Reply Thirty-Five

Summer 2009

I took the bus to Myeongdong, sat at the very front to receive the driver's help, should something happen to me, nervously tapped on my phone and waited for my destination. I thought of possible reasons for Dongwoo calling me so late at night. Was he injured? (First assumption.) In trouble? (Second assumption.) What happened? (Serious question.) I supposed Sunggyu was involved in that something, too, and it made me finally understand what Sungyeol had meant with real fear of something, for someone. I was sincerely scared.

The ten minutes ride didn't take too long, and I quickly left the bus and called Dongwoo for further details of his current location. It was already dark in Seoul's night sky, and I felt really uncomfortable to walk alone in this scary place so I fidgeted in my position next to a street lantern, nervously waiting for my cousin to pick up. He did, after a few seconds.

“Hana?”

“Where are you, now?”

“Ah, right. Um, do you remember the bar... uh.” He stopped talking, and seemed like he was listening to someone saying something to him. I heard a few hushed voices fading in the background. “Alright,” he said to them before returning his focus back to me. “So, Hana, do you remember that bar where you were spotted in with your aunt?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Meet us there.”

“Okay,” I said, and he hung up.

I crossed the streets, hurried my steps and passed by corners that looked so dark, I thought evil things were going to jump out and kidnap me. I feared my cousin's safety and maybe Sunggyu's, too, but anger was another word to describe my feelings. I was angry because no girl in this world should feel obligated to go out on the streets at this hour. Not that it was extremely late, though. I guess my anger was caused by the fear of darkness and the many movies I had watched.

In front of me were some dangerous-looking guys walking my way so I decided to make a detour and take the other path in order to arrive at the bar Sunggyu worked at. Silence was surprisingly not really silence, but just the absence of people talking, of people actually breathing and living. It was more like loneliness. Or maybe desolation. And the freaking street lanterns weren't providing much light either. Not enough to calm my freaking heart, at least.

But then my phone suddenly started vibrating in my hands, making me jump in surprise and fear (especially fear), squeezing sounds out of me I didn't know existed. With a rapid heartbeat, I glanced at the screen displaying my cousin's name, and picked up.

“Yes?”

He heaved a sigh of what seemed like relief. “We just thought it would be better to keep in touch, if something should happen to you.”

I almost laughed inwardly, a side effect of my anger, which was caused by my fear, but decided not to let laughter escape my dry lips. Instead, I said, “Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes, anyways.”

“Shall Sunggyu sing you a song in the meantime?”

There was a small pause until I heard someone telling Dongwoo to stop joking. My guess was on Sunggyu, because the hushed voice seemed familiar, so I replied with, “No, it's okay.”

“Shall I sing you a song, then?”

“Not really.”

“How about you sing a song?”

“Like hell, I'd do that,” I replied with a hint of impatience. The road narrowed down in the distance, and only then did I realize I had taken the more dangerous path, the one that was separated from the main streets. I felt the hair at my back standing on end.

“Hana?”

“Y-Yeah?” I stuttered, busily checking the surrounding with my eyes.

“You haven't told anyone, right?”

I didn't answer immediately until I was pretty sure what he was talking about. “Of course not. Do you think I won't keep promises?”

He laughed in response. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“Okay.”

“Hana?”

“What?” At this point, I was more or less trying to suppress my anger (which was caused by my fear).

“Can you see us already?”

I looked around, holding the home keys close to my chest, because you never knew when a stranger would bump into you to steal your things, and shook my head. “No, not yet.”

“Don't get worked up if you see us in a bit, alright?”

“If there's not a reason for me to get worked up for, then I won't,” I answered truthfully, walking past another dark corner. At the end of the road, I spotted the light of the street lanterns from the main street, a rush of relief surging through my body.

“It really wasn't our fault, anyways.”

“Okay, I can see you guys. I'll hang up, now.” And so I hung up.

In the distance, I recognized the silhouette of Dongwoo pacing around, a phone in his hands, while he seemed like he was whistling a tune to himself. Another outline of a person sitting against those safety railings, that separated the pavement from the open streets, was more visible the closer I got to them. I assumed the person was Sunggyu with his gaze cast on the ground.

As I approached them, and saw the smile Dongwoo was flashing at me and felt kind of betrayed or lied to because he was freaking smiling at me, I asked impatiently, “So what's going on?”

“It wasn't our fault,” he immediately protested, raising his palms defensively.

I shook my head slightly, a sigh escaping my lips, because you could never raise your voice in my cousin's presence for long. I glanced at Sunggyu in my peripheral view, who was watching me converse with my cousin, and directed my next words to Dongwoo. “I got it. But what happened?”

