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{19}

I didn’t care why I was being pulled out of sixth period, I didn’t want to do Romeo and Juliet anyways, I was out of there! I hurriedly packed my bags while my classmates shouted out their farewells. I wasn’t really that close with anyone other than Tiffany, but I liked to be friendly with my peers. Especially those in Mr. An’s class, we were so comfortable in there. I waved to my teacher and stepped out of the classroom. I also waved to Tiffany to signal that I was getting out early for an unknown reason and walked in the direction of the main office after she spotted me. As I stepped across the commons I noticed that Mom, Jiwoong, and Hayeon were all in the office. Oh my God, she called all three of us out of school. What is happening? I didn’t think I did anything wrong, but I was nervous. I opened up the door and my mother turned around leaving me shocked. Her face was tear streaked with a sad smile gracing her lips. My mom was crying, what the absolute heck is going on?! “Hi Mom…” I wasn’t sure what to say but I went up and gave her a quick hug. I never liked hugs, but she was crying, I couldn’t just stand there.

“Mom, we’re all here, can you tell us the news now?” Jiwoong implored, standing up and straightening out his school’s diamond vest.

“In the car, let’s go home.” Home? She got us out of school just to go home? There was something really wrong. The three of us all set our backpacks in the trunk of our mother’s white Honda and took our seats. Hayeon rode shotgun while Jiwoong and I sat next to each other. A couple minutes into the car ride our mother took a deep, tired breath. “When we get home pack your bags for three days, we’re going to Oregon. Your father already left, we’ll meet him there,” she informed us. Oregon? Oh dear, what’s going on in our family now? Most of my cousins lived in Oregon, every time there was a holiday, birthday, or other festive event we had to drive over to the beaver state. “And…pack a nice black outfit.”

“Black? Who died?” Hayeon immediately asked and I blinked. Oh my God another one died. Let’s see, who’s been sick recently? Hm, no one seemed too ill the last time we saw them, but Uncle Sooyoung has been smoking too much…suddenly our mom let out a quiet cry, the kind that people who try to hide their tears make, and covered with her hand. From the rearview mirror I could see how the lines of water cascaded down her beet red face. It was hard watching my mom look so upset; I didn’t want anyone in my family to look like that. She collected herself by the time we got home and parked the car. No one made a move for their backpack; we simply waited until she opened again.

“I’m sorry kids, Yuri’s dead.”

I thought I was having a panic attack with this out of body feeling. I don’t even know how I managed to drag myself to my room and start putting in clothes. My cousin is dead. I repeated those words in my head until it finally set in; by this time all I needed was the black outfit. Tears pooled in my eyes as I looked for my black slacks, black socks, and a black dress shirt. I couldn’t hold it back when I finally zipped up my bag with the outfit already in. Yuri is dead. I wasn’t awfully close with my cousins, mainly because they lived in a different state, but whenever we were together it was like we saw each other yesterday. Yuri was smart, she was athletic, she was popular, she was nice, she was funny, and she had so much potential for so many great things. But before she was a star pupil she was my blood, someone who I grew up with, and that hurt the most. I silently let my tears drip onto my suitcase and held my bottom lip between my teeth so I wouldn’t break out into sobs. I loved my cousins, I loved Yuri. It didn’t matter how many times I saw her in a year I loved my tall, tan cousin. How will the family function without you Yuri-ah?

My dad was the driver of the family, he was fast and I think he only obeyed speed limits when his eyes found a police car or an undercover one. My mom was a leisure driver which made things a little more relaxing so Jiwoong hooked up his iPod and played songs. He insisted it was on shuffle, but only ballads would play. I only thought of my memories with Yuri, but the music somehow eased my pain. The car was so depressing though, when finally; a more uplifting song caught my ears. Smile Again, by the YG group Winner. I liked Team B better, but A wasn’t that bad. With tears in my eyes I sang along, stopping after the lead vocalist’s part for Jiwoong and Hayeon to pick up the rest of the singing verse. I smiled a little. My siblings had nice voices, but mine was lower than theirs so I took the low voiced parts. The chorus got me bouncing back and forth in my seat, bumping shoulders with Jiwoong while Hayeon started screaming in the passenger seat. I got goose bumps when I sang with both of my siblings, it sounds weird, but the feeling really does give me a smile. It’s one of those times where I feel like being a singer is all I can be.

Jiwoong laid passed out on the tanned couch when we arrived at our aunt’s, Hayeon was sleeping with Hyoyeon in one of the very many guest rooms, but Sunny and I were still awake. We cried a lot, she was a loud crier, and so she had to bury her face into my shoulder. I gently closed my eyes and let the tears burn their way through my eyelids. I couldn’t focus at all, I just knew how to cry and feel pain. My heart throbbed as Sunny buried herself into my side, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. I couldn’t cry like her, no matter how much I wanted to, I had to be strong right now. “I miss her Taeng,” she sobbed and my nostrils flared in pain. I creased my eyebrows and nodded.

