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{44}

“Tiffany’s dating Donghae.” She moved quickly, Tiffany. Well, in a way, I was to blame as well. School started again, way too fast for the two of us, and my best friend asked me to choose for her, a person I would be fine with her dating. I agreed to the deal she proposed, what else was I supposed to do? But somehow, I was sort of okay with her going out on dates with others. The talk we had the night she came back lifted up everything. I knew how she felt and she knew how I felt, I was content and free of my burdens. Even after our talk, she treated me no differently as did I. Technically, on this night of Homecoming, I was her “date” until she met up with Donghae. Tiffany didn’t even leave to go to his side before I told her to go and I would talk with other friends. I wasn’t one to dance.

“I know, Xiumin. I’m okay,” I told him with a smile to top it off if he didn’t believe my raw honesty. He raised an eyebrow at me. I guess he only understands immature love. “I confessed over the summer.” He spewed every ounce of spiked punch in his mouth onto the gym floor and coughed. I patted his back and laughed out loud, drowned out by pulsing Usher songs.

“Did I hear you right?! You confessed?!” he shouted suddenly, pointing at his ears, and I tugged on his arm.

“Let’s go outside! There’s less noise and people!” I suggested and the two of us ran out, letting the surprisingly bitter fall winds brush our sweaty faces. The male jogged over to the side walk and sat down, riding up his gray slacks and I plopped beside him. We breathed heavily in the thin air before speaking.

“Does she not feel the same?” he mumbled and I shook my head.

“I confessed to her and then she said she felt similar but wasn’t sure because it just came to her. So she suggested to date some people and come back if she feels the same. I’m just waiting for her to confirm herself,” I sighed and shook my head at the alcohol reeked fruit punch my friend offered. “Ew.”

“Yum,” he replied and down it in one go. “And that sounds harsh.”

“Not really, I’m just glad I confessed to her and that I have a chance. I feel great,” I smiled again and he stared at me, jaw ajar. I haven’t felt better in years, I was telling the truth.

“You’re something, Taeyeon,” he decided.

“Nah, I just love her too much to go against her,” I chuckled and he breathed deeply.

“If you weren’t into girls so much, I think I just might ask you out,” he confessed and loosened the spring colored, diamond patterned tie he had on. I stared at him. Did he just say what I think he said? I glanced at the empty cup that sat beside him.

“You’re drunk,” I sighed and he laughed.

“No, not drunk. But you’re strong and you’re fun, it’s just too bad you’re also Kim Taeyeon whom I happen to have no interest with,” he pushed my jean clad legs and I smirked. It was great to have a friend of the opposite . Everything just seemed clearer and less awkward when we talked.

“So drunk,” I teased and he pushed me harder, forcing me to balance off with my arm on the cement. “Aish, did you get stronger over the summer?”

“Finally noticed?” he smirked. “I did some extra training in Indonesia, spent a couple months there.”

“Holy no wonder you’re so dark,” I awed and he nodded. He glanced back at the flashing entrance before back at me. He seemed worried.

“You sure you’re okay?” he wondered and I smiled. Good friend he is…if I wasn’t so in love with Tiffany…then maybe.

“I’m like 90% okay, only because I’m stuck here when I could be sleeping in bed.”

I woke up in Tiffany’s bed of course; the stale smell of alcohol and artificial strawberry burned and soothed my senses at once. I was buried in warmth, warmth that I desperately needed because the damn girl liked to sleep in 60 degrees Fahrenheit nowadays. I moved to my side, seeing Tiffany all nuzzled up beside me with no makeup and PJ’s, looking absolutely gorgeous. I planned to stay the night since I knew the seniors would sneak in alcohol and I didn’t want that smell to be on me but I wished I brought comfier pajamas other than just a shirt and pair of basketball shorts, and by ‘comfier’ I meant ‘warmer’. Whatever, cuddling with Tiffany was way better than sweatpants. I adjusted my arms to go around her waist and pulled her a little closer, so I couldn’t tell where my legs were anymore. Then suddenly her phone buzzed, killing the moment, and she groaned into my chest. “Silence it. It’s probably just Donghae,” she mumbled and I reached over her bed to get the device.

“He’s calling,” I replied as I saw a phone picture and his name, simply reading “Lee Donghae”. Not even his first name, Tiffany? Are you dating me or him?

“Answer it and say I’m hung-over,” she muttered and I raised an eyebrow.

“Are you?” she slapped me as an answer. “Just checking,” I rolled my eyes and answered the phone. “Hae, it’s Taeyeon.” I did like the whole ‘last syllable of people’s names’ thing.

“Morning, is Tiffany up?” he asked and I hummed.

“She is but you don’t want to talk to her. She’s a hung-over , especially in the mornings,” I sighed dramatically, sitting up for more comfort.

“Yah!” Tiffany shouted at me and I grinned.

“See? Not an angel before noon,” I clicked my tongue and received a rather painful pinch on my bare waist. I tried hard not to make a sound.

“Ha! Alright, I’ll call her later. Later Taeyeon.” He didn’t sound too surprised nor disappointed, I guess he just wanted to see if she was free or something.

“Later Donghae,” I hung up and tossed the phone back onto the table. “There, I lied for you!”

“Thank you, TaeTae,” Tiffany groaned, pulling me closer so her face nuzzled into my side. I hummed and rubbed her back as she drifted in and out of consciousness. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“Kind of, had this really strange dream though,” I furrowed my eyebrows, only remembering snippets of the entire thing.

