beta Thanks to aenkr28

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Chapter 44

At the hospital, Heechul and Siwon were in the waiting area, waiting for the doctor to come and tell them Jaejoong’s condition worry concern was laced throught out them. “Jae… Jaejoong.” Heechul mumbled subconsciously. His mind was racing, “This is my fault.”

“Heechul…” Siwon scooted closer to hug his wife thought his wife wanted to pul away, but Siwon refused to allow him to go. “He’ll be alright.” Heechul gave in and allowed Siwon to comfort him even just a little. Too many times had they sat in a room similar to this. He though he held a brave face but he was crumbling insideand on the outside  Siwon knew it, their heads turned when they heard footsteps coming closer to their location. Donghae came into the room along with his grandfather; they had been out getting some fresh air. His eyes meet his mother, he saw the worry they had, the panic, and the terror. They all had the same though. 

A couple of hours into waiting the doctor came in and looked to both Heechul and Siwon, Siwon held Heechul hand just giving the little extra support he needed.

“How is my Grandson?” No one was able to say a word so Heechul’s father asked.

“His condition is stable for now, we are doing some blood works but we are giving him a course of blood at the moment,” He told them they were still running test but from what had come back. “His white blood count is 350,000.” Heechul closed his eyes when the result was read out his heart dropped. “It’s very high.” They didn’t need to be told that they knew already. He gave a minute for them to process that information.

“What about his platelet?” Siwon asked, he hadn’t notice any heavy bruise, but maybe they were just well hidden from eye side.

“Less than 60,000.”

“It’s…  leukaemia isn’t it?” Siwon felt Heechul’s squeeze his hand tightly as they asked.

“We can’t be sure not until we do some more test, it could be any from an untreated infection to server anemia, until we run more test, it would be best to not  assume the worst.”

“Can we see him?” heechul finally asked.

“Of course I’ll have a nurse take you to him.” They stood outside the door of a second, Heechul looked through the little door panel. There their son was, “You can go in when you’re ready.” He told Heechul who nodded he opened the door and walked in. Jaejoong’s head was facing the other direction. Heechul saw the blood hanging on the stand beside the bed, there was a tube running just below the nose giving a little bit of air. Jaejoong raise his hand to his eyes wiping them, he hadn’t seem to know they were in the room yet. Heechul walked closer onto the opposite side taking hold of Jaejoong hand, Jaejoong literally broke down when he saw his mother he sat up as Heechul pulled him into his arms allowing him to cry his eyes out. Heechul looked to his Siwon, they all knew…

It took a long time for Jaejoong to calm down. Heechul held his hand speaking to himself softly Jaejoong eyes were swollen and red.

****

Through the many times Jaejoong had been in hospital, he realised there were many different kinds of sleep, he realized that being drugged up to his eyes with pain relieve and fainting lead to very different types of sleep. When you faint, it is completely different sleep scent your consciousness is not pulled away from you, only that your body is trying to shut everything out. Trying to shut out so much that it forces itself to drift into sleep. With that said, shutting everything out means keeping everything in too, and Jaejoong had experienced that to many times. He wanted so badly to talk to someone Yunho, he felt so much guilt for what he was putting them through. He just wanted to cry his eyes out that’s what he was doing.

“Is it a relapse?” Jaejoong asked weakly who was he kiddy of course it was. He realised for the past week something was wrong yet he wasn't ready for it. He was alone at this moment the nurse had just left he looked around the room white wall surounding him he felt weary. His thoughts changed to his family, they must hold the same worried look they did before. Jaejoong knew when they appeared before him he wouldn't even feel like he had to ask. The same fear that he had every year return, he couldn't hide it anymore. He press back into the covers and close his eyes. Cancer is like a lurking demon, ready to start havoc at a moment notice to turn you're life upside down, it always lurk waiting for life to become prefect, so it could destroy it.

He realised he would have to go through the same treatments, repeating once all over again. It had happened twice already, he hated it. He can’t do it again would he survive... the third time. He didn't want to go back to the state if it was true, initial fear of having them all repeating again slowly winding inside him. He thought travel to the to the spinal injected and blood taken numerous times he’d have to endure. He's need a bone marrow transplant which no one in his family had they would have to look while he had to fight through chemo. Jaejoong curled up on the bed, careful not to pull on the IV tube latched onto my skin giving much needed blood to his veins, he bury his face into the pillow. Maybe this time he won’t be a lucky maybe this time his body won't be able to fight it. Maybe he would die.

He must have fallen asleep when he woke up, his mother was in the armchair beside his bed, he could just make him out in the darkness, he seemed to be getting a little shut eye himself. He figured it must be late as his father and the others seemed to be left already, he tried to sit up but that just left the bitter taste of bile raise in his stomach. Heechul turned. “You’re awake?” He smiled. “They gave you something to rest,” Heechul leaned over and squeezed his hand, “I sent your Appa and everyone home. The Jung’s too, they were worried.”

“They were here... was Yunho…?” He panicked he didn't want Yunho to see him like this.

“They were going to pick him up after they left.” He told him, Jaejoong settle down, “Hey don’t cry.” Heechul wiped his eyes.