“Well, we almost got into a fight,” he answered innocently. And my heart stopped for a moment, a suffocating lump in my throat. But Dongwoo continued anyways, caring little about my small heart attack, “I mean, nothing bad has happened to any of us. It almost came to a physical fight, but we were able to stop it from breaking out.”

Blinking once, twice – I stared at my cousin, not feeling the slightest strength to move in my place. “Are you kidding me?”

“No, I don't kid that much around.” To which Sunggyu added a scoff. “It's the truth. We aren't hurt badly, though.”

“W-Wait, you aren't hurt badly? So you are hurt?” I almost yelled, feeling this tinge of betrayal and fear mixed with anger and disappointment and more anger growing in me. “What's wrong with you guys? Why would you get into a fight?”

“It wasn't our fault,” Dongwoo repeated calmly, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Then please enlighten me.”

He nervously looked at Sunggyu, who was looking back at him, until my eyes landed on the latter, and he gazed back at me. Our eyes met for the slightest moment before he stood up, and walked over to where Dongwoo and I were standing. Up close, under the street lanterns, I noticed how he had dyed his hair back to black.

“It wasn't exactly a fight,” he said with gentle eyes. “Nobody hurt anyone. We had some differences with a guy from the bar, but it was sorted out.” And as he was speaking to me, I noticed how his fringe wouldn't quite reach his eyebrows at a few spots here and there or how his eyes shifted between mine.

“Oh, but Sunggyu-hyung got this bruise on his forearm, and I kinda scratched my elbow open,” Dongwoo added, twisting his arm to show me his small injury.

“So it was a fight,” I exclaimed.

“No, it wasn't.”

“Then, why these bruises?” I wanted to know, but Dongwoo looked at Sunggyu for an answer, and it looked so ridiculous to me the way they exchanged these glances that I just waved that matter away and asked them why they had called me, instead.

“Because you are going to study nursing,” Dongwoo replied with a smile.

“I'm going to start my program in September, if I get accepted at all,” I corrected.

“But still, we thought it would be a good idea to have you practice on us.”

“Do you have any idea how stupid this sounds?” I asked, irritated. I wasn't mad, though. Just irritated and confused.

Dongwoo shook his head, smiling sheepishly. “We can't let Sunggyu sleep with this wound, can we?”

“But I don't know how to treat wounds or injuries. I haven't started my program yet,” I repeated, getting all frustrated.

“I think you know more than we do,” Dongwoo, in his deep blue shirt, responded, smiling. “Don't all girls know how to take care of people?”

“That's a stereotype.”

But he just looked at me with those innocent eyes of his, his bottom lip jutted out, so I sighed in capitulation, in the end giving in. I still had no idea why they had almost gotten into this fight or why they had those bruises on their arms, but I decided I wasn't too keen in knowing either. The faint light of the street lanterns were casting shadows on Sunggyu's face as I closely watched him fixing his fringe. His hair was black, but a few thin streaks gleamed with a brownish tone when they were exposed to dim light. Sunggyu was wearing a black shirt, matching his new hair color. And for various reasons, I wondered about him.

We went to Sunggyu's apartment in Myeongdong, a few blocks away from the bar, in order to take care of their wounds. I was of the opinion there wasn't any need for special treatment, only a plaster and maybe a few sweet words to distract them from the fact that those bruises would probably hurt when they were under the shower, but Dongwoo literally forced me into coming along, and I really hadn't seen any other choice than to follow him through. For once, I hated going back alone. A cousin by my side sounded so much better and safer. It was something I wouldn't necessarily admit, though.

So that was how we had ended up sitting in the living room with candles spread across the apartment as the only source of light because the whole apartment building had a blackout. I was treating Dongwoo's cut on his elbow as Sunggyu prepared drinks for us in the kitchen. The lavender scent of the candles filled the whole room with an unpleasant smell. I wasn't such a big fan of lavender. Neither was Dongwoo, and so began the story of him sneezing in an irregular rhythm while I was trying to put a plaster on his elbow.

“Sorry, Dongwoo,” said Sunggyu behind us at the kitchen counter. “I only had those scented candles.”

My dear cousin sneezed again, this time leaving a mist of his snort on my arms. I scrunched up my face, not daring to look at the fluid he had left behind, as I pulled out a tissue from behind me, and wiped my arms with it clean. Then, I gave Dongwoo the whole package for his runny nose. He answered Sunggyu with, “It's okay. At least, we have some light.”

