Reply Thirty-Two

In February, I used to think that friendships wouldn't last after graduation. I used to think that memories would fade away, promises would be broken. But Howon and Eunji had proven me otherwise. They were right next to me, supported me and stayed with me. We shared happiness and laughter. We shared tears and sadness. We were together, and the future didn't seem so scary anymore. But in the end, nothing would last forever. 
 

It wasn't like I had never expected it. I knew everyone had to go different ways one day. I knew we couldn't be together like this forever. But it came so fast, so sudden. How was I supposed to deal with that? Why did fate knock on my door so sudden to separate my best friend from me? Why did Santa Clause appear before my house in the middle of summer? It wasn't a pleasant surprise, though. It wasn't pleasant, at all. 
 

Moving away really hurt. Maybe I couldn't cry because it wasn't happening, yet. Maybe because God still gave us a month time for deepening our friendship. Maybe because it was still too surreal for me to believe it. I was still feeling numb. Maybe an aftereffect of not having eaten anything today. I didn't know, and I didn't wish to know. 
 

At some point, after Eunji's announcement, I had felt so unfairly treated. I was so angry that people had to take her away from me. She had been with me for almost 14 years. 14 years of friendship, and it just got ruined by the future. 
 

I was even holding some grudge against the people who had inspired her to work as a music teacher in a kindergarten for disabled kids. I knew I was wrong to feel that way. I knew Eunji really loved kids. I knew she had always wanted to help people. And I knew it was a good opportunity to move back to Busan because she had a disabled cousin, and she just wanted to help him with music. I knew it was Eunji being kind-hearted and all. But it still felt so unfair. Because she wouldn't live almost next-door anymore. Because we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore. 
 

She was going to move in the midst of June which meant she couldn't even stay for my birthday. She had told me how she would start living with her grandparents, leaving her own mother and father behind for Busan. It was so far away, and she would be so far away. 
 

After a few days, I had accepted her decision. I had come to realize that it was her dream, and I wouldn't be a friend if I couldn't support her. Although it would pain me, I still chose to be happy for her. It wasn't the end, yet. Just another chapter of my life, maybe. 
 

My mom understood my feelings, but she had also told me to be strong and stop being such a crybaby. I hadn't even cried, yet. She knew what I was going through because she, too, had to leave her childhood friends behind after marrying my dad. I guess, separation was part of growing up. A really, really cruel part.
 

“You know, Hana,” my mom began, my back, “I'm sorry for yelling at you.”
 

She was referring to the day where my aunt and I got caught lying to them. It had already been a few days ago, and I almost forgot the event had happened. Remorse started creeping up on me, leaving me in a trance for a few seconds before my mom spoke up, “I shouldn't have yelled at you like that.”
 

It was a surprise my mom was actually apologizing. To me, it was never her fault. I was the one who had decided to lie. I was the one who'd had those negative thoughts I couldn't prevent from entering my mind. If one of us had to apologize, it should be. But the coward I was, I couldn't bring myself to do that. With a small voice, I said, “It's not your fault. Don't apologize.”
 

She laughed heartily, reminding me of the days before my aunt had been admitted to hospital. For some reasons, my mom was starting to look older. I wondered whether it was because she had a lot of stress right now. After a sigh, she rubbed her stomach in circles, catching my attention with her movement. Her fingers were still slender and skinny. She still wasn't eating much, skipping most of the meals.
 

“Mom,” I said, “what are you worrying about?”
 

Her eyes doubled in size, looking at me surprised. She definitely hadn't been expecting my question. Which really made me feel bad. I wondered just who really took their time to ask about my mom's well-being. Not even my dad? Not my aunt? Then, who?
 

She smiled softly like a mom would do, and I felt like I was a child again. The surrounding around me changed into the walls of our old home before we moved into this neighborhood. I was reminded of the old photos of my deceased maternal grandparents that hung on the pastel-colored walls. The floor was covered with cracked parquet. I was sitting on my mom's lap as she tried to pull out a splinter from my finger. My eyes were partly closed, hoping everything would end quickly, as I bit my bottom lip. And when everything ended, she patted my head and smiled. A motherly smile no one else could replace.
 

“You know,” she paused, closing her eyes for a few moments before continuing, “I might be pregnant.”
 

Imagine my face when she told me that. I screamed in my head, trying to block unnecessary thoughts and images as I stared at her in bewilderment. This just didn't happen, right? My mom and my dad hadn't ㅡ Okay, let me organize my thoughts before I start to puke. I really didn't want to think about it. Honestly.
 

