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{40}

It was late when I came home so I simply set my bag beside my bed and crawled under the blankets. I’ll read my yearbook later. I was too tired and I just wanted to sleep so I could wake up late and not have to get out of bed until 10 in the morning. I woke up at 9 o’ clock to a Facebook message from Tiffany, asking if we could hang out at my house later. I smiled a little bit. This is the way I want to always wake up. I sighed as I replied with approval. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, feeling my heart beat as I remembered last night. I should’ve done it; I could get rid of this feeling. I should’ve spoken faster. I stuttered so much! I rubbed my eyes tiredly and looked at my iPod. How will you react? What will you say? Would you even consider being with me? I stepped out of bed and brushed my teeth before I went downstairs to have breakfast with my siblings. Everyone worked during the summer but I didn’t care. “Morning Taeng.”

“Morning Ji, Yeonie,” I replied and sat down at the table while Jiwoong handed me a plate of over-easy styled eggs.

“What time did you come home? You woke me up,” Hayeon frowned and I smiled.

“Sorry, it was like 11 o’ clock last night. I walked from Tiffany’s house,” I told them.

“Dude that’s a really long walk. I’m surprised you aren’t dead,” Jiwoong whistled and I rolled my eyes.

“Tiffany’s gonna sleep over today too,” I added.

“Great, Mom and Dad are working late and the grandparents are out gambling with their friends so it’ll be the four of us,” my older brother stated and for some reason I felt better knowing that the house would be close to empty tonight.

“Maybe I can actually get some sleep,” Hayeon breathed and I smiled at her. I was the child who got up and down the stairs the fastest and earliest. Jiwoong was rather hard to pull out of bed and he slept in late a lot of times. Hayeon woke up early, but she’s lazy, and would take up to three hours just listening to music or staying in bed before getting up. We were truly different amongst the three of us.

“You’ve been sleeping for days, practically,” Jiwoong told her and she scoffed.

“Whatever, I pretend to sleep! You listen to your tracks so loudly, I can hear you from down the hall!” our youngest insisted, causing Jiwoong to roll his eyes and stand up from the table.

“At least I have a passion for something, unlike you,” he retorted and I placed my hand to my forehead, groaning a bit.

“I don’t have to earn my own money! I’ll marry into it, like all wealthy trophy wives!” she said confidently and I found myself smiling. They’re so stupid. But I was slightly worried about my younger sister. She’s been saying all of these years she’d move in with me or marry a good looking rich guy. I was a bit upset that she had no drive whatsoever. She disliked school and the people inside. The only thing she seemed to remotely like was Choir.

“Can’t you just go to school and do something? Anything? I want you to have your own career, make your own money at least,” I sighed as she looked back at me.

“I don’t want to do anything, I don’t need to anyways,” she shrugged and apparently the conversation was concluded with that. Speaking of careers, I hadn’t heard much about Jiwoong and where he would be furthering his studies, if he even wanted to. He became very discreet in topics including education.

“I’m not even going to deal with you right now,” Jiwoong decided with an exhale and ran up to his room.

“Yah, you don’t have to deal with me!” Hayeon shouted up at him, earning a lazy wave in return. She sighed. “So, you said Tiffany’s sleeping over again?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“You know I don’t like her,” she replied and I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t know why, but I like her, and I plan to be friends with her for as long as I possibly can. Just because you give me your opinion not backed up by any information doesn’t mean I’m not going to stop talking to Tiffany,” I said and my little sister frowned.

“I told you, I don’t like the vibe she gives off. She’s mean,” she stated.

“She’s blunt, I already said it, you’re like her! It’s just a personality that comes off as abrasive if you don’t try to get to know her,” I insisted, feeling somewhat ticked that my little sister still couldn’t feel accepting towards my secret love. Hayeon held up her hands.

“Just saying, no need to compare us,” she said as the doorbell rang and stood up. “I’ll get it.” If things worked out well between Tiffany and I, how would everyone else react? I had been so focused on the thought of telling Tiffany my feelings, I never really thought of what my relatives or friends would say.

