Reply Thirty-Three

Summer 2009

As I watched Eunji loading her things into her father's truck, I remembered all the times she had helped me in primary school because I used to be too shy to speak up my mind, all the times she had made me laugh in middle school because she was simply the funniest girl I had ever come across in my life, and all the times I had made her cry because I was a self-centered who couldn't even keep a promise as simple as trusting each other. As I watched my best friend turning around, a smile plastered on her thin lips, I remembered that one incident back in middle school that had probably bonded us more than we had initially thought. That one day where I had started acting so mean to her because things weren't really great at home. My aunt had to be admitted to hospital again, and my father was really angry at me for reasons I couldn't remember. I just remembered that I had been a real to Eunji because, whenever she asked me something during the lessons, I would reply with such a hateful tone that frightened even me somehow. But then, there was this day where Eunji had confronted me with my change of behavior. She told me that it was a pity for our friendship to be ruined because of such trivial matters. She told me she wanted us to be honest with each other which was why she had confronted me, anyhow. Tears fell, hugs were given, and I felt so much lighter. I couldn't quite explain it, but it was like a heavy burden was lifted up from my chest. We were friends who could point out each others' faults. I think, that was how real friendship should work. Pointing out each others' faults because the bond was too precious to let it be ruined. Wanting a friend to change to the better should be considered real luck. Not everyone in your life wants you to grow.

I remembered all those things when Eunji walked to Sungyeol, who was about to cry, and told him that he should stop being so weak. She told him that this wasn't the end yet and that she would come back home during winter. She reassured him that time wouldn't change their prospering friendship with emphasis on the last word. Nevertheless, Sungyeol started crying slightly.

Then, she hugged him before she walked towards me. I couldn't look into her eyes because I knew I would start crying anyways. But I really wanted to save my emotional clutter for later when she was already gone. So I just let my eyes linger on Eunji's mother who entered the truck to let us kids alone, I guess.

“Hana,” I heard my best friend say, sounding quite nostalgic. And then, I looked at her. I looked at her and smiled.

“Eunji,” I said, chuckling slightly.

“Hana, listen,” she began, and although she hadn't even started yet, I knew I would cry after she was done, “We've been friends since we were kids, and I think I can proudly say that I was the one who has toughened you up for the past fourteen years. I think I can actually call myself a genius because I can still remember the day where you used to be a helpless, little girl who didn't know how to use her voice to defend herself. And look at your now, you are so grown up and you are so strong. And why do I sound like your mother now?” I chuckled at that. “You are a strong girl, but that doesn't mean you can keep things to yourself. This is probably your biggest fault, young lady.

“You think you can do this alone, and I think you somehow want to prove the world that you can overcome this without a need for help. I know you don't want to look pitiful or weak. I can understand that. But what exactly makes you weak when you entrust your problems to your friends? It's actually a win win situation. Trust me. Friends really want to be relied on. Be it me, or Howon, or Myungsoo. Everyone just wants to be relied on. We want to rely on people, and people want to be relied on. It's a win win situation.

“So what I'm, as your best friend, telling you is, you should start trusting your friends more. I won't be here to kick your if you start keeping all those burdens to yourself again. I can't know when you are having problems because I'm not here. I can just wait and give you this piece of advice. Because I really don't want to come back in winter and see my best friend with a lot more problems on her shoulders than I have left her with.” Eunji was still looking at me with those warm eyes of hers. “I know you, Hana. You've probably only told me about a quarter of your struggles. I know you. And sometimes, it really irks me not to know what's going on in your mind. I really hate it, sometimes. Because it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like someone you can't trust.”

“That's not the truth.”

“I know,” Eunji said, smiling at me, “I know you don't want to make me feel that way. But it's just how you make your friends feel when you keep things to yourself. I know, at least, that this is how Myungsoo sometimes feels.”

When Eunji mentioned him, I felt this strange pain in my heart. I hadn't had the time to think about him and me and everything that surrounded us, and I couldn't busy myself with these thoughts yet.

“He likes you. I don't know myself what this means, but I know he likes you.” She stopped talking to give Sungyeol a tissue for his running nose. Turning back to me, she continued, “And you know what people do when they like someone. I mean, you like Howon and you care a lot about him, don't you? You want to know his problems and you want to prevent as much of his hurt as you can. This is natural. And Myungsoo just wants to do the same.

