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{21}

“What the f—!” I knocked the air out of my lungs as I rolled off of Tiffany’s bed and landed on my stomach. I scrunched up my face in pain and groaned lowly as I rubbed my aching ribcage. My other hand went on my head, now pulsating painfully from the impact and irritating bright light. I glanced around the room, noticing it was already morning and I checked the digital clock on the white desk: 10:02 a.m. What happened last night? I racked my brain for the memories, but once I got back to when I kissed Tiffany everything after that hurt too much to think. And I don’t even want to know how she reacted. My face was searing hot as I even recalled what my drunken state decided to do. I can’t believe I do unbelievably crazy things when I’m drunk. I slapped myself. The fear and guilt were eating me alive. I kissed her. But at the same time I couldn’t help but feel giddy, I smiled a bit. I really kissed her. Even if it was in a somewhat unconscious episode fueled only by alcohol, I did it.

“Tae?” my heart leapt in my throat when I heard Tiffany’s voice, breaking me out of my euphoric moment. Dear lord why is her voice so attractive in the morning?! “Are you okay?” her eyes were barely open and her hair was a perfect mess, she was so amazing even at 10.      

“Fine, just fell off the bed,” I stretched out my numb limbs and sighed. My best friend seemed disoriented, but once her eyes landed on me she relaxed a bit. “What happened last night?” I asked her and she popped her eyes open, as if just remembering what went down herself. Honestly, I was so stressed and embarrassed about what happened, I wanted to pretend nothing occurred. It would be lying even more than what I wanted, but I couldn’t deal with the aftermath of my surprise kiss and only God knows what afterwards.

“How much of it do you remember?” It was obvious she knew exactly what happened, but I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to think about it again. I really screwed up.

“Um, I think after my 5^th Smirnoff Ice…?” I lied and I noticed her slight drop in the shoulders. I’m sorry, Tiffany, but I can’t deal with these emotions right now, not in the morning. I’m too afraid.

“You just passed out on me and then I fell asleep too…” she replied and I closed my eyes. I wonder what you really did with me after I kissed you. Did I pass out right after that? Did you push me away? Did you just put me to sleep, knowing I was drunk?

“I should go home; Mom and Dad probably don’t know I spent the night here yet.” I wanted to leave as soon as possible, and it just so happened that I completely forgot to tell my parents that I’d be sleeping at Tiffany’s when we got caught up drinking. I made a grab for my street clothes and stuffed them into my back pack. Too lazy to change, walking around in my PJ’s isn’t so bad.

“A-alright, Michelle can take you home, she knows the way,” Tiffany offered, obviously flustered by my sudden declaration, and so we walked out of that room. Whatever happens in Tiffany’s room, will forever stay in Tiffany’s room.

It was hard being alone with Michelle. I tried not to be the awkward kid I was, but with Michelle I was reduced to a nervous teen fumbling with her words and hands. I’m not sure why I was such a way with Tiffany’s college-attending sister but I seemed to be afraid of saying something stupid and having her use it against me. There are just some people who I feel uncomfortable with, Michelle is one of them. I diverted my attention to the window of her white Camry, hoping she wouldn’t say anything to me and just left my awkward self alone. “Taeyeon, you know you’re awfully quiet,” she noted without taking her eyes from the road and I sighed. Dammit.

“Sorry, I’m just tired from last night,” I muttered and suddenly blushed at how weird that sounded coming from my mouth. Ugh, dirty thoughts, you’ve been listening to too many of Tiffany’s jokes.

“You guys were talking pretty loudly, what in the world were you doing?” she sighed and I smiled a little. Michelle, doesn’t rat out Tiffany, she can handle the truth. But then again that’s Tiffany, who in the world would expect me to drink?

“Just, talking, and stuff. We got kind of out of control,” I sighed and found the courage to look at her. They’re so similar and yet so different.

“I tell you how much I appreciate you right?” Michelle suddenly asked and I smiled a bit.

“Like you’re Tiffany’s better half,” I breathed and she laughed a little bit. Tiffany wasn’t one to give gratitude or really show it. She wasn’t great with her words, but Michelle seemed to know what was on her younger sister’s mind.

“I don’t think you know exactly how much Tiffany loves you,” she told me and I shrugged nonchalantly. Of course my mind wandered to that kind of topic, but I try not to get so insecure about it. Although, it was hard, I didn’t want to lose her.

“You might as well be some idol boy she’s fan-girling over with the amount of talking she does about you,” the college junior shook her head and I blushed a little bit. Please don’t notice. Remembering that Michelle once initiated the topic of a homoual relationship, I was afraid that these kinds of behaviors would be on her radar even now. Oh no, please don’t awake these feelings. My mind was fogged up with Tiffany again, my heart ached, I was supposed to be thinking about my cousin who died only a few days before. “She’s worried you don’t love her anymore.” I couldn’t help but scoff and the latter smiled a bit.