“TaeTae!” Tiffany’s arms wrapped around my neck and I felt her lips touch my cheek. I looked back and smiled at her. “Morning.”

“Morning Hun, did you sleep well?” I asked her and she nodded cutely.

“Did you read any of the messages in your yearbook yet?” she nudged me and I shook my head. “Come on! Let’s read them together!” she jumped up excitedly, tugging on my arm. I noticed Hayeon roll her eyes before falling on the couch and pulling out her phone. Must be her teenage mood swings. Before I knew it I was dragged up the stairs by Tiffany as she pulled out my hard covered book. Honestly, more than half of the people that signed my yearbook I hadn’t had more than 4-5 conversations with. I liked to think that I could get along well with anyone, despite my slightly awkward nature. As I opened up my yearbook, the front cover’s insides were decorated with paragraphs of colorful writing.

“Taeyeon you ing Kim, of all people I was thought to be related to you???! We don’t even look alike for God’s sake!! But…I guess you’re not all that bad after more than 5 yrs. of knowing you…you’re pretty cool now that I think of it. Don’t think I forgave you after hitting me with a sack of quarters though. I’ll get you back after this summer, Tae -.-

Forever Love,

Kim ing Jonghyun.”

“What an idiot,” I scoffed as I read his message but there was no doubt a sense of happiness inside of me. I’ve known him for a while, we started elementary band together. Out of all the percussionists, I’ve known him the longest.

“You guys are close, I assume this is the closest thing he’s gotten to being sweet,” Tiffany guessed.

“You’re pretty much right,” I chuckled and scanned through the next few messages.

“To TaeTae the Rainbow Skipping Deer, your writing’s pretty neat. We could use it to be the last two survivors of Mr. An’s sixth period class, along with our badass nun-chuck skills. I hope that things work out over the summer and you’ll be so flipping happy you won’t be able to contain it.

Stay strong pony boy,

Xiumin :D”

I’m going to kill this guy the second I see him. “Oh my God, Xiumin’s so weird, why are you friends with him?” Tiffany laughed as I rolled my eyes. He had to add the rainbows.

“He better hope we don’t have any classes next year,” I mumbled and she looped her arm through mine as I flipped through pages.

“Then I hope I have one with him,” she grinned and I rolled my eyes again.

“TAEYEON. You’re so smart and great at drumming how could you do this to me L girls aren’t supposed to be that good at percussion dammit. I still want to know what you think about when you doze off all day in class. Rest up and stuff on your time off, I’ll get better than you over the summer I PROMISE.

–Wooyoungie.”

“There are days I think Wooyoung might like you,” Tiffany confessed and I glanced at her. Jeez, these rumors.

“Maybe, but I’m not interested. I’ve known him too long to think of him as something else,” I shrugged. Sure, I think the best relationships come from the best friendships, but I feel like that window for Wooyoung and I to start dating had closed a long time ago. There was no reason for us to suddenly start liking each other. Tiffany and I, on the other hand, somehow kept that window slightly parted no matter how close it was to shutting off.

“Mm, I feel like you’d be such a heartbreaker TaeTae,” my best friend sighed and I smiled, slightly bitter. I know I’m a heartbreaker; I broke yours at one point didn’t I? Dammit I really need to say something. I purposely skipped pages where Jessica and other people Tiffany didn’t like associating with me and ended up on the back cover where I noticed Mr. An’s writing, all caps in black sharpie. I saw this the other night.

“YOU ARE ONE OF THE STRONGEST MINDS AND SWEETEST HEARTS I HAVE HAD THE HONOR OF GETTING TO KNOW. BEING IN LOVE, MAKES THE MIND CREATIVE, DON’T YOU THINK? KEEP WALKING DOWN THAT PATH…MAKE IT YOURS.

                                                                                                                        BEST,

 –AN.”

