Reply Nineteen

This meant war. I couldn't let everything from 2006 repeat itself. I once witnessed him dating a girl. I once had to live with that. I once had to watch him being all happy with that girl. In Autumn 2006 when I was 15, I had to try to forget him. I had to do everything to leave this unrequited love. I was too tired to keep on liking him. It was definitely too much. His exgirlfriend wasn't a student at our high school, thus, it was easier to deal with that pain. They broke up next year in Summer, which was when I started to fall in love with him all over again.

Whoever this girl was, I had to fight her. I couldn't give up like that. I had to do something for my first love. He was standing right in front of me. I just had to run and catch him. No one said it was easy. Life was never easy. I had to prevent this from happening. Woohyun couldn't start dating a girl. I wasn't prepared for that. And yet, it was my fault. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about him. I just had to make sure that he was fine. That he was smiling. But I was so wrong. How could I have forgotten the fact that he was human, too? That he would fall in love as well?

I always thought I just had to love him enough and everything would be fine. I thought when I liked him a lot, he would return my feelings one day. But this world didn't revolve around me. This wasn't just my world. This was everybody's world. Every single individual lived her. They had feelings, too. I wasn't the only one who was in love. But it was still unfair. I liked him for so long, didn't I?

"Hana-" Hoya called out next to, but was interupted by Dongwoo. I was glad that tears didn't stream down my face. I had to keep on being strong. They couldn't see my tears.

"Little cousin, where's the bottle of water?" I looked up to see Dongwoo standing in front of me, the other guys behind him. They were apparently taking a break from the game. My eyes slowly wandered to Woohyun, who was on his way to his bag, probably looking for a towel. At first, it seemed like he found what he was searching for, but a smile slowly grazed on his lips when he rummaged his bag. He seemed so happy. When his hands took out his phone, I realized what I had been negletting the whole time. What I had been putting to the back of my mind. Smiling when his gaze was fixed on his phone screen; always being in a good mood and enjoying life more than the average human being. He was in love.

He was just like me. In the first months of realizing that I liked him, I was happier than usual. I laughed more; I joked around more; I saw things through rose-colored glasses. Whenever he passed by me, I giggled like an idiot. Whenever he did something which was uninteresting for other people, I smiled. I sometimes even wondered why Eunji didn't feel the same. Why she wasn't as optimistic as I was. I became a hopeless romantic. Whenever my thoughts wandered to him, my facial expression shined more. This was love. Being happy for no reason, then slowly realizing, it was thanks to him.

Nam Woohyun. My first love. He fell in love in Winter 2009.

It's sometimes scary and strange, how some things end up badly, while others suddenly turn to lead you into happiness. I never really understood fate or our fateful path in life. I never knew what they meant by it. People say things happen for a reason. And when there is happiness, there is also sadness. While people, living in luxery, might be happy, others like those in the third world aren't. One's own happiness might be someone's sadness. This was what I learned in year 2009.

It was hard to process what was going on. It was hard to understand the meaning behind everything. I asked myself, why? It was strange, it was bizarre. It wasn't something I expected. Even though I should have been happy and glad, I still couldn't help but feel this sadness welling up in my body. I didn't know what the doctor was saying to my parents; I only saw them beaming with happiness. I turned to my aunt, who was looking back at me. She didn't quite seem to understand either. Ever since we found out about her crucial state, we became closer. I occasionally visited her; we would talk about everything and I felt more relieved. It was like a whole bunch of trouble was lifted off of my shoulders. But then, something irked me.

My parents told us that the doctor was sorry for mixing up the patients' files. He apologized, bowing his head slightly, for mistaking someone else's sickness with my aunt's. It was like a stab into my heart. The doctor told us that my aunt didn't have leukemia at all. He just accidentally swapped the files. She was having a tumor in her kidney, not leukemia. My mom was happy since the chances to survive leukemia was worse than surving a tumor. Both my parents beamed with joy and relief was etched on their faces. Before leaving the room, the doctor apologized again for the misunderstanding. Even though it was good news; even though it implied, I wouldn't need to cry myself into sleep again, I couldn't share my parents' happiness. When I looked to my aunt, I saw the same. She felt guilty.

