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{42}

Sent at 7:57 p.m.

Fany: he’s the cousin i had a bad history with

Fany: i remember telling you but idk if you still remember

Fany: his room is right next to mine & i feel like im gonna have an anxiety attack

Fany: i’m really scared tae

Sent at 9:14 p.m.

Tae: I remember you talking to me about something that happened between you two, but you never got into details about it.

Tae: You’ll be okay, don’t freak out or anything.

Sent at 9:15 p.m.

Fany: i have people in the room with me now

Fany: but i’ll probably hafta see him tomorrow

Sent at 9:17 p.m.

Tae: Do you really feel that uncomfortable with him?

Sent at 9:17 p.m.

Fany: yeah

Fany: he ed up a lot of things for me lol

Sent at 9:19 p.m.

Tae: It was a while ago though, wasn’t it?

Sent at 9:19 p.m.

Fany: when I was 8

Fany: but yeah i guess

Sent at 9:20

Tae: So..it was pretty bad then huh

Sent at 9:20 p.m.

Fany: yeah

Fany: i remember telling you what happened but i guess you forgot

Sent at 9:21 p.m.

Tae: You did?

Sent at 9:21 p.m.

Fany: yeah

Fany: i think i said it last year

Sent at 9:22 p.m.

Tae: I’m sorry I forgot, but do you mind telling me again?

Sent at 9:23 p.m.

Fany: i’d rather not

Fany: it’s one of those things i dont even like you knowing about

Fany: i’d rather not remember it at all if i could 

Sent at 9:25 p.m.

Tae: Baby I know it’s hard for you to talk about things like this but I don’t think it’s healthy for you to keep it to yourself. You know you can trust me with anything that ever bothers you.

Sent at 9:25 p.m.

Fany: i do trust you

Fany: but you know…its kinda hard to talk about

Sent at 9:29 p.m.

Tae: It’s a big deal to you then, right?

Sent at 9:29 p.m.

Fany: yes

Sent at 9:32 p.m.

Tae: What if I tell you something that’s been really bothering me?

Tae: Will you tell me what happened between you and your cousin?

Sent at 9:33 p.m.

Fany: tempting lawl

Fany: what’s it about ?

Sent at 9:35 p.m.

Tae: Actually it’s technically two things.

Tae: For now I’m saying it has to do with Xiumin and Mr. An.

Sent at 9:36 p.m.

Fany: omg you dont lik have a thing for xiumin do you

Fany: that kid is just not right in the head or smth

Sent at 9:37 p.m.

Tae: HOW COUD YOU EVEN THINK THAT

Tae: OMG YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT XIUMIN DAS NASTY

Sent at 9:37 p.m.

Fany: IM SORRY BUT YOU JUST SAID XIUMIN I JUST THOUGHT

Sent at 9:37 p.m.

Tae: WAIT STOP TRYING TO STEER MY FOCUS

Tae: JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Sent at 9:38 p.m.

Fany: you go first

Sent at 9:38 p.m.

Tae: That’s not fair.

Sent at 9:39 p.m.

Fany: it is totally fair

Fany: you want me to talk dont you

Sent at 9:54 p.m.

Tae: I’m in love with you

Tae: Holy ing

Tae: That

Tae: Oh my God I did not mean to send that

Tae: Oh my ing God do not look at that message Fany

Tae: DO NOT

Tae: ASDFGHJKL

Tae:

Tae: ing

Tae: Why can’t Facebook let me delete messages??

Tae: OTL

Sent at 10:00 p.m.

Fany: just bcuz you suddenly spam me with messages doesnt mean i wont see the first one

Fany: now let me get this out of the way bcuz we had a deal

Fany: my cousin molested me when i was 8

Fany: that’s done

Fany: ing youre telling me that youre in love with me NOW

Fany: i cant believe you ing said that when we’re thousands of ing miles away from each other

Fany: i cannot ing deal with you right now

Sent at 10:02 p.m.

Tae: That bastard touched you?! When you were ing 8?!?

Sent at 10:02 p.m.

Fany: omg i cannot ing talk to you right now

Fany: these two things cant be spoken about with just instant message

Sent at 10:05 p.m.

Tae: Tiffany you’re not letting me explain myself though.

Sent at 10:05 p.m.

Fany: i dont want you to explain yourself

Fany: not right now anyway

Sent at 10:07 p.m.

Tae: Tiffany Hwang..

Sent at 10:08 p.m.

Fany: kim taeyeon

Fany: i am not getting into this conversation with you through fb messaging

Fany: i will talk to you when I get home instead of dropping bombs over the internet lik what youre doing

Fany: i knew you were hard to crack and shy but seriously ?

Fany: i cant believe you rn

Sent at 10:19 p.m.

Tae: …

Tae: I’m sorry

Sent at 10:20 p.m.

Fany: i dont want your apology over the ing internet as well

Fany: the next time i talk to you will be when i’m in arms distance of you

Fany: we’ll deal with all of this bull then

Sent at 10:24 p.m.

Tae: When are you coming back?

Sent at 10:24 p.m.

Fany: in one week

Fany: our flight lands at 2 pm if youre wondering

Sent at 10:27 p.m.

Tae: I’ll be at the airport waiting for you guys.

Tae: I’ll help you unpack or whatever and we can head to the park if you want to.

Sent at 10:28 p.m.

Fany: i will talk to you then

The air is out of me.

My heart has stopped pounding.

I have forgotten how to spell a single word in the English language.

Heads are spinning, and I don’t recognize my surroundings.

Certainly, I’m out of my own body.

Time is at a standstill, but my fingers cannot stay still.

Every fiber of my being quakes in fear.

That’s what I get for living in the spur of the moment.

Can you feel it?

What are you thinking?

Did you expect it?

Will you accept it or reject it?

I wish I knew what you were thinking.

I wouldn’t be on the brink of madness if I did.

But maybe you’re going insane too.  

After all, I dropped a bomb through the internet.

And like Enola Gay, all I left was debris.

I feel empty, yet burdened.

What about you?

How do you feel?