Reply Thirty-Nine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes things happen in your life, things that are so small you overlook them at first glance, things that don't seem to matter, that aren't important to mention, until, at a later date, another thing happens, and you start to recall every detail from that time, every little thing you would've otherwise forgotten, and just like that, those things seem to grow in importance, they suddenly seem to matter. Something will happen in your life that changes your perception of things, something that didn't make sense in the past, but will fully be comprehensible once you're in the future. Everyone has that something in their life.

 

 

And to give you an insight into my something, I will retell the story from the beginning.

 

 

 

 

Back in Summer 2005; the first time I met him

 

Needless to say, everyone would associate this year with the beginning of my first love, with the soccer ball incident, the love at first sight and the prickling feeling of falling to the ends of the world, because that was what I had told you, or rather, what I had decided to tell you. A year ago, I would have told you about Woohyun and the incident in which he had kicked the ball into my face because that was what had happened and what had mattered to me, and my feelings from a year ago wouldn't have allowed me to tell you the details that had never seemed important to my 17-year-old self. But now that it was almost Autumn 2009, and that something had already happened to me, and the roles had quietly shifted and changed into something I couldn't recognize anymore, my pride finally allowed me to tell the other side of the story, the part I had shamelessly ignored.

 

 

As you all might know, Eunji and I were watching Woohyun playing soccer with his friends on the sports field when he suddenly maneuvered the ball towards the bleachers, where we were standing on, and managed to hit my face, causing me to loose consciousness. After that, I woke up to Eunji worriedly looking down at me in the infirmary, as if to see whether the incident had left some ugly scars behind. Woohyun then burst into the room with one of his soccer friends trailing behind as endless words of apology escaped his lips. I looked at him, and fell in love. Eunji probably noticed, meaning she had already known about my crush on Woohyun ever since that day. Miraculously, I ended up glancing his friend's way, but his impression wasn't strong enough to last, which caused my memories to fail at recalling the things he was wearing or the things he had said to me that day. In the true sense of the word, I was too blinded by Woohyun to notice any other guy than him.

 

 

 

 

Back in Autumn 2006; things I had almost forgotten

 

Basically, Woohyun's presence had always prevented me from seeing things more clearly. Most of the times, my eyes were too clouded by his existence that I hardly ever paid attention to the other things going on in my life. My memories at being memories because they only had Woohyun's name written on them.

 

 

Nonetheless, if I dug deep enough, I could recall having witnessed a fight between Woohyun and his friend, which wasn't necessarily a fight as they hadn't thrown punches at each other, but more like an argument between friends. That was around the time Woohyun had courted this one girl, who was a year older, with that pretty hair and that great body, with whom I couldn't compare. Her name was Seungyeon, as far as I could remember, and she was his first love.

 

 

Ever since my first year of high school, I liked sitting on the big steps that separated the basketball field from the school building because I was into watching Woohyun playing basketball with his friends. It had always been a pleasure to me to witness him giving his best in order to win the game. Though, at that time, I had been disappointed because Woohyun never showed up. His classmates were there, this particular friend of his, too. But he never came. After all, he had dumped them.

 

 

I found out about that dumping part at a later time when I accidentally overheard his friend speaking to a classmate about Woohyun and his girl. They were talking behind his back, saying how blind he became ever since he had started dating that girl, and how he had stopped hanging out with them because he liked spending his time more with his girlfriend than with his friends. (Side note: around that time, I had given up on him.)

 

 

In the end, the silence in their friendship only lasted for a few days because you were able to see them talking again not soon after their fight, like nothing had ever happened between them, like Woohyun had never dumped them for his girlfriend in the first place. I suppose, guys aren't too stubborn about these things. I don't think guys ever resent people for a long period of time. Unlike girls.

