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{9}

What if I end up alone because of you, Tiffany? What if I end up not wanting anyone else but you? Oh yeah, I’m thinking about things like that nowadays, but I’m really scared. I’m afraid of never getting over her, what if she ends up being the one for me? It took me such a long time to feel love, how long will it take for me to get over it? Every time I felt my body reacting to Tiffany I cringed. Once I tapped into my feelings everything became heightened, I could feel my love for her and it was almost overpowering me. It left a stinging sensation in my veins. Sometimes my heart would crawl into my throat and I was so afraid of not being able to breathe that I cried. Love doesn’t just hurt, it burns and if I don’t extinguish the fire in time I just might turn to ashes.

“TaeTae, if you had a super power what would it be?” As stupid as it sounds I’ve asked myself that question a lot. If I had a supernatural ability what would I do? There was a lot of things people would typically say: flying since humans can’t fly and other animals can, the ability to freeze time since we procrastinate too much to be able to get everything done in the normal time of a normal day, maybe even shape shifting because then you could be anyone you wanted to be and not you. But that’s not really what I want.

“I want the ability to read minds,” I responded and I felt Tiffany slump against my shoulder. The warmth of her body radiated against mine and I was somehow given a new burst of energy.

“Why?” she wondered.

“Because I know what I think and how I think, but I want to know what other people think of,” I stated simply.

“But if you know a person well enough, you don’t need powers. You just know,” she insisted and I shrugged.

“People can surprise you, no matter how close you are,” I told her.

“But you don’t really surprise me.” Because you don’t know everything about me.

“I’m not a surprising person, besides, I just get curious sometimes,” I patted her head and she rested herself against my side.

“Do I surprise you?” she asked softly and I sighed. It was surprising when I found out you were in my heart…

“Only once in a while.”

I thought I liked surprises. When I was a toddler I still remember Hayeon being born, that was a pleasant surprise. When I was 4 years old my parents told me I would be attending preschool, which was a pleasant surprise. At 7 years old the family went on a summer vacation trip to South Korea, so that was a nice surprise. But as I grew older I realized not all surprises were fun or left good memories. Once the 4^th grade year had ended my report card said that I wasn’t doing so well in math, I was on the verge of failing. That surprise gave me Hell. After that, every surprise I got was a book, a new class, or another boring lecture. But when I met Tiffany I assumed that maybe not all surprises would be awful as they had been. Until Tiffany confessed that she had feelings for me, until I found out that I was in love with her. Now I just hated surprises. I hated them with a passion.

I was slightly busier with some projects for different subjects so I was writing notes while Tiffany laid on my bed, smiling into my pillow. I was getting a little worried with her mental health so I was glad she was smiling so happily today. I just wasn’t sure why she was smiling. “Fany-ah, is your homework finished?” I questioned.

“No,” she hummed but once I looked at her I noticed no signs of remorse or a putting face like she usually did. She just continued to smile and look off into space. I chuckled and walked over to my bed, sitting down.

“What are you so happy about? You haven’t stopped grinning like an idiot since you laid on my bed,” I teased and she slapped my leg.

“I was just thinking about 6^th period, a new guy transferred into my class,” she told me and I raised an eyebrow.

“And that’s why you’re happy? Because you met a new guy?” I sounded a lot meaner than I wanted to but I couldn’t help it. Jealousy was a little green monster than needed to be heard. Tiffany grinned and I frowned when her eyes vanished.

“His name’s Nichkhun, he’s such an idiot but he’s so funny,” she giggled and I stood up from my bed, feeling my hands tighten into fists. This can’t be happening. “He’s cute too.”

“So, you like him?” I muttered and scolded myself for sounding so depressed. Dammit, why is this so ing frustrating?!

“Mm, I don’t think so. He’s cute and everything but I don’t know that much about him,” she told me and I felt my chest lighten. But I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Nichkhun was a guy while I was her best friend who told her to get over me. I caused her a lot of pain, why would she still want to love me? I sighed deeply.

“I see…” I mumbled and went back to my desk. My chest thumped in anger and desperation and I don’t think I would be able to handle it if I saw her face. I gripped my pencil tighter and attempted to breathe evenly. Is this how Tiffany felt when I mentioned an attractive person? Oh my God why does it hurt so badly?

“In P.E he’s my dance partner for that whole group dance assignment thing so…the six of us decided that we’d go to his house to practice,” she said calmly and I pushed myself away from my desk. My chair rolled back next to the bed where Tiffany fiddled with her fingers.

“How long will you have to practice with them?” I wondered and she looked up at me. Her eyes seemed glassier as she stared at me.

