Reply Five

People say you only need 59 seconds to fall in love with someone. 10 seconds to find out if you want to get to know him. 15 seconds for making sure you could imagine a relationship with him. 20 seconds to check the ideal characteristic list in your head. 10 seconds to find out if he might be interested in you, too. The remaining 4 seconds to check if your heart is beating crazily. If those first 59 seconds didn't work, he might not be the one. How can you be sure that they worked? Not at all. You won't know. You can't find out. That's why the search for love is so difficult. Because we can't decide anything in here. Because it's like magic, you can't control. 

I was watching Sailor Moon on TV when Eunji stormed into my room. It was the week-end. After I met Myungsoo, the quiet guy from class 3 - 2, my best friend couldn't leave me alone anymore. She almost flipped out when she saw him greeting me with a smile and a Good morning. She wanted to strangle me because I didn't tell her that Myungsoo and I were friends. But I haven't even had the chance to tell her. She skipped school the whole week since her parents wanted her to help the shop. I was so alone in school that I clinged too much on Howon, our Busan guy. He didn't mind much since he actually liked me, too. He never told me but I kind of assumed it. We always walked to school together, ever since Eunji stopped going to school because of the shop. He would always lend me one of his earbuds and show me his music. I actually started liking Usher and Chris Brown's With You because of that dancer boy. During lunch he would show me some dance moves while I enjoyed the food my mother prepared. At Tuesday, Hara joined us in the bus. I couldn't act like I hated her since I felt bad for her somehow. The girls hated her, I was probably the only girl who actually talked to her. Howon once told me that he couldn't leave her alone like that. I found out during that week, Eunji didn't go to school, that he was a really considerate person. Even though he tried to set Woohyun and her up without considering my feelings. Since he didn't know of them. At Thursday, Woohyun joined our lunch gathering with Hara. I almost choked at my drink when he appeared right behind Hara. She told us that he asked her if he could tag along. I almost spilled all my drink when Sunggyu joined us, too. I glared at that guy since I couldn't actually like him. Whenever I saw him, I had the urge to throw up. I actually had to thank Hara for bringing Woohyun along. Since it was the first time, I had the chance to eat with him. But on the other hand, he only stared at her so I couldn't actually be happy for that. At Friday, Myungsoo passed by me on the school's hallway, smiling at me.

Eunji and I sang together the opening song of Sailor Moon. We both still really adored Sailor Moon but we would never tell anyone. It was our secret. We were already third years. We couldn't act like kids, that was why we always visited each others' homes to let our inner kid out. "Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight."

"Never running from a real fight, she is the one named Sailor Moon." I joined in.

"She will never turn her back on a friend. She is always there to defend." Eunji looked at me, swaying her index finger to the music.

"She is the one on whom we can depend. She is the one named Sailor..."

"Sailor Venus! Sailor Mercury! Sailor Mars! Sailor Jupiter!" We both sang together, almost crying to the extent of the neighbors complaining. That was how we enjoyed our life. We both laughed like idiots when we finished the song. My mom even yelled at us for being so loud but it didn't stop us from continue laughing.

At night, when Eunji went back to her place, I fished my scrapbook out from my drawer. I flipped through the pages when I finally reached the newest blank page. I felt the urge to write something about Woohyun. I just missed him. Even though we occasionally greeted each other, our conversation never lasted long. He was too busy looking at Hara. I was glad that I never talked with him alone. Howon was always beside me. Or else, it would have been even more awkward. I searched for my pen, and when I found it, I started writing.