 

 

But to get to my point, around the time they did ignore each other, I saw that friend of his approaching that one girl who was our junior from middle school, who used to frequently come over because of piano practice. Due to my vague memories and my ability to forget everything else and focus on Woohyun, I forgot her name. Of course, I wouldn't know the names of all my juniors, but she was someone who was popular among the students in our high school, mostly because she could play the piano so beautifully. Whenever our school would hold a festival, she was always invited to please the audience and visitors with her magnificent piano playing. Though, when we were in our second year, she applied for a different high school instead. A richer and more famous one. So much to betrayal.

 

 

Now to be honest, I hardly ever cared about the fact that Woohyun's friend had started taking a liking to this Piano Girl who wasn't really that pretty, in my opinion. It was just that because the things had changed, it now affected me, somehow. It affected me a lot. And I knew it shouldn't.

 

 

 

 

Back in 2008; the way I had seen things

 

When you look at someone, you obviously look at them with subjective eyes. Your views of the world, your preferences, your thoughts and experiences will affect the way you see things. If you, for instance, show a group of people the same thing, like an apple or a banana or maybe a photo of a model, chances are they will have different opinions regarding it. Some might think the apple looks healthy and delicious, others might distort their faces because they hate the taste of it. That was why Woohyun wasn't affected by Suji's beauty, but I (and maybe Myungsoo) was. It was the reason why I felt attracted to Woohyun, but Eunji didn't. In one way or another, our own influence changes the truth of the world. Or maybe, in a weird way, it shapes it.

 

 

So whenever he narrowed his eyes at me, I might have portrayed him like an idiot who didn't know anything better to do than to decrease the size of his eyes. Or whenever he called me by my nickname, the one I hated so much, I might have displayed him as an annoying, immature brat from town, someone you wanted to punch in the face. Back in Summer 2008, I used to think about slapping him a lot. But maybe that was just me being immature.

 

 

In a way, all the first impressions I ever had of him might have actually been distorted. They might have never reflected the truth in the first place. Maybe they had been exaggerated because I had never harbored good feelings for him, or maybe I had just seen the things with tinted glasses. For all we know, I might have recalled the memories differently, and made him sound like an idiot. Someone you couldn't help but dislike.

 

 

With my poor way of judging people, of seeing things other than the ones around Woohyun, I failed to do justice to the real person in him who was so much more than just an immature brat who liked calling me by those nicknames I hated. It was almost autumn in 2009 when I realized that...

 

 

 

 

Almost Autumn 2009

 

I liked him. I really did, and it wasn't something I'd just say so easily without an ounce of knowing what I was talking about. I really liked him. I liked how he would notice the simplest things, the smallest details, as if he cared more about others than himself. I liked him because he smiled in this certain manner to tell people he was okay. I liked the way he treated others, the way he talked to me with that gentle voice of his, and the way his name affected me. I don't know why it took me so long to notice the person he was, but in the end, I did. And I liked him. I really did. And I still do.

 

 

“Hana, please repeat what you've just told me.”

 

 

I took a deep breath, embracing myself for the next words I was going to say to Eunji through the phone speakers. I couldn't understand why I was hesitating to tell her about it, why it was so difficult for me to admit it. One part of me was thoroughly excited to let Eunji be the first one to know about my realization. But the other part, a pretty big one, was afraid of the consequences when talking about one's feelings.

 

 

“How can you let me repeat myself?” I asked, hiding my face with the hand that wasn't pressing the phone against my ear.

 

 

There was a small chuckle. “What happened, anyways?”

 

 

“Not much,” I said. “He just stopped me from getting an allergy attack.”

 

 

“And that was how you fell in love?”

 

 

“I don't know,” I told her, rubbing my eyes.

 

 

“Then how did you realize your feelings for,” she paused, as if she were fumbling for the right words to continue, “Sunggyu?”

 

 

I couldn't stop grinning to myself upon hearing his name. “I don't know how to explain this. It's indescribable, and wouldn't make sense unless you experience it yourself,” I said, adjusting the pillow under my head. Looking at my room's ceiling, I went on, “I mean, it was like someone explained my heart why it was feeling that way whenever he was around. Like someone pointed out to me, 'Hey, Hana, you like him. Don't you know that? It's obvious. Once you stop running away from the truth, you will notice.'”