“Isn't that great?” I asked, and I meant it. I felt happy (if we disregarded the fact that I had almost imagined my parents doing it). I really was. Having a little sibling had always been my wish. Growing up as an only child was pretty lonely. I had always wanted to take care of my younger siblings.
 

She shook her head to my surprise, looking a bit bothered. “Giving birth to a child at this age... It's not like I hate having children. They are just too much of a burden, sometimes. I don't really want to go through those stressful times, again.” She looked away, rolling down her sleeves. “It freaks me out.”
 

At some point, I could understand her worry. Having children wasn't always happy-go-lucky. With another family member, things could get exciting and worrying at the same time. It wasn't exactly easy to take care of children. I met Eunji's little cousins once when they had come from Busan over the holidays. It was more than just tiring and annoying. Eventually, I got freaked out by their hyper energy.
 

Maybe it was some kind of excuse for her to have leashed out on me. Maybe not. As for me, I started to understand why she had been so different over the time. Maybe the thought of having a loudly crying children scared her. Maybe because she thought she was alone in this. Then, it meant I really wasn't doing a good job as a grown-up daughter. I was lacking too many things, and there was too little time to change that.

Since I had wanted to do something – just anything – for my mom, she told me to bring lunch to my dad's office. Why he had actually forgotten to bring it with him remained a secret. His inanity worried me at times. Or maybe he was just getting old. Whatever it was – I had to make sure that he had his lunch before his break started. 
 

Honestly, a bank looked always too serious for me. The clean marble floor, the shiny walls and the stiff counters. I never felt comfortable around serious businesses. This considered, I would never want to work at a bank. It just looked too dull to me. Even my father had advised me not to end up working at a bank. I guess, he wasn't satisfied with his daily routine either.
 

I was at the lobby, waiting for my dad to come out as I stared at the plant next to me. Having nothing better to do, I decided to look through my phone. Most of the text messages that filled up my received messages folder were from Eunji or Howon. A few from Myungsoo, as well. I opened that one conversation with Busan guy back in Summer 2008. We used to talk about Woohyun a lot. Not face to face, but on the phone. He used to ask me about my feelings and my history with Woohyun. How I had started liking him. Stuff like that. He used to encourage me. I realized how much time had changed the things around us. Howon and I had started talking less on the phone. Maybe because we hadn't anything to talk about anymore. Because Woohyun was history. Or maybe because Busan guy had been busy recently. Because he had a part-time job and dance battles to attend. But don't get me wrong, we still talked. We still met up, and when we did, we could start off from where we had stopped last time. Like we never got separated. It was just that we weren't like back then anymore. We weren't as close. Which was quite a natural progress. Since we didn't have school anymore to see each other.
 

I was also reading Eunji's conversations with me. Though, we had never really talked about deep things like love or romance. But who was I to blame her? It was my fault for not having told her sooner about Woohyun. But that also belonged to the past. Eunji and I couldn't be stronger than we were right now. Things were perfectly fine between us. But a part of me was bothered with remorse for not having spent more quality time with her in the past.
 

I was so immersed in my phone, I didn't even notice my dad coming up to me. He ruffled my hair affectionately, looking quite happy upon seeing me. His buttoned-up looked quite stiff and stupid. Not resembling the appearance of my father at home, at all. But he was beaming so sweetly, I forgave everything.
 

“You brought my lunch?” he asked, staring at my backpack. I nodded, turning around to let him take out mom's self-made lunch box. He was almost pulling me back with the amount of strength he used. When he finally succeeded in holding his food in his hands, I turned back around, glaring at him.
 

“Took you long enough.” I rolled my eyes, scoffing at my own dad. And then, I suddenly noticed a figure standing at the far end of the lobby, talking to some employee. He was wearing a black beanie over his hair. His upper body was covered with a loose Tshirt, creases gathering at the hem. I was narrowing my eyes to find out why this person looked so familiar. One turn of his head answered my question. And several thoughts followed after. I turned my voice to my dad, not really looking at him. “You said my friend named Kim was here recently.”
 

A confused expression formed on his face, wrinkles plastering his forehead. He looked at me, then tilted his head a little. “Yeah. But why are you asking so suddenly?”
 

Because it made sense, now. Because one turn of his head enlightened me about several things. It was funny. Really comedic of my father. He was like the dense guy in dramas who couldn't get any information right. Who would always do mistakes because he would easily forget things. It was an endearing character trait, true. Though, it also hindered others to know the truth. It hindered people to start liking someone because of petty things. And my dad's inability to remember names led me to misunderstand a few facts. Or maybe it led me to notice the little things now.