“The feeling’s mutual, but it’ll never happen.” I didn’t mean for that first part to slip out but it just did. I felt the pain throb in my stomach and I turned my attention back to the window. I liked gray skies, they calmed me, but I wish they could empty me. Once Michelle pulled into my driveway I quickly unbuckled myself from the painfully awkward car. “Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem, you’re family Taeng, you know that right?” That was the first time Michelle called me by a nickname in these past two years. It was strange, but suddenly it felt easier to be around her. But worse to feel these things for Tiffany.

“Of course,” I nodded, closed the door, and waved before slipping into the house with my keys.

Since funerals were so normal around the house we’d get over a death by now, of course missing the person, but not this badly. Out of the many people in my house I was the one who nearly refused to get over Yuri. It was harder that way. And yet, whenever Tiffany was around, I totally forgot about my cousin. I felt guilty. My family lost a member, a teenager who didn’t have a chance, a piece of my childhood and sanctuary from elders. But I wasn’t entirely focused on my blood relative because of a stupid, possibly or not possibly, unrequited love. I was fully aware of what she was doing to me, and I shouldn’t have to deal with her wrecking my heart, but once I felt like I could pull myself out she yanked me back in. I couldn’t think properly in my own home, in my own room. My family was out of control, my school work was piling up, my tears wouldn’t stop running, and my mouth couldn’t tell anyone about my worries.

“Yo, Taeyeon, wake up,” I jolted upright at the sound of the male voice. Who’s in my room?!

“Huh?! What?” I responded hoarsely and found myself in Band class, luckily, attracting no attention. Dammit, you fell asleep in class again. I face palmed myself and leaned back in my chair.

“You okay?” Wooyoung asked me and I shrugged lazily.

“Tired, my back hurts from sleeping like that too,” I furrowed my eyebrows and gripped my shoulder with my hand. The other drummer then held up his balled fists for me and I turned around so he could massage my back. Usually Wooyoung was a prankster, he wasn’t serious a lot, but I was glad he could do things without turning it into a joke.

“What, are you doing?” Jonghyun raised an eyebrow.

“He’s my slave and my body hurts,” I stated and the latter laughed while setting his backpack down next to Wooyoung who continued to knock his fists against my back. I groaned when a sudden pain shot through my spine.

“What? Where?” he asked worriedly and my arm reached behind to press on the upper part of my back. Wooyoung then focused his attention on that area. I was afraid that because I’ve been so stressed out it was taking a toll on my body.

“Usually Taeyeon’s the pushover,” Jonghyun sighed and took a chair so that I faced him.

“Well, if one of us doesn’t make it easier then she gets irritable and we’re in potentially more danger,” Wooyoung reasoned and I nodded. I’ve known both of them since late elementary; they knew how I could be early in the mornings and in all kinds of conditions.

“True that, well, better you than me,” the blonde smirked. “But then again you’re always willing to be around Taeyeon.”

“Let’s not make things awkward, Jonghyun,” I held up my hand to his face and he held up his hands innocently. The rumors of Wooyoung and I were starting to rise again, the last thing I needed was anymore interference in my “love” life. I was still beating myself up from kissing Tiffany while being drunk. My heart hammered against my chest as I recalled the silkiness of her plump lips…oh my God stop!

“The image isn’t so bad though—.” Jonghyun made a heart shape with his hands and I stood up, menacingly leaning over him with my arm raised as he instantly flinched. “Okay! Okay!” he gave up and I breathed deeply. One of these days I’m just going to lash out and hit you, Jonghyun. Just when the pain started subsiding, the dude had to ruin it.

“Let’s just practice our song, I need Baekhyun to help me with figuring out my xylophone part,” I looked around and pointed at the slightly younger percussionist. “Baek! Come on, you’re helping me read these notes!” I told him and he hopped over. It’s not like I couldn’t read notes, it’s just that I don’t usually play xylophone pieces anymore and it was harder to read as fast as I used to. Not to mention, my part was rather the highlight of the piece, which added to my desperation to perfect the rhythms. I need to focus more on my school work; I can grieve and hurt later.  

I went through the day, focusing hard on what I was learning. I realized it’s been a while since I really paid attention to my studies. Until I could come up with the courage to go against my grandparents, I had to keep up my good grades or else all Hell would break loose. My brain felt like it was tightening, causing pain to shoot through my head, and I ended up taking a nap during lunch. I purposely went to the library in order to avoid Tiffany during lunch. I wasn’t ready to face her yet. Luckily, during fourth period, I was left to think while everyone else mulled over tests. I gently thumbed my bottom lip. It was our first kiss. That was what I regretted the most; I wanted her to be my first kiss, but I just took hers without a second thought. She always thought the lips were sacred, they were special, and I just went ahead and kissed her like it was nothing. But it wasn’t anything like nothing. Tiffany was right, the lips were special, and they felt even more special. I thought back to that brief memory of touching lips and my heart fluttered in the most innocent way it could’ve ever fluttered. I knew I felt something when I kissed her, it wasn’t meaningless. Kissing her could be the only thing I would be able to do and I would happily embrace that one task. If only my happiness wasn’t the selfish kind.