 

 

“Strange way to explain this to me.”

 

 

“I know, I know. Do I even make sense?”

 

 

“Somehow, you do.”

 

 

I continued, “I asked myself these questions: why do I feel strange when I'm around him? Why do I get self-conscious when he looks at me? Why do I start to act awkwardly when he's around? Why can't I be myself? Why does he have that effect on me? Why does he notice me the way I notice him?”

 

 

“Now you don't make sense anymore,” said Eunji, interrupting me.

 

 

“It's just that,” I started again, tossing in my bed. “It's just that I seem to be pretty aware of him, you know. I mean, he really has long eyelashes, did you notice? And sometimes, when he speaks, he moves his eyebrows in this really strange way. And when he smiles, he smiles sincerely. When he talks to you, he never talks with a superior attitude. And whenever you do something embarrassing, he doesn't make fun of you.”

 

 

“Have you ever done anything embarrassing in front of him?”

 

 

“No, I haven't.”

 

 

“Then, how would you know?”

 

 

“I just know,” I insisted. “I look at him, and I know.”

 

 

A silence fell between us as Eunji excused herself for the bathroom, telling me not to hang up, and I decided to think of reasons for liking him, for liking this person I used to reject so much. I wanted to know why it happened, when it did, and how, but it seemed like no words in this world could explain the reason for my feelings. It just happened, and explaining this would only weaken its effect.

 

 

Eunji came back to the phone. “So I was wondering, are you going to tell him?”

 

 

“Should I?”

 

 

“Why not?” asked she, a small scoff following after. “You should tell him. That's the purpose of liking someone, isn't it?”

 

 

“But I don't want to be his girlfriend,” I revealed, standing up from my bed.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“I like him simply without the desire of dating him.”

 

 

There was a silence I couldn't describe. “And this is what you still call liking?”

 

 

“Yes,” I answered, convinced. “I like him.”

 

 

“And you wouldn't mind when he starts dating a girl? The one from the convenience store, for example?”

 

 

“Miyoung? She's more like a Hoya-supporter.”

 

 

Eunji sighed at the other end of the line. “You get what I'm trying to say.”

 

 

I mimicked her. “I seriously don't know. I don't know about anything right now. Everything's more than just confusing. I wished someone would just explain this to me.”

 

 

“Well, young lady, I think you should confess, anyways,” she said, coughing into the speakers right after. I played with the ends of my sleeve when she continued, “But thank you for telling me, Hana. I appreciate this.”

 

 

“Come back quickly,” I said because the greatest feeling of nostalgia hit me.

 

 

And she responded with, “Winter, I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Saturday, I went to the convenience store, where I was only greeted with Inguk's presence so I left after twenty minutes of him telling me his current nightmare, which was none other than the fear of ghosts. That same afternoon, I spotted my mom sitting on the couch with the phone pressed against her ear, as she was talking with someone about my aunt and her current boyfriend, with whom she would visit us the following Sunday. On Monday, I saw Suji in a clothing store in Myeongdong with people who had probably graduated from a different high school, and she smiled at me when we started talking a bit. Her friends seemed nice, too, (there was even a guy) and when we parted ways soon after, she told me to take care. The name Myungsoo never escaped her lips or mine.

 

 

On Wednesday, I went to the convenience store again, where I was only greeted by Howon's presence (with Inguk's hiding in the staff room) so I stayed until his shift ended because Busan guy had suggested to watch a movie after his work. It was an action film, but somewhere in the middle of it I nodded off. That same night, Howon walked me home, and pulled me into a hug as to say goodbye when we were standing in front of my house. Before he left, I told him to be like this as well when we greeted each other. Funnily enough, that was exactly what he would do the following Saturday.

 

 

On Friday, I went to the convenience store for the third time since that something had occurred to me, but who greeted me that day was an unfamiliar person standing behind the check-out counter with a magazine in his hands. Upon noticing my entrance, he quickly threw his reader to the floor, his face uneasy, as if he had committed a crime. I asked him where Howon, Inguk or Sunggyu was, and he said that he hadn't made acquaintance with Howon yet, but had seen Inguk going into the staff room. Sunggyu, according to him, had his shift tomorrow. So I thanked him, and left.

