” she added while playing with my arm that was now cooled down. I smiled a little bit, nodding and watching her examine my fingers. Locks were clasped and lips were sealed when we talked to each other, everything that needed to be saw was safe from the outside world. I enjoyed the little world we had, our own little “TaeNy” world as my cousins once dubbed us. It was stupid, but I felt like that was meant to be my future. I knew that I had to stay sane while I was still in love with Tiffany, but the idea of us together was so nice.

“We keep talking about my unclear future, what about yours Fany-ah?” I inquired, letting my arm stay limp while she caressed the back of my hand. I knew plenty about what Tiffany wanted, but I felt like I was never fulfilled. I always wanted to know more.

“My mom supports me in going to California by myself, but it costs so much money and going alone is such a hassle. Especially if I want to go into performing arts, there’s no certainty,” she said. The girl was into things that involved a stage, mostly singing and dancing. She admits to herself that she isn’t the greatest singer, and often insists I should turn my hobby into a career, and she knows she isn’t the best dancer, but Tiffany’s always willing to improve on anything. That’s her best quality.

“Well, you won’t be alone, I’ll go with you when we’re both ready,” I offered and she smiled at me. I felt butterflies in my stomach nowadays; it was an unusual yet pleasant feeling.

“You’re right, after all, it’s our future we’re talking about,” she wrapped my arm around her neck and leaned back into my side. I smiled gently as her hands rested on my other shoulder while my head went atop hers. Our future, that sounds nice. School is stressful. College is stressful. Family is stressful. Moving, jobs, money, homework, and everything that comes with growing up is stressful beyond belief. But with Tiffany and I planning on facing our future together, everything felt easier. When I thought about the two of us staying together in college a smile always broke out on my face.