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{37}

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t read the poem I had produced for my English final. I sat down in front of the class and tried to calm my nerves by gently placing my hand over my frantically beating heart. This is not my school year, this is Tiffany. These words are for Tiffany. It could easily be interpreted as my school year, but only Xiumin would understand the true meaning. For what felt like forever I opened my mouth and began to read the first line, at the start my breath was a little shaky. Tiffany, Tiffany’s in front of you, say this to her. I looked up and imagined the girl sitting right in front of me, waiting to listen. And then it hit me like a train. I can’t say this to Tiffany I don’t have the strength to. I leaned back and felt hot tears cutting off my words. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t speak; I pressed my hand against my eyes and cried into my palm. The pressure in the classroom suffocated me, adding onto the reason why I couldn’t stop myself. “Taeyeon, it’s okay, take your time.” Mr. An suddenly spoke softly beside me, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t like crying, I hated it, but I was emotional and I couldn’t help it. I felt tissues be pushed into my open hand and quickly wiped my eyes, more upset with myself. “I can read the rest if you want me.”

“No, I want to,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady.

“I think that’s really big of you, Taeyeon, I’m impressed,” my English teacher said, but a part of me knew I wouldn’t be able to read anymore. Once I started crying, I don’t think I could stop it anytime soon. It took many long moments before I finally gave up and pushed the paper over to Mr. An. “I understand,” he whispered and read my poem for me. I stood up and threw away the tissues once he finished reading. I wanted to run out of that room, I swept my hands through my hair and grabbed the door handle but I couldn’t just burst out of the room even if I was the last one to present.

“Taeyeon.” I leaned my hands against the wall and cried in the corner, my back facing the rest of the students. I thought you were stronger than this. The bell finally rang and I heard everyone leaving the room, expressing their gratitude that finals were over for the day. “That was an amazing poem,” Xiumin patted my shoulder twice before I felt his footsteps quiet down. Even when everyone left I was still in my corner, sobbing for a reason I wasn’t even sure of. It might’ve been easier to write about Tiffany, but I should’ve thought about the reading part. I couldn’t even tell Tiffany anything about the poem, why would I pour my heart out for people I didn’t trust? I was just upset with myself for not having the strength.

“Gosh Taeyeon,” a girl sighed from behind me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. The sound of her voice forced more tears to seep through my eyes. My hands balled into fists against the plaster. “Don’t cry, you don’t have to cry.” Her arms moved to my waist and I took a deep breath, feeling easier with her support and yet longing for another.

“Where’s Tiffany, Sica?”

“She left, Taeng…”

It took me many minutes to stop crying and some more to calm myself down. I hated making a scene, and honestly, it was embarrassing to cry that much in front of so many people. Instead of going home straight away, since we were released early, I hung out with Jessica at the bleachers. I figured that Tiffany probably slipped away with Bora and their other friends, so I was relatively worried about her. A part of me was hurt, I admit, I was in a really sensitive state and when I needed Tiffany she wasn’t there for me. It was unsettling to think that. “What was the poem about?” Jessica asked me and I looked up to the sky.

“School,” I replied, which was about half true. “I don’t even know why I cried so much. They were unnecessary tears.”

“No they weren’t, why do you keep hiding your pain from everyone?” she wondered, bluntly asking. I bit back a bitter smile. Why am I attracted to these types of people? I paused. I’m attracted to Jessica?

“My pain is a burden on others, it’s easier to keep it in,” I responded with a sigh, not really used to opening up about things other than with Tiffany.

“Not for you, doesn’t it hurt a lot? I know I was hurting, especially with Yuri,” Jessica mumbled and I nodded with a shrug.

“A lot, but that’s okay. I’m fine with it being like that,” I said.

“Mm, I guess, talk it out with someone though. You just might crack,” she advised and I hummed.

“I can hold on a little longer, the poem kinda helped,” I admitted and Jessica raised an eyebrow.

“Can I read it?” she wondered and I nodded without hesitation, pulling out the two pieces of paper and handed them to her. I glanced at her expression, seeing that she in fact had a lot more expression while reading my work unlike Xiumin’s poker face. She frowned, kept a straight face, and smiled a little throughout the poem. “I love it, how’d you get it to be like that?” she asked, handing it back for me to put back into my backpack. I sighed.

“I just had to think of a person, and it came to me easily,” I revealed.

“Aw, did you think of me Taeyeon?” she smirked and I chuckled.

“Oh yeah, I totally thought of you,” I nodded with a playful smile and she pretended to tear up.

“I’m so touched, Taeng,” she said and I laughed. It was nice of her to joke around, but I’m sure she knew just exactly who the poem was addressed to.

When I got home I didn’t speak about what happened that day, I simply studied for my next final exam and stayed quiet. I didn’t like appearing weak to anyone, especially my family. I learned I was kind of distant with my parents, but when it came to my siblings they thought I cried too much so I didn’t want to talk to them about what happened. “Think you did well on your English final?” Jiwoong asked me during dinner and I cleared my throat. Luckily, our parents and grandparents had already finished eating.