 

 

On Saturday, I went to the convenience store, and for the longest time, I just stood in the forecourt behind a gas pump, hiding myself for no apparent reason. A car pulled in in front of me, and the driver thought I was a gas station attendant, until that boy from yesterday appeared out of nowhere to help me out. He was giving me a strange look the whole time he assisted that driver so I decided to finally enter the convenience store.

 

 

I was hesitating to walk in, a fear of something I couldn't grasp tightly wrapping around me, until I told myself that nothing bad was going to happen to me, and I should stop worrying about the consequences. The automatic glass door opened, and the air conditioner blew cold air into my face despite the decreasing heat of a late summer afternoon. I heard someone greet me from my left so I turned around, and locked eyes with Sunggyu.

 

 

He was smiling. And maybe I was becoming delusional and a bit crazy for that matter, but in that short moment of silence, I truly believed that smile only belonged to me, that he would only smile like that in front of me, and, to be quite honest, it made me feel so good about myself. I didn't know what it was, or how it worked, but Sunggyu's smile had a way of filling my heart with blissful warmth.

 

 

The silence between us grew weirder so, to lessen the awkwardness, he said, “If you're looking for Howon, he should be here in a few minutes.”

 

 

I only nodded in response, still standing awkwardly at the entrance of the store, when he proceeded to adjust the snack box on his counter. Even from that small distance, I was able to watch his long eyelashes fall over his eyes. Observing his little movements somehow became a habit.

 

 

After a while, he told me to sit on the Coke crates behind the counter, next to him, and wait for my best friend there because standing would get tiring after some time. He also said that he would have offered me the couch in the staff room, but it was already taken by a sleeping Inguk. When I sat down, and started squirming in my seat because some parts of the crate were poking into my bottom, Sunggyu disappeared into the backroom, and came back with a green pillow, which he handed to me. Later that afternoon, when Howon still hadn't arrived yet, he brought me a milk carton out of the blue, and said with a smile, “If we don't tell Inguk, he won't notice.”

 

 

In the end, Howon arrived half an hour late for his shift. He entered the store out of breath, as if he had run a marathon, then spotted us behind the counter. With a confused look on his face, he walked to me, and wrapped his arms around my neck, hence keeping his promise. As he was pulling me into a hug, I felt Sunggyu's eyes on our intertwined bodies. Howon then released me from his grip, and did one of those guys handshakes with Sunggyu.

 

 

Looking back at me, he asked, “Will you stay here throughout my shift?”

 

 

To which, I scoffed, and answered, “Do you think I have so much time?” And I earned an amused chuckle from Sunggyu so I continued, “Go and change your clothes. You're already half an hour late.”

 

 

When Howon smiled in return, and disappeared into the staff room, where Inguk was sleeping in, I looked at Sunggyu whose gaze was following Howon to the door. I didn't know how to explain the expression he had on his face, but he looked rather absent, away from the actual scene in front of us. It almost resembled the distant smile he would put on when he reminisced the past. For some reason, that was when he looked the most unreachable to me.

 

 

“I'm envious of your friendship,” he said after the silence, casting his eyes on the snack box.

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

“You're a girl, and he's a guy. It's impressive you two are such close friends.”

 

 

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, lowering my gaze to his long fingers that he was running along the corners of the box. “Are you one of those people who believe friendship between a guy and girl can't exist?”

 

 

Which reminded me of Woohyun's trademark sentence that went like this: “That's what they always say until they fall in love.”

 

 

Sunggyu shook his head in response, and said, “No, no. I do believe they can exist. I mean, Miyoung is my friend as well, and she's a girl. But what I'm just trying to say is, when both of them are good-looking, and they get along, don't you think it's hard not to fall in love?”

