beta thanks to aenkr28 ^_^

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Chapter 32

“What have  I done?” Heechul knelt down gathering up the ripped paper.

“Heechul?”

“He knows Siwon, he knows the truth…” Heechul shook his head, which Siwon did his best to grasp the situation, though he had no clue what Heechul was talking about, “We never got to tell him before he found out.” Heechul blurted out, “He must have so many questions, so many,” Heechul thought, “He must be hurting so badly.” He couldn’t help but wonder how long had Jaejoong known without telling them. How long had he held it back from them?

“Heechul what do you mean?”

“Jaejoong knows we adopted him,” Heechul looked up at Siwon with his glassy eyes, “That’s why he said I’m not his mother… he knows Siwon,” Heechul looked to the document. He pieced it together the document, indicating the adoption as their younger son into their family, “I’ve hurt him Siwon. I’ve just made everything a whole lot worse,” Siwon listened to his wife rambling, even though he understood, he couldn’t find the right words to comfort his wife.

“Do you think it’s our fault Siwon?” Heechul looked to his husband, “Do you think it’s are fault he…?”

“DON’T ever think that Heechul,” Siwon placed his hands on both of Heechul’s shoulder, “There’s no point bringing up the past Heechul. What has happened, can’t be changed even though I always wish we could erase what happened, but the truth is we can’t.” He gave Heechul’s shoulder a light squeeze.

“Why didn’t he tell us? If he knew, why didn’t he come to us and talk to us?”

“Probably because he felt he couldn’t or maybe because he was waiting on us to tell him the truth. He had planned to but we could never seem to find the right moment with him being ill, and a chance we could have lose him,” Siwon thought about it.

“But for Jaejoong to find out like that without…” Heechul stood up pulling from Siwon, “Stupid, how could I have been so stupid? I’m his mother for peat sake… I’m so ashamed. I have no right to call myself his mother, all I’m good for is causing him pain… I wasn’t even there for him when he needed me the most.”

“Heechul, you are not to blame yourself for that. We have a part in this guilt,” Siwon had already told Heechul about what he had found out in the states and that didn’t go all that well down with Heechul to begin with. “I need to talk to him and explain.”

“You mean we both need to talk to him?”

“Heechul we’ll sort it out.”

“I’m not sure if he’ll really want to talk to me, but all I can do is really try. He must be so angry at me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to talk to me again.”

“Heechul…” Siwon called out. He was the only one that could calm his wife in times like this, “He’ll understand, we had a rough year… he knows that. Yes you flip out but it was your heart that ached. You had good intention… he couldn’t blame you from fearing the worst I sheltered that burden to.”

“But you didn’t react the way I did.”

Siwon smiled, “That’s because you’re a mother. You speak with your heart and not you head. Like all mother, you love your children unconditionally… a mother love is not limited. It’s one of the reason I knew before we shared our first kiss many many years ago… I knew in my heart I was meant to be with you. I loved you and that heart… The heart that loves me, and gave me two children.” Siwon rubbed his finger under Heechul’s fallen tears. “You and I both know how close you are to Jae from the second he came into our life, he became ours, our son, our hopes and dream just like Donghae when he was born. Everything will be alright…”

****

Where was he going he didn’t know. All he wanted right now was to disappear, to feel nothing. He hadn’t meant to say all those awful things to his mother. He was just angry, anger that causes him burst out with angered emotions, but then again how could his parents ever trust him again after what he did. He couldn’t blamed them for being concern, worried as they were, parents naturally that’s what they did. He knew his parents all too well, he knew they would always be curious of what he did. He shook his head doing the best to convince himself things would be different. At least they didn’t view him as the sick kid… but was this better? No, who was he kidding. They could see how depression had over taken him since the judgement. He hated it and there was nothing he could do to change what happened.

Yes he knew he had caused them pain. But they had caused him pain too, they weren’t his family, well not really if he thought about it, he was adopted, they weren’t his real parent and Donghae isn’t really he brother. He was abandoned… Jaejoong figured that meant he wasn’t wanted. He keep running until he ran into someone he felt backward, scraping his hands on the pavement as he hit the ground. “I’m Sorry…” Jaejoong muttered before the person even had the chance to help him up.

“Wait Jae…” Junsu called after him, but Jaejoong was gone before his very eyes. “Where are you going? School the other way…” Jusnu shouted after him thought it was already too late, Junsu shrugged his shoulders.

He wasn’t sure if he should go after him, he still had a good bit of time before school starts. He had left his home earlier to avoid listening to his parents in another heated argument. Something that happen on a regular basis in his family, they would probably be still arguing by the time he got home later that day, which meant he probably wouldn’t return to mad lated. Though his parent were technically devoiced, they still lived in the same household because of their family tights, on the outside they probably looked like any other couple but on the inside Junsu knew the truth, that people eyes could be deceived,  he wonder if any of his friends would be free to keep his company tonight, he figured he could always try Yunho, he was always up for a party, thought know that he thought Yunho had toned down his party life style in the last couple of months. He looked to his phone dialling a number coming to a message minder.

“Hey Yunho… Call me back when you get the chance, I just ran literally into Jaejoong, he’s staying with you right? He looked panicked, well I’m going to see if I can catch up with him call me back, bye.” He hung up.

****

They had been looking of Jaejoong for over an hour yet they had little luck in finding him, “So when did you find out?”

“What?” Yunho asked wondering what Donghae was on about. “About What?”

“Jaejoong… About what he did, you didn’t seem all that surprised when you seen him.”

“Couple a months ago, I went out party one night and Jaejoong covered for me when I got caught, when I found out about what happened. I suppose I was shocked at first, I couldn’t believe someone would actually cut themselves. My umma told me after I saw his wrist. I couldn’t believe what I see at first. Until Umma explain something had happened in the states, I could never image someone… him doing something like that.”