“I miss her too.” Yuri had been missing for the past two days after getting into a fight with her parents. She supposedly snuck out of the house during the night and ran off. The family over here went crazy looking for her, until the police reported that what was left of her body was found next to the train tracks earlier today. No one knew why she went there, of all ing places, to be run over by a train. No one knew if it was an accident or suicide or if she was under the influence of anything. No one knew anything about why she died and it was hard to not have any closure. I don’t even remember the last thing I said to my cousin. “We have to sleep, Sun…the service is tomorrow,” I wiped away my puffy eyes but she made no move to get up. Sunny we have to stay strong right now, we can’t break.

“I d-don’t want to go to th-the service tomorrow,” she hiccupped and I gently brushed her hair down. Her tears dripped down my neck and soaked into my shirt but I didn’t care, because some of them were my tears too.

“We should sleep though,” I said and leaned my shorter cousin against the couch while I grabbed a blanket.

“Taeng, don’t ever leave,” Sunny mumbled and I stopped in mid-step. Does she think we’ll all just disappear right now? It was something else, because usually she was hyper and bubbly. Full of smiles that left others smiling and causing trouble the way everyone else in my family did. Sadness was given in small yet strong doses when it came to my relatives.

“I won’t leave, not yet,” I sighed and sat back down next to her, draping the blanket over our tired, sad bodies before turning off the TV. “We’ll get through it, I’ll help everyone if I have to.” Everywhere I went I was the one who had too tough through it. My face could hide my emotions and so I wanted to help those who couldn’t hide it as well. “Good night, Sun.”

“Good night, Taeng.”

I woke up first amongst the cousins and woke each of them up one after the other. There were few words exchanged between everyone, we simply got ready and changed into our clothes. I sighed deeply, looking at myself in the mirror, jet black clothes contrasting with our paler complexion. This doesn’t look right. Nothing seemed right at the moment. The clothes, the attitude, the tears, the depression, this was not my family. “Taeng, come on, I’m taking the cousin car,” Jiwoong said, dressed in a formal all black suit that included a vest, tie, shirt, and slacks. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was limp, could he even drive a car?

“Alright, let’s go,” I breathed and slipped in my wallet while jogging down the stairs to the front door. Hyoyeon and Hayeon seemed well-rested, but nonetheless, they also seemed drained.

“Everyone else is already there, Jinkyu, Eunkyu, and Mingu will go with the other adults,” Jiwoong informed and I nodded in acknowledgement.  Jinkyu and Eunkyu were Sunny’s older sisters, but they’re already in their twenties and considered adults, same thing with Hyoyeon and her brother Mingu. The car we all piled in was unusually quiet even with the five of us inside. It was agonizingly uncomfortable. To ignore the silence I plugged in my headphones and allowed Hyoyeon to lean her head on my shoulder. Yuri, please make the service go easy on us.

But funerals were never easy. Some people have never attended a funeral before, whereas I’ve been to seven funerals in my lifetime. At mass, the chapel was beautiful. There were two stories with dark wooden pews lining them. The walls were large and white and behind the altar there was a colorful glass mosaic of Jesus. Even with its impressive size, my family alone filled up half the seats. Yuri’s friends occupied many of the other pews. I was shocked at the number of lives Yuri’s touched.  It was incredible. With all of the tears and snot around me I was shocked that I could stare at my cousin’s deathbed without shedding a single tear. I was very proud of myself. Until Hyoyeon’s mother started talking. “I remember the very day Yuri was born, she was always teased by her relatives for being a little darker but she never cared,” I smiled at my aunt’s words. “She was such a kind spirit, never caring about negatives, and working her hardest. God she was such a blessing to our family. It’s hard to think that she won’t be in our lives anymore…” she was crying at this point. “She was too young; she wasn’t supposed to be ready to pass on yet. All of you kids, I hope you’ll never pull such a stupid stunt like your cousin did. Leaving is not the answer, it’s being cowardly.” My tears started spilling over my cheeks, dripping down my chest and my lips trembled. How can you say that Yuri was a coward?! How can you call your niece stupid after she’s dead, when you’re staring directly at her closed coffin?! I was so angry I wasn’t sure if these tears were burning of sorrow or rage.

“Yuri was not a coward,” I growled and turned to face her. Usually I would let it slide, but I was so emotionally unstable right now. With glassy eyes we faced each other, from what I could see out of my own eyes.

“She was also hot-headed; I guess she influenced the others.” Hyoyeon’s mom wasn’t a bad person, she was nice, but during stressful times she got abrasive. Whereas during stressful times I got frustrated and when I get frustrated, I cry.

“I will not let you speak about my cousin that way! Not when she’s right there, being taken out of the church to be frigging buried!” I barked and Hayeon, who stood between us, rested her hands on my shoulders. She brought me down to my feet but my face was already uncomfortably hot.

“Taeng, come on, it’s okay let’s just calm down,” my little sister whispered. How can you let this slide? I knew what kind of person my cousin was. The adults thought they had everyone figured out, but they really had no idea. I harshly took my body out of her grasp and started walking out of the church.