 

 

A few minutes later, Howon joined us, his casual outfit changed into the working uniform. Pointing at the boy in the forecourt, he told me the guy was the new employee Inguk had recruited in replacement of Miyoung, which made sense to me. Sunggyu continued adjusting the items on the counter as Howon took small sips from my milk carton. After a while, I asked Busan guy about his father, and he said that they were currently on good terms, and that just yesterday his father had asked him about his application process. So it seemed, Howon got accepted by his university.

 

 

At 5pm, a couple entered the store, and they turned out to be Hara and her new boyfriend who honestly looked like a model. Tall and good-looking. It was surprising to meet her here out of all places, but a random wave of happiness upon seeing her pretty face hit me, nonetheless. I hadn't kept in touch with her since graduation, though, it didn't seem like anyone of us resented the other for not contacting. In fact, our friendship was more casual, and never included the promise of staying connected.

 

 

“Hey guys,” she said happily, looking at the three of us with sparkling eyes. “What a coincidence to meet you all here.”

 

 

“How have you been?” asked Sunggyu with a smile.

 

 

She smiled back. “I've been fine.”

 

 

“You have a new hairstyle,” I remarked because the new color suited her.

 

 

When Hara looked back, she grinned knowingly, as if she knew what I was thinking about before I even knew it myself. “Oh, Hana. I've missed you.”

 

 

“The feeling is mutual.”

 

 

She laughed at that. “We need to catch up on each others' lives.” Turning to her new boyfriend who honestly looked like a model, she said, “It's okay if you want to go back to the car. I can buy the snacks for you.”

 

 

He nodded with a small smile. “Okay, I'll let you talk with your old friends.”

 

 

“Don't miss me too much,” added Hara before he walked out.

 

 

“But I already do.” Then, the automatic glass door closed behind him.

 

 

I stared at Hara for a while, envying her relationship with her new boyfriend for no apparent reason, when Sunggyu walked past me, and gave off this certain scent from his cologne. I knew I was late to say this, but he smelled really nice. Whenever he moved around, walked in front of me, swiftly turned his head, I would notice this pleasant scent coming from him. And it would always make my heart slam faster against my chest.

 

 

“So where's Eunji and Woohyun?” she asked, looking in between me, Sunggyu and Howon.

 

 

The latter was the first to answer as he said, “Eunji moved to Busan, doing her own thing. Something related to music, I guess. About Woohyunㅡ” he turned to Sunggyuㅡ“I'm actually not sure about Woohyun.”

 

 

“Ah, okay,” responded Hara, and we stopped talking about him after that.

 

 

Only when she had already bought the snacks for her new boyfriend, and I followed her out in order to see her off, did she mention Woohyun's name again in the forecourt of the gas station, out of earshot from the two males in the store. Remarking how strange it was that Sunggyu didn't know anything about him although they used to be so close back in high school, she asked, “Did they had a fight or something?”

 

 

But I wasn't any wiser than her so I said, “Maybe they just drifted apart.”

 

 

“Well, at least, you're still close with the two of them,” she responded with a smile. I smiled back, telling her how glad I was, too, when she suddenly widened her eyes, as if she had just remembered something important, before saying, “Ah, by the way, I was going to ask you about Woohyun.” She paused. “Did it ever work out between you two?”

 

 

I shook my head, smiling. “Nope.”

 

 

“What a pity,” she noted, genuinely finding the outcome regretful. To be honest, a few months ago, I would have found the outcome regretful, too, but I was more mature now, wiser, maybe more tolerant towards these things. Maybe I had just learned to know how to handle well what was thrown at me. So it was easier for me to move on.

 

 

“But anyways, your boyfriend,” I began, nodding towards the expensive-looking car a few meters behind her, “is he rich or something?”

 

 

She laughed heartily, holding a hand before her wide open mouth. “No, no. I wouldn't say rich. You make me sound like I'm only after his money.”

 

 

“But when you marry him, you have to invite me, okay?”

 

 

“I'll invite you all. Howon, Sunggyu, Eunji, you. And also Woohyun,” she said, chuckling. “It will be class 2009's reunion.”

 

 

“Sounds nice,” I remarked.