“What was it about?” she wondered and pulled me even closer so her arms could go around my waist. I felt so much more comfortable, confessing was probably the best thing I could’ve done for myself.

“I don’t really remember…I’m pretty sure I was mentally unstable though. I ran straight into a giant Hummer on the road,” I laughed.

“And how did that feel?” Tiffany chuckled.

“Oh amazing, you know, I crashed into the windshield and everything. It was no big deal,” I said sarcastically. It hurt, a lot, fictionally of course but at that moment in the dream it really hurt. “I even got up and yelled at the driver for not stopping.”

“Well, you ran into them, you were gonna hit it anyway,” Tiffany shook her head.

“That’s what the driver said,” I scoffed and felt another pinch on my thigh. “Can you not? That’s painful.”

“Make yourself useful, go make me food or something,” my best friend suddenly pushed me away and I groaned. “Go! I’m hungry,” she insisted and I climbed over her to stand up. I was going to give up sooner or later.

“You must be hung-over, you’re meaner than usual,” I grumbled and felt a kick on my . “Yah!”

“I didn’t drink last night, if you really dare to make any more drunk jokes, so go and make me pancakes!” the now extremely grumpy girl yelled so I hurried out of the room, still smiling. Mornings with Tiffany are the best.

I was glad that I had an actual class with Jessica this year, and to top it off, it was English. I knew there was no teacher that could ever rival Mr. An in my favorite teachers’ list, but I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. “How do you think of Mrs. Kang?” Jessica asked me when the teacher stepped out of the classroom. I shrugged.

“Okay, no one’s as great as Mr. An,” I shook my head and she nodded.

“You look really relaxed so far this year; did you have a good summer? I haven’t really been able to ask,” Jess wondered and I smiled a little bit. I couldn’t classify it as my best summer, I’ve had better times, but nothing made me happier than Tiffany saying that she felt what I felt. Even if it turned out to be something that she couldn’t hold onto, I didn’t want to be swept in despair when there was a time we mutually loved each other.

“Great summer,” I nodded.

“Spent time with Tiffany?” Jessica guessed and I chuckled.

“Obvious?” I asked and she nodded, lightly smiling. I found she wasn’t talking about Yuri much anymore, which in a way relieved and disappointed me. I missed my cousin badly, after the family reunion in the summer; I missed her presence even more when I didn’t see that randomly tall girl in the mix of us cousins.

“I went to visit Yuri over the summer…” Jessica muttered and I looked up at her. “It was the first time I’ve seen her, since the accident.”

“Are you okay?” I put my hand on her shoulder, genuinely worried. Even I haven’t seen Yuri in a while; it’s been a long time.

“Your family still seems to take good care of her, fresh incense, clean stone, plenty of flowers. They’re okay…with her being lesbian?” she mumbled, not wanting to really talk about such a subject while we were still in a classroom. I leaned over to her ear.

“I’ll talk to you after school.”

When class ended I told Jessica to wait for me on the bleachers while I met up with Tiffany to tell her to go home by herself. I stood outside her classroom until she came out, brightly smiling at me, making me smile back at her because it was just that contagious. “Hey Babe, ready to go home?” she chirped, so adorably as well, but I couldn’t go with her.

“I can’t walk with you today, you should go home on your own,” I told her and she frowned.

“What are you doing?” she asked me.

“I’m gonna talk to Jessica for a little bit on the bleachers, I’ll go home in about ten or so minutes,” I responded, causing her to frown even more.

“I told you I get jealous when you’re with Jessica, didn’t I?” she pouted and I kissed her forehead. She’s so cute.

“You did, but Jessica is still a good friend to both of us, and I told you I was in love with you, didn’t I?” I whispered and she nodded. I smiled at her cute possessiveness, I knew jealousy was a feeling that shouldn’t be thought of as lightly but I couldn’t help but grin at her.

“I’ll wait for you then, I can just hang out with Donghae and his friends until you’re ready,” she decided and I grinned, nodding in agreement.

“And be a little bit warmer to Hae, I’m closer to him than you are,” I added and she sighed, wrapping her arms around my waist. I froze, trapped briefly in a bit of my imagination.

“I don’t like him too much, I’ll probably break up with him soon,” she confessed and I shrugged. She really didn’t seem close to him, in both the sense of a regular friend and boyfriend, so I guess there wasn’t much damage with this short relationship. Besides, the faster she got through relationships, the closer I would be to figuring out what she wanted.

“Whatever you want. You know I’ll support you through everything,” I said and we walked out of the school together before breaking apart.

There are two paths that you can take:

One to accept and the other to move on.

One to build and the other to break.

It doesn’t matter whichever you choose, I’m okay with either.

I know I can’t have you forever, not in any way.

My love for you is infinite but my body expires in about 70 years.

Our friendship is indestructible but we will lose these memories in about 50 years.

Your beauty is blinding but it will only last for about 30 years.

The patience I have is plentiful now but I cannot be certain, in say, another 10 years.

I can’t predict the future but I do know this.

What we have is real because it can and will disappear at one point.

But I like to think that even if you move on, what we share will be remembered in some way, shape or form.

I’d like to think that what we have is different.

One day I would love to hear that you can accept me.

That my love for you was worth its pain.

Though, if one day you say I’m not the One, I would be okay.

Even if you and I don’t end up together,

Even if I get a little lonely and hurt,

I would never regret falling for you.

Not in 100 years.

A/N: Words cannot express how I feel, only tears can. RIP EUNB, may your soul be calm.