“It’s back isn’t it? I’ve leukaemia,” He spoke out.

“Jae…”

“It’s true isn’t it? The signs are all there Umma…” He let it out. “Why me Umma… Why… What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Then why is this happening to me again?” Heechul hugged him tightly, cooing at him and telling him everything was going to be alright. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“You don’t know that.” He cried, “Umma you know each time it comes back, it comes back more aggressive. The percent gets worse, I’m not going back to the State… I want to stay here.” Jaejoong’s mother stared at him for a moment in silence; Jaejoong would just make out the tremble in his hands.

“Umma, please,” Heechul was still silent, and without a word, “Jaejoong we don't know it is a relapse.”

“Umma just tell me,” Jaejoong repeat, weakly taking his hand. His mother hand was warm again his cold. Jaejoong was frail within that week.

“You’re just showing symptoms.”

“ Leukaemia right?” Heechul fell silent.

“Hey let’s not talk about that know Jaejoong, come on try and get some more rest, they going to run more test tomorrow.” Heechul told him. “Hey what if I ask Leeteuk to bring Yunho tomorrow?” Jaejoong quiet down.

“No, I don’t want him to see me, not Like this…” Jaejoonh cried only making Heechul hold him closer. As Much as he wanted to say the right thing nothing would be. This would be difficult for Jaejoong, he would be emotional and who would blame him. Heechul brushed his hair away from his face, motioning for him to rest Heechul sat himself down on the edge of the bed, brushing away Jaejoong’s tears as they feel from the corner of his eyes.
“Do you want to sleep some more?”

“What am I going to do Umma?” Jaejoong whispered, looking around the room.

“Jae we don’t know if…” Heechul tried to talk to

“It is, you and I know it, I’m sick again…”

I don’t want to die, but I want this all to end; the pain in my body and my heart and the pain in their hearts too.

Heechul finally got Jaejoong to sleep after a couple hours of listening to him let everything come out. When he was sure Jaejoong was asleep he made his way outside the room, he wouldn’t break down in front of his son. He wouldn’t, he needed to be strong. Strong for Jaejoong’s sake. He reached for his phone calling his husband.

“Hey, you still awake?”

“Like I could sleep,” His husband answered, “How is he?”

“Emotional.” Heechul wiped his own tears away as he spoke. “He letting it all out.”

“You okay?”

“As much as I will ever be… he’s kept asking me why him? Why him… I didn’t know what to say Siwon. I was asking myself the exact same thing. He already told me, he never wants to go back to the state. Siwon was if it is? What if we can’t do anthing for him here?”

“Let’s not do this Heechul, right now we just need to be there from him.”

“You’re right, how’s Donghae?”

“Asking the same questions we are… I can hear him up in his room pacing the floor. He said he needed to time to himself.”

‘My Father?”

“In his room, having a glass of whiskey.”

“What are we going to do Siwon?”

“What we did before, put on our brave faces and hope for the best. I have to believe he’ll get through this Heechul. He comes so far.” That was true… “I’ll come first thing tomorrow morning before Jaejoong goes down for the bone marrow aspiration, try and get some sleep Heechul, I’ll try and do the same.” They hung up before Heechul made his way back to the room, to his surprise there was someone their lying on the bed beside Jaejoong holding him as he slept. “Yunho…” he whispered. Yunho moved softly not waking Jaejoong.

“I had to see him when I heard…”

“Your mom is going to kill you.”

“I had to see him…” Yunho looked as him as Jaejoong slept. “I wanted to be there for him…” Yunho’s word hit Heechul’s heart. “I should have seen it.”

“Yunho…”

“He’s been sleeping in class a lot lately I’ve noticed it,” Yunho told him, “He hasn't been well... I've seen it.I was worried about him, he kept telling me he was up late studying and I believed him. I seen what was happening and I didn’t think…”

“Yunho no one could have known.” Heechul thought about it, he had seen it too. He just came up with the wrong conclusion. How right now he wished it was that and not what they were facing.

“When will he get the test?”

“Tomorrow…”

“I want to be there for him.” Heechul didn’t have the heart to tell him, Jaejoong wasn’t ready for him to be there. But then he thought if Jaejoong saw Yunho maybe he would…

“We need to call your parents.” Heechul looked through his phone.

“No need.” Heechul turned to the voice, Kangin was standing at the door looking in, “We figured when we saw his bed empty he would be here. No idea how he even got here.”

“I’m sorry…”

“We’ll have a talk later… right now it’s time you come home, I’ll bring you tomorrow if Heechul agrees.” Heechul nodded.

“Jaejoong could do with you here, even if he doesn’t know that yet.” Yunho didn’t protest he got up and giving Jaejoong a kiss. Whispering to the sleeping beauty some heart felt words. Kangin place his hand on Yunho’s shoulder as they left leaving Jaejoong and Heechul alone together… Heechul smile and spoke to his sleeping son.

“Your boyfriend really loves you baby… he’s a keeper…but i'll keep that to myself for them moment.. your still my baby boy.

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I'm crying reading over this so much emption so much saddness... don'y you think...?

poor Jaejoong thr weight of the world on his shoulders.... so sad.

Love to read you comment...

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