Reply Thirty-Four

Summer 2009

“I'm sorry,” said Eunji, looking quite apologetic on my laptop screen. In the background, you could see her baby cousins playing with an Iron Man action figure and her grandmother making kimchi. “I wished I could be there with you.”

I laughed. “It's okay. I have my family. I'm fine.”

“Have you alreadyㅡIT'S UNDER THE COUCHㅡunwrapped your presents?” she asked, simultaneously answering her mother who was asking where her missing comb was. I watched how Mrs. Jung, in her summer dress, bended her body in a weird angle to look under the couch.

Shaking my head, I said, “Nope. I haven't really received presents this year. Just money. A lot of money.”

It was sad how nicely wrapped presents had decreased in number while the amount of money increased. I mean, it wasn't exactly sad since I had received a lot of money I could spend on clothes and CDs and books. The only sad thing was, you realized you were growing up. Parents don't bother to surprise you anymore. You won't wake up and think, 'Yay, it's my birthday today. Let's see what they've bought me.' When you grow older, you will start to think, 'It's my birthday? Well, cool.' Not only does your enthusiasm fade out when you reach a certain age, you also loose your interest in being special. Birthdays aren't so secretly special anymore. Nothing's special about it, really.

“You've promised me to make up with Myungsoo,” remarked Eunji suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence between us.

“I know. But he is in Japan right now,” I explained, ignoring the nagging voice at the back of my head. “I will talk to him when he's back.”

“Good girl.” She smiled. Her older cousin, who was very handsome, suddenly appeared on the screen, waving at me. I knew him from Eunji's family gatherings during holidays. He used to make fun of me a lot. Teasing me because of my love and obsession for Johnny Depp or Big Bang's Taeyang, or even playing pranks on me. Eunji used to say he had behaved that way towards me because he liked me. Though, we were proven wrong when he had announced his relationship with this really pretty girl two summers ago.

When he finally disappeared from the screen because Eunji had pushed him away, she started sighing, looking at me through the screen with nostalgic eyes. “Don't you think it's like we are actually right next to each other? Without the distance and all? Like I'm still in Seoul?”

I chuckled. “Well, except I'm only seeing you two-dimensionally.” She laughed along. “But true, it's like we were never separated.”

“I'm coming back this winter, anyways. I will bring a lot of presents for you to unwrap.”

“And I'll save money so I can treat you to some pork belly meat.”

We continued talking for another hour until Eunji had to do the dishes in the kitchen. Her little cousins were waving at me when she was about to close the laptop. It was heartwarming, to be honest. They kind of made my day a bit brighter, a bit more bearable. And when I logged off, Dongwoo entered my room with a worried expression on his face.

“You didn't tell her about Howon?” he asked, plopping down right next to me on the bed, as I shook my head in response. With his honest eyes, he continued, “You should. I think she would want to know.”

“I will tell her later.”

“Where's he, anyways? On a road trip with his siblings?”

“Yeah. He won't be back until August.”

Dongwoo pursed his lips slightly, his eyebrows knitting together. “So Howon is gone. Eunji is in Busan. Myungsoo in Tokyo.” He looked at me, surprised. “Then, aren't you quite lonely?”

I laughed. “No, I have you.”

The ends of his eyes crinkled as he pulled me into a tight hug. His laughter resonated in my ears and the warmth of his body spread across my skin. I was glad Dongwoo had decided to visit during this summer break. I wouldn't know what to do without him. With my favorite cousin by my side, it didn't feel lonely anymore. I didn't have to think too much about Howon or Myungsoo or Eunji. His everlasting happiness infected me. And it was a good sign. A really good sign.

“Shall we do something, then?” he asked, after letting go off me. “It's your birthday today. We should hang out.”

“And what do you have in mind?”

“I don't know.” He laughed.

And I laughed along.

We decided to hang out in Idae for a change, simply because Myeongdong was too crowded to our liking. The brisk air of youth (I'm being poetic, now) lingered around us, creating soft nostalgia. Families, business men, kids and couples were strolling around the boutiques, occasionally casting glances into the shops. I saw a guy walking past us and for a moment, I thought it was Woohyun. It was just some random guy who had the same hairstyle, though.

Dongwoo was constantly checking his phone, all smiling to himself as if he was texting his girl or something. I decided to ask him about it, but he just shook his head. “It's not a girl,” was his answer. So I left him be.

