Reply Fourteen

It was all over the news. Everyone knew of the 11th November. Everyone celebrated this day. That Tuesday of November 2008. It was Pepero's day. I once mentioned before that it was a day held by lovers or friends who gave each other Pepero or even other gifts. It is similar to Valentine's day, only that it happens during winter. Well, winter in 2008 started with the 21st December. But even today in 2013, my colleagues at my work give me those snacks. And since it was a tradition between Howon and I, he still puts them in my bag today. Exchanging Pepero sticks on this special day, in 2008 it was even more special to me. I decided to give some Woohyun.

Winter 2008.

"I don't want it."

I rolled my eyes at him. He could be so stubborn at times. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just take it. It wasn't exactly Valentine's Day and even if, giving chocolates to people of the opposite gender could be considered as friendship as well. I wouldn't exactly imply love, would I? I always exchanged Pepero sticks with Eunji every year and this year, I found a new friend and I wanted to express my gratitude with the Pepero in my hands. I mean, I didn't go all the way to the little shop near my neighborhood to get rejected. He just had to accept my friendship. It was too late not to.

"It's not like I'm confessing my love right now." I scoffed at him, already feeling my hands freezing. Why was the weather so cold during winter? It wasn't even winter according to the weather forecast. But still, it already felt like winter. It was cold, my nose were running and my hands were freezing. I would call that winter. And that Busan guy in front of me only made my efforts even more difficult. "Now, take it."

"I don't have anything to give you back." He retorted after already taking the snacks. I guess, no one could ever say 'no' to Pepero. It wasn't too sweet since there was still this cookie stick under the coat of chocolate. It was by far my favorite snack.

"You don't need to." With a smug smile I returned to my seat in the bus at the very front with Eunji. The reason why we didn't join Howon and Hara was because Eunji had some problems with her womb. It was still her period. And she didn't want people to watch her suffering. Oh and I already gave Hara the Peperos and it was much easier to deliver the snacks to her than it was with Howon. She thanked me with her cute smile and I couldn't help but wonder why I even hated her at first. She was a sweet girl and during our study session at my home, she even taught us some things we couldn't quite comprehend.

We exited the bus and walked together - with Howon and Hara, too - to our school building. In my peripheral vision, I noticed that Suji girl who was stopped by a student. He pulled something out from his pocket and I knew right away, even without continuing watching them, that he was going to give her Pepero. I guess, he couldn't wait until Valentine's Day. It was funny how you actually met people more often when you first noticed them. I mean, that Suji was always studying at the same school but I never really took notice of her. It was the same with Woohyun.

Speaking of the devil, I saw him walking with his dog friend Sunggyu. Not that he was only Woohyun's follower but for some reasons, I couldn't forget what my first love once said. About naming his own dog after Sunggyu. I felt the pack of Pepero in my hands that were stuck into the pockets of my coat to prevent them from getting cold as I pondered on how to give him these. It was strange to give males chocolate. It could be seen as a love confession like Howon made it out to be. He could have have the same reaction like Howon. But his would disappoint me even more. I would feel dejected when he refused to accept my chocolate. Even though it was only chocolate. Maybe it had my heart attached to it, too.

I felt Howon pushing me with his elbow, his hands stuck into the pockets of his jacket as well, as he nodded towards Woohyun, urging me to give them to him. He knew I wanted to give him some since we talked about it last night. I called him because I was so nervous, I actually trembled a little. But he assured me that it was ok as long as I told him I wanted to give it to him as a friend. Or else, he would be shocked to find out that I suddenly had feelings for him. Even if I actually did, he still didn't know. So Howon calmed me down and to thank him for that, I gave him Pepero, too.

But this wasn't the time to be giving him the snack. Not when I noticed that Suji girl passing him by. Out of fear, I furrowed my eyebrows, putting a worried expression on my face. When he saw her beautiful and pale face, when he smelt her nice juicy scent, I wondered what he would feel or think. Would he fall in love with her? Would he feel attracted to her? My heart started beating to the speed of the questions filling my mind.

But she just passed by. He noticed her with Sunggyu and he did glance her way, but that was all. He didn't reach to Sunggyu to tell him how beautiful that girl was. He didn't stare at her for longer than seconds. He wasn't attracted to her like he was towards Hara. I didn't know why but maybe she wasn't his type? But for now, I was glad that he didn't start to take a liking to her. I was glad that the whole Hara thing wouldn't repeat with another girl in the spotlight. For now, Woohyun was safe. Or I was.