Yes, my aunt didn't have leukemia. They will most likely be able to remove the tumor from her  kidney, but what about the other patient? What about his family? What did they feel when they received the news that their son, husband or child was in a worse state than initially presented? Weren't they grieving now that they knew the truth? Weren't they angry that they were filled up with false hopes? Leukemia didn't mean death, but it was still difficult to heal such a sickness. After my aunt was falsely diagnosed with leukemia, I searched up the internet for information. I even tried looking for solutions and treatments. But the chances weren't high. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. For the family whose important member had leukemia.

My aunt and I were alone in the room since my parents went back home, while I wanted to stay. We were both deep in our thoughts when I uttered out what I was thinking the whole time. "I feel bad for them."

She chuckled lightly, before smiling quietly. She was feeling the same. My aunt probably felt even worse since the doctor mistaked her file with the one from the other family. "There's nothing we can do about it."

"As a doctor, how can one make such a mistake?" I mumbled to myself. I wasn't mad or anything. I just felt guilty. But don't misunderstand. I was happy that my aunt wasn't suffering under leukemia. I was beyond happy. But it still didn't feel right to be happy. It was so wrong to smile about it. Because it was someone else's sadness.

"Doctors are human beings, too. And humans make mistakes. We always do and we can't prevent it. That's why it's even more important to forgive ourselves. Since we can't blame us forever."

I nodded to her, remembering Busan guy suddenly. Even though he never talked about his father and the domestic abuse anymore - ever since he told me everything - I couldn't help but wonder whether he blamed himself for that. He was too kind. Too considerate. He even forgave his father right after, not blaming him at all. He even defended him. As far as I knew Howon, he might be blaming himself for his father's cold attitude. He might be blaming himself for not being a better son. For being selfish of wanting to become a singer.

All of a sudden, I wanted to embrace him in my arms. I wanted to meet him, telling him it was okay. I was reminded of my cousin Dongwoo, who listened to my story about Woohyun without interupting only to ask me whether I had a hard time. Even though I always thought I was there for Howon, I actually wasn't. I was still selfish. My mind was only occupied with Woohyun. I only thought of Woohyun. While Busan guy supported me, even telling me that Woohyun might be dating someone, I didn't help him in the least. What kind of friend was I?

But I was selfish, after all. Even though I told myself to be occupied with Howon, I ended up being busy with Woohyun, instead. Just like that, I broke my own promise to myself.

Dongwoo urged me to meet Woohyun. I didn't tell him about my first love possibly dating someone. I didn't know how to. I knew my cousin would support me; he wouldn't judge me. He would listen to me without interupting. He would sit still, while listening to my story and problems. But I couldn't tell him. Ever since Hoya told me about it, I couldn't even talk about it. I couldn't really react. I couldn't answer him when he was calling my name. I didn't want to talk about it. At that night, I couldn't even cry. I was helpless, my heart hurt but I couldn't cry. I was glad when Busan guy didn't ask me how I felt. I wouldn't know how to respond. I felt relieved when we talked about trivial things the next days.

"How did you know he was working here?" I asked Dongwoo, who was adjusting his beanie while staring ahead to a café. It was snowing all day and we were freezing. I initially didn't even want to go out, but my cousin insisted. In the end, I actually wanted to meet Woohyun. I was missing him. His smile, his eyes and his voice. I missed that guy.

"Sunggyu-hyung told me." I was reminded of the friendly exchanges between Sunggyu and my older cousin on the sports field. "If it won't work out with Woohyun - I'm not implying it won't - Sunggyu is a great guy, too."

I didn't feel the urge to throw up. I was only staring at him, before shaking my head. "Nah."

"Or that Howon. He seemed to be treating you well." I never understood why people always paired me up with Busan guy. We were only friends. Friends couldn't be lovers. That was just impossible. No matter how good-looking Hoya was. I only had Woohyun in my mind.

"You didn't tell Sunggyu about me liking Woohyun, did you?" I asked skeptically after thinking about Dongwoo and Sunggyu becoming friends.

"No, I didn't." He smiled to me. It was a promise, after all. He promised me and as well as I knew my older cousin, he would never break promises.

"Good. Because only you, Howon and a friend at school know."