We passed by a hair salon, then a cosmetic shop and a fashion boutique until we arrived in front of a game center. It was extremely crowded, even outside the arcade. Actually, a good deal of girls and some guys were gathered at the entrance, making it extremely difficult for passengers to pass by. And when I looked into the center, I realized it was because there were already hundreds of teenagers standing there like they were waiting for the gates to a concert to open. It was scary because everyone was pushing and shoving, even I felt suffocated by the sight.

“What's happening?” Dongwoo asked, looking up from his phone to catch a glimpse of the scene in front of us.

Curiosity got the better of me, and so I found myself tiptoeing to take a better look into this game center. But oh well, those girls in front of me were tall. So tall that I felt like I was some midget in their presence. At last, I decided that the scene happening in there wasn't worth my time or dignity (because of those tall girls).

We wanted to leave this place, but those pubescent teenagers weren't making way so Dongwoo took my hand to get us out of here until we heard the screams, and started understanding the words those crazy girls were producing with their voices. And then, I saw it.

“Are my eyes deceiving me?” I asked Dongwoo for confirmation.

“Nope.”

“I'm really seeing this, right?”

I heard a gulp. “I guess, you are, and I guess, I am, too.”

“I'm really seeing him, right?”

“Yup, definitely.”

And then, I almost went blank. But not really, because I still remember what I had done and thought back then. Maybe even a bit too clearly and detailed. Or maybe I was making all these up because, people, don't ever rely on your memories. They are mostly false constructions of your mind, mixed with your fantasies. It's like believing magicians can actually do magic. (They can't. Sorry to have ruined your life.)

So what my memory tells me had happened that day is the following: I met Big Bang's Seungri. No jokes, now. I really did. This was a fact I was convinced of. Dongwoo was there, too, and he could confirm this to you, if you want. I really saw Big Bang's Seungri. But just for a few seconds...

He was trying to get away from the crowd of fangirls (and fanboys) because they had recognized him in the game center. Or maybe he had sought refuge in this place because they recognized him. I didn't know, but I felt really bad for him. I mean, he was trying to push himself a way out while those ruthless girls tried taking pictures, grabbing him by his arm. It was a horrendous sight. Not that I was a saint, either.

I really wanted to take a picture, too. I really wanted him to sign my tshirt or whatever I had in my bag. But I guess, common sense prevented me from bothering him with my needs and desires because I saw him getting really uncomfortable. Those fans were just too crazy and pushy. (Although it was my birthday...) Though, I guess I'd have been the same, if it had been Taeyang instead.

The idol soon left the place with that swarm of girls (and a few boys) trailing behind as we continued our stroll on the streets. I texted Eunji about the events from earlier, but she didn't reply immediately, and I believed it was because she was busy preparing for her vocal couching. It was slowly getting colder, and the sun was setting, but Dongwoo had given me his plaid shirt so I didn't feel too scared of the summer breeze. As I was about to stuff my phone into my shoulder bag, I received an unexpected call. It was from Giraffe.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, making me hold the device a few inches away from my ear. After making sure he had calmed down, I thanked him. “How is it like to be 18?” Sungyeol wanted to know. He was a few months younger than me, I remembered.

“Feels old, but not really special or different.”

“Anyways, I have a present for you,” he told me. “You need to pick it up at the shop, okay?”

“Sure.”

“And another thing,” I heard him say, “Myungsoo will be back in a week. And if he's back, you gotta need to have a long talk with him.”

I chuckled slightly. “Let me guess, Eunji told you.”

“Alright, a customer is coming in. See you later.” And then, he hung up.

I started smiling to myself because it felt really warm knowing that some people cared about your birthday, that you mattered to someone. I mean, I used to find Sungyeol really strange and odd, someone you didn't necessarily wanted to hang out with, someone who was just a minor character. I always thought he was somehow annoying and stupid. But he actually had a really good heart. I meant it. He was impulsive sometimes, I admit. He didn't know how to distinguish between things you were allowed to say and things you couldn't let escape your mouth, which could hurt people sometimes, but he never really meant harm to anyone. He mostly did things out of good intentions. And he had even prepared a present for me, although we barely could be called close friends. Not that I was going to measure people's friendliness and kindheartedness by the amount of money they would spend on me. It was just nice knowing that you were in their mind for a few seconds. It really made me happy.

When I returned to reality and the scene in front of me, I started noticing how Dongwoo's eyes were roaming around my face, like I had something stuck to my teeth or eyebrows or nostrils. “Hana,” he began in this soft voice that told you he was someone who would never try to hurt you, “I made plans with Sunggyu tomorrow. Is that okay for you?”