And I don’t know why but I started crying, reading what my teacher had wrote for me. It was dumb to bawl, it wasn’t sad or particularly anything spectacular, but it was sincere and heartwarming all the same. I just had to cry, the thankfulness and strength that he and his class gave me. “Aw, Tae,” Tiffany chuckled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder while I buried my tears into her neck. “He’s so nice.”

“He is…” I agreed and quickly wiped my eyes, unsure of why I began shedding tears in the first place. Until I read back and my eyes pointed out the obvious “being in love” line. Holy did he figure out my inspiration?! I quickly closed the book and set it aside. “I’m gonna miss being in his class.”

“I know, he was such a fun teacher too. I feel like all of our good years are behind us,” Tiffany crossed her arms and leaned her head on my shoulder. Did she read that message yesterday? Dear God I hope not, she might connect the dots since I already said the poem was written for her. But I nearly confessed yesterday, so, do I want her to know? I could’ve punched myself right then and there.  

“No, our good years aren’t even here yet, Fany-ah. I promise you that,” I assured and she sighed.

“I want them to hurry up and come knocking on our door. I wanna get out of here, get away from here,” she breathed against my neck and held onto my arm.

“But that means we have to get older, and grow up,” I reminded and she made a whining noise that was absolutely adorable. My heart thumped.

“Why does life have to be a ?” she asked and I smiled, patting her head with the hand that wasn’t trapped. It is a .

“Because there’s always that one girl in life that makes you want to kill yourself, who’s so unrealistically bothersome, and if she’s not present as a person she’s present within you,” I replied as Tiffany stared at me.

“How do you think of that stuff? Seriously,” she scoffed and I smiled.

“Jessica said I had talent.” She didn’t just say it, she wrote it in my yearbook…a whole freaking page actually.

“You do, you’re honestly really good,” she stated confidently and I felt my pride become a little larger. I took things to heart from people who I respected or who I cared for. Tiffany was on the top of both of these lists.

“Thank you,” I smiled at her.

“Don’t get a big head now, or I’ll just have to bring it down to size.”

“I’ll just say fine because I really don’t want to know what that means.”

Tiffany and I spent the day talking about the humidity and cheapness of Asian countries until we had passed out at the topic of my global relatives. Throughout the hours my mind had honestly been half awake, concentrating on my emotions and how my heart reacted. I love Tiffany with all of my heart, all of myself. It was scary, I was so vulnerable, and she was basically my world. I thought about how much I loved her when I received a light kiss on the cheek as she departed from my house with her sister driving in the morning. I noticed Michelle giving Tiff two thumbs and heard a whine of protest from the latter. I chuckled and walked back into my house. I debated whether to go upstairs or not. I was afraid of what I’d do up there. But without another thought I raced up the stairs and sat down at my laptop. Immediately I typed a six letter phrase into a message box that would drastically change the course of my life, no thoughts necessary.

“I’m in love with you Tiffany…”

But I decided against it.

I’m drowning, yet I can breathe.

I’m floating, yet the weight presses onto my shoulders.

I’m made of steel, but I have dents in my armor. 

I’m in love, but my heart hurts.

How can you do this to me?

How can one person, with so many flaws and imperfections, do this to me?

I say I love it and I love you, but honestly it hurts so much.

I guess it’s my fault, falling into your clutches, and while I want to escape a part of me stays so I have to return over and over again.

It must be amusing to watch me squirm from the eyes of another.

You enjoy hearing my agonizing story as if it’s some drama, to see if I can go any further.

You jeer and yell and demand for these words to come out…but I’m afraid it’s easier said than done.

It’s not your fault; it’s mine, for even starting this love affair in the first place.

I only wanted the world to know how much I loved you; instead I feel disgraced.

But believe in me, even if I know you’ll reject me, even if I know you’ve moved on, even if I know what we have will never cross that line, just wait a little longer.

I will confess as if it’s the death of me.