He didn't avert his eyes from me. He continue staring into mine with his love-filled eyes. His lips were tugged upwards, signaling he tried to surpress his beautiful smile. He held me tightly in his arms as if he wouldn't want to let me go in near future. With his one hand, he carressed my cheeks to wipe away the tears I cried out. Just some moments ago, I was pestered with sad thoughts. Just some moments ago, I cried my heart out, whimpered silently to myself when he found me in the bathroom, curled into a ball. He immdediately took me in his arms and tried to calm me down. Just the steady beat of his heart stopped my tears. I was so weak. He was the drug, the medicine I needed to stay alive. I was

I stopped writing when I noticed that I indeed cried. Even though I just wrote an invented scenario, it actually felt so real. Maybe because I actually wrote my current feelings down. Because I indeed felt like crying whenever I saw him glancing at Hara. At school, I was the tough girl. The strong one who had a sharp tongue. But at home, I was the real Hana. The one who cried when she watched Princess Mononoke. The one who shed tears when she listened to DBSK's music since they were so emotional. Sometimes, I wondered by myself, why the hell I had to be born into that strong girl image. Why I had to be the one who was witty and sometimes stubborn as well. Why I wasn't born as an innocent and cute girl like Hara. Why Woohyun didn't look at me instead.

It was Wednesday when Eunji and I walked to school. Howon didn't tag along, he stayed at the back of the bus with Hara. I only smiled slightly at him when we met eyes. But when Hara tried to catch my glance, I quickly looked away. Since yesterday I didn't know how to act in front of her now. When we first interacted with each other, it was awkward but still better than I expected. Now I seriously didn't know how to treat her. I couldn't even greet her anymore. All the pity I felt for her a week ago was gone like the occasionally appearing wind in summer. I was jealous, I was envious that she had the life I couldn't have.

In class, Howon tapped me on the shoulder with his pen - he was seated right behind me after the seat plan change - and leaned over to whisper. I leaned back in response to listen to his words, still not averting my eyes from the teacher. I wasn't too keen in getting into trouble. "Are you okay? You seem a bit strange today."

I never expected him to actually notice that. I never thought Howon - the Busan guy whom I've only known for some weeks - would be so considerate even towards me. Especially in that kind of way without mutual feelings. Maybe he really was interested in the same gender. I quickly waved the absurd thought away and answered him instead. "Just your imagination."

"I don't think so. You are acting unusual." I quickly waved him off, telling him to just let it go since the teacher already stared at us suspiously.

Remember how I told you that people fall in love in 59 seconds? If there is this possibilty, there is also the other way round. People can fall out of love in 59 seconds. It's also something you can't control or decide for yourself. That's what happened with my love for Taeyang when SHINee became popular in Spring 2009. Not that I started hating on Taeyang, I still love him. To be honest, I really admire him now in year 2013. Big Bang is worldwide popular. But in Spring 2009, I just started liking SHINee. In just 59 seconds, my attention turned its direction to the new SM Entertainment group. At first, I didn't want to admit it. I wasn't going to admit that I started liking SHINee's leader. Because I wanted to stay faithful to Big Bang. But it just happened eventually. I started liking SHINee more in 2009. 

I was about to run some errands for my homeroom teacher, consisting of fetching a box of chalks and a new sponge, when I almost tripped over the bin in the middle of the hallway. I didn't pay attention to it since I looked out of the windows to observe birds. I knew it was still summer but autumn wasn't far either. But the weather was still nice. We students were able to wear our summer uniform, composed of a skirt for the girls and pants for the boys. I know, for the guys it was the same in winter or summer. Just with the extra blazer on cold days.

I walked down the hallway of the first years since it was the only direction leading to the janitor, when I saw a familar figure outside between bushes. I was a bit far away so I knew that person wouldn't notice me staring at them. The way his hair was swept to the side, I recognized it right away. It was Woohyun since I had those eyes that could find him in a crowd full of people. I didn't understand why he would be outside when class already started minutes ago. I kept on watching him when I continued my steps. He didn't look like he was happy, nor did he look angry or sad. I was reminded by the scenario one year ago. When he stood alone in the playground as the rain poured down on him. Even though back then, he looked sad, like he almost cried, I was still reminded by that scene. Because after a year, it was still the same. I was still so far away from reaching him.