He looked really uncertain, a tinge of guilt coloring his face. I guess, he felt bad for leaving me alone after all my friends were gone up the hills. With a smile, I said, “Don't worry. You can go out with him. I will bring a car as a wedding gift. Just make sure I'm your bridesmaid.”

He laughed along, but turned more serious the next time he opened his mouth. “Then, how are you going to spend your time tomorrow? Alone?”

“I guess I will hang out with Sungyeol or maybe bother Inguk a bit.” It was a lie.

“Or you can hang out with us.” Dongwoo suggested that so innocently, I had to hold back a sarcastic remark because of the guilt I knew would follow after.

“Nah, I'll be fine without you.” And it wasn't entirely a lie.

At 6pm, we went back home and ate cake, that my mom had prepared for me, and after a while, I felt really tired because we had been walking the whole day – with occasional breaks – and my legs were hurting somehow so I decided to go back to my room, which I was currently sharing with my aunt so Dongwoo could sleep in the guest room. Plopping down on the mattress laid on the floor, I started occupying my thoughts with the events that had happened from morning till now. Waking up to be greeted by my mom who gave me money as a birthday present. Eating breakfast with my aunt who was too focused on her phone. Being hugged by Dongwoo the moment he woke up. Receiving a text from Eunji to move my towards my laptop so we could video-chat. Hanging out in Idae. Spotting Big Bang's Seungri. Talking to Sungyeol on the phone. Eating cake and receiving a hug from Dad. End.

“Do you want to take a nap?”

I craned my neck slightly, seeing Dongwoo standing at the door frame with two glass bowls of what seemed like ice cream. He had this bright expression on his face, one that always made me feel so much happier and brighter myself. I responded with the shake of my head.

“Want some ice cream?” he then asked, holding up the bowls.

“Of course.”

He sat down next to me on the mattress as the both of us starting eating in silence, scooping ridiculous amounts of ice cream with the awfully small spoon. When Dongwoo was half-done with his dessert, he looked at me and said, “Tell me something about Woohyun.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in return, confused by his sudden request. “Why should we talk about him?”

“I'm curious.”

“You already know him, as far as I can remember. Didn't you play soccer with him at the beginning of the year?,” I asked, not getting why he wanted to talk about my ex-crush. There really wasn't a legit reason to have him as the center of our conversation.

Dongwoo only sighed after that, and went back to devouring his ice cream in silence. Something seemed really off, I noticed. My cousin was too quiet for his own good, too odd for his standards. He wouldn't just give out a sigh without further explaining what was going on in his mind. He wouldn't eat in silence. He never did. But I guess, he really wasn't too keen in talking about it so I didn't pester him any more. Instead, I started talking about Woohyun.

“Well, he's pretty admirable, I guess. Everything about him. I mean, I've never seen his bad sides before because we were never that close, but the sides he did show me were pretty admirable. I can even give you examples for that. Like when it was the beginning of my second semester – I think, that was exactly a year ago – and I bumped into him in Lotte Mart and he called me Elizabeth and insisted in spending money on me because he had let the bag of chips fall onto my head. I think, this is a pretty admirable trait. The manners of treating people with respect and equality, that is. I really liked that a lot.

“Or when he would let me join him playing basketball that one summer day last year. He really has a way of attracting you. He can make you feel so comfortable around him, so chilled and relaxed. He makes you feel like it's okay to be yourself. Like it's okay to show your flaws.” I stopped and stared at the empty glass bowl in my hands. “The only reason why I was never myself around him was because I liked him and I wanted him to like someone I wasn't.”

“I guess, everyone can relate to that.”

“Yeah, probably. I mean, if I hadn't been in love with him, I guess things would have ended quite differently. I would have been myself, you know. He would have known the real me, I guess. And maybe I would have told him about my feelings. But I'm a coward, to begin with.” I laughed, pulling my knees up so I could rest my chin on them.

“If you think back now, what is the thing you've liked the most about him? One thing that makes you go like, 'Ah, that was why I've liked him.'” Dongwoo asked as he placed his glass bowl on the floor next to him.

I answered with a smile. “The fact that he was popular.”

“Really, now?”

I nodded. “I think he was so attractive to me because everyone liked him, too. Because he was so unreachable in a strange way. I liked his popularity, his face, his looks. Pathetic things like these.”

“Are you sure?” Dongwoo wanted to know, with a furrow etching his forehead, “I mean, I've witnessed your crush on him, and it was pretty intense, in my opinion. You cried a lot. It pained you a lot.”

“I know. I was in love. But not with his heart. More like, I was in love with the idea of liking him, you know. I can't really explain it well...” I trailed off, looking at my feet. And we didn't talk more after that.

