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{3}

I always wonder what happens between us. One day we’re closer than two peas in a pod and the next day I won’t hear a word from her. I always wonder what’s happening on in her head. I never really realized I was always thinking about her…I was too busy wondering how she was doing when I wasn’t by her side. Today was a day where we somehow drifted without a word. The week had been stressful already, with tests in three of my subjects, projects for two, and an essay for the last. I was ready to spontaneously combust from the work but now that Tiffany wasn’t talking to me my personal problems added another layer of exhaustion. I couldn’t think straight without her talking to me, even if whatever comes out of was complete nonsense. I just needed her and I wasn’t sure why.

At lunch I noticed Tiffany was sitting with Bora and her crowd; I tried not to be fazed by it and just headed outside. Even if my hatred for Bora was unexplainably building I wasn’t in a place to tell Tiffany who she should and shouldn’t be associating with. She looked like she was having a good time, smiling and whatnot, so I didn’t want my presence to bother her. I couldn’t compete with people who provided her with whatever she wanted when I had to kill her fun. Very few people went outside during lunch so I was left perfectly alone behind the school. I finished the little homework I was assigned from my first three periods but I still had 15 minutes left. I stared at my iPod, wanting to listen to some music, but music reminded me of Tiffany. Screw the music. I shoved my iPod into my pocket and leaned against my backpack. My eyes were facing up, but I wasn’t sure what exactly I was looking at. Why am I so worried about our relationship? What do I need to worry about? But I know exactly what I’m so afraid of. I’m afraid of losing her.

Sometimes I think that the weather knows how I feel. Or that maybe God cries for me when I’m unable to. This morning it was bright out, but as the day progressed the light faded to dark gray and when school had finally ended rain was pouring. “This is what I get for thinking today would be a good day,” I grumbled to the skies and my brain. I bit my lips as the rain continued to beat down while I was left without a hood, standing under the covered area. My parents were probably at work, plus I always walked home but whenever it rained I had a sweatshirt. Not to mention I had no phone anyway. Well, .

“Your house, TaeTae?” I turned my head and raised an eyebrow at Tiffany who carried an umbrella with a smile. How she could just walk up and talk to me like every other day, I would never know. Her confidence, her certainty, her emotions I would never understand either. I was once again left wondering in a matter of seconds. What’s happening to me? Why am I so confused by you all of a sudden?

“Sure.” And how I always seemed to agree with her I couldn’t understand. The two of us walked under her umbrella, silently yet comfortably. A part of me was glad that nothing had changed, but the other part was upset at how easily I had accepted her. I wish my heart was stronger, I wish I could hold a grudge at least once.

“Are Jiwoong and Hayeon home?” she wondered as my house became visible along the sidewalk. It took a moment to process her question.

“Probably, Hayeon might not be, but I’m sure Jiwoong is,” I mumbled.

“Why does your little sister go out more often than her older siblings?” Tiffany smirked at me and I shrugged.

“Jiwoong and I are just awkward people,” I told her and she chuckled. In a way, Hayeon and Tiffany were very similar. Both were easily outgoing, crazy fan-girls, in love with every other flower boy they saw, (at times) violent, and so much more. When I first met Tiffany I was awestruck at how much my little sister had in common with her. It freaked me out. On the other hand, my older brother and I were complete opposites of the others. We were both quiet, awkward at first, weird on the inside, calm, hard to impress, etc. Tiffany and I made it into our house with only droplets attached to our faces. Our backpacks and shoes were soaked so we slipped both off and left them by the door.

“Taeyeon! Home?” Jiwoong called from upstairs.

“Yup! Tiffany’s here too!” I added and heard dull thuds. Since the first time I brought Tiffany home, Jiwoong adored Tiffany. He said he didn’t like her romantically, but she was like another cool sister. Soon, my elder brother was in the kitchen with us.

“Hey kids!” he grinned and I rolled my eyes.

“Hey Ji, how was school?” Jiwoong attended an all boys’ Christian school since some of his closer friends had also transferred there. It was kind of weird how all three of me and my siblings attended three different schools but my parents didn’t seem bothered by it.

“Okay, there’s a rumor going around that someone in my grade is gay,” he divulged.

“You go to an all guys’ school; there’s gotta be more than one!” Tiffany scoffed and opened our fridge, helping herself to a Coke.

“I won’t judge you, Ji,” I added and he punched me in the shoulder.

“Shut up, Tae!” he walked over to the couch and I smirked. “You guys have homework?”

“Finished it during lunch,” I said and saw Tiffany hesitate to drink her Coke. My breathing became labored as today’s memory clouded my vision.

“I still have Chemistry…” she muttered into the thick air, oblivious to my brother.

“What? Tae didn’t help you?” Tiffany and I both ran off in opposite directions. I went outside while she went up the stairs.