"Eunji?" As soon as he mentioned her name, I stiffened. I never thought about it. Or rather, I forgot to think about it. I never told my best friend about me liking Woohyun and she never asked me. Even Dongwoo thought she would know. But it didn't seem like a naturalness to me. I didn't take it for granted that Eunji should know about it. Now that I thought about it, I didn't even know why.

"No, someone else." I mumbled a bit ashamed. But Dongwoo soon let it go, seeing me being uncomfortable with it. We wanted to cross the streets to enter the café when I saw someone's back resembling somone I knew. He looked awfully similar to Myungsoo to me. Then, I saw the girl next to him. I would never forget her face. It was that Suji girl. They were walking side by side. I couldn't see his face, but I knew right away that it must have been Myungsoo. Upon seeing him, I remembered the incident in New Year. I wasn't resentful; maybe he forgot to reply back, but I was still hurt. I didn't have mutual feelings towards Myungsoo, but it was still a burden to me that he hadn't replied to my text. I just wished him a happy New Year. Was it something to ignore? I thought Myungsoo and I were friends. We were even on that trip to pray for my aunt. Did he even know about my aunt's state? I soon realized, friendships faded away quickly. It didn't matter whether one tried hard to keep in touch. If the other person didn't make any efforts, it wouldn't work out. Friendship wasn't one-sided.

Dongwoo told me to act normal; to act like it was a coincidence to meet Woohyun here. I thanked him for telling me all those information about my first love. I thanked him for helping and supporting me, before we entered the café.

"Welcome." I heard him saying. He had such a beautiful voice. It kind of broke me a bit because his voice seemed so distant to me. "Oh? Isn't that Hana and her cousin, Dongwoo?"

"Wow, it's you." Dongwoo exclaimed surprised. It was funny how seriously he took this.

"Yeah, it's me." He smiled, eyes turning into slits. "You guys can sit anywhere you want."

I stared at him for a while even after Dongwoo already left to find a seat. His eyes were following Dongwoo amused when he noticed me staring at him. I quickly looked away, face burning because of his eyes on me when he laughed slightly. I trailed after Dongwoo when he sat down onto a seat near the counter. He was doing this on purpose, even letting me sit on the side where I could watch Woohyun. I had to giggle because of Dongwoo. He acted like a big older brother to me.

I was watching him the whole time. He seemed to enjoy his job. Whenever he had to push the buttons of the coffee machine, he seemed calm. Then, I saw the phone in his hands. I laughed at myself in my head. I laughed at how pathetic I was. Of course, he smiled and was happy because he was texting this girl. He was indeed in love. I doubted it was something comparable to what he felt towards Hara. I doubted it was only infatuation. But then I remembered what I told myself. I didn't want to give up just yet. It wasn't certain whether they indeed dated or not. No one knew. Maybe I still had a chance. Maybe it was indeed like the events that happened between Hara and Woohyun. I had to fight. After all these years, I dared to approach him. I dared to take the initiative.

The glass doors were suddenly pushed open when a girl entered the coffee shop. I didn't pay much attention to her. Hell, I didn't even notice her entrance only when Woohyun stared at the doors. That was when I saw her. A girl with light brown and wavy hair and a face as pale as porcelain. The way she entered was graceful; the way she tugged her hair behind her ear was beautiful. If I were a guy, I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes away from her. She wasn't as naturally beautiful as that Suji girl or Hara, but she had that presence. She had that beautiful aura around her. She emitted beauty. It was difficult to explain and even I, as a girl, had to admit I was drowned in her presence.

But what probably hurt me the most was when his face glowed upon seeing her approach him. I wasn't hurt when I realized that she was much more beautiful than me. I wasn't quite affected since I could care less. But what made me self-conscious when she entered the coffee shop; what hurt me at the same time, was the way Woohyun looked at her. I didn't care whether I, myself, thought some girls were prettier than me. I only cared and worried when my first love thought the same. Remember that Suji girl? I was scared Woohyun might fall for her beauty, but he didn't and I was happy. I didn't care anymore that she was more beautiful than me. Self-consciousness. It all depended on the way my crush saw the things.