"You are such a tomboy. But why can't you even keep up your speed?" He was either teasing me or scolding me. Whatever it was, I was annoyed. I already told him many times that I wasn't as good as Howon because Busan guy always kept his stamina by dancing and playing sports. Even though I was a girl, he still picked on me. My PE teacher was really some strict guy. Maybe he was just frustrated with his life. I didn't know. I just wanted this lesson to end.

And he even called me a tomboy. It was because he overheard my conversation with Howon whom he has just sent away from me to run some laps. I knew he was annoyed by me because I talked with Busan guy during his lessons. And Eunji was lucky, it was her second time to be able to skip classes. I never understood why her period lasted so long. But back to the tomboy subject. Howon told me I was quite a tomboyish girl before that hell teacher scooted him away. His reason for telling me that, remained a secret.

"I think I have my period, that must be why." I faked a stomache ache as I curled myself up which was easy since I was already sitting on the ground. I was glad that he hasn't forced us to run outside around the school yard like last time. But his skeptical look showed me he didn't believe me a bit. And with that, I had to run some more laps for lazing around.

I saw that Suji girl again. It was the second time today. She was running around the gym as well. It seemed like we had the same period of PE and when I watched her running and warming up, I noticed students in my class occasionally glancing at her, too. Even those who were ugly and wore glasses. Not that I was against glasses. Howon usually wore glasses, too when he was at home - he once told me. But during school, he wore lenses since he didn't like his frames or something. I found it sad that I never had the chance to see him with glasses.

"Hey, you. That girl. Which class is she?" I asked one of the males who seemed at least a bit decent to me.

"Bae Suji? Really, that girl is so beautiful. I think, she is in class 3-2." He replied back, not glancing away from her. Class 3-2 was Myungsoo's and maybe that giraffe's class, too. I knew that Femme boy was a year younger than us and he was still impolite and disrespectful towards me, a sunbae¹.

I contined to stare at her with my classmates when Howon appeared right in front of me. With his messy hair and that sweet smile, I giggled lightly. Even though, he was just my best friend, he was actually a really handsome best friend. Some girls really liked him. Because he was a considerate person and he was polite. I really liked that trait about him. And the best thing was, those girls didn't hate me for being friends with him. I always thought they would but oh well, we aren't living in a romance book. Nor in a manga. And Howon wasn't a Korean idol who had thousands of fangirls. I couldn't even imagine him to be standing on stage even though I knew that it was his thing. It's just... he was my Busan guy. He was that sweet guy in front of me with his canine teeth. Being a celebrity or an idol would be really exhausting. I wanted him to lead a normal life.

"It's the end of PE, let's go."

There were two things on that November day of 2008 that happened, one that was rather sad and one that was positive for me. It was still the 11th of November, still a winter day for me since it was so cold and two things happened. One that was good and one that wasn't. I'll let you decide which was which.

Still Winter 2008.

I, or better we were sitting in our classroom. Our usual place to enjoy lunch was at the big stairs of the school yard but since it was freaking cold and the weather wouldn't allow us, we decided to postpone the place to our classroom which was much more warmer and comfortable. That was when Hara turned up with Woohyun and Sunggyu tagging along. I knew, because they were classmates, they were pretty close. Hara told me during our study session at my place - and when Eunji was at the toilet again - that they always took care of her like big brothers. They always talked with her during breaks since she was still quite alone. Guys did like her but they couldn't approach her and girls didn't really like her since the beginning because she was a beauty. And the thought of Woohyun taking care of her was bittersweet to me. Bitter because I wished he would do that towards me and sweet because it was something I really liked about guys. When they take care of others. I wasn't jealous nor envious of Hara. She was a close friend. And she always told me about things that happened during class with Woohyun.

I remembered that I even told Hara about giving Woohyun the Peperos but I never knew she would actually provide me with this chance. And I was unprepared. My heart wasn't prepared when he stepped into our classroom. I wasn't prepared to be giving him the snacks. He was so stunning with the scarf around his neck and the blazer over his shirt. For me, he was the most outstanding guy at school.

"That guy complains because he hasn't received any chocolates or Peperos today." Hara remarked as she stood in front of us, her thump pointing at Woohyun who was right behind her. I knew she was giving me a broad hint. She wanted me to give him the chocolate now, but I was too scared. Like I said, I was unprepared.

