Reply Twenty-Five

My mother prepared the guest room, putting covers on pillows and blankets and placing them neatly on the bed. I glanced around the room, the few clothes of Dongwoo in the opened drawer catching my attention. He had forgotten to pack them into his suitcase when he had left a few months ago. Upon seeing his traces, I suddenly missed my cousin.

"I'm sorry, Howon-ah. This is all we can provide for you in this short time." my mother explained, smiling warmly at him. He looked taken aback as he managed to return her smile with his. Seeing his gaze, I pressed my lips into a thin line, refusing to let my emotions leash out. Only when my mother called my name in a whisper, did I avert my attention away from the ground to her. "Help me cut some fruits for Howon."

Leaving an obviously hurt Howon pained me lot. But my mother seemed to know what she was doing. Maybe he just needed time for himself right now. Although his wounded gaze made me want to stay with him, his stiffened arms on both sides making me want to hug him, I followed my mom downstairs to our kitchen. My father was looking at us with a question mark etched on his face, asking about the situation, to which my mother shook her head. That wasn't the time to be talking about it.

The silence in the kitchen was suffocating me. The ticking clock on the wall above me was making annoying sounds. Maybe it was a bad decision to leave Howon upstairs, after all. I was scared. I wasn't exactly sure what happened, but I had an idea. And yet, I couldn't understand why. My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest any minute. Like it just wanted to get away from the pain. It hurt a lot.

"Don't start crying," my mother scolded, "someone who is weak is the last thing he needs right now."

I bit my bottom lip, preventing myself from sobbing, as I cut apples into halves. The crushed expression on Howon's face repeated itself in my mind, refusing to vanish. After taking a few long breaths, the tears stopped threatening to fall. "Give me more apples."

My mother looked at me before handing the respective fruit to my hands. "Hana, listen to me. I know you are a crybaby. You cry in dramas, to songs, and sometimes on your own. You cry a lot. But this time, please think of Howon. Please try being strong for him. And please don't attack him with your questions. I know you are curious as to what happened. But let him tell you by himself."

I nodded, wiping an escaped tear from the corner of my eyes away. "I know. I won't cry. But what am I supposed to say? Mom, it hurts me to see him in pain."

"I know, Hana. But you always know what to say. It will be all right. Give him time and love. That's all he needs."

My mother was a rolemodel to me. Yes, she scolded me a lot. And yes, her nagging voice was sometimes a bit too annoying, but at situations like these, I always realized what a wonderful person my mom was. Letting my friend sleep in the guest room and taking care of him. I admired her a lot. It was like she treated him like a family member. My mom had a really soft heart. Maybe that was something I inherited from her.

I softly knocked on the door, taking a few breaths beforehand. His appearance soon greeted me as I held the plate of apples in front of him. "Have some fruits."

"Thank you." he said, taking the apples and leaving me by myself at the door.

"You know where the toilet is." I put my hands into the pockets of my pyjama pants and bopped back and forth with my feet. It wasn't like this was Howon's first time of visiting my home. He had been here with Eunji back during our study session where I had asked him whether he had a girlfriend. A time before I had known of his family issues.

I soon left him alone in the room because he wanted to change his clothes. Only when I entered my own, and when half an hour passed - I did count the time - did I hear soft footsteps in the corridor. As well as I knew my own house and its noises, the door to the bathroom opened and shut closed right after with the clicking of someone locking it. I assumed Howon had been the wanderer at night since my parents were still downstairs in the living room, considering the TV noises I could hear from here. The screen of my phone lit up, catching my eyes as I propped myself on my elbows and reached for my phone. It was Myungsoo again and his unread messages from an hour ago, asking me whether I ignored him now, or what he had done wrong. The last one clearly showed his own embarrassment, as it said: I'm sorry for spamming you. You are probably thinking I'm desperate, right? Sorry.

I chuckled at his text as I wrote him back. It's OK. I was just busy with a few things. I haven't read your messages until now. And yeah, you do sound desperate. For a short moment, I contemplated whether to tell Myungsoo about Howon. About his distraught expression. His probably wounded heart. I asked myself whether I wanted the luxury to entrust someone else his problems. Whether I wanted to include someone into this because I was too weak to deal with it alone. But then again, it was Howon's matters. It was his right to tell people or not. He trusted me with his problems because he knew he could rely on me. As a best friend, shouldn't I try being strong for him? Like my mother had said to me, shouldn't I stop crying and complaining? As a best friend, I had to make the efforts in doing something impossible. If I knew I couldn't stay strong, shouldn't I still give it a try? Because Howon was worth the pain and hurt?