He greeted her with his eyesmile, showing one of his dimple. He was smiling at her so beautifully like he wanted to show her his happiness. During the time they talked, his lips were continuously tugged upwards. They both laughed, smiled and they became all silent, just looking into each other's eyes. I thought I was prepared to fight back. I thought I could do something like running up to them and snatching Woohyun away. I thought I could at least distract him from her, but I was wrong. I didn't know what to do. I continue watching them gazing into each other's eyes, while my hands suddenly became cold. I didn't have the confidence and courage to walk to him. I couldn't even go and try talking with him. I didn't dare to stand next to her since he would only compare me with her. And she was by far more beautiful than I was. I felt so little and helpless.

"What's happening?" Dongwoo asked me suddenly which made me remember that he was there, too. I almost forgot his presence.

But I didn't reply back. I was too busy watching them. In my peripheral view I saw Dongwoo turning back to find an answer himself. Woohyun started leaning in to her. I thought he was going to kiss her, but he didn't. Never did I feel so happy. I wouldn't be able to take him kissing another girl. I never saw him kissing a girl. Not even in year 2006. I saw him holding hands with her or hugging his ex, but I never saw him kissing her. They probably did it at home. I was asking myself why he leaned in to her. I wanted to know the reason why when he suddenly closed his eyes and seemed like sniffing her. Then, a smile played on his lips as he held out his hand in front of her, palms opened. That girl slapped his hand away, but he held it in front of her again. I could see it in his facial expression that he was teasing her.

"Hana..." Dongwoo wanted to distract me and it helped. I averted my gaze away from them, looking down onto my lap. It was funny how my chest tightened; how I felt like I couldn't properly breathe anymore, but tears never fell down my cheeks.

There were a few things I found out through Dongwoo. I didn't know why my cousin had Sunggyu's number, but this puzzle helped me to know more about that girl and Woohyun. Dongwoo apparently called Sunggyu to talk about a few things when he mentioned meeting Woohyun at the coffee shop he was working at. He told him about the girl we saw. That girl. I didn't even need to tell Dongwoo about the information Howon gave me. I didn't even need to tell him about Woohyun possibly dating. Through Dongwoo - and Sunggyu, too - I found out a few things.

That girl's name was Kim Hyuna. She was someone at our age who studied at another high school. They met each other in that coffee shop where she was working as well. They were workmates. They met at work and fell in love. She was also the one whose text replies made him smile brightly. They knew each other since autumn already. That girl would watch him playing football with his team. She even met up with him already, both probably enjoying a date. Sunggyu told Dongwoo that Woohyun might really like this girl. They weren't dating. Not yet. They were still only friends, but when I saw him at the coffee shop interacting with her, I realized they might not be staying friends for long. 

Those were the things I found out about Woohyun and her. I found out things about myself as well. I was pathetic. I was dumb. I was an idiot. I doubted my love towards Woohyun. I thought I knew him. I thought he was someone I knew everything about. I thought I understood him. But I was wrong. He was still a stranger to me. I only knew the things that I saw with my own eyes or through rumors. I knew all of his different smiles. I could recognize his voice everywhere, but I didn't even know the trivial things. What were his hobbies? Besides football, basketball and singing. What was his favorite color, his favorite food and his favorite movie? What did he dislike? Did he have a phobia? Was he allergic to something? What did he think of me?

I looked at my scrapbook, opened in front of me. I scanned the words with my eyes again and again. What did he think of me? I never wanted to know the answer. Maybe I never asked myself. But it was the most important question. What did he think of me? Was I just a girl who attended the same school? Was I just a girl he talked to a few times? Was I just a stranger or an acquaintance? Did he think I was pretty or cute? What did he think of when someone mentioned my name in his presence? Would he smile? Would he ignore it? Was I on his mind all day long just like he was on my? Did he ever think of me, dreamed of me or imagined me to be his wife? I laughed at myself. This was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. I quickly slammed the book closed as I stood up to walk to my bed. I plopped down, thinking about Woohyun.

Nam Woohyun. He was my first love. I liked him for 3 years. In summer, it would be 4. In all those years, I never dared to approach him. Only when he started liking a girl, did I begin to fight for this love. In the end, I was too late. In the end, I was too dumb. I was too ridiculous, thinking my love for him would be enough. I thought this love would finally bloom after being acquainted with him. After he finally noticed me, remembered my name. Back then, I was just a stupid teenage girl. I thought I had already grown up, but I was naive and stupid. I was an idiot. I touched my face to realize I was crying.