“Taeyeon! Where are you going?!” I went out the back door so I didn’t have to see them carrying her body into the hearse. I knew where she would be buried, I wouldn’t miss it.

I can’t believe you just ran out of there. My veins were pumping with adrenaline, my heart screamed against my chest and my cheeks were flushed. My hair was swept back from the wind as I ran. I felt so alive. I looked up at the gray sky and smiled like a total idiot, running my fingers through my hair and looked around where I was. I nearly ran my way to the cemetery, right now I was next to a flower shop. Fitting for where I’m headed, I have money; I think I’ll get Yuri something. I stepped into the store and was hit with the strong floral scent. It was sweet and powerful, I looked around with Yuri in mind. I wasn’t sure of her favorite flower, so I decided I would go something off of my gut. I walked up to the counter and pointed towards a few red and white roses. “Can I have red and white roses together in one bouquet?” I requested and the lady at the counter nodded.

“It’ll be $50 even.” The great thing about Oregon is that there’s no sales tax. The prices are as is, no extra work or math. It was awesome. I pulled out the remaining bills in my wallet and handed them over to the woman, taking the bouquet with a polite smile.

“Thank you, I’m sure Yuri will like these,” I muttered and checked my iPod to see that the rest of her burial would start in 20 minutes. “Oh damn I’m gonna be late!” I hissed and burst through the door, careful not to hurt the flowers. With my adrenaline still set in I arrived at her tomb, only to meet face to back with the crowd of over 400 attendants dressed in black. “Holy .” I’ve never seen such a gigantic mass of people wearing black; I wondered again just how popular Yuri was.

“Taeng! Where have you been?! We’ve been looking all over for you!” Sunny grabbed my arm and I sighed deeply.

“Hey, I’m here now okay? Let me just give Yuri these flowers and then we can go eat,” I told her and stepped forward, but I wish I hadn’t. As I approached the white coffin I saw Yuri’s mother laying over the contraption, crying like there was no tomorrow. I’ve never seen her so devastated. She must feel awful.

“Yuri-ah, just wait for Mom okay? J-just wait a little longer, I’ll be there!” she wailed and the tears escaped my eyes again. I looked away. I didn’t want to look at her as she was so vulnerable. Suddenly I felt a head resting on my shoulder, I looked to the side and noticed I had no idea who this girl was, but she was crying really hard. My heart was aching and turning down this girl just didn’t seem right, so I let her stay there until she realized what she was doing on a stranger’s shoulder.

“I-I’m sorry,” she backed away but I shook my head.

“It’s fine, I understand. It’s a tough scene,” I sighed and saw Uncle Kwon and Hyukjun, Yuri’s brother, taking Auntie Kwon by the arms and dragging her away from the closed coffin. There is no closure; we can’t even see her body because the police deemed it too gruesome for public viewing. She must miss her so much.

“Yuri! YURI COME BACK! PLEASE!” she screamed and my tears burned in my eyes. I cupped my hand over my eyes as the water pooled in between my fingers. The girl’s head fell against my shoulder again and we both cried. Who is this girl? I don’t like anyone touching me, but I don’t even know this girl’s name and she’s crying on my shoulder. I waited a good five minutes before taking my hand away, when my aunt’s cries were softer, and things became a little calmer.

“I’m so-sorry for y-your loss,” the girl stuttered and lifted her head, holding her hand in front of her face shyly. I smiled a little, because this girl was kinda cute, and I took out a white rose from the collection of flowers. My family members were stepping up and throwing their flowers onto the lowering casket which was a tradition in our family. Throw them the flowers they’ve earned and it really does help with moving on.

“Take this, throw it onto the coffin, it’s a thing we do,” I informed her and she gently took the rose. She stared at it adorably, her eyes were pretty and she was really cute even if she was upset. I led the girl up to the hole and closed my eyes, holding the bouquet up to my lips. Yuri, I never really said I loved you, but trust me I do. It’s hard to watch our family cry, to watch your friends cry, and I’m not sure how family functions will be the same without you. These red roses represent the love and respect I have for you as my blood relative, the white represents the purity and youth you had when you died, but the mix of white and red is pink. A darker pink signifies gratitude whilst the lighter shade can stand for happiness. I promise to try and make people happy even if you’re gone, starting with this friend of yours next to me. I opened one eye and noticed the girl was still standing there, in fact, repeating my actions with her single rose. I smiled a bit. No matter how adorable your friend is, Tiffany will always be in my heart. Please watch over us and thank you for never using gender based pronouns. I took a deep breath and dropped the flowers to fall onto her casket. Moments later the stranger did the same.

“Thank you,” she mumbled and I nodded.

“Yuri wouldn’t want us to be so sad,” I gently patted her shoulder and she nodded as we separated paths. No matter how curious I was, I didn’t want to get too close with a girl who was in a different state. I didn’t want to get close with anyone new right now; this is all I can handle when it comes to losing people.