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{11}

I say I don’t want to regret anything, yet here I am on my way to a road full of unwrapped wishes, opportunities never taken, actions never done, words never said, and emotions never accepted.  It , but I know I’ll regret so many things from my teenage years. I guess it’s impossible to be completely free of regrets in your life. I wish I could do what I wanted to do, and then there’d be no regrets. I wish society could be loving and fully accepting of people who were a little abnormal. I didn’t want to be plagued by this “dirty” love of mine. And yet to me it’s anything except dirty, if anything, they say your first love is the most memorable because of its purity. Loving Tiffany is probably the most passionate feeling I’ve ever experienced. It’s the strongest emotion I’ve ever encountered, on a number of levels. First loves are a huge deal. The first always seems like the original stem of love; it’s the unconditional love, the pure love, the passionate love, the best kind of love there is.

I thought I had actually made the right choice going over to my aunt’s house for Christmas. After all, it was family tradition, and it would get my mind off of Tiffany. But when I came back I was greeted with two things I didn’t think get in my way: Nichkhun and my disappearance. Now that school was back up and Tiffany and I were hanging out again that was all she could talk about. Over the break her group had practiced a lot at the Thai’s house, which was supposedly even bigger than mine. While I was gone she spent a lot of time with her dance friends, getting closer and more comfortable with people I didn’t want her to get close and comfortable with. “TaeTae are you even listening to me?” no, I don’t want to listen to you and your stories about that stupid guy.

“Mm,” I responded and she sighed, trying to fall back onto her train of thought.

“But seriously, TaeTae, did you have to go for the whole break? I was so bored being alone and Nichkhun was always busy whenever the group wasn’t practicing,” she frowned and I bit my bottom lip to hold back my shouting.

“You’ve gotten really close to him in only a couple of weeks,” I noted and she shrugged.

“He’s fun to talk to, even if we’re a bit awkward together at times, but he made the days brighter,” she confessed and I felt my heart sink a little lower. That was my job… But I said nothing about my discomfort. It was my fault for feeling this way.

“I see…well, I’m sorry I wasn’t here during winter break but you know how emotional my family gets during the holidays. I needed to be there for them; especially since I never get to see them anymore,” I looked at her and noticed she seemed a little guilty now. Good, maybe then you’ll feel a fraction of the pain I’m feeling. I gently shook my head; I shouldn’t be thinking that bitterly.

“You’re right, sorry Tae,” she mumbled and her pouting face was too cute to resist. I let out a deep breath and kissed her forehead tenderly. She smiled a little when I pulled away and for a moment I thought she liked my kisses.

“It’s fine. I know you also get a little protective of the people you love since there’s so little,” I joked and she scoffed.

“At least I love some people,” she crossed her arms and I copied her action.

“Like who?” I questioned.

“Like my sister, and my dog, and Bora, and you,” she nodded. “That’s it.” I laughed out loud. “I hate everything else,” she laughed with me and leaned against my body. In a way I was lucky that Tiffany still loved me so much. Tiffany had a natural hatred of people, they bothered her, but the few she did love she loved very much. I was glad I was still considered one of the people she genuinely loved, and that Nichkhun hadn’t made his way into that kind of territory just yet.  

“Well, someone’s a bitter woman,” I joked and she leaned over me, pinching my nose.

“Hey, shut up,” she grinned and I chuckled when she released my nose from her fingers. She seemed to have forgotten Nichkhun already, now it was just the two of us laughing at each other, the way I preferred it to be.

“How did I ever get to befriend someone like you?” I wondered aloud, resting my back against the arm of the couch as she leaned back against her own half so our feet rested against each other.

“I don’t even remember, we kinda started talking, and never stopped,” she shrugged and played with my feet childishly.

“We’re so different though, how did I end up being so easygoing with you?” I asked. How did you end up falling for me? How did I end up falling for you?

“You said we were both in a little bout of depression when we met, since we couldn’t judge each other we just talked about everything. But I liked that, and since I was comfortable it rubbed off on you,” she suggested with a grin and I smiled.

“True, we did talk excessively in the beginning,” I nodded and she smiled happily. “And I don’t regret it.” No matter the pain, the love, the powerful emotions you make me feel, I’ll always choose to meet you again and again. Even if it hurts to know you and to love you, I think it would hurt even more to not who to talk to when I needed it.

“Neither do I, I love you too much,” she smiled and crawled next to me so our bodies molded easily and comfortably. I sighed contentedly and wrapped my arms around her waist, enjoying our close proximity.