 

 

And she said, “It does.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sunday night, when my aunt and her boyfriend had already left, and I was done with washing up, I laid down on my bed, and called Howon. He somehow picked up with the weirdest voice that ever existed in his throat, and I couldn't help but laugh the moment he said, “Hello?”

 

 

“You sound funny,” I remarked, because he really did.

 

 

“Yeah, I haven't used my voice for a while. This is the first time since noon.”

 

 

“What were you doing? Are you busy?”

 

 

He hummed in response. “Yeah, but not really. I was helping my mom with the dishes. But my siblings can take over.” There was a small pause in which the background noise at Howon's end of the line muted. “So, why are you calling?”

 

 

I tossed to the side, and listened to his calm breathing. “Just because.”

 

 

“You don't call just because,” said Howon.

 

 

“You know me too well.”

 

 

“Yeah, yeah. We know each other too well,” he repeated, a smile in his voice. “So what's the matter?”

 

 

I sighed slightly, pressing my lips together. Then I changed my hands, and held the phone with my left one. “About Miyoung...”

 

 

“Are we really talking about her again?”

 

 

“It's important,” I insisted, but it wasn't really.

 

 

“Okay, then continue.”

 

 

I smiled, liking the fact that he gave in for me. “So about Miyoung, do you think there could be a time when you'd see her in a different light? As a potential girlfriend or something.”

 

 

“No, I don't think so,” he answered, without a hint of hesitation. “I feel towards her the way I feel towards you. It's plain platonic.” Then he paused for a second before he said, “But I like you a lot more than I like her, if this was what you were waiting for me to say.”

 

 

“Then you've never looked at a person and thought to yourself, 'Wow, I think I'm falling in love,' or anything like that?”

 

 

“I did, of course. With my ex.”

 

 

I widened my eyes in a small manner, remembering him having mentioned dating someone before. “Right, you had a girlfriend back in Busan.”

 

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

“How did you meet her, anyways?”

 

 

“She was my classmate. And we once met each other outside of school, which was when I started seeing her in a different light,” explained Howon. “And then I unknowingly fell in love, you could say.”

 

 

“So do you still miss her sometimes?” I wanted to know.

 

 

“Hana, we're not in a movie. And I don't miss her,” he said, chuckling. “Actually, it's the first time since the break up that I'm thinking of her.”

 

 

I nodded to myself, placing my arm on my forehead, as my mom's laughter echoed from wall to wall right into my room. She was seemingly watching a comedy with my father, who would occasionally complain about the acting of the cast. Howon didn't say anything for a while, and I waited in silence for nothing in particular.

 

 

Then, when I decided to go to sleep because that whole Sunday was too tiring for me, and I believed it was healthier to sleep early, and my dark circles would also fade a little if I did, I told Howon that I liked Sunggyu.

 

 

And he laughed in response, and said he was happy for me.

 

 

And then I knew my life was going in the right direction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few weeks before the start of my first semester at university, I decided to send a package to Eunji in Busan. A postman had recently delivered her belated birthday present for me so I thought it was only natural to send something back, especially since she had not only helped paying for my Iphone, but also prepared her own gift, which she had previously promised to give me when she would come back. (Which was a lie, as you can see.)

 

 

After asking for a box at the counter, I sat down on one of the seats near the entrance, and carefully placed the items in it. A few beauty products. Hair products. New headphones (which my parents helped paying for). Big Bang albums. And a written letter. I closed the box, and glued the stamp on top of it.

 

 

While absentmindedly watching an elder man pushing the glass door open, I found myself wondering about Myungsoo, his lack of concern about me or anything else for that matter, and his disappearance. I understood that you sometimes don't get along with everyone, and that sometimes people will leave your life without a solid reason. I really did. But it still bothered me the way he suddenly stopped caring about me. For me, it just seemed too out of the blue.