In the middle of the night, when my parent had already gone to sleep, I laid in my bed, covered with blankets and eyes still open. I thought about a few things. About Howon. About my recent release from Woohyun. About Sunggyu and that convenience store dude. About Myungsoo and his relatives' dog Coco. I thought about Eunji, and how well she would match that convenience store dude. I thought about Hara whom I hadn't seen or even contacted for a while. I remembered Suji and her hospital visits, wondering why she had to do that. I thought of my aunt, and when she would finally be able to leave the hospital. I thought of my maths teacher, homeroom teacher and even the spitting-on-students-is-fun teacher. But most of all, I wondered about my future. What kind of future was I expecting. Did it include the people I had met for the past years? What would be my profession in the future? I wasted many nights thinking about this damn thing. Wondering where my future laid. Then, I finally realized what I really wanted.

Soft steps were heard in the corridor as I glanced at the digital clock next to my bed, displaying 2:26am. I swung my legs out of my bed, and walked to my door, opening it slowly to see Howon.

"What are you doing?" I asked softly with warmth laced in my voice.

He looked at me uncertain, fumbling with the hem of his shirt. I wrapped my hands around his arm as I pulled him into my room. He was so cold. Although we'd never actually had much skinship because we were just friends, I still remembered him as a warm person. His breath had always been warm whenever he had whispered something to me during lessons at high school. His back had always been warm when he had carried me to the infirmary at our first encounter, or around Myeongdong because I had twisted my ankle. And yet, this time he was cold.

I let him sit down on my bed, the moonlight slanting sideways on his face. After watching him for a while in silence, I noticed a few things. He had cried. I saw it by the way his eyes looked a little bit puffy. The moon acted well his job as the only source of light in my room. He worried. A lot. He worried about his problems and personal matters. "You can't sleep?"

It was painful to see him only regain focus when I had spoken up. He looked like a lost puppy in the midst of people. "Not really."

"You know what helps?" I began, placing a smile on my face. He shook his head, making me feel a bit disappointed. Howon didn't even have the energy to joke with me. I had expected him to say counting sheep or something similar. With an almost inaudible voice, I said. "Knowing someone is next to you."

He averted his eyes to his hands, not saying anything, as I decided to ask him, instead. "Do you want me to sit next to your bed until you fall asleep?"

I knew it would get awkward after that night. I knew we would act awkward towards each other after I had stayed next to his bed until he had fallen asleep. Because it was weird to do that as friends. But for him, I would sacrifice this much. I would sacrifice our comfortable silences and interactions if he would be able to fall asleep safe and sound just for this night. But he shook his head. "No, I'm fine."

His words were like stabbing needles at my heart, hurting me from the inside. How many times had he already said that he was fine? How many times had I believed him? The numbers were even. Being a friend meant to know when something was wrong. Why had I been such an idiot, believing his words? He was never fine, right? It was just me who wanted to believe he was alright. It was me who didn't want to worry about these things.

"You are not asking me what happened?"

I shook my head. "This is not for me to decide."

"You want to know?"

"Depends."

He chuckled lightly, warmth embracing me upon hearing the sound. "What if I want to bother you with this? What if I want you to lend an ear to me?"

"I'm right here." I answered, looking confidently into his eyes. He sighed, sweeping his tongue over his lips to moisten them. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. His eyes were still locked with mine as silence engulfed us. In those seconds of quietness, I saw his eyes glistening under the moonlight.

"My dad," he began, pressing his lips into a thin line, clasping and unclasping his hands, "he kicked me out."

I held my breath, taking in the information he had just told me. I had already expected this issue to be related to his father. But I had initially thought Howon had left home because his father had crossed the line of hitting him. I had never thought it was his own dad who had kicked him out.

"We were talking about my future. Because I was doing nothing at home besides working part-time. He was angry that I haven't at least applied for a university. I finally told him that I actually don't want to study. That I want to become a dancer, an entertainer." he paused, lifting his head up to prevent the tears from falling, "But he was so angry. He told me my dream meant nothing. He told me I wouldn't get far. I would fail, and things like that. Then, he just kicked me out, saying I could live on my own now."

I grabbed his hands, pressed my lips together and gulped down to moisten my throat. He finally looked back into my eyes, smiling sadly. "You know what hurts the most? When he said I'm not his son anymore. When he said I'm good for nothing, and he doesn't need someone like me."