“It’s hard to believe isn’t it? I didn’t want to think, ut then I found out more.”

“What?” Yunho asked.

“What they did to him.”

“Who?”

“His class mates…” Donghae griping his hands, “They tortured him, they made his life feel worthless that he meant nothing to anyone. And what worse… I think Jaejoong tried to tell me a number of times but I was so caught up in my own life… I didn’t notice. I can still picture him that day… he tried to take his own life, but then again I not sure he really did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jaejoong wanted me to walk home with him, I didn’t realise it then but Jaejoong looked scared, almost hurt… I didn’t realise at the time but I’m sure now Jaejoong was asking for help in his own way, but I was so pighead.”

“Have you ever talked to him about what happen that day?”

“No, not really, when he was in the hospital I couldn’t even get myself up the courage to go see him. Though my parents told me Jaejoong wanted to see me I couldn’t, after I found him like that I lost it… I knew a part of it was my fault, that I was to blame. Can you imagine not being there for you brother, and I’m supposed to be the older brother? I’m supposed to…”

“What’s are you supposed to do? In case you haven’t realised, you’re a kid… a teenaged at that,” Yunho answered, “In case you’re wondering I won’t win a brother of the year award either, I haven’t be a big brother to either of them. Changmin always drives me crazy and Tae… Well he’s Tae…” He didn’t really have anything to say about his younger brother. “Changmin been telling me for months Taemin been picked on in school, but I haven’t been listening at all until Jaejoong came.”

“Changmin always drove you chaos!” Donghae laughed, “You use to be so mad at him when he made Taemin and Jaejoong cry and that was a lot. Do you remember Taemin first birthday, your Umma got a bouncing castle for us? If I remembered, Changmin pierce a hole in the side of it, while our Appa had Jaejoong and Taemin inside. I still remembering Jaejoong cried for hours though my parents did everything to comfort him.”

“Changmin was really a brat wasn’t he? For a 2/3 years old well this is,” Yunho commented.

“To tell the truth, I think Changmin just wanted his older brother attention and to get that, it was by picking on them.” Yunho thought about it, a part of him felt like that might have been Changmin always wanting Yunho to play with him… “Hyung play with me…” Yunho pictured a chubby tiny Changmin holding a ball that was bigger than his head next to his chest. “What happened to us?” Yunho asked.

“We used to really think of them, didn’t we?”

“We got older I suppose…” Yunho answered.

“Hmmm… when Jaejoong got cancer, I didn’t really understand. I knew he was sick but when I didn’t get to do things I want, I hate to admit but I blame him, I use to act all sweet around him until my parents had to rush Jaejoong off to the hospital. Missing something I had to do.” Donghae pictured it.

Flashback

“His fever has risen…” Siwon held Jaejoong in his arms rocking him lightly as he cried, as the blood dripped from his nose, “We should take him to the hospital,” Heechul comment feeling his younger son head, “It’s okay Joongie, Appa and Umma are here.”

“I’ll ring them let them know were coming in.”

“Umma. My game…”

“I’m sorry Donghae, Joongie needs to go to the hospital…” Heechul hurried around the living room. Gathering everything they need.

“But my game…”

“I’m sorry Donghae, but you’re going to have to miss it.”

“JAEJOONG, JAEJOONG, JAEJOONG… ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS JAEJOONG WHAT ABOUT ME!?” Donghae toned down his voice when his father glared at him.”

“Donghae…”

“What, it’s not my fault Joongie sick…”

“Dongahe you’re being rude…” His father called out to him while he handed Jaejoong over to Heechul who placed the blanket around him.

“I don’t care! Why is Joongie only important? What about me? Am I not important to you?”

“Donghae not now…”

“Joongie always sick… I want to go to my game!”

“DONGHAE… DON’T YOU REALISE JAEJOONG COULD DIE!?” his father shouted, making him release the ball he was holding, the sound of the ball hitting the ground over and over, until it stopped.

“SIWON…” Heechul called him, before turning to Donghae, “Donghae I know you’re mad at us, but Jaejoong really sick and we want his to get better don’t we? Please get into the car for Umma.” As Donghae walked outside Heechul turned to Siwon, “We’ll talk to him later.”

END of Flashback

“Jaejoong was hospitalized after that, I remember my parents crying a lot. I never really understood why my parents were so sad, but after that I realised that one day Jaejoong might not come home to us.” Donghae felt guilty for his child like self, he was so young a kid, a 7 seven old. “My parents always thanked me for being an understanding brother, but I wasn’t. Yes I read to him kept him company. But I couldn’t do anything for him. It wasn’t until when Jaejoong got sick at eight that I really understood the pain Jaejoong was going through. A pain I couldn’t take away. It was then I realised that while I had a childhood Jaejoong didn’t, he was robbed from something that is important in youth. I guess I forgot that again…” he looked at Yunho. “I’ll really need to make it up to him.”

“YUNHO!”

Yunho turned his head to the voice. Junsu was walking toward them, “Su?”

“Aren’t you going to school today?” Junsu asked as he came upon them. “Are looking of Jaejoong?”

“Jaejoong?”

“You know Jaejoong’s brother right? Jaejoong has a heated argument with his parents, so he ran out. Now  we’re looking for him.”

“I saw him not to long ago, I tried to follow him but he disappear.”

“Which way?” Donghae asked. “Please tell us, Jaejoong could really do something stupid if he pushed to it.” Junsu pointed out the direction, Donghae was already off Yunho was about to follow when Junsu held onto his arm.

“Yunho what did he mean stupid?”

“I…”

“Tell me Yunho he’s my friend too, please…”

“Jae- Jaejoong tried to kill himself…”

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Finally a chapter for this story...

about bloody time i wrote one ^_^

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