“But you don't let him. You let Howon know your problems, but you don't let Myungsoo in. I think he feels quite rejected by you when you continue doing that. He just wants to be a good friend to you. But at some point, he will ask himself if it's worth it.”

After we all hugged for the last time, Eunji entered her father's truck, kind of marking the end with her last glance at us. For some reasons, I couldn't cry. I thought I was going to cry before she had started her speech, but I couldn't. I had this hunch it was because she had mentioned Myungsoo, and I didn't have the time to think about him. Anyhow, I couldn't cry. Not even when the truck grew smaller and smaller until it finally disappeared behind the corner. Not even when Sungyeol started bawling like a kid who had let his ice cream fall to the ground. Not even when I went home to take a nap because I'd had to wake up pretty early this morning to see my best friend off. My grandmother was asking me whether Eunji was already gone, and my mom was hugging me because she thought I was really sad because of Eunji's departure. I walked up the stairs to see my aunt closing her door where I had caught a glimpse of her soon-to-be boyfriend. And when I lied on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I realized she was really gone now. I turned around to lie on my right side and continued staring at the wall in front of me. Seconds passed. Minutes. When I woke up in the middle of my nap, I noticed my cheeks were soaked with tears. She was really gone now.

Weeks after Eunji had left Seoul, I went to their book store near our neighborhood. Currently, it was Sungyeol who was managing the shop because her parents were in Busan for vacation, and they trusted him enough to leave their family business to him. I really had nothing better to do than to hang out with the guy I used to dislike because (a) Eunji was gone, (b) Myungsoo and I were avoiding each other and (c) Howon was not the Howon I knew anymore. I understood that they were the same person, but Howon started being more like Hoya than the actual Howon. I also knew it was the nickname I gave him which kinda made everything even more depressing for me. So, Sungyeol really was my last and only hope.

“You know what really bothers me?” He looked at me, half gasping for air and half attempting to stand properly. He had been running around the store to find the Catcher in the Rye because Park something wanted to have it delivered to his house for his son's birthday. “Do you?”

I shook my head, watching him placing books on the check-out counter. I noticed how he had begun working out more after Eunji had left. I didn't know if it was right to associate his broad chest with Eunji having stated her ideal type as someone who was well-built, but I did it anyways. Maybe he wanted to look good in front of her when she came back in winter. Seeing his efforts kinda made me smile.

“I hate how Myungsoo couldn't even see Eunji off. I mean, yeah, he did call her beforehand and all. But still, he could've showed his handsome face or something. Even if you guys had a fight or whatever. For Eunji, he could've endure the presence of you.”

“Well, thank you for reminding me of our fight.” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes at him. But I knew Sungyeol wouldn't understand my sarcasm anyways. He never did.

“You're welcome,” he answered as he suddenly looked past me, forcing a smile on his lips. It looked so ridiculous for a moment, I even felt the urge to make fun of him until I turned around. Myungsoo in his plaid shirt was standing in front of the glass door, looking at Sungyeol. I knew he was trying to avoid my eyes because he looked kinda forced, standing there. Myungsoo held a plastic bag of snacks up, giving his friend the sign to join him outside. “Another thing that bothers me,” Sungyeol paused, going around the counter, “he always asks me whether you are at the shop before he comes over. I guess, today, he kinda forgot.”

I watched him pushing the glass door open to meet with Myungsoo. There was this slight awkwardness between them because Myungsoo was glancing my way without really looking at me. He probably felt bad for avoiding me like this, but I really didn't blame him. I was avoiding him, too. Just not that obviously.

They stood there for a while, chatting and laughing, until Myungsoo gave Sungyeol the plastic bag of snacks and nudged his head towards my direction. They bid their goodbyes and did those handshakes that boys always did until Giraffe – I miss that name – came back into the shop, looking a bit exhausted.

“I love Myungsoo. I really do,” he began, already reaching the counter where I was standing right now, “but your fight bothers me a lot. He could've come in and all. But he insisted he had to go somewhere. I highly, highly doubt that, though.”

“Maybe he's going to meet Suji,” I suggested.

“Suji is not even living here anymore. She lives in Myeongdong, now.”

I nodded slowly, remembering the late night meeting Eunji and I had with her and Myungsoo. “Say, Sungyeol, Suji was your classmate, right?”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“Was she anorexic?”

