Reply Seventeen

I was 17 when I found out that my aunt got sicker. It was Winter 2008 when I saw my mother crying on my father's shoulders. I was only a teenager when I found my dad with that gloomy expression. I was still young and yet, I thought I had already grown up. But I was proven wrong. I was proven wrong when I saw my aunt's face getting paler. I was wronged when I found myself crying in the middle of the night. Maybe I was indeed too young for that. Maybe I wasn't prepared. Maybe my parent's never prepared me for that. For what? For the hardships of life.

We were in her hospital room on Friday, the day after we received the results of our exam. It was only yesterday when I talked to Hoya on the phone. Just yesterday, he promised me to tell me everything. And yet, I couldn't meet him. I couldn't shed tears with him while he told me about his problems. Because I was stuck here. Because my aunt's doctor called us this morning at 4am. He called us to quickly come over. Because he had things to talk about.

I didn't know it was that serious. My parents didn't allow me to take part in the conversation with the doctor, thus, I had to stay with my aunt. And here I was, sitting some meters away from her while I prayed to God I could go to school. I was never really keen in attending school but I really wanted Hoya to rely on me. I wanted him to tell me his problems so I could help him. If I had known that my aunt's state was crucial, I wouldn't even have thought of Busan guy.

For once, she was sleeping or something. Maybe she was only lying on bed, without moving a muscle. I couldn't find out since her back faced my direction. It was strange to notice this silence around us. We hated each other, for God's sake. We would always argue, bicker and fight. And for the first time after her long-time boyfriend left her, I saw her being vulnerable. Maybe it was indeed crucial. Maybe it was a matter of life and death but how would I have known?

My parents came into the room with the doctor right behind them. I saw it in my mother's eyes. That sorrow and regret. I only saw it twice in my life. The first time was when my grandmother hit my father because he was arguing with my mother. I could see those emotions reflecting in her eyes right after her hand slapped his cheek. This was the second time I saw them in someone's eyes. My father motioned me to follow him outside and that was what I did.

"Hana, listen carefully." I gulped down the saliva that gathered in my mouth. Was I prepared to know the truth? Did I really want to know whether my aunt was sick unto death? Hell, no. I just wanted to go to school and meet Hoya. I wanted to show him I was there for him.

"Your aunt, Sooyun... she has leukemia." His eyes glistened under the dim ceiling light. He was trying hard not to cry and to be honest, I really didn't want to see my dad crying. In my eyes, he was a strong person who wouldn't back down. But in fact, he was vulnerable, too. "The doctor needs to do more checkups until he can confirm in which state she is."

Leukemia. I once heard of the illness. It was during my biology class. It had something to do with the blood flow. But I couldn't quite remember anymore. It has been too long ago. I didn't even need to think about it further, trying to recollect my memories of my biology class since my father decided to continue speaking. "She might not have long. So please, Hana. Don't fight with her."

I was reminded of back then in Autumn when my aunt once became sicker than usual and we had to wake up early in the morning. It was exactly like this day. We woke up at around 4am to see my aunt and in the end, she was actually fine and it was only a fever. It was just like this day, my father told me not to argue with her. If Myungsoo had appeared, I really would have believed I was back in Autumn. But that wasn't the case. Neither did the end I was hoping for arrive. The end, consisting of the doctor telling us it was only a fever.

And all of a sudden, the memories of my aunt came crashing into my mind. During the time she smiled at me when I was a baby and the time when I began walking. I saw myself in my childhood, playing with Eunji when my aunt came to the playground to pick me up. Because I was too busy arguing with her, I even forgot that precious memory. I seriously put that reminder at the back of my head as I fought with her. I believed myself that she was a monster. I told myself in the beginning of my primary school years that I hated her. That was why I even forgot the time before I turned six years old. I even closed my eyes in front of the memory of her picking me up from the playground. Even though it was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my childhood.

Did I cry at that night? No. I didn't cry. I coudn't even grasp the fact that she was indeed sick. I still saw the Sooyun with that playful grin and that tongue stuck out at me before my eyes. I still saw the days where we would argue, where she had that spirit to fight with me. I just couldn't understand it. What did it mean to be sick? My grandparents were always fit. They were always healthy. I never got to know my maternal grandparents since they passed away even before I was born which was why I was never faced with the difficulties of sickness. It was like a little sneaky goblin who stole one's health, including one's happiness. That was my first time facing death.