How was it the right order again, when you saw something shocking that you didn't expect? First, the eyes widen. The chest starts to hurt or the heart proceeds in beating faster. Then, the whole body becomes numb and it feels like the whole world just shuts down. That was the feeling I felt when I saw Hara standing in front of him. I didn't notice her at first, since she was covered by Woohyun's tall body before I walked further down the hallway. The whole scene seemed suspicious to me. He, touching the nape of his neck, and she, eyes directed to the ground. I readt enough romance mangas that I knew this whole scenario looked like a love confession. The way they both didn't look into each others' eyes. They seemed nervous. 

Why was I so shocked? Everything happened 2 years ago as well. When he approached a girl, when they started dating. Even though back then, it hurt me, somehow this time the pain was even stronger. Maybe because I thought I might have a chance. Maybe because this year, we actually started talking with each other. Because this year of 2008 he took notice of me. But Hara appeared and destroyed everything. Two years ago, I was able to cope with his relationship with that girl because she didn't attend our high school. Because I never saw them together everyday. I pretty much avoided them.

I didn't notice how tears were b in my eyes. How I felt dizzy suddenly. People who readt my story, would think that the feeling I have for Woohyun might not be love. That love meant something different. I would agree to them, but what was that feeling then? Why was he able to make me cry like that? 

I walked away, I couldn't watch any longer. Even though I didn't actually cry when I reached the janitor's office, it still hurt. My chest tightened whenever I remembered the scene. Whenever the image of them together flashed my mind. I seriously hated her. That Hara girl. She acted like she wasn't interested in him but in fact, she actually liked him, too. I hated those girls the most. Acting innocent and stuff. Why did Woohyun give her a chance even though I have liked him much longer? Why did it always happen to the other girls?

Even when I returned to my classroom -  the teacher looked at me with furrowed eyebrows - my heart still hurt. It was like someone pressed a stone into my chest or something like that. Like someone pierced a knife into my heart. I didn't want to cry. Not in my classroom. Not in front of the teacher. Not in front of Eunji. I just realize, I have never told her about liking Woohyun. Now, when I look back, I feel bad. That I never told her about my first love, that she had to find out from someone other. Maybe I already failed at the beginning.

Howon followed right behind Eunji and me after school. I knew he wanted to ask me what happened that I seemed to look so down and I was flattened by that but I seriously didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to go home and curl myself into a ball. I just wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted to watch some Dragon Ball to ease my mind. I wanted to eat my mother's food. Was that too much to ask for?

"Hana, wait." It was Eunji who looked back to see him running up towards us. I noticed how her eyes widened by that sight behind us. I knew she kind of liked him. I knew she was interested in him because he came from Busan just like her. But she would never admit it. When she told me that he was hers back then when Howon just transfered, she was obviously just joking. I knew her since childhood. She never admitted for real that she liked someone. Hell, I wasn't even sure if she actually liked Myungsoo in our first year. But for some reasons, I actually believed that she might like Howon or was gonna like him.

"Howon, go home." I didn't turn around to meet his eyes. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to him. But he didn't seem to understand. He insisted in going with us.

"I'm going the same way. Let's go together."

At first, I stopped at my tracks to glare him, signaling I wasn't in the mood to argue with him about that. Maybe I should add that Howon and I always argued about the weirdest stuff during the time Eunji didn't go to school. Not in the way where we both started being hateful to each other. It was for fun. We actually teased each other by arguing. But because he looked at Eunji who nodded in my direction, telling me that she was okay with him tagging along, I couldn't say no. Since she started liking him and I wanted to be a good friend helping her.

The walk was kind of awkward. I was placed right between those two. Howon frequently glanced at me, not uttering a word at all which irked me. I knew he knew that I didn't want to speak but glancing secretly at me just wouldn't work either. I hated people looking at other people without saying a thing. And Eunji didn't speak either. It was unusual for her not to speak. But I just blamed it on Howon, since he was the first Busan guy we met in Seoul.

When we finally bid goodbye with Eunji, since we already reached her home - not without noticing her strange look to me - Howon finally spoke up. It was already suspicious that he followed us until Eunji's home since I knew he always went the other direction when we exited the bus near our neighborhood. He lived on the opposite block but he still followed us like a little lost dog. Because of that, I knew he wanted to say something he couldn't because of my best friend's presence.