His face fell, and I realized I was right about all my assumptions regarding her. The puzzle in my head was finally coming together, and the feeling of guilt never felt worse in my gut. I had been assuming Suji being anorexic ever since I had seen her in those loose clothes. For others, it might have meant nothing. But for me, it meant a lot. In middle school, my Biology teacher had told us about the troubles they take on themselves just to hide their eating disorder. Anorexic people wear wide clothes or pile up their tshirts to make it look like they aren't as skinny as they really are, simply to stop people from addressing them about their sickness. Most of them hate it when people talk about their eating disorder. They deny it and hide it from everyone. I think my aunt used to be a bit anorexic, too, when she had been a young girl. And from what I had heard from my grandmother, her anorexic friend used to go to the hospital to check her body weight and her health. This and her wide clothes combined with Myungsoo attacking me because of my eating habits led to my conclusion of Suji being anorexic.

“It started in our second year,” Sungyeol began, clasping and unclasping his hands, “Suji was always a really pretty girl, you know. Everyone loved her a lot, and she had a good heart. No one would have thought she would feel so unworthy of herself.

“Everyone always told her she was so pretty and had such a beautiful smile, but no one knew she's been struggling with her body image for years. I'm not sure how to explain it properly. I was one of those people who only told her how pretty she was. I guess, she never agreed with us on that.” He stopped talking to run his fingers along the book on the counter. “I mean, imagine this, a really pretty girl, who is always told how pretty she is, thinks she is the ugliest girl when she looks in the mirror. Despite people's compliments, she only sees this pudgy girl in front of her who can't love herself. You take a beautiful girl like Suji, and you would never know what kind of burdens she might carry. You simply assume she is worry-free because she is pretty and others aren't. Doesn't that sound really sad?”

I didn't know what to say. I never knew what to say in these situations. I could always throw some intellectual and caring remarks when it came to my friends, but I hardly knew Suji. Though, this didn't make me feel less sad about it.

He continued, “Myungsoo was the only one who has actually succeeded in making her visit the hospital. I mean, we did talk to her about it. How she's changed. How she became thinner and all. We told her it wasn't healthy, but she just smiled, you know? She just smiled, and I didn't know what to do. I just kept on telling her that she was pretty and all. But I guess, she wasn't really listening.”

“Do you know why she felt that way? I mean, she isㅡ”

“Pretty?” he interrupted, smiling slightly, “Of course, she is. But what she thinks of herself and what we see are two different things. That's what so sad about life. We don't see the things the way others see it. And this leads us to believing only what we see,” he went on, “And she was quite a lonely girl. I mean, she had been living here for years while her parents lived in Myeongdong. They couldn't quite keep an eye on her. And you have so much freedom, you don't even bother to try living properly.”

I pursed my lips, staring at his fingers placed on the book. “Why had she and her parents lived separated?”

“They are quite rich. Her father is a policeman or something. I'm not sure. I only know that it was Suji who wanted to live by her own. A teenage thing, I guess.”

I almost burst out in laughter when Sungyeol acted like he wasn't a teen anymore. What prevented me, though, was the remorse and guilt I was still feeling in my gut. I finally understood why Suji had to visit the hospital quite often. I finally knew why Myungsoo never left her side. It was some kind of responsibility he had developed towards her. Because he was the only one she trusted, and he didn't want her to relapse. It was just like what Eunji had said to me. There are two kinds of people. People who need to be relied on, and people who rely on others. Myungsoo was the former and Suji the latter. They fit each other because their needs were satisfied whenever they were together. They both needed each other to keep on being happy – if I wanted to exaggerate.

“She is fine, now. Suji, I mean.” Sungyeol smiled genuinely. “She eats a healthy amount of food everyday, and she maintains a good BME.” He meant the BMI. “She's still skinnier than you, for example, but she is happy and she doesn't worry too much about her weight anymore. I think, the change has a lot to do with Myungsoo and her living with her parents.”

And I wondered whether Myungsoo was needing another person to rely on him since Suji didn't have to depend on him anymore. I wondered whether I was slowly starting to be his next object to practice compassion on. I remembered Eunji's words and wondered whether Myungsoo needed me to exist. Some people really did. They needed a purpose in their lives to stop thinking about an end. But then, I remembered his anger, and how he had acted in Lotte World. I started thinking that he was done with all the responsibility and all the worries. I was starting to think he needed a break or something. That might be why he was so angry at me. Because I had reminded him of Suji and all those burdens he had to take on his shoulder. Maybe he was just scared that the Suji thing would repeat itself. And instead of helping him because he was my friend, I made him feel worse. I should really get the award for the lousiest friend in South Korea.