“Yeah, I think I did pretty well.” Even if I couldn’t read the entire thing, I know the content of my poem surpassed what Mr. An expected. I thought I deserved a good grade.

“You didn’t come home straight away,” he noted and I nodded.

“Did you hang out with Tiffany?” Hayeon guessed and I shook my head.

“No, Jessica,” I said.

“Oh…Yuri’s Jessica?” I shivered slightly but nodded once more. “You shared the room with her right?” Oh, those two sentences sounded weird together.

“Yeah, we just talked a bit,” I shrugged.

“What happened to Tiffany?” Ji wondered.

“Don’t know, she left right after finals,” I quipped and realized that might’ve sounded a little too harsh. The two didn’t seem to notice and I cleaned the table off before they could. As I set dirty dishes in the sink, multiple doorbell sounds came from the front door and I frowned. Who locked themselves outside? “Yeonie, get the door.”

“I got it,” she sighed and walked to the front of the house. I heard the door creak open. “Tiffany?!” my head shot up. Why is she here? I looked over and saw the flushed girl throwing away her shoes before running towards me.

“Fany-ah!” I scooped her up as she ran into me, buried her head in my chest, and tightened her thighs around my waist.

“Jessica texted me like 10 minutes ago, I ran here,” she gasped into my neck, breathing hard with her heart beating irregularly fast. Hearing that made me feel good, it made me feel like she really didn’t know and she was so worried about me. I loved feeling cared about.

“Can you two leave us alone for a minute?” I asked my siblings and Jiwoong directed Hayeon upstairs. I carried Tiffany over to the couch and sat both of us down. “Where were you?” I don’t think she knows how much I care about her, how much she worries me. I don’t think she has yet to understand the amount of love I have for her.

“Why were you crying so badly?” she asked back and I took a deep breath, not feeling well after I caught the smell of burnt leaves and saw her bloodshot eyes. She did not. I clenched my hand into a fist until I felt my nails dig into my skin.

“You’ve been smoking ,” I grumbled and she slightly poked her lower lip out, as if it would help.

“TaeTae…”

“Come on,” I muttered and grabbed her wrist, pulling her outside where there was a slight breeze. Hopefully that’ll help with the scent. “Tiffany you still smell like ing weed and your eyes are red! Why did you come over here? My parents could’ve been around!” I scolded as she fumbled with her fingers. I hated it when she went out and did things like that. I can’t believe her. “Why do you still do this? We’ve been over this! Why do you blaze?!”

“Calm down, it was only my second time,” she muttered but that did not help at all.

“So why a second time, Tiffany?” I asked her and she looked up at me with big eyes. Don’t crack.

“Because when you’re high you’re happy…I-it’s nothing, please, I don’t want to talk about it,” she said and I felt the anger inside of me vibrate throughout my whole body. I had the urge to punch something but there was nothing to punch in a short distance so I kicked a rock over my fence.

“Dammit! Ugh, fine. Fine! I won’t ask,” I raked my fingers through my hair with my rage burning in my face.

“Yah! Now you tell me why you were crying so much! That’s the reason why I busted my running over here!” she tugged on my sleeve and I frowned, still upset with her.

“Let go of me,” I pouted and she sighed, pulling me into a tight hug. She squeezed me tightly and kissed my cheek lovingly. I gulped but didn’t attempt to escape. You’re enjoying this way too much. “A guy read his poem before me and it was really sad so I cried a lot.” It wasn’t a lie. I did cry a lot before reading my own work, but it wasn’t the main purpose for the sobbing I had done after school.

“I’m sorry, Taeyeon, for not being there…and for smoking again,” she mumbled and buried her face in the crook of my neck. All of my anger dissipated with that one little touch, and I hated how easily I could forgive her. “Please forgive me, TaeTae. I swear I won’t do it again,” she insisted, holding my hips and gently pressing her lips on my neck. I felt the shock in my nerves escalate and I quickly slipped out of her grasp in order to calm myself down.

“O-okay, I forgive you.” Dammit you just stuttered! Why can’t anything go your way?! “But my parents still can’t know you’re a little high, sit down. I’ll get you water and some fruit,” I told her and ran inside, snatching bottled water along with an apple and banana.

“Why the water and fruit?” Tiffany asked as I opened the bottle for her.

“Water to flush the chemicals from your system and fruit to limit the long term effects,” I sighed and watched her drink and eat. I looked up to make sure that the others were asleep. Sure enough, the lights were all out. “Sleep here tonight; I don’t want you traveling in the dark.”

“Alright, have clothes for me tomorrow?” she munched on the apple and I nodded.

“I’ll throw your clothes in the wash when I can,” I added and Tiffany smiled at me.

“I love you so much,” she sighed and kissed my cheek, causing me to smile back at her.

“I love you too, take care of yourself better.”

“I will.”