If you were to ask me now the same question Dongwoo had asked me back then, I would respond with the same words. I mean, let's face it, I was just infatuated. I was in love with the image of him I had created myself. It was a really intense crush, and nobody says you can't cry or yell or feel sad or get depressive or be angry and jealous when you have a crush. It might not be as deep as love is, but crushes are pretty darn deep in their own ways. I mean, of course, I can't believe it myself that I had only liked Woohyun because he looked good, knew how to talk well and was popular. But that was pretty much the truth. But then again, you can't really love someone without having been going out with them for a long time. At least, that's my view of it.

In the middle of the night, when my aunt was sleeping on my bed and I was thinking about my own words from the conversation with Dongwoo, I noticed the vibration of my phone under the pillow. Pulling it out, I saw how I had received a text. From Howon.

Hana, I know we are currently not on really good terms and I know we somewhat need to talk after I'm back because there are many things we need to sort out and you probably hate me and maybe I don't have all these positive feelings either but it's your birthday today so I thought we should put that fight or whatever it was aside and act like you are just Hana and I'm just Howon.

I don't want this text message to go too long so I'll get to my point.

Happy Birthday, Hana.

I hope you had a fun day and I'm sorry I'm half an hour late.

And please don't bother yourself too much about us or me. When I'm back, we will be honest and talk. I promise that.

Goodnight.

At which point, I blinked away my tears.

“...and then I almost bumped into this guy, you know, and he was so big I thought he was going to hit me. Really now. I'm telling the truth,” he narrated with eyes so big, I thought they were going to bulge out any moment. In his white V-necked tshirt with that weird cartoon character at the spot where the heart lied, Sungyeol stretched his arms wide, showing me exactly just how big that guy he was talking about was. “For the first time in my life, I feared someone.”

“Really your first time?” I asked, unconvinced. It was a matter of trusting him or not.

He nodded in response. “Uh-huh. And that fear turned into respect.”

I said nothing more, and averted my eyes from him to the bright colors of the green leaves from that tree just outside the book shop. A small wind blew through the branches, making this rustling sound I always loved listening to. It reminded me too much of peace and freedom. The sunrays hardly reached the bottom of the tree, only the tiny gaps between the layered leaves making it possible for the sun to shine through. And whenever wind rushed by, the ground under the tree would look like it was flickering with glitter. I didn't know myself why I paid so much attention to this phenomena.

“Oh, I have your present, by the way.” Sungyeol reached down behind the counter, taking a small package wrapped in fancy paper, and placed it right in front of me, with a smile on his face. “You can open it.”

And so I did what he had told me to do. I unwrapped the present – slowly and suspensefully – tearing the gift wrap apart until only a plain cardboard box remained. I opened it just as slowly and suspensefully, not really understanding why I was actually doing that when I was the only one not knowing what was hidden in that box. Who was I going to tease with my slow movements? Sungyeol was the answer.

“Can you just open it like normal people?” he asked impatiently.

I only laughed in response.

But when I finally managed to catch a glimpse of the present, I was conflicted. Looking back up, I said, “Don't tell me you really bought me an Iphone...”

“It's a present from the three of us. Myungsoo, Eunji and me.” He grinned.

Pushing the box away from me, I shook my head. “I can't accept this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's too freaking expensive,” I yelled back, for really weird reasons.

“Well, that's why it's a present from us three.”

“I can't accept this.”

“If your problem is Myungsoo, then don't worry. I talked to him, and he said it's okay. He wishes you a happy birthday, too,” Sungyeol told me with a satisfied smile.

“Are you stupid?” I asked back, because my brain still couldn't register the scene in front of me. “I can't accept these things from friends. Just take me out to lunch, but don't buy me phones.”

He, then, rubbed his temples, sighing and maybe giving up on me. I knew I was being a pain in the , but I just couldn't accept such a present. I felt unworthy of it. Not only because Myungsoo and I weren't really close right now, and it would seem pathetic to accept a present from the guy who didn't like you anymore, but because it just felt wrong to receive such a present. I didn't deserve it.

Sungyeol looked at me, then. “If it makes you feel better, Mrs. Kim and Eunji's parents have contributed to this present, too. We weren't the only ones spending money on you.” It made my heart feel a bit lighter, I guess. He went on, “And also, it's legitimate to buy you a phone because Eunji said you've always wanted this version.”