“Speaking of him, Myungsoo is going to visit Japan with his family. He'll be back in a week or something. He just told me when he,” Sungyeol stopped talking to point at the plastic bag of snacks on the counter in front of him, “gave me this. It's for you, too.”

The good thing about the twenty-first century was the advanced technology. My parents and grandparents didn't have a mobile phone back in their youth while I did. The kids nowadays were really spoiled. I was, too. But just not as much as they were. They had literally everything. High-tech laptops. Own mobile phones. Et cetera. Et cetera. I used to have tamagotchis as a kid instead of technologies such as Iphones. I wondered whether the kids nowadays even knew what it was. A tamagotchi, I mean.

“How's Busan?” I asked Eunji over the phone as I was on my way to Howon's workplace. Entering the bus, I looked for an empty seat but could only spot one at the very back of the vehicle. I was honestly too lazy to go all the way up there so I just stayed in my place. Soon, a pregnant woman was being offered the seat.

“Great, I'd say. How's Seoul?”

I chuckled. “Hasn't changed much since you were gone.” I was still watching the pregnant woman who was thanking the dude who had offered her the seat. She looked really young. Maybe in her mid 20s. She kinda reminded me of Hara. “Oh, by the way, we are not expecting a baby, after all. False alarm.”

I heard how Eunji laughed at the other end of the line. It was really funny, to be honest. We were going crazy about my mom being pregnant and all, but it had turned out to be her menopause or something. So I wasn't going to have a baby sibling, and my mom didn't have to worry about the troubles anymore.

“Is Sungyeol all right?” she asked after a long silence, “Is the shop still standing?”

“He's doing a good job. I visit him sometimes. Just to make sure he isn't setting it on fire.” Eunji laughed at my remark. “But hey, are you starting to see him more as a man?”

“No,” she answered quickly, “I will never see him as a man. He is Sungyeol. The guy you used to call a Giraffe.” It was my turn to chuckle. “Oh and Hana, I think I saw Woohyun on my way to Busan.”

“What? He is in Busan?”

“No, he is not.” I could literally see Eunji shaking her head and rolling her eyes at me. “I saw him in Idae when my parents stopped the truck to buy medicines for my grandparents.”

There was this image in my head I couldn't prevent from bothering me. It was his smile, and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel anything at all. I stopped thinking about him a while ago but when I accidentally did, it usually left quite a warm feeling in my heart behind. It always did. Woohyun was the first one I had ever liked as much as Johnny Depp or Big Bang's Taeyang. And although I hadn't thought about him for a while, I still couldn't stop thinking about him now ever since Eunji had mentioned him. He was part of my past after all. He was the guy who defined my youth. (Howon would say, “You are still young.”)

“And? Is he still good-looking?”

“Are you really asking me that?” I heard how her cousins were crying at the background, yelling at each other. “I never found him attractive.”

“We have a different taste of men.”

“We do.”

“But honestly now, is he still good-looking? I mean, for me?”

She sighed at the other end of the line. “I guess, he is. He hasn't changed much. Maybe different hair and a stronger build.”

“You are making me excited.” I joked. It was good sign, though. I was able to make funny remarks about my long-term crush on him. It meant I was really getting over him.

“I saw him with his brother, you know? The guy with the dog. They were kinda arguing about something. I didn't listen, though.”

The bus was approaching my destination so I told Eunji to talk another time. Before I could hang up, she said, “You need to make up with Myungsoo, okay?”

I said, “Okay,” because I didn't want to disappoint her.

I came to the convenience store because I had decided to forget about Howon's betrayal of not telling me about his siblings coming back. I had told myself to forgive him because he probably wasn't doing that on purpose. I told myself we could go back to being the best friends we used to be in high school because he was Busan guy and I was Son Hana. We could make this work. We always did.

I saw Sunggyu and Inguk first. They were at the counter, chatting a little bit, until I entered the store. Inguk gave me one of his arrogant smirks I had learned to get accustomed to. He wasn't arrogant. He was a really good guy if you cared enough to get to know him. Some days would make him a bit cocky, he used to say. I had learned to accept that.

Sunggyu was sort of smiling at me. I wasn't sure because as soon as I thought I had seen a smile on his lips, it already disappeared. Maybe it was my imagination. I didn't know. Though, for some reasons, I really wanted him to smile a bit more. I could remember he had a really charming smile. Which reminded me, he used to laugh a lot more back in high school. I wondered whether his financial problems had stopped him from being a happy child.