"I can see that my friend is feeling unwell. Why?"

It was the first time after he bothered me on the school yard that I truly looked into his eyes. That I lifted my head to see his face. He looked at me with a worried expression. I just noticed that it was already the second time that he cared for me. That he asked me what happened. I couldn't really understand why he stuck his nose into my business when we weren't close friends. Well, he helped me from choking on peanuts. He was there when I found out that I was allergic to nuts. And we occasionally chatted. But that was all. I wasn't as close with him as I was with Eunji whom I've known for almost my whole life. Maybe because I clinged to him when Eunji didn't go to school, he considered us to be close.

"Dude, you are too curious and overinterpreting things."

I tried my best to sound normal. To sound like the usual me. I tried to cover my uneasiness and sadness. I tried to keep my thoughts away from Woohyun and that Hara girl. I just wanted to go home and watch my favorite anime. But Howon was making everything really difficult for me. He just didn't let it go. "You are a bad actress."

He approached me. I already stood in front of my house when he wouldn't avert his eyes from me. He stared down, catching my eyes. I suddenly became nervous. It was like he saw through me. It was like he knew exactly what was going on in my life. Like he could read the thoughts I tried my best to keep away from everyone. I lowered my glance at his lips when I noticed how they parted to speak. "There are four things I've got to know about you in the last weeks. First,"

I gulped down, preparing myself to be exposed by him. He was half a meter away from me, his eyes boring into mine as he continued on. "You are allergic to peanuts. I was there when you almost fainted. If you forgot, I was the one who panicked because of you."

I surpressed the laughter that started to errupt from my throat. He just reminded me of the scene where he started cursing incoherent words at the air. To be honest, that scene was too cute and I still love to remind him about that moment even in year 2013. He then raised two fingers in the air. "Second, you are a random girl. You say weird things and you are just like me, have a sharp tongue. That's why we get along, I think."

My body started to be warmed by his words. He just told me that he liked me indirectly. That I was someone fun to hang out with. For just a moment, I forgot the pain and the image of Woohyun and Hara, when he proceeded in listing the things he got to know about me. "Third, you don't seem to like Hara for some reasons. I'm not sure why. But you seem pretty awkward with her. Maybe it's a girl's thing. That when they meet pretty girls, they get hostile."

I scoffed at his remark. I felt the urge to punch him because he said something I didn't want to admit. I just couldn't admit that I was jealous of her. That it was because she was pretty. Hell no, it was because Woohyun found her pretty. Because he liked her face. And Howon just pointed it out. I was about to turn around to walk up the steps of my home to reach the door when he grabbed my wrist and spun me around. "Fourth, you are someone who hides her feelings. Someone who wants to keep people away from her heart. I don't know why. I don't understand why you won't even tell your best friend about your problem. Why you think that you alone can fight it. That you are strong enough."

I stared at him. It was like he saw right through me. Like he knew exactly what was going on. I never knew someone could understand me more than Eunji did. His eyes softened when he noticed my tears b in my eyes. He let go of my wrist. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you... It's just..."

He looked at me with a determined face. "I consider your as a friend."

"The one I liked for 3 years confessed to a girl." I began, not looking up. I was too ashamed of my tears to look at Howon. "Now, you'll think what a stupid girl I am to be depressed because of something petty like that."

He didn't answer me. I took it as a sign to speak up again after a long pause. "Can I go now?"

Without awaiting his answer, I turned around not giving him a last look. The rest of my day consisted of watching tragedy dramas or those movies with horror genres. I cried the whole night with tissues thrown at the ground. My mom woke up in the middle of the night to pour herself some water when she noticed me still watching movies in the living room. All she did was scoffing. She didn't even scold me. She was too tired to yell. I turned off the TV and walked back to my room. It was going to be a long and exhausting night.

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                                                                                                                                      "60 seconds are enough for a story."