I stared at the turned-off TV in front of me, at the black screen, and noticed how I was able to watch Sunggyu through that reflection. He was currently facing us with his back as he poured some tea into three mugs. Something in the pocket of his jeans lit up and vibrated slightly until he noticed and pulled the thing out of his jeans, leaving the tea to cool off on its own. It was his phone.

He answered the call with the softening of his voice, formal language topping the conversation. I think, he was talking to his mom. At least, it sounded like he was talking to his mom. A tinge of respect and warmness was coloring his voice, a different kind of warmness from the one I knew when he was singing. It was the kind of voice you'd use towards people you hadn't talked to for a long time. It made me wonder what kind of a relationship Sunggyu had with his parents.

He soon hung up on her, returning back to the three mugs on the kitchen counter. I saw how he wiped away beads of sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand before he proceeded in taking the drinks to the living room, a smile plastered on his lips.

“Here,” said he, placing the mugs on the coffee table. “It's still hot.”

Dongwoo almost started sneezing again, but he managed to stop himself. “Thanks.”

A silence fell between us. I took the mug and held the rim against my lips, staring at the TV screen again. Dongwoo was busy trying to stop his allergic reactions as Sunggyu remained quiet in his chair. My cousin was the first one to break the silence.

“You want to know what happened?” he asked, looking at me with a determined expression on his face. “At the bar, I mean.”

I nodded my head slowly, still holding onto my mug. Dongwoo shared one glance with Sunggyu before turning back to me, a sigh escaping his lips. I was waiting for a few seconds until he began the story.

“Sunggyu-hyung had to pick up some things at the bar so we decided to go and quickly run this small errand before returning back to the apartment to hang out. You know, we wanted to watch this movie with this baby actor Moon Mason because Sunggyu-hyung's sister left the DVD here, and we thought it would be cool to watch it since we don't have anything better to do, right, hyung?” Dongwoo looked at Sunggyu for a confirming nod as the latter smiled in return. Oh, boy.

“Right, and then we went to the bar. And it smelled so unpleasant. The smell of sweat, I mean. It was all over the place, I still can't believe hyung can actually work there. Not to mention sing and perform.”

“You get used to it,” was Sunggyu's answer as he took a sip of his tea.

Dongwoo gazed admiringly at the older male before he went on, “Then, there was this woman. A few years older than hyung, I suppose. She was tall, really y and had this brownish hair.”

I almost spat the tea in my cousin's face because of his very unique choice of words. No family member would like to know who was y according to their cousin. No one, really. Especially not in front of that guy you weren't close with (that guy who used to be your first crush's friend).

“And Sunggyu-hyung looked at her becauseㅡ”

“I didn't look at her,” interrupted the said guy, running his hand through his hair. “It was more like a glance. A swift movement of my eyes over her face.”

I kept staring at him for reasons I couldn't figure out at this or a later time until Dongwoo spoke up, “Okay, so hyung just glanced at her because she was staring right back and her boyfriend got so mad because he thought we were flirting with her although it was just a glance. A harmless glance.” He paused, took the mug in his hands, and gulped down the tea before placing it back onto the coffe table. “And so that guy walked over to us with a really scary face, and I thought he was going to land his fist on Sunggyu-hyung's face. I really thought it was the end. But he wasn't that scary after all. He just approached us with this superior attitude and those provoking eyes of his."

"What about those wounds?" I asked, confused.

"He didn't lay a finger on us. Sunggyu was so mature to talk to him in this really amazing tone. He was so professional. I was amazed, Hana."

"And those wounds?" I repeated.

Dongwoo looked lost for a moment, not knowing what I was talking about, a look of confusion imprinted on his face. He then smiled sheepishly, the ends of his eyes crinkling slightly, as if he just remembered the cut on his elbow. "Ah, well... When we were walking out of the bar, we saw those guys fighting on the streets and those broken bits of glass at the entrance. I fell and pulled Sunggyu-hyung with me."

With a purse of my lips and a furrow etching my forehead, I said, "Okay, let me sum up: there was a woman entering the bar, and you guys were looking at her because she was looking at you and she was pretty?"

Dongwoo nodded.

"And then, her boyfriend wanted to cause some trouble because he thought you were flirting with his girl but everything was settled before you guys got into a fight. Correct me if I'm wrong," I demanded, staring at my cousin then at Sunggyu and back to Dongwoo, who was looking into the empty mug on the table, as if to check whether there was still some tea left.

The latter nodded his head again. "You're right. That's what happened."

"And the reason for your small injuries is because there was a real fight going on outside the bar, and you fell on the ground for whatever stupid reasons and pulled Sunggyu with you and landed on those broken bits of glass."

"Exactly."