One day during the winter holidays, I cut my hair. I went to the hair dresser and told him I wanted my long hair to be chopped off. It wasn't because I did it for Woohyun. A part of me told me that I was doing it because of him, but the other part just wanted a change. I was tired of my hair. They had grown too long. During PE, I had to tie my hair into a pony tail. At night, it was difficult to sleep since I always tore some strands out, whenever I tossed around on bed. My hair didn't dry fast enough for me to go to school without it being slightly damp. My hair was already going towards my belly button. I had to cut them. It was getting annoying.

I remembered when Woohyun started dating that girl in 2006. I think, it was his first serious relationship. That girl had long hair, too. I thought he might prefer long hair so I never chopped them off after that awareness. But now I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to cut them. In the end, my hair only reached to the beginning part of my chest. The hair dresser also trimmed my bangs that were sweapt to the side. He wanted to add some color, but I told him that I wasn't allowed to do that. Dongwoo soon arrived from his walk around Myeongdong.

"Wow, Hanaegi. You look cool with that hair." He smiled brightly at me, putting his thump up. I giggled back at him, before thanking the hair dresser and proceeding in paying the money. That was when Dongwoo suddenly pulled my arm hurriedly, pointing at the windows. "Hana, there is Woohyun."

It was funny. Out of all days, I had to meet him today. I really never expected to see him. Ever since I realized he might be dating this girl soon, I stopped thinking about him. I wasn't doing that on purpose though. I just distracted myself unintentionally. I started to work out. I realized that I had put on some weight during winter because of all the food on Christmas and New Year. I had developed a bit of a tummy and it didn't look good at all when I looked into the mirror . I was slightly disgusted by myself so I started working out. Dongwoo first laughed at me, asking me what I was doing. In the end, he joined me. I also started watching all the episodes of Sailor Moon. It was refreshing to reminisce my childhood. I occasionally visited my aunt, talked with her about things and helped her whenever she was hurting somewhere. I even saw that Suji girl one day at the hospital, but I hid. I hadn't texted Howon at all after the day I visited Woohyun's work place. He stopped texting me, too. I supposed he was busy with his own things. I didn't want to bother him. Myungsoo was still a mystery to me. I hadn't seen him either.

Sunggyu was with Woohyun, walking past this hair salon. We still saw each other during Saturdays, but I started to work at another shelf. He would occasionally work as the cashier, but we never talked even once. I had to laugh slightly upon seeing them both. It was almost the end of January and it was still snowing. Woohyun hid his face in his scarf as he tried to warm his hands up by rubbing them against each other. He was still handsome. He still seemed fine, maybe even happy. I hadn't thought of him that much. Only when I was alone and when I didn't do anything but stared ahead at the ceiling. Then, tears would trickle down my face. I would sob silently and then, I would fall asleep. The next day, I felt fresher. I felt more alive. Dongwoo was one of the reasons I laughed genuinely.

"Let's talk to them." He urged me, pulling my arm even harder and more forcefully. I had to give in as I quickly payed the hair dresser and trailed after Dongwoo.

We soon caught up with the two of them as my cousin shouted their names. They turned around, before realizing that it was the both of us. They started smiling at - what it seemed like - Dongwoo. "Hey."

"What a coincidence!" My cousin remarked happily. This time it was indeed a coincidence. I slowly glanced at Woohyun who was looking at Dongwoo.

"Yeah." Sunggyu replied awkwardly. I knew it was because of me. I knew he really got along well with Dongwoo. Hell, my cousin even told me that they sometimes exchanged funny jokes via phone. Sunggyu was being uncomfortable because of me. Well, I didn't feel different either. It was just how our relationship worked. We weren't friends after all. And after Woohyun told him that I didn't like him calling me his nicknames; after Chuseok, we became those awkward people.

"Let's hang out together." I should have slapped Dongwoo. I think, he was mad. He was crazy. I didn't want to spend time with Sunggyu. Couldn't my cousin read the atmosphere? We were strange towards each other. We felt uncomfortable. But then again, he was doing this for me. He offered me the chance to hang out with  Woohyun. But at the back of my head, a voice whispered to me, saying this was a mistake. It whispered to me something I wanted to forget. He had someone he liked.