Kim Sunggyu. My first love's best friend. Or maybe used-to-be best friend, as for 2009. Something I hadn't known of had happened between the two of them. Something I'd never know, according to my 17-year-old self. He was also the guy who was there when Woohyun had found my letter to Johnny. He was even there when my crush had kicked the ball to my face. But he was always a supporting role for me. He was a minor character. In the drama starring Woohyun and me, he was only the best friend. The guy who would never get enough spotlight because he wasn't outstanding enough. The guy who appeared just to help the male lead to realize his feelings. Though, prior to Summer 2009, the distribution of popularity amongst the cast was being shifted. An increased demand of that particular minor character altered the script more or less.

Strange things happen. I'd like to blame it on God. He had a funny way to tease His children. But in actuality, I was the only one to blame. I finally understood things I had always pondered on. Why Sunggyu worked so often. Why I only saw him working long hours. Why I never saw him hanging out with friends. I had always wondered and after than one particular encounter, I finally knew. He had financial problems.
 

But here was the thing bugging me more than it probably should, I could only base my thoughts on guessing. I would never know the real reason. How was I supposed to do that, anyways? I only had the associations of Sunggyu working and the bank. With these, I concluded that his family probably had a lot of debts so he had to work a lot in order to repay everything. And upon having that knowledge, I wondered just how regretful I should feel right now.
 

He had paid for my chips when I was hanging out at the convenience store for hours without eating anything. He had honestly shouldered the consequences of having to work more for my hunger. And despite his own problems, he still had noticed my need for food. If my life were to be showcased in front of the world, I'd be the one everyone would hate. People would throw tomatoes at me for being such a jerk. I knew that. I honestly knew that, now.
 

Sunggyu was a good guy, after all. Maybe I should start treating him better. With that said, I still found myself glancing awkwardly his way. It was too difficult to actually change myself from one second to the other. I couldn't possibly act like I was his best friend when I had been the bad guy all this time. It would make things even more awkward.
 

The collar of his uniform was wrinkly, I noticed. Inguk was wearing his shirt perfectly fine like he had just ironed it. But Sunggyu's was wrinkly. I couldn't help but stare at the crease near his neck. It was mocking me. It was screaming at me to fix it. I really couldn't help but notice.
 

Also, there was this stain of orange juice or something on his shirt. Like he had accidentally spilled his drink when he was watching a hot girl passing by. And that stain was mocking me as well, telling me to clean it. Excuse my weird behavior. Summer was approaching, and I was never a fan of heat. (Last year, you told them otherwise.)
 

When he caught me watching his shirt, I quickly averted my eyes and started a staring battle with Inguk. Over the time I had spent with him (without Howon), I had developed skills to properly deal with that dude. They included stupid and childish behavior and naïve remarks. But as long as we got along...
 

“Hey Hana,” I heard her charming voice say. Miyoung had delighted us with her presence today, looking pretty as ever. Her curls were gathered on one side while her fringe was swept to the right. I was stunned by her fashion sense. “I need yourㅡ Ah, wait. We need your help.”
 

She looked at Inguk and Sunggyu for a short moment before turning back to me. An eye smile was visible on her face, amazing me with her innocence. For some reasons, when you looked at her expression now, you would never be able to reject her. It was a charm I had tried to build over the years to bribe my parents.
 

“Hoya's elder siblings are coming back from England, and we are planning to throw a party for them as well as a surprise party for our Hoya.” she explained, looking quite enthusiastic. “Since he couldn't really enjoy his life after all that had happened.”
 

There was this strange feeling in my gut that I couldn't explain. Or at least, I was refusing to explain it. Tongue sweeping over my lips, I asked, “Wait, Howon's siblings are coming back?”
 

“You didn't know?” Miyoung looked surprised, turning her head to Inguk, then back to me. “He told us a month ago.”
 

You know that feeling when someone punches you in the face when you least expect it? That was how I felt when Miyoung told me that they had known this information before me. That feeling mixed with the bitter memory of the beginning of Spring 2009. And piled up with every emotion I felt upon seeing my aunt getting wasted at the bar. But most of all, sweetened with my pitiful self's memories.
 

“Well, now you know.” She laughed it off, but no. I wasn't in the mood to laugh with her. Maybe that was why only a forced chuckle escaped my lips. I wasn't even in the mood to be around people. I wasn't in the mood for anything. I was damn angry. No, I was damn disappointed. It was probably the first disappointment I had felt towards Busan guy. The very first one, maybe. I didn't really care about the accuracy of my information right now. I only cared about the hurt feelings I felt on that sunny day.
 

