Reply Thirty-One

Back in Autumn 2008. 

"Let's go together since the restroom is on the way."

I was surprised. Why would perfect-superhero-of-my-story Woohyun suddenly suggest to go together? OK, we were somehow friends (he had said it himself at the end of Summer), and I really wanted to believe that I had managed to get closer to my first love. Just thinking about our interactions on that basketball field made me feel all warm inside. And maybe in a few more steps, I'd be his girlfriend. Imagine all the flowers that would bloom in Autumn when that happened. 

We walked together, side by side. His tall and handsome self with the awkward me. My heart was beating to the rhythm of my favorite song as I tried my best to concentrate on breathing. I never felt this way next to Howon. Never. Because I only considered him as my friend. But Woohyun. Nam Woohyun. Freaking Nam Woohyun, he was my first love. I had liked him ever since that incident three years ago. He was prettier than any lily or rose. 

"So you guys are doing a cosplay booth." he suddenly said, catching me off-guard. I wasn't prepared to be asked my him, but I played it cool because I wasn't too keen in embarrassing myself in front of him. Although I really wanted to embrace his voice that felt like a fresh breeze of air. 

"Yeah, and some idiot used up all the white paint." I complained in hopes to entertain him somehow. To my luck, he did chuckle at my words. The oh so deep chuckle of his. If his voice was like fresh air, his chuckle was like the calming waves of the ocean. It was beautiful. 

The walk to the men's restroom remained silent after that with me trying hard to think of something decent to say that wouldn't embarrass me and with him humming to some tune. When we arrived, I turned around to him, smiling as if to tell him that he should go ahead. But he, to my surprise, didn't move. 

With round eyes, he asked me, "Will you wait for me?"

I didn't know what he meant with waiting. Should I wait for him at the autumn's festival to go together, or was he telling me to wait for his feelings to develop? That he would fall in love if I was patient enough? OK, those options were obviously created by my delusional self. But what did he really mean? With no chances left, I asked him, "What do you mean?"

"Wait for me here. I'll be quick." he answered. "I want to see the art room."

Was God deceiving me, or was I daydreaming? Because I honestly hadn't thought that Woohyun would want to hang out with me like that. That he would sacrifice his free time for someone like me. I knew we were considered friends but as for me, I saw him as someone much more than just a friend. It was difficult for me to know how to act around him. 

But I just nodded shyly, and it was worth all the embarrassment and confusion. Because he smiled in return and disappeared into the restroom. When I was sure he was doing his business in there, I decided to turn around and pressed my hands on my ears. As an act of courtesy. Because I, for sure, wouldn't like it if someone heard how I peed. Like the saying goes. Always do as you would be done by. 

After just a few minutes, he was done and came out of the restroom. As he jumped right next to me with a big grin playing on his lips, the swift movement followed by its small breeze allowed me to smell him. As disgusting as it sounded to smell someone after they were in the restroom, Woohyun honestly didn't smell gross. He smelled like his usual cologne mixed with soap. It was fresh and extremely alluring. OK, I was being a ert. 

"Let's go." To my luck, he didn't notice my erted thoughts. 

When we arrived in the art store room, he stayed behind and looked around while I walked towards the shelf with tins of paint. I heard how amazed Woohyun was by the store room as he occasionally let out small Wow's. He, then, began humming to the same tune like before, and I got curious so I asked him, "What are you singing to yourself?"

His eyes widened in joy as he walked towards me while pulling a pen out of one of the shelves he passed by. He grabbed a piece of paper randomly and wrote something down before ripping out his handwriting from the paper and passing it to me. 

"This song is amazing. I found it on the internet. You need to listen to it." was what he said after giving me the piece of paper. He was grinning widely, looking at me with such warm eyes. I felt myself getting lost in his dark orbs. He was so beautiful. His handwriting was so beautiful. He was perfect. 

I glanced at the piece of paper when he averted his eyes and was about to leave. But then, he turned back around and offered to hold the paint tin. I didn't want him to hold something heavy for me so I declined. He just laughed and I trailed after him when he said, "Listen to it. Really, now. And tell me how you find it."

After that event, when I was back home, I searched the song on my father's computer and listened to it all day long. I didn't know why Korea wouldn't play these songs in the radio. They did, but not frequently. What a pity. 

The piece of paper with his very own handwriting, the one that he had touched with his own hands. I glued it into my scrapbook with the subtitle My first love's handwriting. It was precious to me. It was as precious as Big Bang's posters on my wall. It was as precious as Johnny Depp's photo in my wallet. Because it was Woohyun. Because I loved him. 

Spring 2009. 