"And I wasn't allowed to tell anyone because you don't want my mom to tell your mom that you were at a bar?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at Dongwoo who nodded again in response. I leaned back in my seat, and let a sigh slip out of my mouth. "Dude, and I thought you guys got into a fight."

"But I already told you it wasn't a fight," protested Dongwoo, pouting his lips slightly.

"Okay, whatever." I rubbed my temples with the tip of my fingers as my lips remained shut. There were a few things I had noticed during the time I had spent with them. One, my worries and fear for their safety were all for nothing, and maybe that told us a lot about me, or maybe it said nothing at all. I was going to figure this out at a later time. Two, Dongwoo had definitely changed. Not in a bad way. Not in a good way either. I was pretty neutral toward his change, or maybe I just didn't seem to care anymore. For once, Dongwoo wouldn't describe a woman as y. At least, not in front of me. Whether it was thanks to Sunggyu's influence or not, the former which I doubted, wasn't really the question. Instead, I was asking myself something else entirely. Who was Sunggyu? Who was he besides the lead singer of a band that played music at a bar? Who was he besides my first crush's best friend back in high school, besides Howon's opportunity to stay away from his father? Who was he besides the guy at the convenience store or the guy I used to call Grandpa, hamster etc.? Come to think of it, I knew completely nothing about him. All the things I thought I knew about him seemed inaccurate for some reasons. They had reached their expiry date. There was nothing I could proudly tell people about him. Because he was still a mystery to me. And maybe he was still a mystery to Dongwoo, Howon or Woohyun, too. He strangely reminded me of someone.

When it was getting late, and I told Dongwoo to proceed in going home because my parents were already trying to reach me on my phone, I noticed how Sunggyu glanced my way as we stood at the door, waiting for Dongwoo to put on his shoes. He just looked at me, but I didn't look at him, and so we just remained like this for a couple of seconds before my cousin finally emerged from his kneeling position on the floor. Now that Dongwoo was standing between Sunggyu and me, the latter started looking away and said, "Take care, and don't trip again."

"I won't, hyung," answered Dongwoo with a smile.

Sunggyu was looking at me again, his eyes seemingly piercing into mine in a way that caused me to shiver slightly, which, if I think about it now, seemed more like a side effect of a cold summer night. He smiled suddenly. "Thanks for helping us, and happy belated birthday."

This nearly made me trip over my own feet even though I hadn't moved a single inch. The smile he was showing me was the one he'd show people whenever he was truly happy or whenever Howon made a funny joke or remark. It was a smile I had only witnessed twice or so from observing him with his friends. Funnily enough, his smile made me really happy. It just seemed so genuine and warm.

After saying goodbye, Dongwoo and I exited the apartment building. I stopped in my tracks right in the middle of the pavement, enjoying the chilly breeze of a summer night. Turning around to face the street lanterns, I asked, "Don't you think Sunggyu has changed?"

"What do you mean?"

"The way he acts around me, you, the people. Just in general."

"I only know hyung since January," said Dongwoo. "In my opinion, he's still the same guy."

I sighed slightly. "But a year ago, he was..." I racked my brain for a possible explanation of the things I wanted to say, but I couldn't find any words to describe them.

"A year ago? You think he's changed over a year?"

I nodded once, observing the particles of dust floating under the street lanterns. "Yeah. I mean, you won't believe me but he used to be the same guy who would take my bag of peanuts because of a bet, or the guy who would approach me so nonchalantly like we were actually close friends."

"This doesn't sound like Sunggyu at all.”

"I know."

I looked back at my cousin, who was furrowing his eyebrows in deep thoughts, a wrinkle etched on his forehead. His lips were slightly agape, and this led me to think about Eunji in Busan. I wondered whether Eunji or Howon or anyone else who knew him since last summer noticed how he had changed, how he had become so distant and isolated. Or maybe they hadn't noticed at all. Or maybe Sunggyu was only like that towards me. Which was a thought I'd rather falsify than have it turn out to be right.

Myungsoo was back, Sungyeol had told me over a long text message. He was home alone because his parents had decided to spend a few days in Jeju, and his brother had agreed to tag along, but not Myungsoo. The said guy had wanted to stay in Seoul for reasons no one really knew. And I had to make up with him because those were Eunji's words. But it was so freaking difficult to keep a promise.

A week was just too short for me to clear my mind. I really wanted to make up with Myungsoo. I really wanted to get rid of the tension and hatred. I cared about him. I truly did. But something was preventing me from taking actions. Something was keeping me from initiating an honest and serious talk with him. That something had also prevented me from confessing to Woohyun, I believed. That something that was just fear and anxiety in disguise.