“I love you too.” I wonder how long it took you to fall in and out of love with me. Am I still in your heart? Was I ever in your heart? Do you suspect I might love you more than a best friend? Or are you too focused with Nichkhun on your mind?

“The way you talk to me confuses me sometimes,” Tiffany confessed and I raised an eyebrow, even if she couldn’t see it. I confuse you?!

“Why?” I asked simply and she sighed.

“Sometimes, I wonder if you love me as much as you say, because I don’t know,” she muttered and I breathed deeply. How can you even think like that?

“How can you even think like that?” I know I can get mad, upset, and overprotective with you. “I know I can get mad, upset, and overprotective with you,” but that’s because I care about you as much as I care about myself. “But that’s because I care about you as much as I care about myself.” Do you know how I use the word love? “Do you know how I use the word love?” It’s barely said, only saved for the people I truly love. “It’s barely said, only saved for the people I truly love.” And when I’m in love with someone, I fall hard. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you.”

“Ai, you are so cheesy I shouldn’t even have told you that,” she grumbled regrettably and I smiled half-heartedly. I wish I could tell you like you told me, but things are so different in my case.

“Love you,” I cooed and she leaned back against my chest.

“You too,” she rolled over and pecked my nose gently. My heart thudded suddenly and I closed my eyes while attempting to relax my tensed muscles, as if I were tired. “Sleep.”

“Mm,” I mumbled and she laid her head on my chest. For a moment I was afraid of her hearing how hard my heart was beating, but I calmed myself and just wrapped my arms around her a little tighter. Maybe if I embrace it, things will get easier. Maybe then, I can learn not to regret.

I wanted to test it, I wanted to test love. How can it do these things to people are as fortunate, or unfortunate, to fall into its trap? Why is it so complicated to understand? So, I decided that for a little while I’d embrace my love for Tiffany. Just so I know how it feels to be happily in love. The second I did, it felt amazing. Oh dear, I enjoyed the feeling way too much! Of course there was no better feeling to hold Tiffany close to me, but flirting with her was a close second. My best friend is dense when it comes to flirting, she can’t tell what’s happening unless you spell it out in black and white for her, but that was fine for me. It just meant I could tell her everything she wanted to hear without her getting suspicious. “I wanna try e,” Tiffany mumbled and I looked up from my laptop. E? As in like…ecstasy?! But of course not everything can be perfect.

“Over my dead body,” I responded and she sighed. I heard my bed creak and ruffle as she shifted.

“Just once, because, it’s supposed to feel really good,” she insisted and I swiveled my chair to look at her. “Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not, I’m just worried for you,” I said to her and crossed my arms. Tiffany always had to be curious about things like these, cigarettes and drugs.

“I wanna try it! It’s not like I’ll do it over and over again, I can do this,” she whined and I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t want you to take it, yeah, it’ll make you feel good but that’s it, Tiffany,” I snapped and she winced at her full name. I couldn’t really remember the last time I used her whole first name in an angry fashion.

“When I get a boyfriend, then I’ll take it. So don’t worry about it,” she offered but that only aggravated me further. Get away from this type of atmosphere; it’s so dark and sad.

“Well, someone as beautiful as you can’t possibly end up alone so I wouldn’t worry about it,” I stood up and saw her blushing furiously. Then, her hands came to her forehead as she groaned.

“Oh dear, you’re going to be the death of me,” she muttered and I laughed a little.

“Why?” I sat down on the edge of the bed when Tiffany looped her arms around my neck, pushing me down and grinning while her cheeks were still noticeably pink.

“Just…I love you, okay?” she kissed my face repeatedly and, instead of blushing like I would usually do, I just smiled like a dork.

“Ai, get off of me, do you know how much my dad will freak out if he sees lipstick stains all over my face?” I weakly pushed her body, but I wasn’t kidding. My dad never said he disliked gay people, but they weren’t necessarily people he had respect for. Whenever he wanted to joke around about some actor or pop star Hayeon was going crazy over, “gay” was the first word out of his mouth. To my father, it was an insult.

“Mm, that never stopped me from kissing you before. You’re just too cute to handle,” she teased and continued to gently peck my forehead and cheeks. I sighed but didn’t complain as she pressed her lips against my face. I enjoyed this turn of events in our conversation. I wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her into my lap as she left one last peck on my chin. I felt so good like this. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m just saying the truth,” I brushed her hair lightly and we both sighed. This feels like love…I felt light and beyond satisfied, my stomach wouldn’t stop doing all of these weird things, and even if I knew this couldn’t last forever I had a surge of hope. Hope that maybe everything will subside and I can love who I want to love. Right now, I wasn’t regretting anything, absolutely nothing.