“Hana, hey, help us for a moment.” Inguk waved me over when I just spotted Howon talking with Miyoung at the corner of the shop. I think, he didn't notice me entering because he was so engrossed in their conversation. I told myself to join them later.

“What is it?” I asked, looking at the two males behind the counter.

“Look, if your friend asked you to help them in the middle of the night, but you were really tired because you were working long hours, and you felt like you just carried thousand corpses to the Han River, would you actually wake up to help them?”

Furrowing my eyebrows, I took his question in. Only now that I actually thought about it, did I realize that Sungyeol would totally get along with Inguk. Maybe I could actually arrange a meeting or something since I had so much time in my hands.

“Would you?” he repeated.

“Of course. Friends would do that for each other.”

He looked kinda unsatisfied with my response. “Well, I wouldn't. I'm just being honest, but I wouldn't.” He interlaced his fingers before continuing, “I mean, look, let's take Sunggyu, for example, as the friend who called me in the middle of the night because of whatever. If he really was my friend, wouldn't he know that I worked long hours that day? Wouldn't he be a really bad friend if he just decided to call me out of all the people on his list he could call? Wouldn't it make him a really, really inconsiderate friend to call me when he knew I was tired and all?”

I glanced at Sunggyu who chuckled lightly at Inguk's explanation. And I was right. His smiling face was really charming. It was cute how his eyes disappeared whenever he smiled. I found it quite attractive. But then again, I shouldn't be thinking that way. So I just looked back at Inguk, giving him a strange look. “I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really care.” I sighed, feeling a bit exhausted after the conversation with him. “Why are you asking, anyways?”

“Because damn Hoya called me yesterday night,” he complained, looking really bothered, “while I was sleeping tightly although everyone knew how much I had to work yesterday.”

“He called me, too, so stop whining.” said Sunggyu. It might cheer the other male up, but it made me feel worse.

Inguk turned to him, looking slightly better. “Was it also because of hisㅡ”

“No need to mention that now.” Sunggyu interrupted, glancing at me before turning back to Inguk. “I think he called me after you had hung up on him.”

“Well, no one asked him to disturb my beauty sleep.”

At that point, I felt too sick to continue listening to them. I knew I was being weak for feeling that way, but I did, anyways. I felt like crying, although I wasn't crying at all. Sometimes, people feel like doing something, but they don't do it. Like how some people feel like dying, but they aren't actually dying.

I walked towards Howon and Miyoung because I came here to talk to him in the first place. They were still pretty much involved in their own conversation so I just decided to join them silently, waiting for them to finish. Though, the moment I stood in front of them, I saw Howon looking at me with a surprised expression as if he really hadn't noticed me all this time at all, pausing his words. I just smiled at him, trying to tell him to continue his sentence, but he wouldn't. So, I said, “Keep on talking. Pretend I'm not here.”

But he just smiled sheepishly, still looking at me with that expression that I was starting to hate. “I actually forgot what I was going to say.”

And that killed me. His words slapped me right across my face, stinging so much that I felt like crying, again. I was probably exaggerating everything but at that moment, I felt like he wanted to be alone with Miyoung because they were talking about things I didn't know about. For the first time in our friendship, did I feel unwanted in his presence. It was the worst thing he could do to me.

“Our Hoaegi is being his dense self.” I heard Miyoung remark with a chuckle. And that crossed the line. Hoaegi was the nickname my grandmother had created for him. Because she was still thinking Howon was my boyfriend and since my nickname was Hanaegi, she created a similar-sounding nickname for my best friend. It was her idea. And I had told him when I came over to his apartment because I found it quite adorable. But I hadn't told him to let others call him that name. And the betrayal I felt was so depressing, I really, really felt like crying. But I was refusing to show my tears in front of Miyoung.

With the awkward silence lingering in the air, I left. I felt so suffocated by them. By my best friend who wasn't Howon anymore but rather a Hoya. By Miyoung who was her naïve self and who wasn't the one to blame. By the convenience store and Inguk. Even by Sunggyu, for some reasons. I felt suffocated by all of them, and I felt so unwanted. I was reminded of that day Dongwoo and I had met Woohyun and Sunggyu strolling in the city back in January and the hurt I had felt because they were making me feel like I wasn't invited in their conversations. They had never done that on purpose, though. No one ever did it on purpose. But it didn't make the pain less painful. And then, I remembered how I used to say Busan guy would be the guy who would notice my change of mood. That he would notice whenever I felt sad or hurt. That he wouldn't leave me out of things and that he wouldn't make me feel unwanted.