Who in the world would have thought that I would hear this song today out of all days? Seriously, who? Oh, the coincidences. 

"Aren't we going in?" Eunji asked, looking worried about me. I could count myself lucky since I had my best friend with me. Doing that alone would be too scary and frightening. 

The thing was, my aunt (who was out again) had told me that she needed her phone which was on her nightstand. Since I was a good niece, I had decided to bring it to her. Especially since Eunji and I had wanted to hang out in Myeondong, anyways. So, she had sent the address of her current location over someone's phone to her own (that I was still holding in my sweaty hands) for me to see. When Eunji and I had arrived at the respective street, we saw a bar. My freaking aunt was still going to bars to get drunk although she had just undergone a surgery. 

But my anger towards her had subsided the moment I realized that it was the same bar. The same one where I had spotted Sunggyu. And to top it all, he was the one singing the very song Woohyun had recommended to me.

Honestly now, what were the odds to have your aunt calling because she needed you to bring her phone to her current location which was the bar where you had seen the guy you were awkward with, now singing along to your first love's recommended song? Honestly. What were the odds?

Although I had to thank Sunggyu for reminding me of that sweet memory from my last Autumn. Though, I also remembered that I had never gotten the chance to tell Woohyun whether I liked the song or not, and he had also never asked me. Despite all this, I was still keeping Woohyun's handwriting in my scrapbook, and it still pained me whenever I looked at it. But the pain didn't really hurt. It was more of a nostalgia stab. And when I looked back at the past, there was also the regretful stab. 

"Isn't that Sunggyu singing?" Eunji asked. "He is good."

​Oh yeah, he was good. He was really good at singing. His voice wasn't too deep, but it had its own color. If I had to point out which color, it would be the color of honey. I didn't know why but when I listened to his voice, I was reminded of honey. Though, I had to admit, I liked Woohyun's voice more. Or maybe it was just the aftereffect of having liked someone for so long. 

So why was I afraid to walk into the bar? First of all, I was scared of drunk people ever since my aunt's welcoming party. They were stupid, disgusting and smelled like vomit. Secondly, my aunt's friends were there, too and I hated those people. They were stupid, disgusting and smelled like vomit. Thirdly, we were minors. We weren't allowed to go to bars, and my freaking aunt wouldn't pick up the phone when we called the number that she had used to contact us. (Fourthly, Sunggyu was there.)

"Let's just quickly go in. If the people stop us, we're gonna tell them that we just want to deliver a phone." my best friend suggested, dragging me along. We entered the bar so quickly that I seriously blamed myself for not struggling harder. But honestly, why was Eunji so strong? 

As expected, the bar was filled with drunk people, the smell of alcohol and was covered with disgusting heat. It wasn't too crowded, though. Around 15 adults? Some were just sitting at stools, sipping their drinks and drowning their problems in alcohol. Some were slow-dancing to the music that the band was playing. I let my eyes wander towards the people making music and spotted Sunggyu. He looked chic and cooler with his messy hair. He also wore flashy clothes and he gave off a different feeling than the guy from the convenience store usually did. Was he even wearing eyeliner?

I couldn't continue analyzing him because Eunji pulled me towards my aunt and her friends. I quickly gave her the phone and was about to leave because I couldn't stand the bar anymore, but my aunt stopped me as she said, "Hana, don't tell your mom or dad, alright?"

I felt like strangling her. Or slapping her. Just something to make her wake up from her illusion of the world being perfect and flawless. Because in this reality, we could die from drinking too much. We could die by falling asleep and never waking up. We could die at every second. But then, I realized I didn't care anymore. If my aunt wanted to ruin herself, then I would not be the one to stop her. 

I sent my last glance over to the band that was now playing an upbeat song and found Sunggyu looking at me with an expression I couldn't read from this distance. And I wondered and wondered and thought about Woohyun and wondered more and thought of their friendship and wondered just what happened and realized that the song was extremely and ironically fitting. 

It was surprisingly the first time for Eunji to meet Inguk - the guy I had wanted to set her up with. Well, not anymore. He wasn't good for her. He was kinda weird. I didn't want a weird guy to be my best friend's boyfriend. And I had befriended myself with the idea of Sungyeol and Eunji being an item. That Giraffe was a decent guy, and he was Myungsoo's friend. That could only mean the best of best. 

Howon (I refused to call him Hoya, now.) delighted us with his presence, too. Though, he was doing his job as a gas station attendant, thus, I couldn't count on his help to prevent Inguk and Eunji to happen. Really. They couldn't be a couple. That wouldn't end well. I loved Eunji too much to let her date someone like Inguk. Don't get me wrong. I liked him. He was weird, but I liked him. I just didn't like the idea of him calling my best friend honey or darling. It gave me the creeps. 