When I looked to my first love, I saw him pouting slightly as he brought his fists to the undereye area to fake crying. I knew that was what they called aegyo - showing some cutesy act. And even though I hated it on TV when the MCs asked the idols to do some aegyo, it was different with Woohyun. I felt attracted to  it. I wasn't embarrassed nor ashamed. I actually loved it and I wanted to see more. That was until I met eyes with Sunggyu. I didn't know what I felt back then but it was embarrassing to look into his eyes. So I turned away from him, not wanting to meet eyes again.

"You haven't? Well, I have received some today." Howon next to me interposed as I glared at him for giving such an unnessecary remark. I knew he was trying to push me to finally give it to Woohyun but I couldn't just do it. It was more difficult than writing exams or to conduct presentations.

"Ha, Howon is new at this school and he is popularer than you." Sunggyu remarked suddenly, gaining everyone's question. Howon chuckled upon hearing it, Eunji besides me didn't really react and Hara smiled at the comment. The intention, not to meet eyes with him, failed. I somehow looked up to see him glancing my way, too. But we decided to end this eye-contact right away. I think, he was embarrassed about the whole incident during Chuseok. Damn, I was embarrassed, too. I didn't tell anyone. Not Howon, nor Eunji or Hara. I guess, Sunggyu never told Woohyun as well.

"Hyung, that's mean. You haven't got any, too because even if there were girls who wanted to give you some, you overlooked them. Your eyes are too narrowed down." Woohyun laughed at his own joke, some of us six snickered but I bursted out laughing. It wasn't that funny. In some kind of way, it was. But I also laughed because it was Woohyun who threw that joke into the circle. Then, I felt guilty when I accidentally met eyes with Sunggyu - again.

"Look, Hana agrees with me." He winked at me and with that action, he almost killed me. There was only this amount of butterflies a girl could contain in her belly. If I had known he would do these things to me at one time, I would've bought a belly with a bigger size at the beginning of everything. At the beginning of loving Woohyun.

When Sunggyu constantly shook his head while sighing and taking a seat down onto an empty stool, Woohyun acted cute in front of his best friend and apologized to him. "Aw, hyung. Don't worry. It's not only you. It's me, too. Hana said it's because I lost my charme."

"Do you have to bring that back up?" I asked staring at him, when everyone started laughing. I didn't even know why they laughed when they didn't know what I was talking about. Maybe Sunggyu since Woohyun might have told him but I never shared this scene with Howon or Hara. Not even Eunji. So why the hell did they laugh?

"So who was the one who gave you these?" Woohyun asked when he held the Peperos longingly in his hands. I knew he wanted to receive some, too. It was actually a surprise to me that he haven't received any today. He was popular. Many girls liked him. If not love, then admiration. I actually assumed his classmates to be giving him some.

"Who gave that to me?" Howon repeated his question, fumbling with his fingers as he glanced at me. I gave him my disapproving look as a response. I didn't want Woohyun to think I was dating that Busan guy or something like that. Even though he just wanted to open the chance for me to give my first love the chocolates. But after giving it a second thought, I didn't want to give it to him anymore. I was too embarrassed after all.

"Don't tell me you have a girlfriend? You'd be the second one to be in a relationship. This girl being the first." He pointed at Hara next to him when he put the Peperos back onto Howon's desk.

Busan guy shook his head, denying the question as he answered coolly. "Just some friend."

"That's what they always say until they-" He didn't need to finish the sentence since  I already knew what he would say. Until they fall in love. He always said that. I wondered whether it was his motto or something. Or maybe he once was in love with his best friend. Not Sunggyu, I mean his female best friend. I didn't know. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know.

In the end, we ended up having conversations about different topics and left the one about the Pepero's Day untouched. We talked about the upcoming exams and the study session at my place. Woohyun remarked he had needed those study dates, too. This thought left me dreaming for awhile. Imagining myself being on a study date with Woohyun but I quickly waved it away. It was strange to daydream about someone who was present. Even though it was my first love and I felt close to him during lunch break. Something that only happened because of Hara.

I had to visit her again. Like it wasn't enough to be tortured by her presence before she was admitted to the hospital. Now I even had to visit her during her stay here. It wasn't like I had pity because she was in a hospital. Pity was something even worse than hate in my opinion. Pitying someone is like saying 'oh, sorry for that but I actually hate you and I'm just showing off my kindness'. I really hated pity.