His tears started streaming down his cheeks as he tried his best to stop himself from sobbing loudly. I really wanted to cry. I really wanted to let my tears out because it was hurting so much. But seeing him crying that badly, I had to be strong. I had to try being strong for him. So instead of crying and being weak, I pulled him into a hug and let him cry on my shoulders. That was the very first time I had actually seen Howon cry.

Laying next to each other on my bed, we both stared at the ceiling above us, lingering in comfortable silence. After half an hour of crying and comforting, we had decided to break away from the hug and lie on the bed while listening to each other's breathing. During the whole time I had still been hugging him, I had sobbed silently by myself. Although I had wanted to look strong, I still couldn't prevent the tears from falling. Seeing someone close hurting pained a lot.

"My eyes are dry now."

I chuckled. "Mine, too."

"Thank you, Hana. For listening. For being there for me. For comforting me." said Howon, smiling. "I know I've already told you that at the end of last year. But I don't think I can say it enough. Thank you."

"It's me who should say that. Because you were there when everything happened with Woohyun. You always helped me. I just had to look back, and there you were. Smiling at me." I felt the tears suddenly appearing again. He must have noticed because he patted my head.

"I thought your eyes were dry." I didn't respond but instead, tried to wipe away the escaping tears. Howon chuckled lightly next to me before speaking up. "Anyways, what about you and Woohyun?"

"Nothing. He was my first love."

"You aren't chasing him anymore?" he asked, turning his body to me. "You sincerly forgot him?"

"It's not a matter of forgetting. I moved on. I will always remember. I just won't chase anymore. Because it's tiring." I responded truthfully, wondering if Howon's way of changing subjects were purposely done to distract himself. If so, I gladly helped him.

"Why does Hana sound so mature now?" he teased with a smile while closing his eyes. I stared at his eyelashes for a while, pondering why I felt attracted to them when Sunggyu's face popped into my mind. But just for a second. 

"Howon," I called out as he stirred a bit, "you know I love you, right?"

He opened his eyes wide, looking at me with a baffled face. "What?"

"But can you please go back to your room?" I asked playfully in a sweet voice. No matter how close we were through crying on each other's shoulders or talking about indecent things, it was still a no-go for us to sleep on the same bed. And Howon with his eyes closed had seemed to fall asleep any minute. 

He chuckled. "I was about to do that, anyways."

Waking up the next morning was the best thing that happened to me. I felt refreshed. I felt happy. Because I was able to help Howon by lending an ear. I was able to repay him back for everything he had done for me. I know friendship didn't depend on compensations and paybacks, but I still wanted to anyways. Because Howon meant a lot to me. 

Although my morning had been awesome, I still panicked when I found the door to the guest room open. I ran downstairs to my mom and asked her where Busan guy was. She was more than shocked to see me being so panicked when she then told me that he went to work. I was more than glad. 

"Did he tell you?" My mom and I sat down on the couch, preparing lunch by peeling potatoes. 

"Yeah..." I mumbled. 

"He told me, too." said my mom, turning her gaze to the TV screen in front of us. 

"He did?"

"This morning when I made him breakfast." She grabbed another potatoe from the bowl as I traced her slender fingers. It seemed like my mother had lost some weight. "He said he wanted me to know because that's the least he can do if he stays here for a while."

"And?"

"You know what I like about Howon? He is a really polite and well-mannered young man. I think his parents did a good job in raising him."

"Are you saying it's OK for them to hit him?" I asked slightly ticked off. 

"No. It's not OK. No one deserves to be hit. And no reason can justify it." My mom paused for a while, turning the TV off. "But seeing Howon growing up into such a great person, I doubt his father hit him because he needed to vent his anger out on someone. I'm just saying his parents aren't neccessarily bad people. They do mistakes, too. I just don't want you to leash out on his mother when she arrives."

My eyes doubled in size. "You invited his mother!?"

"Hana, she is his mother. She has every right to know. I won't keep my mouth shut about his whereabouts."

I stood up, throwing the half-peeled potatoe back into the bowl. "I can't believe you called her. And Howon even trusted you. How can you do this to him?"

"Hana!" She raised her voice at me, her eyes boring into mine. I felt so betrayed by my mom. I couldn't quite describe all the emotions I felt when she had told me about her telling Howon's mother. I didn't want anyone to hurt him anymore. I just couldn't stand his pained face anymore.

I was so angry at my mother that I decided to leave the house. I couldn't stay while the silence suffocated me. I needed someone to talk to because I couldn't do it alone anymore. I felt sorry but I just couldn't. When Howon's smiling face appeared, I started crying. I was human as well. I couldn't take this anymore. It was just too much.

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