Howon called me that day all worried because he hadn't seen me at school. I apologized to him, explaining why I couldn't even send him a text. We decided to meet up today since he was really worried about me. The sides somehow turned around. All of sudden, it was about me again. Suddenly, it was Howon again who cared for me. But I didn't want it that way. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to help him instead. I wanted to show him just how much I cared for him. And when we met up at the playground near my neighborhood, I decided not to speak about my aunt. Since I couldn't really grasp the fact yet, whether she was indeed very sick. Since my head always told me she was going to be fine.

I let my eyes wander to Hoya in curiosity, wondering when he was going to start telling me his problems. He looked at the ground, as if it was much more interesting to watch than to talk with me. I knew it was difficult for him. I knew it was hard to tell me. It was about his family after all. I bet, he didn't want me to think badly of his father. But for now, I wasn't even judging yet. I just wanted him to speak up. I wanted him to rely on me, finally.

"I don't know how to start." he admitted, looking at me shortly before turning his attention back to the ground. It was already snowing in Seoul. The ground around our neighborhood was covered with those white and soft flakes.

"Why did your father..." I trailed off, not knowing how to continue my sentence. I wasn't sure whether it was approriate to mention that word.

"Hit me?" Busan guy asked, lifting one of his eyebrows at me. When I nodded to his question, he continued talking. "Don't misunderstand. He didn't hit me because he was drunken or something. He wouldn't just harm me without a reason."

I let his words sink into my mind. What could be a reason to harm his own son? Why would a father decide it to be reasonable to hit his child? Why was it okay for some parents to abuse their children just so they could grow up? I couldn't understand it. I was never going to understand their reasons. But Hoya next to me seemed quite calm. It seemed as if he was okay with the outcome. As if he had already forgiven his father for hitting him. "What was the reason, then?"

"I told him about my future plans that day. I told him, I actually didn't want to study at a university. I didn't want to continue my studies."

I thought of my parents, my cousins, my grandparents, even my friends. All of them wanted to study at a university. All of them decided to further their studies. It wasn't even a question whether to continue or not. It was never a question here in South Korea. Now I understood the reason behind Howon's family matters. It was a shame when children didn't attend a university. Thus, my Busan friend had to face the consequences.

"I actually told him even two days before the exam day and I didn't go to school the next day because I was too sore to even walk."

My tears threatened to fall but I held back. I wasn't going to show him my weak side. I had to be strong for him. I had to stand tall for my friend. I just couldn't even imagine that strong boy next to me being weak. I couldn't imagine Howon's father hitting him to the extent of his son not being able to walk. I just couldn't. And I didn't even want to. He was suffering at his home while I didn't know anything. He had to endure the pain of his father hitting him while I stayed with Myungsoo at the hospital. He had to face everything alone while I gave Myungsoo the Peperos. And because his father hit him so badly, he couldn't even go to school. Thinking about it made me want to cry even more.

"I'm sorry I didn't text you. I was too scared to tell you." He laughed shortly, eyes reflecting more sadness than happiness. It was paradox. How he actually tried to smile when his heart didn't really feel like it. "And everything continue on the day before the exam when you paid me a visit."

I remembered how I walked to his house to assure he was okay. That was when I found out. When I realized my feelings for him. Not in that way, though. Not mutual feelings. I realized my feelings of care for him. I realized how much I liked that guy as a friend next to me. He suddenly became my Howon. He became my Busan guy.

"I never wanted you to find out, actually. But when you did, I was glad. I was thankful. In the end, I just wanted someone to find out."

He turned to me, a smile grazing his trembling lips. I wasn't sure whether they were trembling because of the cold or because he wanted to cry. His eyes were fixed on mine, as he told me everything. He told me it wasn't a question whether he was good or not. His father just wanted him to continue his studies but that wasn't something Howon wanted. He told me about his dreams. He mentioned it before during the school festival. He told my family about him wanting to be a dancer. I never knew he really meant it. I never believed his dreams until his eyes sparkled today while talking about dancing. He really wanted to be a singer-dancer. He told me, he really wanted to be an idol. I knew it was common for teens to audition but I was still shocked. I never knew my best friend wanted to become an idol, too. Especially since I knew it was hard. Since I knew it was difficult to be an idol. He, then, told me his scores, consisting of 342 points. It was below average. But I was sure it wasn't because Howon was dumb or stupid. He was actually quite intelligent. The problem was, he was too focused with dancing and singing that he couldn't concentrate on the exam. Hell, he already decided not to study at a university but then his father had to forbid him his dreams. How was he able to learn all the things we studied when he already gave up?