But my parents insisted in visiting her, my monster aunt. And I had to do that alone. It was okay whenever my parents were around, but when I was alone with her, we would argue to the extent of hurting each other. We once almost fought because we went overboard. It was too much and since then we realized, we shouldn't argue like that. It was okay to hate each other, insult each other but we decided not to fight. Not to slap the other one since that was really disrespectful on both sides.

Actually, I was more shocked to see Myungsoo there. I haven't seen him for awhile at school. He wasn't even with Sungyeol or that Femme boy. It was like he just disappeared and then, I had to meet him at the hospital. I didn't know why he was even here. Whether he was visiting my aunt or what, but I was worried. Since he looked somehow down, too. He was staring at the ground or his hands that were clasped together as he hung his head low. He sat on one of the chairs in the reception room. And for some reasons, I felt a whole new air around him. It was like I actually knew nothing about him. It was like everything, we both experienced during the first day I met him because of the car incident until now, was just an illusion. Like I never actually payed attention enough to him. Like I wasn't a good friend. The smiling Myungsoo in my memory suddenly replaced itself with the frustrating looking one in front of me.

I approached him with slow steps, unsure how to start a conversation. We haven't seen each other for awhile. I didn't know where our relationship was currently at. I didn't know if we were friends who were able to talk about problems. Maybe he never saw me as a close friend. It was only his mother who pushed him to befriend with me. For some reasons, the thoughts made me feel sad.

"Myungsoo, hi." I waved awkwardly. I couldn't think of any other greeting, or rather, nothing else came into my mind than that stupid 'hi'. So I awkwardly stood there, slapping myself mentally and wanting him to tell me to sit down. Maybe he wasn't in the mood to talk. I would understand it. I would leave him alone. But on the other hand, I wanted him to rely on me a bit.

"Oh, hi." He smiled awkwardly at me, before telling me to take a seat next to him. I was glad that we somehow managed to overcome that awkward greeting. All the sadness from before in him suddenly disappeared. I couldn't even find a trace of sadness or sorrow.

"Why are you here?" I asked, unsure whether this was an appropriate question.

"A classmate." He answered, not meeting eyes with me. He seemed a bit cold. Even though I couldn't find sadness written across his face, I noticed his cold attitude. When I first met him, he was different. He was friendlier and warmer. Even when we had that trip to pray for my aunt, he only radiated warmth. I couldn't find that Myungsoo from that time anymore.

"Um, then I'll be leaving." I announced, already standing up. I wasn't stupid. When someone didn't want me to be there, I would know. It wasn't like I had no eyes to see that he didn't look into  mine when we were talking. I didn't blame him. He had some things in his mind and he was probably stressed. I was okay with it, since we weren't really good friends. We occasionally texted each other but we never actually talked more than a few sentences at school. I didn't want to bother him. And that feeling of not being wanted was something I would rather avoid.

"No, you can stay. Or rather, please stay." He suddenly said, finally looking into my eyes. That was when I saw sadness. When his eyes mirrored his true feelings. Something happened to him. I know it was normal that people weren't always the same. I was strange to Howon and Eunji, too when I found out that Woohyun might actually like Hara. So something might have happened to Myungsoo. And with his pleading eyes, I decided to stay with him. It was better than to meet my aunt.

"How have you been? My mom is constantly telling me to text you, but I don't want to annoy you." He spoke up after we remained in silence. That was why he hasn't texted me recently. I haven't either since I also thought I annoyed him. It was all a misunderstanding.

"No, you won't annoy me. Actually, I thought I was annoying you."

He chuckled lightly for the first time after I saw him with those sadness filled eyes. "That's bull."

I wanted to ask him why he hasn't been to school, why I wasn't able to see him and why his eyes looked so depressed. I wanted to ask him why his body produced those undereye bags. Why they were so dark. But I didn't. We still weren't on the basis of actually crying our hearts out. We were once strangers and turned into acquaintances. I would call him my friend now but I wasn't sure about him. I guess, keeping in touch with people was actually really difficult. And it was somehow sad.

"Do you want some coffee?" He asked me as he turned his body to the empty seat next to him. When he turned back around, he was holding a coffee can in his hand. "I bought it for my classmate but you can have it."

I need to add that this scene was the beginning of my coffee addiction in the later years. I never knew Myungsoo liked coffee, he didn't look like he actually did. Until he opened the can from his hands and drank a bit out of it. He actually did the same as Woohyun, holding the drink an inch away from his mouth to avoid an indirect kiss. Afterwards, he held it to my direction. I was skeptical at first since it was my first time actually drinking coffee. But he assured me that it was sweet coffee. Back then, I didn't know he actually meant latte macchiato.

