Reply Thirty

As a human being, one of the essentials that abstract us from animals is the skill to notice little things. At least, that's what I think. That's what I believe in. I believe that people need to have the skills of noticing even the slightest changes, the slightest mood swings or the slightest abnormality. Especially because people tend to keep their matters a secret. They tend to hide their true feelings which is why it's so difficult to understand human beings. Although you see that person everyday - always happy, always lucky - you don't know what's hidden beneath that smile. What's kept in secret behind those eyes. 

Spring 2009. 

I felt so stupid not to have noticed that. Why was I so dense? But honestly, it wasn't actually my fault. It was so small, so irrelevant that I couldn't have noticed. Because I was just a 17-year-old girl. I wasn't God, nor was I some mentalist. And yet, I couldn't have felt worse. 

Maybe it was because of the stress. Because of university, decisions about the future and of course, because of a few other things. Growing up was harder than I had expected. And when I looked at my mother lying on her bed, sleeping soundlessly, I wondered whether she had gone through the same things. The same pressure and the same anxiety as an 17-year-old. 

While I was busy with other things, I hadn't noticed that my mom had gotten skinnier. Even to the extent of falling sick. I blamed myself because I hadn't noticed although the signs were presented in front of me on a silver tray. That day when Howon had appeared in front of the doors because his father had kicked him out. How couldn't I have noticed her slender fingers that were wrapped around the knife while cutting apples in halves? Or when I had taken her hand as a sign of apology upon seeing Howon and his mother biding goodbye? Or at my aunt's welcoming party when my mom had gone to sleep earlier than everyone? Or when she panicked after I had told her that Myungsoo's mother had washed the dishes? Or when she had become so hectic that one day?

I should have noticed that she hadn't been feeling well. That she was hiding the stress that bothered her. That she was suffering some kind of mid-life crisis, maybe? Or simple because no one had cared to take her worries away. 

Seeing my mom so vulnerable made me wonder about a lot of things. Stress could destroy people. Like that exam day everyone hated. My former maths teacher had told me that couples could even break up during that time. All because of stress and pressure. That led me to Suji. 

The only things I knew about her were: a) She was beyond ordinarily pretty. b) She was Myungsoo's friend/girlfriend/ex/acquaintance (I couldn't decide). c) She used to live alone. d) She used to go to the hospital a lot. And if I actually did my species justice, then I would have noticed that her wearing long-sleeved clothes on a hot Spring night was kinda suspicious. 

Some of you are probably wondering what it had to do with the male who was standing in front of my room just yesterday. Why I had thought of my mom's slender fingers, Suji's clothes and stress. Because that male was the epitome of stress. His existence was defined as stress in my dictionary. Because it was that dude who had talked about his nephew as if the latter was a piece of trash at my aunt's welcoming party. That guy who looked down on people with dreams. 

And when I had looked at him more carefully, I noticed that he was skinny. No, he was beyond just skinny. He was extremely raw-boned. Like he would break apart anytime soon. And I had only noticed just yesterday. Because at the welcoming party, I had solely seen him as a jerk. I hadn't noticed the little things. 

I wasn't sure what was wrong with him. I didn't really want to know, and I'd lie if I hadn't felt sorry. Maybe I had judged him unfairly. Maybe he was a good guy, but the alcohol made him a bad man. Yesterday, he had even smiled at me as if he was a totally different person. Like the harsh words directed towards his nephew had never come out from his mouth. 

For the first time in my life, I wished I was like Kim Sunggyu. 

My father came into the room to check upon my mom. He placed his hand on her forehead, furrowed his eyebrows and pursed his lips. Later on, he motioned me to leave her alone, and we both walked out of the room to let her rest. 

"It's just a small fever. Don't worry about her." my father assured me, loosening his tie and plopping down on the couch in the living room. He, then, sighed and turned the TV on. I wondered whether he was stressed by his work at the bank or whether it was because of my mom falling sick so suddenly. I wanted to ask, but I didn't. As if he had noticed me hesitating, he spoke up, "By the way, I met one of your friends at work."

"Really? Who? Howon?" I asked, genuinely interested. 

"Was Howon's surname Kim?" 

I laughed softly at my father's inability to remember names and shook my head. "If it's Kim, then it's probably Myungsoo."

"Yeah, it was him." My father laughed, too, and I felt relieved. Because, like he said, mom was fine. Just a small fever. Worrying about it too much wouldn't help her at all. 