While the both of them were arguing about something trivial, I glanced around the convenience store. Despite Inguk's strange ways of working, he did quite a good job on maintaining his father's shop. The products were always neatly placed into the shelves. Missing items were always restocked. It honestly looked like a scenery from an anime where everything was too perfect to be true. I especially liked the staff room. I had been there a few times already, and I liked how the employees made sure that it looked comfortable. Hey, there was even a lime green couch with matching pillows. And green was surprisingly a color that calmed hearts. At least, so it seemed to me.

I was sitting on empty crates of Coke (again!) as I threw a glance outside, noticing a girl talking to Busan guy. He was leaning against the pump machine in the forecourt, his hands stuck into the pockets of his jeans. He had recently visited the hairdresser which was why his sides were shaved and it contributed to his coolness level. The wind was messing up his hair, though, he still looked good. He was squinting his eyes because of the sun, but still looked at the girl in front of him. It took me a few seconds to realize that the girl was Miyoung. She had apparently dyed her hair that now contained the vibrant colors of red-brown. Her hands were crossed in front of her chest as she smiled at him sweetly. I had said it already, but this girl had one of the most charming eye smiles.

I wasn't sure what they were doing outside. Why Miyoung came although she had already quitted the job. I didn't know why she looked like she was trying to impress him. Maybe she was flirting with him. Come to think of it, they had been really close recently. Not only because Howon had invited her to the underground battles, but also because of Miyoung's subtle or not so subtle ways of pursuing him. I was once in love, too. I knew all the inconveniences girls would take upon themselves for the guy they liked. And I bet her hair hadn't been so pretty when she had woken up this morning.

"Hana-sshi," someone behind me called out. I slightly jumped in surprise, tensing at the sudden appearance of a voice. When I turned around, I got an even bigger shock. Face almost too close - I felt my own heartbeat increasing. Dude, this wasn't even funny. You know the times when someone jumps out from the corner to scare you, and when your heart beats so fast you feel like running someone over with a truck because you were so scared? I was exactly feeling this way. Without the truck part, though. 

Sunggyu didn't look unaffected, either. Lips pressed into a firm line, he looked down on me, eyes flickering from side to side. They, then, landed on my chin to my eyes, and it felt so weird, I quickly looked away and mumbled, "Drop the honorifics. If one of us was supposed to use them, it should be me. Since you are older."

Was it disrespectful? Was it rude? I never used honorifics around Howon or Sunggyu. Not even around Inguk, and he was much older than me. Yet, no one really cared about that. I wondered why. 

We stayed silent for awhile until he decided to tell me the reason as to why he called me in the first place. With a small smile, he asked, "Um, can you stand up, please? I need to move these crates."

Not wasting anymore seconds, I jumped off from the uncomfortable seat and provided him the space for lifting the empty crates. All the while, I watched as the muscles of his arms tensed up, and how he fixed his attention on his task. I was about to look away because I lost interest, but he spoke up, and I couldn't turn away, "Were you at a bar recently?"

I was surprised he even asked me about it, but I saw no reason to lie so I nodded. "Yeah. I was."

"So it was you." he muttered, placing the upper crate on a hand truck. He, then, looked at me, causing me to set my eyes on anything but him. "But you weren't supposed to be there. You aren't legal, yet."

"I know. I was there because of my aunt." I explained, praying for this moment just to end. I felt like I was being interrogated by a policeman for commiting a crime I never did out of ill intentions. Not that Sunggyu meant to intimidate me. Not that he ever meant to harm me. Like I had once said, I always connected this guy with warmth. 

When he finally left me alone after his interrogation, and when I saw Howon entering the store with Miyoung happily trailing behind, I remembered the song that Woohyun had recommended to me. And I remembered what I had thought about back at the bar. And I realized I still felt the same way. 

As a kid, I was taught to never lie. Not to other kids, not to teachers and not to parents. Especially not to parents. Sometimes, it was okay to lie to elders. Like when my mom couldn't pick me up on time during primary school because she had to snatch the cheapest offer in the supermarket. She did have told my little self to wait patiently. But I was supposed to lie to my teacher if she ever asked. I guess, it was a matter of pride and reputation. Lie when it hurts your pride. That's what they taught me. 

But when I lied for others, I always got in trouble for commiting a sin. I was so generous to lie for my aunt, pretending to not have seen her at the bar, but my good intentions backfired. They found out, and I got in trouble. 