So I smiled in return. Because I was happy. Because Eunji was in Busan, but she was also here. Her warmth, her traces – they were all still right next to me. It was strange how a simple (and expensive) present could actually make me feel like my best friend had never left, and she was right beside me, patting my back like a mother would. How some people really were your friends even if you had flaws or quite a temper. How people could actually overlook these things, simply because the good points (or whatever had made them like me) outweighed the negative sides. It was simply indescribable. The feeling of being loved back. It was simple bliss.

We ended up installing the phone, checking out the cool features and taking photos of the afternoon sky. The air conditioner in the book shop was defect so Sungyeol and I decided to wait outside for customers to come along. A beautiful range of colors between red and blue tinted the sky, setting the perfect mood for a summer afternoon. Down the road, I even heard some kids riding their bikes and laughing to themselves. A strange feeling of nostalgia hit me.

“Say, Sungyeol,” I began in a hoarse voice, casting my gaze on the tree I had noticed earlier that day. Clearing my throat, I continued, “Do you sincerely like Eunji?”

I thought he was going to come up with excuses or pathetic reasons to avoid this talk, but he smiled instead. “I do.”

“Like, really like?” I asked, finding myself sounding quite stupid.

He nodded. “She's a really great person, and I'm not one to say this without full conviction. She really is great. Someone you'd want to hang out with until morning dawns, and beyond.” It was the first time I saw his eyes emitting this kind of happiness you wouldn't usually see in them. He looked so happy, I truly believed at that moment he was literally the happiest guy in the world. “Eunji is someone you'd call first whenever you need someone to listen to you, when you feel lonely and you need company. She's someone who makes lonely nights bearable. She's that amazing.”

“Sounds like you are in love with my best friend,” I remarked, smiling.

“I don't know. But if this is what love actually feels like, I won't mind, then. It's good to get your heart broken by someone like Eunji. It won't hurt that much.”

I pondered on Sungyeol's words a little, wondering why he had said that so happily like it was a fortune to get hurt by her, that it was okay if she was the one to crush his heart. I wondered why I had never felt this way towards Woohyun, why I had always wanted to avoid the pain he could inflict on me. Maybe being in love meant you were okay with getting your heart broken. Maybe it was written in the contract between crush and admirer. It was a whole new way to see the things.

“But I don't think I'm necessarily in love with her. I just admire her a lot,” he added in that sincere voice of his.

“What's the difference?”

“You've never liked anyone before?” asked Sungyeol, almost making me blurt out words I would regret in retrospect. I shook my head slightly, hiding the blush on my cheeks by turning away. He didn't notice my awkward behavior, and just continued with his words. “Admiration has no romantic feelings, I guess. When you admire someone, you don't really want to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. It's okay to be just friends. It's okay not to kiss or hug. It's okay not to hold hands. When you admire someone, you just admire them without a hint of selfishness, I think.” Sungyeol nodded then, as if to emphasize his own ideas. Tilting his head to the side, he revealed, “Come to think of it, I believe Myungsoo admires you, too.”

“He does?” I felt conflicted, again.

“I think he told me.”

“Told you what?”

“That he admires you.”

I pressed my lips together, trying to get more information out of Sungyeol. “What did he say exactly?”

“I don't remember. Something along the lines of you being someone he'd want to witness growing up.”

“He wants to watch me grow up?” I repeated, confused. A really strange feeling was growing in my body.

“Yeah, kind of like a brother seeing his baby sister walk for the first time or something,” he answered nonchalantly, scratching the spot behind his ears. “Or maybe like a married couple watching each other growing old.”

“Why would you say such a thing?” I asked, with shock lacing my voice.

He ignored me. “Anyways, I really hope you will make up with Myungsoo when he comes back next week. It's such an annoyance not to be able to hang out with the both of you. Really. I mean it. It's just not funny that way. I'd like us four to be hanging out together like the old days. Without all this awkwardness and tension.”

Me, too. Me, too.

At 7pm, I received a sudden call from Dongwoo who hadn't returned home yet, as I was about to change my clothes from today's outfit to my pajamas. In casual steps, I started walking over to my nightstand, where I had placed my phone after arrival, took it to my hands, swiped to unlock (hell yeah, I had an Iphone) and answered him, all the while squeezing my into the sleeping shorts.

“Hana, I need your help,” he told me, and I didn't fail to hear the urgency in his voice.

“Why? What's wrong?”

“Please come here. I really need your help.” To which he added an irregular breathing.

“But where are you?”

“In Myeongdong. And don't tell your parents, okay? Don't tell anyone.”

And then, he hung up.

And I found myself taking off the half-finished dressed pajama.