Really, just freaking why? I had initially decided to bond with the employees of his workplace. The disappointment was so unnecessary. Why did I have to learn from Miyoung – his friend only since a few months ago – that his siblings were coming back? Why couldn't he tell me first? Wasn't I the first person he would call when something in his life happened? Wasn't I his best friend? What happened with our promise to tell each other things? What happened with the Howon who would always choose me over anyone else? And why did she suddenly know things I didn't know about?
 

It would have been worse if he hadn't told me about him having siblings. To his luck, he had cared to tell me at the beginning of our friendship. But that didn't excuse him from not telling me about his siblings' return. Wasn't it something you would share with your closest friends? Did it mean I wasn't his close friend anymore? Was he implying he forgot about me? Was my nightmare really turning into reality?
 

One thing I was sure of. I was right. I was right when I had said promises could be broken after graduation. I was right with my important people parting ways with me. I was so freaking right, but it never felt more lonely. Never in my life had I felt so disappointed to know my assumptions turned out to be right.

I had never confronted Howon about it. Because just like Eunji had waited for me to tell her about Woohyun, I was waiting for Busan guy to tell me. Since apparently, he couldn't even let me know about his siblings coming back from England. He couldn't even tell me he was going to be away for a few weeks after their arrival. According to Miyoung and Inguk, his siblings wanted to take him around Korea since they hadn't seen him for so long. Bonding time, was what Miyoung had called it. I wondered just what that guy was thinking about.
 

But right now, I wanted to concentrate on Eunji. In a few weeks, she was going to move away. I couldn't let our time be wasted by thinking about him. I honestly had more important things to do. Just like hanging out with my best friend. (Giraffe and Myungsoo were extras.) Though, I couldn't help but remember the disappointment along with the hurt.
 

“Let's ride this one.”
 

Sungyeol pointed at the Viking ride that was swinging back and forth, almost reaching Lotte World's ceiling. Eunji looked thrilled to ride it while Myungsoo was rather hesitant. I couldn't possibly leave him alone so I turned to my best friend and her lover, and said, “You guys ride it. I'll wait here with Myungsoo.”
 

Eunji thought about it for a few moments before grabbing Sungyeol by his arm, pulling him to the queue. I watched them disappear behind the crowd, smiling to myself. Myungsoo must have noticed the grin playing on my lips since he nudged my side, looking quite amused. “Are you setting them up?”
 

I chuckled slightly, shaking my head. “Of course not.”
 

“Sure,” he said, looking around the most popular amusement park in Seoul. Eunji and me, we were kids the last time we had been here. After a few times, it just wasn't so fun anymore to visit this place with parental guidance. But now that we were kind of grown-ups, we were allowed to go with friends.
 

Speaking of friends, I wondered if Howon would have dared to ride those rollercoasters. If he would have been the adventurous type or rather the scared one. I wondered if he would have stayed behind for me, just like I had done for Myungsoo. If you had asked me a few months ago during high school, I would have been able to answer with conviction. But right now, I was rather indecisive and unsure. Because Busan guy seemed to have changed. Or maybe it was just my imagination. Or maybe not. Or maybe it just hurt me too much. And maybe I just wanted to burst out in tears. I don't think, Myungsoo had noticed my change of mood back then.
 

For some reasons, the time at the amusement park had ended up with Eunji and Sungyeol riding everything while Myungsoo and I had stayed behind to watch them. One time, I had even caught Sungyeol grabbing her hand. Imagine Myungsoo and me jumping in joy after seeing it. I think, back then, Myungsoo and I had been in this together. Without having actually exchanged our opinions towards the couple, we had agreed to wish them the best if they ever started dating. We weren't exactly saying they should date. Just that if they dated, we would be fine with it. I think, that was the best approval you could get from your friends.
 

After a few hours of going around, we had decided to fill our stomachs with some food. Myungsoo and Sungyeol had volunteered to order the meal while the girls were looking for an empty table. Eunji and I, soon, found a place to sit and eat which was right next to the entrance. A few guys walked in who talked in the Busan dialect, and reminded me of Howon. I mentally cursed at them for appearing at such an inappropriate time. Why did God have such a funny way to tease me? (I wasn't honestly blaming God.)
 

“Hana,” I heard my best friend call out, “let's rank those guys.”
 