I didn't remember how long we sat there, me still holding the empty can of coffee. He almost fell asleep, his head looking like he was bopping it to the rhythm of some music. It was cute to watch him trying hard not to fall asleep. I told him to sleep and when some doctor, or whomever he was waiting for, appeared I would wake him up but he insisted in staying awake. He said someone like me needed entertainment or else I would fall asleep as well. Because of Myungsoo, I even forgot about my aunt.

Then a doctor walked his way towards our direction and I knew he was aiming to say something to Myungsoo. When I turned my head to that Handsome boy, his eyes were closed so I nudged him and he opened his eyes with a quizzically look. "The doctor is here."

"Myungsoo, I told you, you could go home."

I recognized this voice immediately as I lifted my head to meet eyes with that Suji girl. Now that I saw her in front of me, I should have known since Myungsoo told me he was here because of a classmate. And I just recently found out during PE that she was in his class. I felt self-concious all of a sudden.

"I wanted to wait." He said warmly to her, as he remained in his seat. I couldn't help but feel a bit dejected that he was talking to her with such a soft voice while he directed cold words towards me just some hours ago.

That Suji girl bowed at me politely, before a smile grazed on her lips. She was indeed really beautiful. Now, when she stood in front of me, I noticed her pale face I couldn't compare with. But I did anyways. I wanted to look as beautiful as her. She turned her attention back to Myungsoo. "I'm hungry. Can we eat before we go home?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry, too." That was his sign to stand up and stretch his body and arms until he noticed me still sitting. "Hana, come and eat with us."

Eating with that couple? Hell, no. I didn't know whether they were really dating or not. But for me, it seemed like that. And besides that, I didn't know her. I didn't feel comfortable to be hanging around with them. I would rather hang out with Howon. I guess, Myungsoo noticed. I know, he was trying to be polite, asking me to tag along. But I would rather stay at home than to eat with a girl I didn't know. Not that I hated her. She was actually a really friendly person but it was still strange. And I would only be the thirdwheel. That wasn't something I wanted.

"Then, let me take you home. It's already dark outside."

"Why, where do you live again?" I asked him. If he lived in Hannam-dong like me, I would even let him walk me home. Just like Howon did. Since he lived in the same neighborhood. But as far as I could remember, Myungsoo lived somewhere else. I was at his home once because his mother invited me but I actually forgot where it was.

"Here, in Myeongdong."

"Then, no. I'll take the bus." I answered. I didn't want to bother him anymore. He waited for that Suji girl for hours and he was already so sleepy, he should eat and rest after that.

"Don't you live in Hannam-dong?" She asked politely, gaining my attention. I was reminded of the day we had that study session. When I went out to that little shop to buy some milk and snacks. She was there, too. "I live there currently, too."

"Then it's decided."

Back then, I seriously couldn't go against him. I wanted to refuse and say I could go home alone. But he insisted. No, they both insisted in taking me home. Myungsoo said it was because I stayed with him the whole time while he waited for that Suji girl. And she wanted me to be safe for whatever reasons. I couldn't help but give in, in the end. They even dragged me along to eat something. When we arrived at the kimchi restaurant - Myungsoo actually started this obsession of his - I noticed my stomache grumbling. Well, I haven't eaten anything either since I was at the hospital, staying with Myungsoo. So we ate and talked casually. Suji tried her best to invite me into the conversations. The both of them really included me in. I was glad, I didn't feel like a thirdwheel at all. Maybe they weren't dating after all. At the end of the day, the 11th November, Myungsoo brought us home. We first arrived at Suji's home. It wasn't huge. It resembled a little apartment. When we bid goodbye, I told him to go home since I knew the way back to my house and it was getting later. But he was a gentleman and brought me back home safely. He, himself, called his father to pick him up since it was on his father's way back home, I guess. We both waited outside my house for his father to arrive. It reminded me of the scene back in that town where we found shelter under the train station. In the end, before he went into his father's car - and it was my first time meeting his dad - I gave him the Peperos I previously wanted to give Woohyun. It wasn't a waste after all. When my heart wasn't able to give it to my first love, I decided to make someone else happy. In this case, it was Myungsoo. Back then, I didn't know he actually needed it more than Woohyun.

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¹ sunbae (korean) - senior, adressing your senior