"What was he doing there?"

"Some financial things, I guess. What else do you do in a bank?" he asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes at me. We both started laughing, filling the room with our joy. And the world felt so much lighter. 

I was standing in front of Howon (and Sunggyu)'s apartment because I felt like talking to him in person, instead of staring at his words on my phone screen. His voice over the phone wasn't enough either. And I had spent sufficient time on getting along with the people at the gas station (with the exception of Sunggyu, just because). Miyoung had apparently stopped working there because she had to concentrate on her studies. Inguk was as weird as always, but I was confident enough to say that they liked me, at least. Also, after my realization, I had texted Myungsoo, offering him my ear. Whatever problems, worries and burdens he had, I wanted him to entrust them to me. 

Howon looked extremely funny in a tank top with his bed hair and his surprised expression upon seeing me. I knew he had his day off because I had asked Inguk about his shifts. Although surprise was etched on his face, it was quickly replaced by genuine happiness. 

He told me to come in and excused himself for a moment. I sat down on the couch and noticed the DVD of Charlie's Chocolate Factory on the TV counter. I couldn't believe I had actually forgotten that I had left it here. Before I had the time to take it into my hands, Howon entered the living room with a Tshirt on. 

"What do you wanna drink?" he asked over the kitchen counter, smiling at me. His happy expression was so calming to look at, it reminded me of all the good things that had happened between us. All the laughter and fun. All the words we had spoken to each other. All the pain we had overcome. 

"Americano." I answered, grinning at him, as I watched him letting his eyes wander towards his lit up phone screen in front of him. I remembered the day when Myungsoo had offered me the canned coffee. It was hard to believe that he had actually made me addicted to caffeine. Whenever I used to visit my aunt at the hospital, I'd choose the same canned coffee from the vending machine. 

As Howon was making the Americano for me, I decided to tell him about my encounter with Woohyun's brother. I realized that I had never told him the story before although I could have. Maybe the encounter wasn't that important to remember, or maybe I was that forgetful. Anyhow, I was telling him today. 

"At first, we didn't know that it was him but when heㅡ" I stopped talking when I noticed that he was staring at his phone the whole time I had begun my story while punching his thumps on the little phone keyboard. "You're not listening."

He looked up, surprise and the expression of being caught etched on his face, as he smiled sheepishly and left the kitchen counter to join me on the couch. Hands held in front of him as a sign of capitulation, he apologized. 

I decided to let him off because, well, he was my precious friend and he did leave his phone on the kitchen counter which wouldn't have the power to distract him anymore. So I finished the story with his phone vibrating in between (he had an Iphone) and with him ignoring the texts for me. 

"Your story reminds me that I've actually met Woohyun recently." Oh wow, the surprises in life. Of course my life would still consist of coincidences called Woohyun. Because me giving up on him meant actually nothing. Because all the tears I had cried and all the pain I'd had to endure because of him were irrelevant. Oh, the sarcasm. 

"Really," I said, not as amused as I should be. Because a part of me was aching to see him and another part wanted to slap that delusional part.

"He came here to fetch something. Some CDs, I think." said Howon, pursing his lips as to remember the details. "And then, he just left."

Now that I thought about it, when was the last time I saw Woohyun, Sunggyu and Howon together? When was the last time I saw them laughing with each other, joking around or playing soccer? Definitely not during graduation. Because on that day, they were all sitting next to different students. Not even after the graduation ceremony had ended because Howon was being confessed to and Woohyun was surrounded by his family. I hadn't really paid close attention to Sunggyu so I didn't know what he was doing at that time. But honestly, I never really got the feeling that Howon was so close with them. Maybe he was now because Sunggyu was working at the same place. But before that, weren't Woohyun and Sunggyu really close friends? What about now? Why did it seem like they weren't friends anymore? What happened?

What about Woohyun?

I was at Eunji's family store (which was a book shop, just in case I had never mentioned before) to buy something for my mom and her mid-life crisis. Giraffe was there, too. I looked around to see whether Myungsoo's presence would delight us but to my disappointment, it didn't. Which was a pity since I really wanted to talk to him. I was left alone with Eunji and Giraffe boy. 

"A mid-life crisis book for women in their late 30s?" She looked at me with a You-gotta-be-kidding-me expression. "Hana, is something wrong?"

I shook my head, waving the matter away. "It's for my mom."