I don’t like the wilderness but I like being outside in my backyard. The wooden deck had a roof over it but on the grass there was a bench swing with cushions. I laid on it, gazing up towards the dark clouds. It smelled of rain, but no more water fell. It was gloomy and expectant but nothing came. I wondered what Jiwoong was thinking, Tiffany and I always managed to ignore the days where we drifted, but today was somehow different. I wasn’t sure why, but throughout the day I felt like she was trying extra hard to avoid me. I didn’t like that feeling of being ignored. Where’s Tiffany? Feeling I had enough of my backyard I stood up and walked back inside to see Jiwoong sitting on the couch with a confused expression. “Um…did I say something wrong?” he scratched his head and I leaned over the couch on my elbows.

“No, you’re okay, it’s just today was kind of weird,” I shrugged.

“Between you two? You guys haven’t acted that weird between each other before,” he commented and I breathed deeply. Confiding in someone other than Tiffany was strange, but I could trust my brother. I knew I could.

“She’s not telling me something…I can feel it. It’s something big too. I’ve been just trying to let it go and think that she’ll tell me when she’s ready, but it’s really affecting us now,” I mumbled and he nodded curtly.

“Just ask her about it. Your words are usually smooth when you talk to Tiffany so don’t worry about it. Her depression might be acting up again,” he suggested and I gulped. Tiffany was hard to knock out of her depression. In the couple of years I’ve known her, she’s gotten into one of her bouts thrice. I must really love her if I can still put up with that, but I never minded. Even if it took hours or even days to get her back, I didn’t care.

“I’ll go up and talk to her. Yell when Hayeon gets home,” I patted his shoulder and ran up the stairs. I walked into my room and saw Tiffany sitting on my bed with her head hung. She didn’t look up as I closed the door and sat down on my chair. My mind ran with questions, starters, and fears. We’ve never been so tense before, usually silences were rather comfortable between us, but this time I knew Tiffany wouldn’t start our conversation. She was never fond of getting too deep and this topic seemed to be hard for her especially. “You can trust me, Tiffany.”

“I can,” she agreed but didn’t look up at me. I sighed deeply and stood up from my chair. The bed shifted in weight as I sat on its edge but even then Tiffany scooted away from me.

“What’s bothering you? Tiffany, I feel like you’re avoiding me more and more each day,” I murmured and she gripped my blanket. It’s weird how I felt so uncertain in my own bedroom whereas Tiffany made it hers.

“I’m sorry…I just can’t face you right now,” she confessed. I was relieved she was finally opening up about this problem, but that wasn’t an answer I necessarily wanted.

“Why? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” I said and she bit her lip.

“It-it’s hard. It’s frustrating, and this is a situation you wouldn’t even understand,” she breathed shakily.

“I want to hold onto our friendship, Tiffany; I want to keep us going. Whatever is happening, whatever I’m doing wrong, I have to know. It doesn’t matter if I don’t understand the situation; I’ll try to help you out. You’re my best friend; I don’t want to lose you—.”

“Would you stop talking about our ing friendship?!” she shouted and I bit on my tongue. I blinked as my heart hammered against my chest, as my head rang from the impact of her voice. I heard the front door close downstairs followed by my siblings’ voices but I didn’t care for them. I stared at Tiffany who suddenly began dripping tears and shaking heavily. For the first time she was crying, I couldn’t put my arms around her. What is happening right now? “I hate hearing about it, I hate knowing that we said everything to each other for the past year, I hate knowing that I’m your best friend. I just want to forget that we even know each other!” she sobbed and my lips parted themselves in attempt to utter words. I didn’t have any idea of what to say. “I hate you so much, Taeyeon.”

“Then leave,” I muttered bitterly. I finally managed to say a couple words, but they were because of discouragement and pain. It wasn’t what I wanted to say. “If you hate me so ing much then leave. All I’ve ever wanted was to help you but you won’t let me do even that!” I stood up, anger bubbling in my stomach. “If you hate me then why are you even here?!”

“I’m here because I’m so ing in love with you that’s why!” And then every hateful emotion that was building up in my head and in my stomach just crashed. I wanted to move, I wanted to speak, I really did but I wasn’t sure what I could do. Oh, damn she was right. What can I do now? Suddenly I was the bad guy. “Exactly. Exactly, what can you do? Date me?! Tell me you love me?! You can’t do anything this time, Taeyeon,” she mumbled and grabbed her things while I stayed standing like a tree. A very short and confused tree. “Just give me time…I’ll get over you,” she opened the door to suddenly find Hayeon with her arm raised to knock. A bit of shock flew through me as Tiffany and my sister met eyes but a second later and Tiffany was already out the door. I gulped, selfishly wishing that she had been depressed instead.

“Ouch, who broke her heart?” Hayeon asked me and I felt it raining on my cheeks.