"How can you drink poison when your body hasn't even healed yet, huh?" Since a few minutes ago, my mother had been on beast mode, meaning she could tear you in halves if she wanted to. But I wasn't talking about physical pain. "It was okay at your welcoming party. But you aren't supposed to ruin your organs after discharge. You want to go back to the hospital? Really?"

My mom said exactly the things I had always wanted to yell at my aunt. I was glad we were able to agree on that. Though, it surprised me that my mom actually seemed deeply affected by it. Usually, it would be my dad or my grandfather to discipline my aunt. Never my mom. She was always soft to her. But recently, she had gotten more sensitive about almost everything. Maybe because she'd had a fever not long ago. 

"And you," she began, pointing at me, "why were you hiding it from us? Why didn't you tell us? You want your aunt's death? Are you guys still so childish to argue about every small thing?"

Wow, in just a flash, she blamed me for everything and nothing. That was what I had meant by her not destroying someone through physical pain. I was hurt that she truly believed I would want my aunt's death. I was honestly hurt by her words. Blaming me was partly right. But it was also partly wrong. I was so angry, I had really, really negative thoughts. Thoughts I shouldn't have about my mother. 

"It's okay." my father in, softly pulling my mother away from us. "Hana, go upstairs. Sooyun, come with me."

With one last glance at my aunt, I disappeared into my room, hoping for this nightmare to end. Okay, maybe I was exaggerating. My dad, as I knew him, would only talk with his sister, trying to explain why she was wrong. My mother would calm down after a while. And my negative thoughts would disappear, too, leaving me guilty for having them. It wasn't really a big deal. Really. And yet, I couldn't help but listen to Woohyun's recommended song. 

Sunshine was leaking through the windows of the room, casting shadows of his eyelashes on his cheekbones. Despite his eyes being closed, I noticed the movements of his eyeballs under the thin skin. I waited one second, two, threeㅡ

"Stop staring at me."

Myungsoo chuckled, his chest heaving up and down. He finally opened his eyes, looking at me with an amused smile. The sun was directly pointed at his face, making it unable for him to open his eyes wide. "I feel uncomfortable."

I shook my head at him, giving him a look. "You're supposed to stay awake."

He waved my remark away like he didn't care and closed his eyes another time, lips still curled into a smile. I thought he looked really good, peacefully pretending to sleep so I just let him be. Taking a book from one of the shelves, I flipped through the pages, enjoying the pictures from old Korea. Myungsoo, next to me, looked like he was really going to fall asleep which amused me. I was about to tickle his nose (don't ask me why!) but Eunji and Sungyeol finally came back from the grocery shop. 

"What took you guys so long?" I asked. "I thought I was going to die out of boredom."

"You had Myungsoo." Sungyeol remarked, placing the paper bag on the counter.

"Were any visitors here?" Eunji asked, looking around her family's store. I watched as Sungyeol took the items out that they had bought, finding nothing but sweets and ice cream. My head was about to give Eunji's earlier question an answer, but Myungsoo beat me to it. 

"Nope, just Hana and me." He took the orange popsicle in his hands, examining the package for the flavor before asking, "Can I have this?"

Eunji nodded in response, offering me Cled'or ice cream - my all time favorite. It was even the Berrymix one. But I thought about my current weight, and declined politely. Myungsoo noticed and asked me why I wouldn't eat it. I gave him a look and said, "Girls need to take care of their weight. Unlike guys."

For a moment, he looked at me with indifferent eyes, but they changed into gentle ones in a matter of seconds that I almost hadn't caught on. He was about to say something, but Eunji suddenly starting addressing us. 

"I have actually something to tell you." She looked at Sungyeol, at Myungsoo, at me and then back at the ground. She sighed and nervously interlaced her fingers. She pressed her lips into a thin line and took a deep breath before speaking up. I knew it wasn't going to be happy news the moment she looked right back at me.

"I'm moving to Busan this summer."

Like a broken record, Woohyun's song repeated itself in my head. Word for word. Chord after chord. It wasn't The Fray's original version, though. It was Sunggyu's rendition of How to Save a Life. And for the first time since I was introduced to the song, I actually understood the mood that the band had wanted to create. 

​I lost a friend. I lost a friend. 

__________________________________

I have a long list of English songs that I want Sunggyu (and Woohyun) to sing.

​The Fray's How to Save a Life is one of them. 

Interpret as much as you like.

Memory from Autumn 2008 was hinted at the end of Reply 8.

PS: We surpassed the 200 subscribers mark. Thank you. I'm too happy.

PSS: Kill me, just kill me. Before the edit, I have written 'Safe' instead of 'Save'

Like, for real, now? God, kill me!