I really left the convenience store until he grabbed my wrist and stopped me from walking further. Standing in the middle of the gas station, I turned around, trying to act cool, because I had nothing left to do.

“Hana, is something wrong?”

I felt this sudden urge to slap him because he really needed a wake up call or something. I really wanted to hit him for making me feel so worthless. I really wanted to kick his knee because he was so oblivious about the things surrounding him. But I was too weak to move any muscle.

“Hana?”

I wiggled my wrist out of his grab. Looking at him with hurt filled eyes, I mocked him, “Are you being your dense self, Hoaegi, huh?” He looked slightly offended by my tone. “Why have you even followed me here? You could have just stayed there with Miyoung and Inguk and Sunggyu. All of your close friends.”

“What's wrong with you?” I could see the anger rising in him, too. I wasn't the only one getting angry.

“You really want me to explain it to you?” I searched his eyes for a while, realizing he really wasn't getting the reason why I was acting this way. Moving my tongue around in my mouth, I scoffed. “God, Howon. How can you not understand how I'm feeling? How can you be so dense about that? Aren't you usually so sharp about things? Why are you so oblivious this time?”

He softened his eyes and for a moment, it felt like he finally realized what I was talking about. For a moment, I thought he would apologize or explain his behavior. It was just a moment of pure hope.

“I don't recognize you anymore. Where is Howon? Where's Busan guy?” I felt my eyes getting watery. “Where's the guy who carried me all the way to the infirmary because I was having a coughing fit? Where's the guy who called me whenever something was wrong, whenever something was bothering him? Where's the guy who used to call himself my best friend?”

I think, my words kind of hurt because his eyes looked pained, and he wanted to stop me from talking, but I didn't let him. “Can't you understand how I'm feeling about all of this? How jealous I am whenever I see you talking to Miyoung or Inguk? They get closer to you each time you return to this place, and I'm getting further away.”

“Hana,” he called out so softly, and I knew he felt sorry all of a sudden. I knew it, but I continued anyways.

“I'm fearing a lot, you know. I'm so scared about life and future, and the only hold I get is from my friends. But Eunji is in Busan now, I lost all the contact with Hara, and I don't know what's happening between Myungsoo and me. And then, there is you.” I paused. “You would be really stupid not to have noticed us drifting apart. You are so ahead of me, so happy without me, I can't help but feel so lonely.”

“Hana,” he called out again, trying to stop me.

“I'm scared to loose you.” I drew a deep breath because I still had a lot to say. “Why else would I hang out around your workplace so much? Why else would I try to get along with Inguk and Sunggyu although we all know it's really awkward between us? I'm trying my best to get along with your friends so you wouldn't drift apart. So you wouldn't suddenly talk about people I don't know. So you wouldn't suddenly be a different guy.”

“But, Hana,” he interrupted, looking worried and bothered at the same time, “I haven't changed. I'm still Howon.”

“No, you are not. You are Hoya. You've become their Hoya and their Hoaegi.”

“This is ridiculous. They are just variations of my name.”

I ignored him. “You know, I always thought it was safe to say that I was the closest to you. You were also the closest to me. But right now, I feel like I would embarrass myself to even think that you consider me as your best friend. Do you know how much that hurts?

“They start to know things about you and about your family and just everything, and I'm not included anymore. I'm not the first one you would call anymore I was replaced by them, right? Because I'm not important anymore. You've forgotten about me, Howon. You really did.”

I'm still wondering whether it had been my fault for letting us drift apart. I wonder whether I should have told him about us loosing each other the moment I had noticed. I wonder just where I had failed. Back in my youth, I always told myself not to loose someone like Howon. I had already lost him once because of Woohyun. It's funny how you can blame someone else for the faults in yourself. It was never Woohyun's fault. It was never Howon's fault. Or maybe, it was. Or maybe, you can never actually point of who is at fault and who is not. Maybe the 17-year-old me just wanted to be the friend to wake up in the middle of the night when he called. Maybe she just wanted to be relied on like Myungsoo who needed it to keep on living. Maybe I was too young to overcome this myself. I was just too lonely. Too freaking lonely.

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