Howon told me about yesterday when he showed his scores to his father. He told me about his father ignoring him. He didn't hit him, he didn't respond. He only walked away without uttering a word. Hoya even said that his father's action of ignoring him was even worse than hitting him. He told me he would rather want his father to respond by hitting than to ignore his presence. But he also told me that he wasn't angry at his father. He didn't hold a grudge against him. I couldn't help but respect him even more. That was why I couldn't understand why one would even try to harm such a considerate person like Howon. If I could change things, I would want to adopt him. I'd want to adopt Howon so no one could ever harm him again. Even though this thought was ridiculous. When I expressed this idea to him, it still brought a smile on his face and I was glad. Even though everyone was cold to him at his home, I was there to give him warmth. Just like he always confronted me with his warm smile.

Weeks passed since then. Since that Friday that occured with many saddening facts. It was indeed a day I would remember even now in 2013. I grew closer not only with Howon but with my aunt as well. Who would have thought that a crucial situation could actually bring people closer to each other? My aunt and me, we stopped arguing. We weren't best friends yet but we somehow started talking to each other without any insults or hidden meanings. Even though Howon's father was still cold to him, he managed to smile brightly in front of me. His bruises slowly faded away but the scars in his heart didn't. No matter how many times he assured me he was fine, I still couldn't help bu believe that he was still hurt. Hurt because his own father hit him.

It was funny how we spent Christmas with Eunji's family together. We ate a lot, talked a lot, laughed a lot. It was actually the first time after a while that Eunji and I were hanging out that much. It was refreshing and melancholic. It seemed as if I hadn't talked to her for quite a while. I was glad that Christmas brought us together. Us together was just like the old times. We really needed the break from school. We really needed time for ourselves. Even though I was really sad that I couldn't meet Woohyun since I was too busy comforting and hanging out with Howon at school, I was still glad that I at least managed to balance my friendship with Eunji and Busan guy. I was still waiting for the day to come where they would announce they actually dated each other.

While at school I always clinged onto Howon to show him my caring attitude, after school I displayed my affection towards Eunji. Now that the winter holidays started, I couldn't see Busan guy much. We texted each other but we couldn't meet up. There wasn't a chance to. The only time I actually heard his voice was during Christmas when he called me. I didn't know why but I felt really happy upon listening to his soothing voice. My insides started turning when he suddenly began singing a song to me as a Christmas gift. I squealed like a little kid when he ended his serenade only to realize that I didn't have money to buy him anything. Christmas turned out to be day of receiving gifts. That was when I came to the conclusion I had to apply for a part-time job.

Eunji and I were walking to Lotte Mart - our new work place. After Christmas, we both wanted to take the iniative and apply for a part-time job. It was finally time for us to be independent. We just had to graduate after all before the whole stressful campus life began. We needed money since we were going to be adults next year. We couldn't always rely on our parents. And now that the winter holidays started, it was even more of a reason to work for money.

When we both entered the big building, I couldn't help but reminisce the first day of the second semester in high school. When I met Woohyun and his friend Sunggyu here in Lotte Mart. When my first love bought me the bag of peanuts because he accidentitally hit me with some falling snack. I could still remember his beautiful smile and how nervous I was back then. My first love began 3 years ago when I was 14 years old. But it really started to bloom in Summer 2008. Even though we still weren't at that state where I could confidentily say he loved me back, I was still happy with the things as of now. I was still happy that I was able to talk to him now. That we still shared some beautiful memories except of the one in which he slammed a ball into my face.

"I'll call a employee to instruct you both."

The manager told us before disappearing. Eunji and I, we were quite enthusiastic about the job. It was actually my first time working and I was excited to know the feeling of working our arses off. Even though Eunji could have worked in her family's shop - which I couldn't understand why she didn't - she still insisted in working somewhere else. So we both decided to apply for Lotte Mart. Since we both really liked it here and since we could always go shopping afterwards because it was located in Myeongdong.