In the end, we still hung out. Apparently, Sunggyu and Woohyun didn't know what to do either so they were glad that we came. Well, that was what Sunggyu told us. I doubted it was the truth. I couldn't help but feel that we were just burdens to them. No, I was just a burden to them. They liked Dongwoo. They talked to him, joked around and I felt a bit out of place. It wasn't Dongwoo's fault. It wasn't Sunggyu's fault since we were both responsible for our awkwardness. It wasn't Woohyun's fault either because he was too busy with his phone, probably texting that girl. I was jealous, needless to say. I was hurt. He stabbed my chest every time he smiled at his phone screen. He killed me all over again whenever he had that sparkle in his eyes. It was my fault. It was my fault for involving myself with them. I just wanted to leave. I felt so lonely, even though they were there. I was sad. I even wanted to cry in front of them, but I held back. It was too embarrassing to cry. I think, Dongwoo didn't notice my saddened heart. Maybe Sunggyu noticed, but he didn't do anything. It wasn't his job after all. It wasn't even Woohyun's job who hurt me the most. He wasn't ignoring me on purpose. I knew he wasn't that kind of a person. But he slowly forgot the world around him when he texted her. I started doubting my love towards Woohyun. I always thought I loved him more than anything. But then, I had the feeling I was wrong. I didn't even know why I was able to keep on liking him when he never showed any sign of affection towards me. How was I able to love him when he never liked me back? Why was it an unrequited love? And for the first time after a while, I thought of Busan guy. I missed him. I wanted him to be next to me. I didn't blame Dongwoo, but Howon was someone who would notice my change of mood. He would notice whenever I was sad or hurt. He wouldn't leave me out like that.

It was suffocating. I couldn't stay next to my first love anymore whose gaze was still glued on his phone screen. I couldn't stay with awkward Sunggyu anymore. I couldn't even stay with my favorite cousin. I wanted to leave because it was hurting me. I felt like an outcast. I felt like an outsider. I felt unwanted. I glanced at Woohyun who didn't notice me at all. Then, I breathed out before acting like I received a message from Eunji. I told them I had to leave. I told Dongwoo that he should continue hanging out with them.

"Huh? But I wanted..." I knew he did everything for me. I didn't blame Dongwoo for not noticing my sadness. Maybe it was just me. It was my fault for overreacting like that. It was my fault for overthinking things. Maybe I only imagined that. Maybe they weren't really trying to let me feel unwanted. I bet, they weren't doing it on purpose. It was just me and my senses.

"See you at home." I smiled to Dongwoo, pulling my scarf tighter around my neck, before turning to the other two. "See you guys around."

Woohyun finally looked up from his screen and for a moment, I thought he would keep me from leaving. I thought - just for a moment - that he might stop me, but then he smiled at me genuinely, saying those following words. "Bye, bye."

I shortly met eyes with Sunggyu who stared at me with an unreadable expression, until I turned around to leave. It was true, after all. Woohyun didn't like me in the least. He didn't notice me; he didn't even see me as a friend, even though he once said it himself. In Summer 2008, when we met at the basketball field. I realized we were at the very same basketball field. I walked along the tall fences with those metal bars that once seperated Woohyun and me when we talked about trivial things. I didn't look back at them. I would only get disappointed.

At home, I locked myself up in my room and prepared myself to cry. But I didn't. I couldn't cry. Maybe the tears were dry. Maybe I was too drained out to cry. It hurt. But I couldn't cry my heart out. I wasn't even sure what I was doing. I didn't know why I was even sad. I didn't know why I felt so self-conscious of myself. I wasn't even sure whether they dated or not. But he ignored me today, didn't he? He didn't notice me. I wasn't any different from being the kid with the unrequited love. I stumbled onto my bed, face pressing on the bed sheets.

His happiness was my sadness.

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Aw, poor Hana.

I think, the next chapters won't be happy.

I'm shipping her with Woohyun, if she stays like that.

Kidding. :D

So it's Hyuna.

Some even thought of Eunji, but no. Haha :DD

See you then :D

Thank you all, my chingus.

Or my tofus?

PS: byeollie, Hoya is yours.

<3