 

 

I finished filling in the stamp with Eunji and my address when the glass door opened again, and I caught a quick glimpse of a familiar figure standing besides a post van. Trying to look closer, I squinted my eyes, and spotted the black leather snapback on his head, which only belonged to one person that I knew of. Not seconds later, he turned around, noticing me sitting on one of the seats near the entrance, his eyes widening slightly, before he smiled, and my heart stopped for the longest moment.

 

 

“Hey,” he said, approaching me with small steps, the ends of his eyes crinkling. “Are you sending something away?”

 

 

I responded a bit too shyly for my liking. “Yeah, to Eunji.”

 

 

He nodded, taking a seat next to me, the single movement of him sitting down making me more nervous than before. Our shoulders were only an inch or less apart, and I almost felt his body heat passing over to me. On top of that, his scent was lingering in the air, causing me to bite my lips for no apparent reason.

 

 

“And you work here?” I asked hesitatingly, after I had noticed the postman uniform he was wearing.

 

 

There was a smile gracing his slightly pale lips before he said, “I left the band. So yes, I'm working here now.”

 

 

“Why did you leave the band?”

 

 

“The working hours weren't that great.”

 

 

“Ah, I see.”

 

 

“Besides, I prefer sleep.”

 

 

I nodded slowly, wanting to know so much more about him and his reason for quitting his job at the bar, his preferences and likes, his hobbies and dreams, his secrets and stories. I wanted to know more about him and the person he was, the person I couldn't see before. I wanted to know what I looked like in his eyes, how he perceived me, and what he thought of when he heard my name. I wanted to engage him in a long conversation at night, to share the same thoughts when others didn't, and to learn something new about him every time we talked. I wanted to look at him without the desire of him looking back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunggyu walked me home that day. He took the package off my hands, walked to the counter, and finished the procedure of posting in my stead. Taking his thin jacket from the staffroom, without changing his uniform, he returned, and we both walked towards the bus stop a few streets away.

 

 

The walk only took us five minutes, and we arrived sooner than I had expected, which somehow caused me to feel disappointed. He turned around to look at me, so I looked back. We both didn't say anything for a while, and only waited in silence for something to happen. When I was the first one to avert my eyes, he said, “Okay, see you then.”

 

 

But I wasn't ready to part yet so I quickly yelled, “Wait!”

 

 

Sunggyu stopped in his tracks, and turned his head back to me. There was a line of expectation painting his forehead. He raised his eyebrows slightly, and waited.

 

 

“Um,” I began, not knowing how to finish what I had started. “I...”

 

 

This part of the city was hardly ever crowded since it was more of a residential area than a place full of boutiques, shops and convenience stores. In fact, I could only spot an old man sweeping the ground at the far distance just before a lime-colored apartment complex. Other than him, no one else was there.

 

 

I looked at Sunggyu again, wondering why I had stopped him from walking away in the first place, why I couldn't just let him go and see him another day. It wasn't exactly like I would immediately miss him once we parted ways. It wasn't that kind of a love. I wasn't obsessed with him, okay. I just felt like there were still words I hadn't told him yet, which he needed to know about. I just felt like his “Okay, see you then,” happened at the wrong moment. As if he had interrupted me just before an important announcement.

 

 

“Uh... Sunggyu, I... Uh,” I said, because I didn't know better. He slightly furrowed his eyebrows, his face screaming with confusion. “How should I phrase this...”

 

 

He still wasn't saying anything, only looking back, and I even started touching the nape of my neck out of nervousness. For no reason, I was feeling exposed in front of him, as if he could see through me right now, as if he could read the words written on my heart. My hands started sweating on their own, my feet impatiently tapping to a beat I didn't recognize. When the short silence between us was too thick for me to bear, I took a deep breath, and said, “How do you tell someone you like them without sounding stupid?”

 

 

But there was no response so I continued, “I mean, I'm already sounding stupid, probably. And I'm embarrassing myself right now. But, yeah... I guess, I'm starting to like you.”

 

 

And after a pause, I added, “Yes, I do. I like you, somehow.”

 

 

And he only looked surprised for a few seconds before a smile spread across his lips, and he said, “I know.”

 

 

He knew. He knew too well.