She nodded shortly, giving me a slightly sorry expression as to display her worry about my mom since I had told her about her health. She, then, called out to Sungyeol to show me the directions. Giraffe boy was pretty eager to help, to my surprise. 

While Sungyeol was gathering all the books, I let my eyes wander around Eunji's family book store. I hadn't been here for ages. The last time was when we had been kids and when both my parents had worked to earn money. When my grandparents hadn't lived in Seoul and when no one had been there to look after me. Eunji and I used to hang out here because her parents had to run their shop. The only way to take care of us was to bring us to their workplace. I remembered how Eunji and I used to scribble on books and get yelled at afterwards. 

"That's all of them." Sungyeol placed the books I had wanted on the counter and walked to Eunji's side. He, then, pointed at the small packages with addresses on them. "Are these for delivery?"

"Yeah, go and deliver them." Eunji ordered him. Like a puppy who follows his master without any objections, Sungyeol nodded, took the packages and walked out. My gaze followed him dumbfounded until he was out of sight. I, then, turned around to look at my best friend. 

"That guy..." I trailed off, not knowing how to start my words. Ever since I had realized that I should pay attention to the little things in life, I noticed a lot of funny stuff. Sungyeol being extremely obedient today was one of those things. "That guy... Is he your boyfriend?"

Eunji looked slightly disgusted, shaking her head violently. "Ay, what are you saying? You really think we would be a couple?"

"No, but I'm just saying that he looks like he would do anything for you."

"Really," she remarked, not as amused as she should be. It was the same Really I had used when Howon had told me about having seen Woohyun. Only when I heard it from someone else, the same word and the same underlying tone, did I notice how suspicious it sounded. 

"What are you hiding, girl?" I narrowed my eyes at her, watching Eunji's expression change from bothered to caught. 

"Well, he told me he admires me."

"Admire as in admire, or admire as in like?"

"He just said admire." she answered, avoiding my eyes which was beyond suspicious. It was actually the first time someone decent had confessed to her. Not that Eunji wasn't gorgeous. But guys are humans, too. They usually hide their feelings because they are scared. At least. that was what I had observed over the years. Woohyun never went all in when he liked someone. Hara had probably never been told that he had liked her (besides by me). So guys had their issues, too. And it was admirable in the least that Sungyeol had managed to let her know his feelings. 

"How enviable." I remarked, pouting my lips playfully. As far as I could remember, no one had ever confessed to me. I guess, I just wasn't that pretty. Especially after I had gained some weight. Who would have thought that school was actually quite useful for staying fit?

Eunji chuckled suddenly at my words before going back to her work. I was about to choose one out of all the books Giraffe boy had gathered when my best friend suddenly spoke up in the midst of comfortable silence.

"Who knows, there might be some guy out there who admires you, too, but you are just not giving them the chance to express it."

__________________________________

Not Boohyun. Not Sunggyu. It's the dude who said harsh things about his nephew.

And since no one remembers that dude (OTL) because he didn't stand out, I'll explain him further:

Extract from Reply Twenty-Eight:  "I have a nephew. And that brat told his parents he wanted to audition for SM or something." That slightly tipsy male looked across the faces who were watching him, enjoying all the attention. "He said he wanted to be a singer because it's his dream and so on. I instantly told my brother. Hey, don't let that brat keep on dreaming that . He's never going to succeed with his face."

  Busan guy was smiling so brightly, it made me nearly forget the words from my aunt's friend. Not the drunk one who had said I was pretty. Because I could care less about him. But that guy who had stomped on his nephew's dreams like the he was. What if his nephew wanted to audition at SM? What if his face wasn't as handsome as Kim Jaejoong's? That boy had a dream. He just wanted some people to believe in him. And his uncle had dared to convince his father to stop him from supporting him. The whole incident had made me so angry because I wondered whether Howon's father had thought the same. Whether he had also made fun of him for having a dream. I wondered just how much he was suffering from all this. 

 I don't know how else to explain it. I'm really sorry for lacking like this. I did mention him but I guess he wasn't really interesting enough to be remembered.

It's probably confusing right now (with Suji and what it has to do with the male etc.), but everything will make sense one day. Promised. 

Anyone noticed that whenever I reply to comments, I am usually before an update?

As to why this update took me so long... I'll be honest. I was distracted and I need to find a part-time job (any suggestions? ;D)

Also, I wasn't quite motivated to write. But now I am.

Thank you.

I'll leave Myungsoo's aegyo behind <3