When we were both looking through the fruit section, a guy approached us from the side with the Lotte Mart uniform on. When we both turned around to look at him, our eyes grew a size taller. Then I remembered something that happened during Chuseok. When he stood in front of the entrance of Lotte Mart to read something aloud.

"Hana-sshi?" Now that was even weirder. Since when did Sunggyu use honorifics to address me? He always called me Eli or just Hana but he never cared to use honorifics, why did he start this action of his suddenly? Why was he suddenly so awkward to me? Or rather, why was I awkward to him?

"Oh, it's you. You work here, too?" Eunji next to me seemed quite calm regarding the situation we were in. I still remembered that day in the ice parlor when Eunji and Sunggyu didn't get along well at all. It seemed as if my best friend changed into a calm woman. It seemed as if that day during the summer holidays never happened.

"Ah, yes. I'm here to instruct you."

How were the chances to work with someone from high school you were awkward with? It was so damn slim to actually apply for the same job at a hypermarket and yet, here I was arranging the products with Sunggyu - the person I'm currently most awkward with. If it had been Woohyun instead, I would've called it fate. But it was Sunggyu, the guy I initially called hamster and grandpa. It was that guy who thought we were friends and who always iniated a conversation with me. It was that same guy who was protective over me during Chuseok. It was Sunggyu who suddenly became so different. He didn't talk to me anymore like he used to. He even avoided eyecontact. I couldn't help but wonder whether this was a joke, played by God.

It would have been okay, if he had only worked at the same shop. Lotte Mart was big. You could work anywhere here. But we both had to apply for a job at the groceries section. We both had to be employed at the same place, putting the newly-arrived products into the shelves. Eunji was somewhere else while I had to deal with this awkward silence. I sighed upon realizing that I had to work with him and this silence for quite a long time from now on.

"Hana-sshi," he called out, approaching me with slow steps, as I flinched a little. I wasn't prepared to be talking with him. "Could you please hand me that?"

I noticed his index finger pointing at the box of snacks behind me. I felt relieved that he wasn't actually iniating a conversation with me. I wouldn't know how to answer. This whole thing was freaking ridiculous so I silently lifted the box of snacks only to fall back from my kneeling position since I couldn't balance my weight.

"Sorry." was all I heard from Sunggyu's lips escaping as he helped me putting the snacks back into the box. I couldn't tell for sure why he apologized. If I had to guess, I would say he was regretful for telling me to hand him something that was too heavy for me. But I couldn't be sure. Since I seriously didn't know what he was thinking.

We were quite close to each other when we put the things back into the box. I even smelled his cologne slightly before slapping myself mentally. I couldn't be so attentive and observant around him. I couldn't start noticing things around him. It was strange that I even thought of his scent for a moment. Ever since Chuseok, I started acting weird around him. Not only me, he did as well. But Sunggyu was good in hiding it, while I couldn't help but stare at his long eyelashes.

"Yah, since when are you using honorifics around me?" I blurted out, not quite realizing what I said. But I was acting calm, trying hard not to show him my own surprise of actually letting words slip off my tongue.

His eyes rounded, as he lifted his head to look at me. He shrugged a little, before answering with his tender voice. "Woohyun told me you hated it when I called you Elizabeth or Eli, so I thought I should use honorifics to show you my respect."

I felt guilty all of a sudden. When I looked back at all the encounters with Sunggyu, it was always me who was strange and mean to him. I was always the one who pushed him away, who thought badly of him. I always avoided him, acted feisty towards him. It was always me who couldn't really like him. Sunggyu never showed any of those emotions I felt towards him to me. He was never mad or angry at me. He was always trying to be friendly while I talked behind his back. While I even said mean things about him in front of his best friend, Woohyun. I was at fault. He was innocent all along. He thought we were friends and tried to get us into a closer relationship by using nicknames. I felt bad. Guilt filled my whole body as I stared onto the ground. Sunggyu already put everything back into the box as he stood up to go back to his place a few meters away from me, not before smiling warmly at me. It was as if he tried to tell that it was okay for me to act like that. That it was okay not to like him. I started to feel even worse because of his kindness.

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Needless to say how much I love these guys?