And so I continued living my life just like before Myungsoo had returned from Japan. Waking up, eating breakfast, texting Eunji, hanging out with Dongwoo, throwing judging glances at my aunt, taking care of my grandparents, bringing lunch to my father and helping Mom with dinner, then cuddling into my bed and waiting for the next day to come. On a Tuesday afternoon, sitting in front of my laptop, I had received the acceptance email for my program in nursing. It definitely marked the peak of my Summer in 2009. My happiness and excitement couldn't possible be ruined by trivial things. Or so I thought.

I was about to share my joy with my whole family until I saw my aunt walking into my room with her hair curled in layers and her eyes smudged with eyeliner. She had a lace top covering her upper body and skinny jeans for her bottom. The view in front of me was something I'd have rather avoided at any cost.

"Where are you going?" I asked her.

She just shrugged, placing her index finger on her lips, and said, "Secret."

"So the bar, it is." I stated, disappointed. "You are going to the bar again."

"Psst, Hana, don't say this out loud. Dongwoo is just next door. And we all know he can't lie."

"Are you kidding me?" I asked in an irritated voice. "You really want me to lie for you again?" She said nothing. "Did you forget what happened last time I lied for you? How angry my parents were? How disappointed grandma and grandpa looked at you?"

"Come on, Hana," whispered my aunt, her eyes shifting between me and the ajar door. "I won't drink much. Just a few cocktails, I swear. I'm gonna take care of my health. I promise you."

She tried to get a hold of my shoulders, but I shrugged her off. "It's not only the matter of your health anymore. I'm talking about your friends."

"What about them?"

"We all know they are bad influence. Look what they're doing to you. Can't you see how they change you?" It was a déjà vu of some sort, I realized.

"I don't get you," she mumbled.

"Well, I don't get you either," I retorted, with a grim face. "You've finally found someone who likes you, someone you might want to spend your whole life with. Isn't that great? I mean, I don't know this guy, and I can't say whether he's a good person or not. But you're happy so don't ruin this by getting yourself into hospital." My eyes softened slightly when I saw my aunt lowering her head. The afternoon sun slanted sideways on her pale face. "We were always there for you. We took care of you when you had to struggle with boredom at the hospital. I don't want to fight with you. I'm just saying... Where were your friends when you were sick? Have they ever visited you at the hospital? Are you choosing your friends over your family?"

She remained silent for the longest while, the sound of my laptop filling the silence. She lifted her head slightly, moistened her lips, and nodded once. "I have to go now."

And so she left, and I wasn't sure when she was going to come back.

A few days passed by, and I still hadn't contacted Myungsoo yet. Something was still preventing me, a strange force, if you like, and I had postponed the figuring out part for later. My mind was too occupied with my aunt. Family problems, as for me, were obviously more important than issues regarding my friends. I knew Myungsoo could wait. And I also knew he wouldn't be the first one to talk to me. But waiting was something he was surprisingly good at.

I looked at my phone, checking messages from Eunji, body facing the open streets and back leaning against the cold walls. She pestered me to finally make up with Myungsoo, and I told her I would. Just not right now. I also told her about my aunt, and how she was making my life more difficult, and how she squeezed all the happiness out of me. Eunji said I should feel excited for being accepted by the program. She said I shouldn't let others make me feel otherwise. And so I just directed the conversation away from my aunt, and asked her about the life in Busan. But before I could read her reply, which she had sent to me quite quickly, which also meant it was a short answer, I was already distracted by someone opening the door next to me.

"Hana?"

"Oh, Sunggyu."

Because of the surprise coating my voice, people would probably think I hadn't expected his appearance. But I did. I was the one who had decided to go to the bar in Myeongdong to, I quote myself, fix a few things. And by fixing a few things, I didn't mean the relationship between him and me. I was talking about my aunt. She was the solely reason why I had even convinced myself to come.

"You were looking for me?"

"Yeah," I answered, looking at the girl passing us by. "I need to ask you a favor."

Sunggyu followed my gaze, and watched the girl walking away from us before he turned his attention back to me. "Sure, what is it?"

I took a small breath, finally meeting his eyes. This action caused us both to blink twice before I decided to look away. "Can you message me whenever you see my aunt at the bar?"

He said nothing for a while, and I looked back up, wondering what was wrong, until I saw the confusion written across his face. But he didn't ask anything further, and nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"I guess we'll need to exchange numbers, then." I said, lifting up the hand I was using to hold my phone when a sudden and really strange thought occurred to me. With slight panic, I quickly added, "Oh, but please don't think this was a trick to get your number. I swear, the thing about my aunt is the truth."

Sunggyu only smiled in return, not wavering the slightest. “I know.”

He knew.