Initially thinking she was talking about those Busan dudes, I was proved wrong when I followed her gaze to the entrance of the food court. Five guys entered like they owned the place, walking smoothly towards the food counter. A few girls were catching glances their ways, and I had to admit they were good-looking. But it was just the Cheerleader effect. If I looked at them one by one, I'd realize they weren't that handsome at all. The only guy who was attractive was that dude with the snapback on his head. Actually, he reminded me of someone. I couldn't pinpoint who, but he reminded me of someone.
 

“To answer your question,” I began, following them passing by, “That guy in the middle is handsome. The rest is not my type.”
 

Eunji scoffed at me, rolling her eyes. “That's because that guy in the middle looks like Woohyun.”
 

I opened my mouth to protest, but soon had to admit she was right. Especially after taking a better look at that snapback guy. He really resembled Woohyun, for some reasons. I wasn't saying he looked exactly like him. There was just this slight resemblance. And it was definitely not caused by my imagination. Since Eunji felt the same way.
 

“I wonder whether you eventually changed your ideal type to Woohyun, or whether he was your type all along.” my best friend mumbled, still letting her gaze follow the group of guys. And I wondered, too. I really wondered what the case was. Had Woohyun influenced me in liking his type? What was my ideal type like, anyways? Was it even important to know? Wasn't Johnny Depp my ideal type? Or Taeyang? Or maybe none of them, after all. I really wondered. And as I was drown in my own thoughts, Myungsoo and Sungyeol arrived with trays of our lunch in their hands.
 

“Was that really everything you ordered?” Myungsoo's voice snapped me out of my daydream, leaving me in a confused state. I, then, turned around, meeting his eyes then looking at the tray he was holding.
 

“Yup.” I answered, taking my Caesar salad with small chicken stripes. While everyone had ordered burgers and fries, I had decided to stick to my diet. I had gained weight after graduation since my PE teacher wasn't there to push me on anymore. His nagging voice wasn't there to mock my lacking energy and stamina. I wouldn't really admit it, but I felt ugly and self-conscious. I would never want someone to touch my fat around my belly. I'd cry if someone actually did.
 

I wasn't paying attention to Myungsoo who was strangely refusing to sit down as he continued staring at me. I ignored his curious eyes, and took my phone out to take a picture of my Caesar salad. This was part of my diet. Documenting my eating habits so I could look back at what I had eaten over the week. People from the internet said it helped them a lot so I wanted to try it out. That way I could loose the additional pounds I had gained.
 

“I don't like this.” Myungsoo suddenly remarked as he finally sat down. “Please stop doing this.”
 

I looked at him in confusion, furrowing my eyebrows. “I don't know what you want from me.”
 

“This,” he said, pointing at my phone, “Documenting what you have eaten, writing down how many calories. You are not even fat. You are damn skinny. So don't loose weight.”
 

“That's not skinny. I gained a lot of weight, and I'm not exercising. Everything is loose andㅡ”
 

“Hana,” he interrupted me, “please don't do this.” For some reasons, he looked angry. Or disappointed. I couldn't be sure of his expression. He looked blank and a bit pale. His features weren't soft and gentle. His jaw was clenched, and a crease was forming on his forehead. There was this thick silence between us. Not even Eunji or Sungyeol dared to speak up. It was really weird because I didn't feel like I did anything wrong and yet, he made me feel like the bad guy. “Don't try to please others.”
 

“Wait, Myungsoo,” I began, trying to calm my own nerves, “I'm not trying to please others. It's just for me. I just want to loose the pounds I've gained. Nothing serious.”
 

I was already feeling awkward to talk about my diet but he made it worse. It was so uncomfortable to let others know how insecure I felt, and Myungsoo wasn't helping me either. I was getting angry at him for attacking me like that, although I hadn't done anything wrong. I couldn't understand why he would suddenly address my eating habits. It was honestly none of his business. Couldn't he stop sticking his nose into my affairs? I felt awfully treated and slightly ashamed, and remembering my disappointment towards Howon didn't make it any less hurtful. But then, his next words completely changed the roles in this cast. It wasn't Myungsoo anymore who had made me feel bad about myself. It wasn't him who should be blamed anymore. It was me who was the bad guy. It was me who deserved to be hated by the audience. Maybe because I was the bad guy, after all. In this drama called life, the female lead seemed to have turned into the antagonist. Because, prior to Summer 2009, his next words changed the script completely.
 

“You don't know how serious this can get.”
 

And that was when I had finally understood his relation with Suji.

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