“We have to perform it in five weeks,” she said quietly and I could feel the hatred of surprises rising. “Don’t worry, TaeTae, I’ll still hang out here when we’re not practicing! You’re still my best friend; I don’t want you to be upset.” You can go ahead and practice all you want in dance…but why does it have to be with that guy? I wanted to punch a wall and scream out loud but I obviously couldn’t. To Tiff this was being away from each other for a little while, she’d wonder why I was so serious about it.

 “I don’t care,” I muttered and stood up before feeling Tiffany’s hand slip into mine. Time froze as I relished the feeling of her soft hand holding mine tightly. I wish she didn’t touch me. She doesn’t realize how I felt about it. Is this how Tiffany felt when she still liked me? Why does it feel so incredibly awful and yet so incredibly beautiful? I attempted to slip my hand out of hers but she tightened her grip.

“Yah, you don’t have to be a little kid about it. I promise things will be normal after we perform,” she insisted and I took a few deep breaths. I wish you would say that honestly or at least in my terms of normal. You’re gonna fall for Nichkhun, I can see it now, and I don’t like it one bit. I shouldn’t get so upset; I’m not even supposed to be in love with her, there was no reason for me to get jealous!  My ears burned and I could barely control my jaw, I was so close to just yelling my heart out.

“Alright, just let me go,” I muttered, flexing my fingers but she pulled me over to her side. I stared at the floor, finding interest in the wooden boards.

“I like holding your hand though,” she smiled gently and I shook my head but allowed our fingers to stay interlocked. I’m so weak when it comes to you; I’ve always been so weak against your strength. Why am I not surprised that everything is just falling apart when they were just coming back together? “I love you.” My heart suddenly crawled into my throat and I couldn’t breathe. Oh no. I tried to take in air but something wouldn’t let me. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice. My stomach began flipping and my blood ran cold. I couldn’t handle the feelings I had for her, I needed her to go and practice more than she did. I had to figure this out; I couldn’t act like this every time I heard those three words from her.

“I love you too, are you staying for dinner or going home?” I asked softly and she hummed in thought. A part of me wanted her to stay, another didn’t.

“Home, I want to stay so badly but I promised my mom I’d be home tonight,” she frowned and I managed to smile a little.

“You should grab a ride from my mom then, it’s getting late,” I advised and gently combed her silky hair with my fingers. She hummed again; coming closer to rest her head on my shoulder and her hand left mine only to rest on my waist. I loved the sensation that coursed my veins. Every time Tiffany held me or hugged me it was a surprise I didn’t mind having. I continued to play with her hair, purposefully brushing the back of her neck lightly, and almost smirked when I felt her tense at my touch. I knew I shouldn’t, but I enjoyed the fact her body hadn’t forgot what I could do to it. I liked to know that I had some sort of effect on her. I felt like I was on cloud nine, just being able to her hair and feeling her arms around my waist was bliss. It was so comfortable and intimate. For now Nichkhun isn’t in the picture, right now it was just me and Tiffany. And even if Nichkhun does come into our lives somehow, I wanted to think that at this moment Tiffany loved only me. That she still questioned her feelings for me. That maybe her love for me would only become stronger. That would be the best surprise.

Tiffany called her mom and ended up staying for dinner as well as consent to sleep over. I thought it was so adorable when she implored her mother to let her stay, I felt a surge of happiness when she wanted to stay. After dinner my parents went out, my grandparents left to their room on the opposite side of the house, and my aunt and uncle stayed upstairs to take care of their child. Jiwoong, Hayeon, Tiffany and I were in the living room as we usually do. My siblings were focused on the action movie we had put in while Tiffany and I were nearly asleep on the couch. My eyelids weighed a ton and every time I blinked my vision was blurred. I didn’t want to sleep just yet though, because my dear best friend felt so good to hold onto. “TaeTae, don’t tickle me so much,” she grumbled and I remembered my lips were resting on the back of her neck. I noticed this particular spot was sensitive of hers; I made sure to make a note of it. I hummed tiredly and felt her shiver under the sensation. I’m such a bad person. I couldn’t help but smirk.

“Let’s just sleep, Fany-ah. Ignore my siblings and their movie,” I mumbled against her skin and she giggled.

“TaeTae! Don’t, you know I get ticklish easily!” she slapped my leg and I pressed my forehead against her neck so my lips lightly brushed her back. I wanted to hold her forever. “Gosh you’re too much,” she huffed and I chuckled.

“You still love me don’t you?” I wondered.

“No, you’re bothering me,” she pouted.

“That’s okay, I’ll still love you no matter what,” I said and couldn’t help but feel this was how it really was between us.

“Isn’t one sided then?” she asked softly and I breathed a long gust of air.

“I guess it is…” I responded and felt my heart throb itself to sleep.